Attention placed on BS reaction on Dday

[ladydesigner]

Why is so much importance placed on this? I read it and hear it from WS's and from OW/OM. Dday was the most traumatic experience of my ever lovin' life. My WH is lucky to be alive (or lucky I didn't REALLY lose it). Why does the BS reaction on Dday get so much attention when what should really be focused on is the A and failing of the M? People don't place this same level of attention on someone who is grieving and I have seen levels of hysteria and rage involved in that too especially upon learning the death of a loved one. I don't know, it makes me sad to read all of the posts where BS's behavior on Dday is picked apart. I am very lucky to be alive because my subsequent Ddays sent me to the psych ward and I did occasionally rage at my WH many times after Dday much like these WS's and OW/OM claim. What happened to me and my M was not normal. I feel like my reaction to it matched it's level of abnormalty.

Edited May 13, 2014 by ladydesigner

[notserene]

It is a trauma. I felt much the same way that I did when my mother died suddenly, though not quite as intensely.

 

I admit that I was calm at first. Probably because I was in shock. I remember being strangely calm for the first day after I learned of my mother's death. It didn't seem quite real. I asked my husband what he wanted to do - I told him he should go be with OW if that was what he really wanted.

 

He told me that he still loved me, wanted to stay married, that he was remorseful and ashamed and couldn't believe he almost threw away his family.

 

I lost it on the third day. My H was being bombarded by OW.

 

I never had to contact OW because my H did all of the work. He was getting phone call after phone call and text after text...all of them full of anger and hatred directed mostly at him, but some of it at me as well. I did not speak to her. This kept me from melting down because we both were in "united front" mode.

 

I screamed and threw (nonbreakable) things for a couple of days. My dog started following me around the house (usually he follows our children) and whining because I was so upset.

 

I can't imagine how I might have reacted if my H hadn't been so immediately remorseful and so willing to try to make things right with me.

 

Those who sneer at betrayed spouses for being "upset"...how do you expect someone to react when they realize that they have been betrayed in such a fundamental way? I felt as if the world had turned upside down.

 

I realized where the idea of the "crime of passion" defense came from (not that I am attempting to justify violence in any way). Your emotions are just so raw. I am ordinarily a calm and levelheaded person but I still don't feel like I have my serenity back (hence my screen name).

[snappytomcat]

It is a trauma. I felt much the same way that I did when my mother died suddenly, though not quite as intensely.

 

I admit that I was calm at first. Probably because I was in shock. I remember being strangely calm for the first day after I learned of my mother's death. It didn't seem quite real. I asked my husband what he wanted to do - I told him he should go be with OW if that was what he really wanted.

 

He told me that he still loved me, wanted to stay married, that he was remorseful and ashamed and couldn't believe he almost threw away his family.

 

I lost it on the third day. My H was being bombarded by OW.

 

I never had to contact OW because my H did all of the work. He was getting phone call after phone call and text after text...all of them full of anger and hatred directed mostly at him, but some of it at me as well. I did not speak to her. This kept me from melting down because we both were in "united front" mode.

 

I screamed and threw (nonbreakable) things for a couple of days. My dog started following me around the house (usually he follows our children) and whining because I was so upset.

 

I can't imagine how I might have reacted if my H hadn't been so immediately remorseful and so willing to try to make things right with me.

 

Those who sneer at betrayed spouses for being "upset"...how do you expect someone to react when they realize that they have been betrayed in such a fundamental way? I felt as if the world had turned upside down.

 

I realized where the idea of the "crime of passion" defense came from (not that I am attempting to justify violence in any way). Your emotions are just so raw. I am ordinarily a calm and levelheaded person but I still don't feel like I have my serenity back (hence my screen name).

yes to all of what you have said here

I also lost my mom unexpectedly,as she was healthy and only 59,and I happen to find her body.and this was horrible experience,but being betrayed by my husband my best friend,hurt way more.

also there are some that say,we behave badly on dday and just cause we have a marriage license,doesnt mean we own our so.

I know I don't own him,nor do I want to,but we did commit to each other,which is way different than owning.

we have a right to be angry,we had a long history,have children,been through many ups,and downs,been there for each other through deaths of loved ones,we have a mortgage together.

and anyone one would be angry if they were lied to,by someone who said they love you.

my husband also has done everything like yours noserene,he knows he behaved despicable,and hes still very disgusted with himself

[xxoo]

It's more comfortable to judge the reaction as unreasonable than to acknowledge what pain you've created in another's life.

[HermioneG]

It's more comfortable to judge the reaction as unreasonable than to acknowledge what pain you've created in another's life.

 

Yes. This. Exactly.

[waterwoman]

It's more comfortable to judge the reaction as unreasonable than to acknowledge what pain you've created in another's life.

 

Yeah, my kids say that sort of thing. 'She hit me!' Wail! Wail! Weep! Sob 'How dare she hit me?'

 

Why did she hit you?

 

<mumble> 'Cos I kicked her......but that doesn't matter! She HIT me! It's so unfaaaair!'

[ladydesigner]

It's more comfortable to judge the reaction as unreasonable than to acknowledge what pain you've created in another's life.

 

I think this is true! It took many months for my WH to actually see the pain and destruction his A caused me. His blameshifting was unreal and his blaming of my reaction to his A made me worse.

[jnel921]

If my WH would have been upset over my reactions to DDay, I seriously doubt we would have R.

 

Every action deserves a response. Our response no matter how good or bad should be respected.

 

I never expected the man who I trusted with my life, my kids and my heart to betray me. The A changed how I looked at him. I now saw someone who didn't care and who was yes....capable of hurting me and other people he claimed to hold dear. Wtf was he thinking? It wasn't about me or our love, the vows we took, I just don't know.

 

So if our WS have this temporary brain fart, fog or whatever you want to call it that they feel justifies their A, I really don't expect to hear any sh** behind my reactions. The normal person in that situation was ME.

[jnel921]

I think this is true! It took many months for my WH to actually see the pain and destruction his A caused me. His blameshifting was unreal and his blaming of my reaction to his A made me worse.

 

Blame shifting is a deal breaker. You shouldn't have to explain your pain. Seriously, had I heard "what are you talking about, you and that mouth of yours is what made me do it" the next move would be a kick in the butt and out the door. My reply...."Now this is what you made me do!!!"

[tornapart2002]

We are grieving the death of something sacred and special to us. My WH still has the nerve to bring up the things I broke in the backyard when I foudn out..saying our son saw it all. Well, he later saw him destroy our bedroom so what was his excuse?

 

Why is so much importance placed on this? I read it and hear it from WS's and from OW/OM. Dday was the most traumatic experience of my ever lovin' life. My WH is lucky to be alive (or lucky I didn't REALLY lose it). Why does the BS reaction on Dday get so much attention when what should really be focused on is the A and failing of the M? People don't place this same level of attention on someone who is grieving and I have seen levels of hysteria and rage involved in that too especially upon learning the death of a loved one. I don't know, it makes me sad to read all of the posts where BS's behavior on Dday is picked apart. I am very lucky to be alive because my subsequent Ddays sent me to the psych ward and I did occasionally rage at my WH many times after Dday much like these WS's and OW/OM claim. What happened to me and my M was not normal. I feel like my reaction to it matched it's level of abnormalty.

[tornapart2002]

My mom said, after it all, that it would have been easier on me if he had died. I absolutely agree with her.

 

yes to all of what you have said here

I also lost my mom unexpectedly,as she was healthy and only 59,and I happen to find her body.and this was horrible experience,but being betrayed by my husband my best friend,hurt way more.

also there are some that say,we behave badly on dday and just cause we have a marriage license,doesnt mean we own our so.

I know I don't own him,nor do I want to,but we did commit to each other,which is way different than owning.

we have a right to be angry,we had a long history,have children,been through many ups,and downs,been there for each other through deaths of loved ones,we have a mortgage together.

and anyone one would be angry if they were lied to,by someone who said they love you.

my husband also has done everything like yours noserene,he knows he behaved despicable,and hes still very disgusted with himself

[tornapart2002]

This makes me feel so much better!

 

It is a trauma. I felt much the same way that I did when my mother died suddenly, though not quite as intensely.

 

I admit that I was calm at first. Probably because I was in shock. I remember being strangely calm for the first day after I learned of my mother's death. It didn't seem quite real. I asked my husband what he wanted to do - I told him he should go be with OW if that was what he really wanted.

 

He told me that he still loved me, wanted to stay married, that he was remorseful and ashamed and couldn't believe he almost threw away his family.

 

I lost it on the third day. My H was being bombarded by OW.

 

I never had to contact OW because my H did all of the work. He was getting phone call after phone call and text after text...all of them full of anger and hatred directed mostly at him, but some of it at me as well. I did not speak to her. This kept me from melting down because we both were in "united front" mode.

 

I screamed and threw (nonbreakable) things for a couple of days. My dog started following me around the house (usually he follows our children) and whining because I was so upset.

 

I can't imagine how I might have reacted if my H hadn't been so immediately remorseful and so willing to try to make things right with me.

 

Those who sneer at betrayed spouses for being "upset"...how do you expect someone to react when they realize that they have been betrayed in such a fundamental way? I felt as if the world had turned upside down.

 

I realized where the idea of the "crime of passion" defense came from (not that I am attempting to justify violence in any way). Your emotions are just so raw. I am ordinarily a calm and levelheaded person but I still don't feel like I have my serenity back (hence my screen name).

[janedoe67]

A WS is completely responsible for their choice to cheat and the pain it caused. The WS should expect and have empathy and compassion for the range of devastated emotions the BS feels.

 

However...

 

IF we truly DO believe in personal responsibility, then logically we must also agree that thie BS IS responsible for any violent or abusive action they may choose to take. IE we cannot excuse the beating or murder of someone by a BS.

 

Unless we endorse hypocrisy.

[ladydesigner]

A WS is completely responsible for their choice to cheat and the pain it caused. The WS should expect and have empathy and compassion for the range of devastated emotions the BS feels.

 

However...

 

IF we truly DO believe in personal responsibility, then logically we must also agree that thie BS IS responsible for any violent or abusive action they may choose to take. IE we cannot excuse the beating or murder of someone by a BS.

 

Unless we endorse hypocrisy.

 

Oh I totally agree , there is no place for abuse or violence, but there were moments I would say that my rage was verbally abusive and I'm not proud I reacted that strongly.

 

I just don't agree when a WS or OW/OM comes in and says that the BS yelled at him or yelled at her and what is wrong with that BS. What the heck do you think might happen after infidelity is discovered. I mean it is why the A is so deeply hidden because both parties I feel know how deeply their behavior will have an affect on the BS. I often feel risky behavior may get risky outcomes and the BS reacting in anger is one of them.

[spookysonata]

Oh I totally agree , there is no place for abuse or violence, but there were moments I would say that my rage was verbally abusive and I'm not proud I reacted that strongly.

 

I just don't agree when a WS or OW/OM comes in and says that the BS yelled at him or yelled at her and what is wrong with that BS. What the heck do you think might happen after infidelity is discovered. I mean it is why the A is so deeply hidden because both parties I feel know how deeply their behavior will have an affect on the BS. I often feel risky behavior may get risky outcomes and the BS reacting in anger is one of them.

 

Exactly.

When you do something hurtful, even if you think you're justified, why is it so shocking that people ACT hurt? Or angry? Why is it worse to react with anger to being cheated on, than to do the actual cheating? Are bs supposed to just go..."oh well. That's ok."?

 

Does not make a lick of sense, unless you are trying to excuse poor behavior.

[Furious]

Why is so much importance placed on this? I read it and hear it from WS's and from OW/OM. Dday was the most traumatic experience of my ever lovin' life. My WH is lucky to be alive (or lucky I didn't REALLY lose it). Why does the BS reaction on Dday get so much attention when what should really be focused on is the A and failing of the M? People don't place this same level of attention on someone who is grieving and I have seen levels of hysteria and rage involved in that too especially upon learning the death of a loved one. I don't know, it makes me sad to read all of the posts where BS's behavior on Dday is picked apart. I am very lucky to be alive because my subsequent Ddays sent me to the psych ward and I did occasionally rage at my WH many times after Dday much like these WS's and OW/OM claim. What happened to me and my M was not normal. I feel like my reaction to it matched it's level of abnormalty.

 

 

I'm sure that in hindsight most betrayed spouses would like a re-do of d-day and how they reacted. I imagine some would wish they'd taken a tougher stance and slammed the door on their cheater's ass with choice words and some may have wished that they had not smashed and dishes and made a scene.

 

The thing is, there isn't betrayed spouse Manuel and even if there, who expects that the person they love and trust would do this to them. All WS's go to extreme lengths to keep their spouse in the dark. It's the gas lighting, the incredible shock on d-day when your mind is reeling backward in time as it hits you, that for some may be months or even years of lies.

 

This shock literally throws you off the very foundation of your reality.

 

Sadly, not only does a betrayed spouse get slammed by the enormous deception but also gets judged by their reaction to it.

 

I guess the d-day Manuel, if it were to exist, would recommend a handkerchief clutched to their chest, silent tears and to just roll up in a corner and accept full blame. :laugh:

 

I think, as long as someone was not injured or killed the betrayed spouse handled themselves quite well.

[janedoe67]

I gotta say, I have never read a single post on LS where the WS thought the BS should just say "oh, ok" or were surprised that their BS was devastated. I'm sure there are WS's out there who really DON'T think it is understandable that a BS would be upset, and loudly and emotionally upset. I just personally have never encountered one who truly thought it was out of line for a devastated BS to yell.

 

Of course my BH was going to yell and be angry and hurt and react and express all sorts of crushed emotion. I had betrayed him. However, I can tell you right now that if he had beaten me, strangled me against the wall until I couldn't breathe, or set fire to my car and/or belongings, I would not have hesitated to call 911.

 

Maybe I just haven't read enough forums to see this vast phenomenon.

[HermioneG]

A WS is completely responsible for their choice to cheat and the pain it caused. The WS should expect and have empathy and compassion for the range of devastated emotions the BS feels.

 

However...

 

IF we truly DO believe in personal responsibility, then logically we must also agree that thie BS IS responsible for any violent or abusive action they may choose to take. IE we cannot excuse the beating or murder of someone by a BS.

 

Unless we endorse hypocrisy.

 

I absolutely agree. You are totally correct.

 

However, a lot of what I read on the forums is objections from affair partners to what I would consider a pretty normal reaction to a trauma.

 

A BS is not likely to hug his/her spouse and invite the AP in for tea.

 

I do not think anyone should ever get physically violent or verbally abusive as a result. But calling a wayward a fool and handing them their suitcase ( okay. I hefty bagged it and took it to his mama's house) and telling them to have a nice life is not an over the top reaction. And I see that type of reaction far more than the other. Thank goodness. I also see a lot of reactions of sheer devastation and an inability to function for awhile. Which again, I don't see as an extreme reaction to a trauma. I see it as depressingly normal for the issue at hand.

[tornapart2002]

I am not talking about beating and murdering at all, but if I wanted to throw some damn plates and our wedding photos (not all of them, however) then I had every right to and if I wanted to run over some of his technical devices then I had every right to. I didn't/don't have a right to take a life though. Are we sure beatings aren't allowed though? ;-)

 

A WS is completely responsible for their choice to cheat and the pain it caused. The WS should expect and have empathy and compassion for the range of devastated emotions the BS feels.

 

However...

 

IF we truly DO believe in personal responsibility, then logically we must also agree that thie BS IS responsible for any violent or abusive action they may choose to take. IE we cannot excuse the beating or murder of someone by a BS.

 

Unless we endorse hypocrisy.

[notserene]

I gotta say, I have never read a single post on LS where the WS thought the BS should just say "oh, ok" or were surprised that their BS was devastated. I'm sure there are WS's out there who really DON'T think it is understandable that a BS would be upset, and loudly and emotionally upset. I just personally have never encountered one who truly thought it was out of line for a devastated BS to yell.

 

Of course my BH was going to yell and be angry and hurt and react and express all sorts of crushed emotion. I had betrayed him. However, I can tell you right now that if he had beaten me, strangled me against the wall until I couldn't breathe, or set fire to my car and/or belongings, I would not have hesitated to call 911.

 

Maybe I just haven't read enough forums to see this vast phenomenon.

 

I haven't seen the reaction from waywards so much. There are *some* APs who seem to find displays of emotion by betrayed spouses to be stressful and annoying.

 

I would guess that many APs reactions at the end of an affair aren't that different from those of a BS on D day.

[whichwayisup]

Why is so much importance placed on this? I read it and hear it from WS's and from OW/OM. Dday was the most traumatic experience of my ever lovin' life. My WH is lucky to be alive (or lucky I didn't REALLY lose it). Why does the BS reaction on Dday get so much attention when what should really be focused on is the A and failing of the M? People don't place this same level of attention on someone who is grieving and I have seen levels of hysteria and rage involved in that too especially upon learning the death of a loved one. I don't know, it makes me sad to read all of the posts where BS's behavior on Dday is picked apart. I am very lucky to be alive because my subsequent Ddays sent me to the psych ward and I did occasionally rage at my WH many times after Dday much like these WS's and OW/OM claim. What happened to me and my M was not normal. I feel like my reaction to it matched it's level of abnormalty.

 

It bothers me that BS's are held to a higher standard when a DDay happens. Their worlds are turned upside down, not by choice. And some people blame the BS for their spouse choosing to cheat.

 

Affairs are healthy nor normal.

[snappytomcat]

I am not talking about beating and murdering at all, but if I wanted to throw some damn plates and our wedding photos (not all of them, however) then I had every right to and if I wanted to run over some of his technical devices then I had every right to. I didn't/don't have a right to take a life though. Are we sure beatings aren't allowed though? ;-)

I did run over his precious I phone and guess what?it felt good

[Raena]

Yeah, I'm really getting sick of listening to WS's or OW/OM ranting and raving about what a lunatic or horrid person the BS is because of how they react to dday (or how they behaved during the marriage) too. They caused that pain and anger and hurt. They both played a role in it. They both need to acknowledge it and accept responsibility for the pain they caused and stop pointing fingers.

[SolG]

I would guess that many APs reactions at the end of an affair aren't that different from those of a BS on D day.

 

Oh yes. I do believe the phrase, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' is more often applied to mistresses than wives!

[Fluttershy]

I believe everyone is responsible for their own actions and after DDay one should look at their own behaviour and see how good or bad their coping skills were. Not to be hard on themselves but to see what they could do to improve in that area and apologize if they feel they crossed a line. I do not think BS get a free pass but I do think it doesn't take much empathy to ubderstand how horrible it is for us when we discover the betrayal. I think some people just burry their heads in te sand or because they don't want tofeel bad about themselves pick the Bs apart over the top. Why spend so much time judging someone else's behaviour and instead look at your own?

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with a BS being on higher ground and I think every BS should be encouraged to remain pn higher ground and make descisions they can be proud of. But we are human and we screw up. And so much more when something so deeply painful happens to us. That is why I encourage freshly betrayed people not to make any sudden descision and find real life support in an IC or friend. (one you know won't elp you burry the body but will be a voice of reason when all reason and sanity have fled).

 

I think it is tacky and tasteless when AP judge the WS actions (not just relay them but place themselves above the person who was just destroyed).