The Build Up, The Train Wreck, The Aftermath

[IrishEyez]

The Build Up

 

My girlfriend and I had been together for 4 years [living together for 2] and pretty much for the entire time defined each other. I felt we had an understanding for each other that nobody else could ever give to either one of us………..I thought. We lived and breathed for each other, knew everything about one another, were best of friends and there was nothing [least I felt] that we would not do for one another. We went through so much together, good and bad, we were always there for each other. However…..whenever an issue arose between us [yes we had our arguments], I would try to address it or resolve it. Not so with her. When I would try to discuss it or tried to broaching the subject she would always brush it aside, sweep it under the carpet “I’m too tired” or “I don’t want to talk about it now” or some other reason why she would not wish to discuss it. She could never really get into any dialogue that would make her stress, commit to anything, or make an important decision that she did not wish to make. Yes she was the queen of procrastination. I always backed down eventually and let whatever it was slide, as I loved her so very deeply, would do anything for her, including ignoring what was slowly beginning to fester under the surface. In hindsight, there was flags going up all over the place of the train wreck that was coming – again, love makes us blind and I choose to ignore them, ignore what was painfully obvious, that feeling inside that something is not right, that something was amiss, and that the two of us were heading for disaster

 

The Train Wreck

 

Over a period of two days we had a blistering fight about the things that had gone unsaid and undone over a very long period of time. Emotions were high, harsh words were spoken, once the flood gates were opened, it was impossible to close them again. It was a truly brutal falling out, a lot of pain and a lot of tears and finally, knowing that it was spiraling and wishing to now de-escalate, I said something I have spent the last 30 days regretting. “I want you to leave, get out, and just go!! I have had it!!!” She nodded and there was a lull as she gathered up some things and headed out the door. I went to bed – semi relieved and totally unaware of what was coming

 

The Aftermath

 

I awoke the next morning and for a fleeting moment was unaware of anything amiss – but just for a fleeting moment. The recollection of what had transpired the night before caught up with me quick and this sinking, terrifying feeling crept over me and the thought “Oh God! What have I done!!”. I jumped out and ran to the living room looking around, looking for my phone, but finding hers first – she had left it behind. I couldn’t call her. Jumped onto Facebook and checking for something….anything……….there was nothing. Wherever she had gone, the first thing she had done was block me on Social Media. She was gone, I had no way of contacting her, no idea where she was and this paralyzing thought– it’s over. Her phone started ringing and beeping from calls and messages – I just stared at it. I lay on the couch for the whole day, thinking, waiting, and wishing - Nothing, I had pushed her too far.

The next day I grabbed her phone and went to where she worked – she was there. I looked at her searching for something, anything – she looked…….sad. I gave her the phone and told her “You need this, take it, and please come home – I’m so sorry, please come home, we can fix this” She started to get upset and told me “I have to work” – so I left. I went back home and looked around thinking “All her things are here, she has to come back” She didn’t and to this day, 30 days later has not come home [Least to stay]

What follows is a sort of description of what has happened in the meantime.

Over the last 30 days I have gone through the 7 circles of hell, crippling debilitating depression, anger, confusion, an emotional rollercoaster of which I want to get off, but the cart won’t stop and I can’t. We have texted back and forth and it just never, ever goes well, nor does it make any sense. I have texted her, called her, begged and pleaded with her to come back. Telling her how much I need her, love her, miss her, how I would do absolutely everything and anything to fix this – but to no avail. She will text back saying how I am her best friend, how she misses and still loves me, how much her heart hurts and is in pain, then in contrast telling me how much I had hurt her [which granted I know I did], how I “need to get on with my life, maybe meet somebody else” or “Live and be happy” she says. “You have so much to live for, you have so much going for you”, and I sit there thinking “How can she be so cruel, what do I have now without her?” I have asked her to arrange to have the rest of her stuff/things moved and taken away as it’s just too painful to have around. She will usually respond with something to the effect of that “You just keep pushing” to which I will respond “Well if it’s over just let it be over!!” or something to that affect. Going back to what I believe to have been the root of the problem - she is unwilling even now to commit to anything that makes her even slightly uncomfortable, she procrastinates, she just WILL not give a straight answer to anything and then accuses me of pressuring her – Including the all-important question. “Are we done? Is this it? Are we finished? Is it really over?” Again – no straight answer. I have found myself adamantly stating we are done only to contradict myself the next day and feeling just totally weak and foolish and desperate all over again.

I go through the motions every day, Googling the dumbest things – “How to get you ex back” or “Is she ever coming back to me?” or for $49.95 I can get a course on “How to get your ex back in 7 easy steps - Guaranteed!!! . I almost paid it…..almost. “10 Signs Your Ex Still Loves You” that’s another good one OR just reading the blogs and the pages and pages of things written by people in similar situations. I check every day to see if she has unblocked me on Facebook, and when discovering she hasn’t that gut wrenching thought of “Maybe she really doesn’t care anymore” I read Horoscopes looking for a sign, talk to God, talking to anybody who will listen just wishing and hoping at the very least, the pain and lethargy will pass

When I, for the few brief moments, stand back and look at it objectively, I see how desperate and apparently needy I have become, the things I will do and the lengths I will go to win her back over, and say to myself “This is insane!!! I have to stop this – Never again, I’m doing No Contact!!!” – till the next relapse. It’s a vicious cycle, like an addiction, I keep going back to it, thinking “Yes I know what I will say this time, this HAS to make her come around, THIS will win her back” It never does – In fact my last objective look at it last night had me thinking “I’m just pushing her further and further away” moving from that to “Just give her time and space, she will be back”. It’s a manic and vicious cycle.

 

As Of Now

 

I have decided that the ONLY way to get through this is to let time take its course. There is no other way. Texting, calling, seeing her is just making it worse and almost definitely prolonging the final outcome be it good or bad. I dread going home – her stuff is all still there. I get mail for her pretty much every day. I think at times I should just stand up and demand of her to remove all her things or I will do it for her, then that thought of well if I do that am pretty sure she is gone for good – so just let it stay and endure the pain. If she ever comes back it will have been worth it

 

So here I go again – No Contact Day 1

 

Obviously if there is a good outcome to this on the horizon - She and I are going to have a very long and deep conversation about how we should interact in the future, when we need to talk seriously, and what can not be put off to a later date.

Edited May 13, 2014 by IrishEyez

[FortunateSon]

It sounds like your relationship has some communication/compatibility issues. She sounds like she is quite passive aggressive and avoids any confrontation even if confronting the issues may be beneficial. I hate to bring it up, but is there the possibility of someone else?

[elseaacych]

Sounds very much like the end of my relationship. A slow collapse of communication until everything just crumbles into a massive bottomless sinkhole. Someone else may have entered the picture. You never know. Oh, and believe me, you don't want to know.

 

Because two you had such a long falling out period, don't expect her to come around for a long time, if she ever comes around. But don't count on it.

 

Your relationship may have just run it's course There's someone better out there for you. Someone you won't fight with. Someone who complements you, who loves you. You just have to commit yourself to feeling better for your own sake and you will find them.

 

Today is day one of a new chapter of your life. You get to write it.

[IrishEyez]

I guess its quite possible that she could be on the rebound but I doubt it. From what I have seen and heard, she is as much in a mess about this as I am - just stubborn perhaps and just WILL not adress it

[Chi townD]

Okay....well, time to grow a spine my friend. You've been sitting in limbo forever and a day. Time to start walk down your own path without her.

 

 

You need to start living your life as if she's not coming back, because chances are....she's not. I hate to be blunt, but she's the one that keeps telling you to move on and find someone else (that statement right there already tells me that she's been out on a few dates. Very telling).

 

 

So, go to the store and pick up some boxes. start packing her sh*t up. Get rid of it. It's a constant reminder of what you've lost. Just box it up and run to the post office and get a change of address card and place it in one of the boxes. Get in contact with a mutual friend and drop it off and his/her place and ask if they can see that she gets this stuff. And for the love of Pete DO NOT INCLUDE A LETTER IN THOSE BOXES!!!

 

 

Start going NC on her. No contact whatsoever. If she texts you, ignore it and post here instead. Start making positive changes in your life. Time to heal and move on from this.

[Strength in Healing]

Chi nailed it.

 

You guys' chemistry is just no good. She procrastinates and pushes things down, and you swallow it and push things down too. You two will never work.

 

Maybe she realized this before you.

 

It's done brother, I know the pain. You have to walk through it. You don't have a choice.

[Elle1975]

For some reason, I found your post to be heartbreaking. It's a break up forum, but not all posters react the same, not all posts are identical.

 

Her stuff being still in your house, I suspect you cling on to it like you'd hold on to a life jacket. I agree with Heal and Chi.. pack her stuff up and walk away, as she is gone.

[IrishEyez]

Her stuff being still in your house, I suspect you cling on to it like you'd hold on to a life jacket. I agree with Heal and Chi.. pack her stuff up and walk away, as she is gone.

Truth be told I suspect that she really as of now has nowhere to go and is "winging it" with friends - and truth be told I still very much care for her well being and if I can facilitate an easier "transition" for her that that's what I will do. For every box that I would pack would feel like banging another nail in the coffin of our relationship [even though I know that's probably exactly what I should be doing]. I just can't at least for now bring myself to do it

 

One thing that I have found in this whole process is there are a LOT of contradictions in what we want and what we do and say. i.e. the obvious question here "You want her stuff gone but you don't want to get rid of it?". The answer....."Yes..........No.........Yes......No..........Yes.........No" in infinite circles. A true state of confusion. I just don't know!

 

No Contact - Day 2

[elseaacych]

The not knowing is normal. But don't let it trick you. She's already made her choice, and you have to go along with it whether you like it or not. Sure, fine, don't pack up her things, but having her things around isn't doing you any good. It's making you upset, I can tell. It may feel terrible to get rid of it, but the sooner it's out, the sooner you can get on with your life. And, if you don't, she will come back to get her stuff, she won't be happy. You won't be happy. It won't be a pleasant experience for anyone.

 

Get it out, get back to you.

[Elle1975]

Truth be told I suspect that she really as of now has nowhere to go and is "winging it" with friends - and truth be told I still very much care for her well being and if I can facilitate an easier "transition" for her that that's what I will do. For every box that I would pack would feel like banging another nail in the coffin of our relationship [even though I know that's probably exactly what I should be doing]. I just can't at least for now bring myself to do it

 

One thing that I have found in this whole process is there are a LOT of contradictions in what we want and what we do and say. i.e. the obvious question here "You want her stuff gone but you don't want to get rid of it?". The answer....."Yes..........No.........Yes......No..........Yes.........No" in infinite circles. A true state of confusion. I just don't know!

 

No Contact - Day 2

 

Packing her stuff up doesn't mean dumping the boxes in a dumpster.

 

NC surrounded by her things looks like sulking more than NC. However, we all process break ups in different ways. If easing into it is your thing, then it's fine. I could not do it that way. I lost a lot of stuff in my break up. Oh well.

[Chi townD]

All those things that belong to her is a daily and constant reminder that she's not there and she doesn't want to come back. Everyday, it gets you more and more depressed.

 

 

Best thing for you to do is get rid of it.

[IrishEyez]

One aspect of having all her stuff there which kind of irks me - What is her frame of mind to think I would not just take it all out to a dumpster and be done with it - or just leave it in boxes on the street and tell her. I mean I wouldn't do it - that said we all do odd/crazy things when we are stressed/depressed. Think if the tables were turned I may be a little concerned for my belongings. Maybe she just knows me all to well or she is just being very very naive

[jt27]

If you aren't ready to throw away her stuff, at least box it up and put it somewhere out of site until you are ready to trash it.

[Elle1975]

One aspect of having all her stuff there which kind of irks me - What is her frame of mind to think I would not just take it all out to a dumpster and be done with it - or just leave it in boxes on the street and tell her. I mean I wouldn't do it - that said we all do odd/crazy things when we are stressed/depressed. Think if the tables were turned I may be a little concerned for my belongings. Maybe she just knows me all to well or she is just being very very naive

 

Does she work? If the answer is yes, box her stuff up, set up a specific date and time for her to come pick up her stuff. Ask a friend to wait for her at your house, don't be there. Done.

[IrishEyez]

So I went through this horrendous breakup with my ex of 4 years 2 months ago. The first month was incredibly hard and depressing. I tried and tried to get her back but to no avail. So into month two I decided the best course of action was to go NC and get out there and meet some new people - which for the most part I certainly did. I obviously still think about her every day, but is nowhere as bad as was in the beginning. It got a little bit easier but then things started getting......odd.[least I think its odd]

 

A few weeks back I get a text from her saying "I saw your car at a bar in town"...........which I really thought nothing much of...........and replied "Yup was me"..........and that was that.

 

This past Monday I am sitting outside the same bar at a beer table when she drives into the car park, I guess I was a bit surprised seeing her, she drove real close to where I was sitting..........and kept going, said nothing, and drove back out again - was expecting another text but nothing came.

 

Following our breakup she immediately unfriended/blocked me from Facebook. I noticed Wednesday that she had unblocked me again, said nothing, just unblocked me. She then changed her profile pic to a picture I made for her in Photoshop a few years back - almost like an under the radar message that I would only get, because only I would know [assuming she thinks I am still looking at her profile]

 

Is this normal behavior? Or am I just reading way too much into it??

 

Am still maintaining NC and I understand she is already in a relationship with somebody else - so really what gives?

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

So I went through this horrendous breakup with my ex of 4 years 2 months ago. The first month was incredibly hard and depressing. I tried and tried to get her back but to no avail. So into month two I decided the best course of action was to go NC and get out there and meet some new people - which for the most part I certainly did. I obviously still think about her every day, but is nowhere as bad as was in the beginning. It got a little bit easier but then things started getting......odd.[least I think its odd]

 

A few weeks back I get a text from her saying "I saw your car at a bar in town"...........which I really thought nothing much of...........and replied "Yup was me"..........and that was that.

 

This past Monday I am sitting outside the same bar at a beer table when she drives into the car park, I guess I was a bit surprised seeing her, she drove real close to where I was sitting..........and kept going, said nothing, and drove back out again - was expecting another text but nothing came.

 

Following our breakup she immediately unfriended/blocked me from Facebook. I noticed Wednesday that she had unblocked me again, said nothing, just unblocked me. She then changed her profile pic to a picture I made for her in Photoshop a few years back - almost like an under the radar message that I would only get, because only I would know [assuming she thinks I am still looking at her profile]

 

Is this normal behavior? Or am I just reading way too much into it??

 

Am still maintaining NC and I understand she is already in a relationship with somebody else - so really what gives?

 

Well first, you responded to her text and.looking at her Facebook. That's not NC.

 

Second, means she is probably really nosey wondering what you're doing. Not too much stock to be put.into it. If she really wants you, she'll make it known.

[Elle1975]

So I went through this horrendous breakup with my ex of 4 years 2 months ago. The first month was incredibly hard and depressing. I tried and tried to get her back but to no avail. So into month two I decided the best course of action was to go NC and get out there and meet some new people - which for the most part I certainly did. I obviously still think about her every day, but is nowhere as bad as was in the beginning. It got a little bit easier but then things started getting......odd.[least I think its odd]

 

A few weeks back I get a text from her saying "I saw your car at a bar in town"...........which I really thought nothing much of...........and replied "Yup was me"..........and that was that.

 

This past Monday I am sitting outside the same bar at a beer table when she drives into the car park, I guess I was a bit surprised seeing her, she drove real close to where I was sitting..........and kept going, said nothing, and drove back out again - was expecting another text but nothing came.

 

Following our breakup she immediately unfriended/blocked me from Facebook. I noticed Wednesday that she had unblocked me again, said nothing, just unblocked me. She then changed her profile pic to a picture I made for her in Photoshop a few years back - almost like an under the radar message that I would only get, because only I would know [assuming she thinks I am still looking at her profile]

 

Is this normal behavior? Or am I just reading way too much into it??

 

Am still maintaining NC and I understand she is already in a relationship with somebody else - so really what gives?

 

Rule #1 that will save you TONS of heartache, before, in, and after a relationship.. do not assume anything.

 

Do not assume that she cares because she put an old pic back on her fb, or drove by your bar.

 

I don't know why she is doing those things. Let me give you a different assumption: she met that guy shortly after the break up. It didn't work out, and now she feels lonely. She needs a familiar anchor, and driving that day, she saw your truck. She messaged you. She doesn't want to get back with you, but you feel familiar and safe to her. Maybe you're dating someone else. How can that be? She sends you a text to see if you bite. And you did.

 

I am not in her head, but I just want you to be careful with the "why she does what she does"

 

I mean if she had wanted to reconnect, she probably would have jumped on the opportunity to keep on messaging you after this one text.

[7yearsbroken]

I'm dealing with NC too after a BU almost a year ago. Looking at her social media will drive you crazy. And as much as it hurts, her breadcrumbs are just that. I know I love her dearly I would contact her rut now if I could.. But she left me for someone else and I'll never know how she really feels. I don't know what her true feelings are but I think in the end, if the love was strong she wouldn't have left me, and if we could've worked things out, she should really take the initiative. It will be hard my friend, it still is for me. But NC means she most likely will never come back or call, and we need to accept that. It's not easy. GL godspeed

[jbelle6]

Being on her Facebook and responding to her breadcrumbs is not no contact.

 

Some people think that it's really far fetched that a dumper will just come out and say I WANT YOU BACK. But, the only time it happened to me he came right out and said, "I love you and I want to try again". They WILL come right out and say it. Don't respond to anything less.

 

There's no need to analyze all this small stuff, it is meaningless.

And I have a lot of girlfriends, and if a guy has a crush on them, even if they aren't interested, they still for some reason get pissed off if that guy gets a crush on a different girl. So a bit of jealousy or questions asked is simply that. Some people like when people pine after them.

[ponchsox]

If a dumper wants you back, they will make themselves available to you. They may not come out and say it, but they won't be opposed to it.

[IrishEyez]

Firstly I would like to thank everybody for the comments, ideas and support and for all the excellent insight into what we all have gone or are going through. Often times they are things that you do not want to hear, but going back reading it again - it all makes perfect sense

 

Two months in and after a lot of pain and misery and biting on those damn breadcrumbs more times then I can count, with her insisting I am still her best friend and how much she cares, last week I sent her a message saying - "Look its done, we are done, this is over. I thought maybe we could be friends but now realize that we can't - its just too hard. You keep sucking me back in and I just can't deal with it. Maybe a few years down the road we can be friends, but right now...its just not possible. - Goodbye!" So that was it, I finally have managed to pull my head out of my ass, said my goodbye and try to get on with my life again.

 

That all said, it has almost started to become amusing now. I have told her that's it, I have told her goodbye - but every night late she still throws those crumbs playing on my inner emotions ......."Nah not biting!!". It honestly feels like the tables are turning and may indeed be a classic case of GIGS. Am at the point though where I am not even sure I want her back anymore.

 

What I have learned.

 

NC is ABSOLUTELY the only way to go. Every time you break it, its like going back to day one. There is nothing to be gained from it. Zero!! Nada!! Zilch!!! You will never move on unless you "disappear" from his/her life. Hard it is yes but in the end so necessary. Realizing how hard it can be to do and how easily you can get sucked back in, I have found each time I do it, I do it in steps - NC that is, it gets easier each time. 1 day, then 3 days, then a week. At this point it is the best I have felt since it happened. The days get better and I start to live again. Sure I think about her every day, sure as hell am not going to tell her that, but I have found I can drift into something else now for a few hours without thinking about it/her. The downside of it all is the loneliness. My saving was my friends, where I threw myself back out there. Am hardly home anymore, it just allows me too much time to think when I am at home - and as stronger as I think I am getting, I know this feeling is very insidious and can creep back in at any time

 

So what everybody is saying here - its ALL true!! NC is to heal yourself, not to get them back. It simply will not work that way. If they want you back they will come out and say it - period. Every time you break NC you just get sucked back into the vacuum. Back to square one.