Dating someone with anxiety

[MissionPossible]

So…dating someone with anxiety is way harder than I thought. How do you date someone who thinks they're not good enough for you, is insecure, regularly freaks out about the possibility of falling in love or getting hurt? This guy has a wonderful heart and is whip smart, but rather severe anxiety as well. At this point he's basically gone silent on me and I'm not sure what to do. I really like him, but he seems to be convinced he is unlovable. Of course, I've had guys disappear on me before and usually it's just because they're not really interested, but this one is different, I can tell it has more to do with his issues than with disinterest.

 

He's had long-term relationships before so I feel like if I could just get over the initial nerve-wracking stage, things would settle down a bit.

 

Mainly I'm interested in hearing from people who have/had anxiety related to dating and relationships.

 

Thanks!

[pink_sugar]

I had severe anxiety and depression when I was in my late teens and was seriously insecure. Are you sure your guy isn't just insecure? I still have generalized anxiety (adverse to changes, worrying excessively about small things), but I think I'm pretty confident in myself nowadays when it comes to my self esteem and self worth. (I'm almost 25 now). I don't need to have my husband reassure me that I am lovable or etc. If he really does have anxiety, is he doing anything to work on himself? (medication? therapy?)

[d0nnivain]

You have the option of not dealing with this. You aren't the guy's therapist. I know that approach is harsh but tough love is not a terrible thing.

 

 

Is the person in counseling? I made it a condition of dating a guy who had bi-polar.

[KathyM]

It's probably best to let this guy go. He has a lot of issues to work on for himself if he suffers from such anxiety and low self esteem. You can't "fix" him. He needs to work on himself with a therapist so that he can be at a healthy level of functioning. Living with someone with high anxiety is very difficult, because they will likely be upset often and have poor coping skills. Living with someone with low self esteem is very difficult, because they tend to be depressed and moody, and need constant/continual reassurance and pep talks, and even then they will likely not be encouraged. The guy needs counseling before he can be healthy enough to be a good relationship partner. Living with someone with high anxiety and low self esteem is very draining, and will take a toll on your relationship and life satisfaction. I would suggest letting this guy go, and hopefully he will eventually get help for his issues.

[MissionPossible]

Hi - yes, he does have clinically diagnosed anxiety, without depression as I understand. He is on medication but it's as-needed, and obviously not enough to keep him controlled on a daily basis.

 

If we were to date I would probably make therapy a condition as well. Right now he is not in therapy.

 

donnivain - I absolutely agree. I have no interest in being this guy's therapist, nor do I want to be his mommy. I don't want to approach this from a florence nightingale complex place. I just want to be his equal/partner.

 

At the moment I am going on dates with other guys because I don't feel like over investing myself in something that isn't going to work. If it fails spectacularly, I'm okay with that, my ego can handle it. I just don't want to forever wonder "what if". I guess it's hard to explain over an anonymous forum why I'm not at a place where I want to just let this guy go. I like him a lot, underneath the anxiety he is an amazing person, it puzzles me that he doesn't see himself that way. I think he is insecure and very self-conscious about his anxiety problem, which becomes a self-feeding cycle. I'm just wondering how to get past that, with the understanding that I can't fix him, nor is it my job to. I would love to support him in fixing himself, though.

[MissionPossible]

pink sugar - Were you still suffering with anxiety/insecurity issues when you met your husband? If so, how did you get together? Did you ever feel like running?

[Potz4prez]

From a neurotic male in remission:

 

His anxiety is something he has to get over himself if it's as bad as you make it out to be. He's gotta build himself up and work on his self-confidence/worth.

 

Until then, regular reminders that you do care for him would help. Personally, if I fall for a girl, it's the periods inbetween contact that I start to get anxious for no reason. It could be that he likes you a little too much for himself to handle, hence the self-sabotage ("If I end it, she can't hurt me" etc).

 

Oh, and be as clear as possible when you discuss anything related to the relationship... anything else will give him doubts to stew in. Let him know you want things to continue. Additionally, let him take initiative, but make it PAINFULLY obvious that you want him to... it'll build his confidence in your relationship.

 

Orrrr just move on to an emotionally stable guy. It'd be easier.

[pink_sugar]

pink sugar - Were you still suffering with anxiety/insecurity issues when you met your husband? If so, how did you get together? Did you ever feel like running?

 

Yes, I was. It was very difficult and if I could go back, I would work on myself before having a relationship, but I was young and it just happened. He was always very supportive through my eventual recovery. I wouldn't blame him if ran, honestly. I have a prescription for daily anxiety maintenance, but lately I haven't needed it as most of my anxiety issues are situational. The simulators haven't been present much. We used to have a lot of drama with our families, financial issues and etc, but it's vastly improved. I would recommend your boyfriend look into a medication such as buspirone that helps with daily anxiety maintenance, but it definitely sounds like he also needs therapy for the lack of esteem.

[MissionPossible]

It could be that he likes you a little too much for himself to handle, hence the self-sabotage ("If I end it, she can't hurt me" etc).

 

Wow, that's almost exactly what he said, word for word. Does that really happen? It's hard for me to understand, I guess.

 

Thanks for your input. All of that was pretty much spot on, I think!

[MissionPossible]

@ pink sugar - Thanks. I definitely agree. Then again, I feel like it's his decision to make, not mine, and that I shouldn't be pushing him into anything that he doesn't want for himself.

 

Aside from all that - we aren't even talking right now, it's been over a week. He asked for some time two weeks ago, I said that was fine and have sent him a couple texts since then with sporadic replies, but mostly nothing. What is the best course of action at this point? Just leave it alone until I hear from him? Or give him a few weeks and then just say hi? I'm afraid that if I don't speak to him at all that I'll just never hear from him again since he seems to be so convinced that he is not worth dating.

[Strength in Healing]

OP, this is a tough one. You are kind of playing the fence though, by worrying about being this guys equal yet going on other dates. You may have a clearer perspective by choosing a side..

 

 

Yes, I was. It was very difficult and if I could go back, I would work on myself before having a relationship

 

 

This concerns me. I am well versed with anxiety, that is what I am specializing in in my PhD. From what you have stated, I would think your anxiety actually still greatly exists, and the security you feel from your marriage is masking it. I have seen about 11 studies so far with people who have stated very similar things. In 10 of the 11, when the marriage fell apart, they relapsed to being anxiety-ridden again, and in some cases, drastically progressed. The other 1 had prior medical conditions that ultimately proved to interfered with the study.

 

I say this not to scare you, but to enlighten you -- it may be worthwhile to continue therapy if you aren't. To have gone from severe anxiety in teens to very little to none by 25 is what I refer to as a psychological miracle.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Strength in Healing

[Valen]

So…dating someone with anxiety is way harder than I thought. How do you date someone who thinks they're not good enough for you, is insecure, regularly freaks out about the possibility of falling in love or getting hurt? This guy has a wonderful heart and is whip smart, but rather severe anxiety as well. At this point he's basically gone silent on me and I'm not sure what to do. I really like him, but he seems to be convinced he is unlovable. Of course, I've had guys disappear on me before and usually it's just because they're not really interested, but this one is different, I can tell it has more to do with his issues than with disinterest.

 

He's had long-term relationships before so I feel like if I could just get over the initial nerve-wracking stage, things would settle down a bit.

 

Mainly I'm interested in hearing from people who have/had anxiety related to dating and relationships.

 

Thanks!

 

It's really amazing that you are so understanding. Wish more girls are like you. I used to be that kind of guy back when the love of my life destroyed me emotionally. I would go silent when I start having feelings for someone. What you need to do is reassure him that you aren't going to leave him. You can definitely bring them back and help them heal by building up that trust. What you should do is be very affectionate to him, hug him, kiss him when he go silent and also don't force him to talk. Suggest things to do for fun, like movies or go to an amusement park. And when you end the date, look deep into his eyes and tell him how you feel. Eventually his heart will heal and he'll come around and love you with all his heart.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Valen

[Potz4prez]

Wow, that's almost exactly what he said, word for word. Does that really happen? It's hard for me to understand, I guess.

 

Thanks for your input. All of that was pretty much spot on, I think!

 

It's pretty much the standard move of anxious males who have been hurt before. Except usually it happens before there's even a first date. The fact that he's gotten this far is good. However, at this point it may be out of his control. I had a similar experience years back, and the sheer thought of making myself vulnerable gave me anxiety attacks - I would tell people she was smothering me (far from the truth) and then withdraw.

 

He may be going through something similar... He may need YEARS to get to a point where he is ready for a romantic relationship. Even if you do get him back, I'd be afraid all his insecurities would be toxic for the relationship.

 

If you really see something in him though, just continue with your gentle reminders and start proposing fun activities like another use said. I hope everything works out for you two

 

Edit: And as the above poster said... Show him some physical affection... Slowly at first if you haven't. He's CRAVING it, but may be too anxious to act on it.

Edited May 13, 2014 by Potz4prez

[Tayla]

I was diagnosed 7 months ago with high anxiety. Enuff said.

 

op walk away with respect for the person. This person ( as does most humans) deserve support to see them thru this. Its not a lack of confidence, its a chemical imbalance. I wish them a successfull journey to recovery.

[lollipopspot]

I was diagnosed 7 months ago with high anxiety.

 

What are you doing about it? Have you found anything to be effective?

[MissionPossible]

It's pretty much the standard move of anxious males who have been hurt before. Except usually it happens before there's even a first date. The fact that he's gotten this far is good. However, at this point it may be out of his control. I had a similar experience years back, and the sheer thought of making myself vulnerable gave me anxiety attacks - I would tell people she was smothering me (far from the truth) and then withdraw.

 

 

Edit: And as the above poster said... Show him some physical affection... Slowly at first if you haven't. He's CRAVING it, but may be too anxious to act on it.

 

P4P - What happened with the girl you withdrew from, if you don't mind me asking?

 

He did freak out before our first date, but I also knew beforehand that he had anxiety, so I just tried again. The funny thing is, when we actually get together, it's FINE. I feel so comfortable with him it's unbelievable and he seems to feel the same way. He actually kissed me first, even though we were both scared. And our chemistry is insane. I'm not too worried about the physical aspect of everything - it just seems like it's the times between us seeing each other in which he freaks out. I wish I could understand what's happening in his head - it seems like the more his feelings developed, the harder things got for him.

 

Specifically, I'm not sure how to respond to his current silence. With any other guy, I would just wait it out. But this is totally uncharted territory for me. Do I get in touch? Wait till he contacts me? Give him a month to chill out and then call him? I have no clue

 

(I will say that this is some great advice. You're all providing valuable insight for me.)

[Potz4prez]

P4P - What happened with the girl you withdrew from, if you don't mind me asking?

 

He did freak out before our first date, but I also knew beforehand that he had anxiety, so I just tried again. The funny thing is, when we actually get together, it's FINE. I feel so comfortable with him it's unbelievable and he seems to feel the same way. He actually kissed me first, even though we were both scared. And our chemistry is insane. I'm not too worried about the physical aspect of everything - it just seems like it's the times between us seeing each other in which he freaks out. I wish I could understand what's happening in his head - it seems like the more his feelings developed, the harder things got for him.

 

Specifically, I'm not sure how to respond to his current silence. With any other guy, I would just wait it out. But this is totally uncharted territory for me. Do I get in touch? Wait till he contacts me? Give him a month to chill out and then call him? I have no clue

 

(I will say that this is some great advice. You're all providing valuable insight for me.)

 

Ha, well it ended up she was actually just trying to use me for rebound sex, so she flew the coop pretty quickly. Definitely a different scenario... Not all girls are decent like you

 

It's been a week since last contact? Maybe try to invite him out for something casual, or just ask to meet at his place. But keep the invitation light-hearted and fun... then maybe he'll open up and let you know what's bothering him and you can address it. I feel like just seeing you in person will help a lot. The longer he stays out of contact, the more valid his anxieties will become to him.

 

If he doesn't respond to that, all you can do is move on. He may just not be ready for a relationship.

[pink_sugar]

OP, this is a tough one. You are kind of playing the fence though, by worrying about being this guys equal yet going on other dates. You may have a clearer perspective by choosing a side..

 

 

 

 

 

This concerns me. I am well versed with anxiety, that is what I am specializing in in my PhD. From what you have stated, I would think your anxiety actually still greatly exists, and the security you feel from your marriage is masking it. I have seen about 11 studies so far with people who have stated very similar things. In 10 of the 11, when the marriage fell apart, they relapsed to being anxiety-ridden again, and in some cases, drastically progressed. The other 1 had prior medical conditions that ultimately proved to interfered with the study.

 

I say this not to scare you, but to enlighten you -- it may be worthwhile to continue therapy if you aren't. To have gone from severe anxiety in teens to very little to none by 25 is what I refer to as a psychological miracle.

 

I've actually been married 6 years and it wasn't until very recently my anxiety settled down. It bothers me when there are very high stress situations or traumatic events (that's mostly why I had severe anxiety when I was younger...I was in an abusive home environment). But I am not insecure like I used to be as a teenager (part of that is just growing up) or needy. I don't need a man to feel confident about myself. When I mean confident, I mean confident about myself in who I am, my career and goals I have accomplished and knowing what I want.

Edited May 14, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Tayla]

What are you doing about it? Have you found anything to be effective?

 

Change certain dietary items that magnify my symptoms. Also take a natural chemical compound ( inositol) that works to eleviate it. No pharmaceutical meds though YAY! Therepy twice monthly , and learned to take brief walks to keep my energy evened. Certain herbal teas help too! Thanks for asking.

 

To Skuds: You nailed it with your perspective and experience. we didnt ask for these ailments, yet we take responsibilty. Some folks are simply not meant to understand ....their love and dedication lays elsewhere in human endeavors. Glad you have a good support system, it helps during the moments.

 

The OP has some interesting reasonings ...just hope that our posts help open the door to the truth of it and how to support a person .

[Michelle ma Belle]

My ex husband is currently in a relationships with a woman who has SEVERE anxieties about everything.

 

Until recently, things were manageable while they were dating. Then they moved into together a few months ago and blended their families. Ever since then, my ex has not be the same. He is ALWAYS stressed out and punchy. He walks on eggshells in his own home so as not to set her off since the slightest things can and do. She's insanely jealous of me (not sure why) and especially with my ex's and my friendship. So much so that my ex has had to pull away to try and make her feel more comfortable. Ridiculous that grown adults have to act this way.

 

Its never ending the hoops he has to jump through to make her happy and feel secure. I don't see or hear HER making any sacrifices for him after all. He doesn't even seem happy anymore but yet feels he can't leave her in her fragile state.

 

I'm sure she's a good person deep down but her actions and demands and insecurities are not only tearing them apart but also affecting my ex's relationship with me but most importantly with our son.

 

It's a hard life and one that isn't for everyone.

Edited May 14, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[todreaminblue]

I get anxiety when i date anyone........i often feel like running.......my past is pretty hard for any guy to deal with and when it gets to the point when they need to know.......i get scared, anxious, insecure.........guys will think less of me so i observe how they react how they treat and or talk to others, if they have compassion and if they do, whether i am scared or not ill take the risk if i know i want that guy in my life...how i am less anxious is

 

 

if i can be friends with them first,its all abotu time with me, get to know them so i am able to trust them when i reveal my heart........ill see how they interact with friends or how their friends speak about them, how they treat elderly how they treat kids, how they relate, what their likes are what their dislikes are how they talk about or treat family.....if they are strongly against certain things that might cause problems later.i am pretty observant ......i have had to be.......then normally, ill say straight up i like you more than a friend and i would like to get to know you, to discern in my mind and theirs i guess my normal guy girl friendships because i have a few, normally guys i am helping though

 

 

so when people talk on here about friendzoning and all that jazz, with me its necessity,i tried jumping straight into a relationship late last year and it didnt work out, i have to be able to trust any guy i am with first i have to know a guy well enough before i ever let them actually see who i am, and why i am like i am ........

 

anxiety is a lesser problem of mine......something most of the time i can handle......i am a disassociative due to trauma that i feel is far more impacting on a relationship.....and yet my longest relationship was fifteen years, so i dont doubt i can stay in a relationship and i dont doubt that is what i want to be in......but i am vulnerable once i am in one and i am completly open and honest...so i have to be careful who i trust.....

 

the best way to relieve feelings of misgivings or anxiety is to make a situation routine and or exposure to the situation or person , the more exposure and nothing bad happens, the more comfortable a person is, to then relax and be themselves and trust others...even more so with disassociation.......

 

being in a familiar place also helps......exposure with calm people and situations,familiarity and routine kicks anxiety's ass.......so does forming strong bonds of friendship first i feel....its all reassurance to a person suffering from anxiety and or insecurities....best wishes....deb

Edited May 14, 2014 by todreaminblue

[MissionPossible]

 

It breaks my heart just a tad when I see people recommend without hesitation that they skip over dating people like me;

 

I agree - that's why I'm posting here. I already know that dating him would be more difficult than dating someone "normal". But I also believe that he's completely worth it, which is why I need help.

 

 

Not trying to guilt you in any way OP. I totally get why you would choose to walk. I'm lucky that I found someone who loves me in all the ways I can't love myself, and can support me while I'm trying to fix myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you truly love this dude, enough that you love him even when he's being difficult, or petulant, or childish, or depressive, then absolutely stand by him while he figures himself out.

 

I can't say I love him yet - I haven't known him long enough. But I can say that when we did spend time together, that I felt a hundred times happier and more comfortable than I did with the last 5-10 guys in a row that I've dated. I just felt like he wasn't judging me. At all. I could just be my stupid goofy self and he thought it was totally cool.

 

Thanks for your response. Right now my biggest struggle is figuring out how to get through to him. Like I said he's been silent for over a week, my last two texts went unanswered. In his case I just know it's not that he doesn't care or doesn't want to talk, it's some irrational fear of…I don't even know what. And I don't know how to get him to respond to me while still respecting his space. Last time I texted him was 5 days ago. Sigh

[todreaminblue]

I agree - that's why I'm posting here. I already know that dating him would be more difficult than dating someone "normal". But I also believe that he's completely worth it, which is why I need help.

 

 

 

I can't say I love him yet - I haven't known him long enough. But I can say that when we did spend time together, that I felt a hundred times happier and more comfortable than I did with the last 5-10 guys in a row that I've dated. I just felt like he wasn't judging me. At all. I could just be my stupid goofy self and he thought it was totally cool.

 

Thanks for your response. Right now my biggest struggle is figuring out how to get through to him. Like I said he's been silent for over a week, my last two texts went unanswered. In his case I just know it's not that he doesn't care or doesn't want to talk, it's some irrational fear of…I don't even know what. And I don't know how to get him to respond to me while still respecting his space. Last time I texted him was 5 days ago. Sigh

 

 

 

dont text him again if he is truly a runner......let him answer you.......give him space and if he runs further....it wasnt going to ever happen.......if he comes back or answers you know he is making an effort regardless of anxiety ...which is a good sign.....deb