wd32789 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Hi everyone, Im new here and wasnt quite sure in which category this one would fit in. Im a 30-something male. Last month my wife of 3 years come home one day told me something had to change as she wasnt happy. She hadnt been acting herself for a few days before this news, but this still come as a massive shock that turned my emotions, feelings and life upside down. We agreed to work on it, and to see how things worked out over the following days. I knew something else was wrong through, naturally I know my wife and have been through some tough times with her. Just like anyone that is married does! I found out in the following days that she had feelings for another guy, someone she works with and that she just didnt know what she wanted anymore. This was even more shocking news, to which I was calm and tried to help her see sense. To no avail, might I add. A few days passed, and sleeping in separate rooms and chatting about it didnt seem to help. I knew something else was wrong, and she was constantly changing - I felt she was a different woman. She admitted to not only having feelings for another guy, but after she initially told me during that week she had gone to see him and kissed him. I applauded her honesty at this point, but didnt want to hear it. This was my final straw and it crushed me to know the one person in my life who I shared my hopes and dreams and a promising future with could actually do this to someone she loved. Since that point, I decided to move out to allow us to both have space. I felt I needed that space too, as going back to our marital home, seeing our pictures, belongings etc made me an emotional and physical wreck. I have been gone long enough to have time to think myself, however modern technology is too tempting to allow for a quick chat by text, call etc so it hasnt been a complete stop. My wife has been doing some soul searching and has admitted to that she doesnt feel that spark she used to. She said I tick every other single one of her boxes, but that one and she doesnt know whether its going to work, but she wants to try and this other guy is out of the picture (or so she says). We have both started counselling to try and reconcile our marriage. My issue is this. Can I move on from this? My wife is like a different person to me right now, in both the way she is with me and the things she is saying to me. It doesnt feel like the wife whom I trusted, respected and thought was loyal. It just feels like a woman who has ripped my heart out and took control of the situation. I feel so lost and confused. I want to try, but im scared ill hold back. I want to walk away, but im scared of missing the love of my life. Another part of me fears resenting her for what she has done. All on top of that, and this is my biggest fear - what if we arent right for each other? Is this a sign? Could I move on and be happy? Do I want to? I can be impatient in my life, thats one of my traits (take it or leave it) and I know this process cant be rushed, but I feel like due to her actions my life is now on hold, with one good day and one bad day. Im still living elsewhere, and feel like if I really go for this she is going to rip my heart out and stamp on it again. Thanks for listening, any advice is really appreciated!
lauri Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I'm really sorry - honestly, I am this happened to you. I think you've made the right decision to move out and not speak with her. Being around, speaking with her would only decrease your chances of fixing anything and put you into a worst situation emotionally. First and foremost, she has lost interest in you and instead of working on it - she's moving onto something new. I have zero respect for what she did and you need to protect yourself from any further pain. This new "spark" she is feeling with her co-worker, who most likely knows she is married, will not last. She will have her rush and then eventually begin to realize she is making a mistake..I can promise you that. But the only way she will realize that is if you do not speak to her and do not even give her your time of day. I have even less respect for the guy she kissed (b/c he probably knows of you) and she is with a guy with little to no value or morals. The wife you once knew has turned cold and no longer "loves" you the way she used to (aka spark)...some people are so short sighted. I'm not saying this cannot change...but it will take time. You need to really take a step back - staying around will only ruin your chances of fixing things right now. Moving on is going to be very difficult to do, but you cannot change how she feels. You deserve to be with someone who will stand by your side during tough times, not pushing you away and doing what she is doing to you. Do not show her you're hurt - she doesn't deserve that satisfaction. 2
mr_dave Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) I've been through this situation before, it's a horrendous position for you to be in. When a woman professes not to know what she wants...well you've probably had it. I thought the other guy was out of the picture (he wasn't) she said he was just a friend (he wasn't) and she said she had only kissed him. (but I later found out she had stayed the night at his and had her friend cover for her) I would suspect you're getting the trickle truth from her. Do you feel insulted OP? That you can have happy times with someone for such a long time, shower someone with love and have their best interests at heart, but then some guy chats her up, flashes his tattoos at her, or talks about his kids to her, and all of a sudden everything you did together counts for sh**. Knowing what I know now, I would make her decision for her. Edited May 13, 2014 by mr_dave spelling 7
FredJones80 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I've been through this situation before, it's a horrendous position for you to be in. When a woman professes not to know what she wants Do you feel insulted OP? That you can have happy times with someone for such a long time, shower someone with love and have their best interests at heart, but then some guy chats her up, flashes his tattoos at her, or talks about his kids to her, and all of a sudden everything you did together counts for sh**. Knowing what I know now, I would make her decision for her. Couldn't agree more with mr_dave. No offence to your wife but its pretty selfish tbh. She could do with reading... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687
Leigh 87 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I am all for having the spark, but after years together one must realise that the spark can ebb and flow. If you guys had natural chemistry and passion to begin with, I don't see why she would give up on it. It should still be there somewhere, she owes it to your marriage to try to find the spark you had which you first met. I am SO sorry this has happened to you, I hate knowing what a wreck you are:( It is a very sad situation, for marriage to come to an end:( Sounds like she needs to get her head straight and realise that true love, even the love that starts with the most passion and fireworks, does not ALWAYS stay that way! It takes work to being passion back to the level it was once at. Make sure you bring this point up, as many women don't realise that passion and "sparks" are NOT constant after years together! I am sure you are crushed enough as it is that she kissed another guy and was too weak willed to resolve things with YOU before even thinking about being with other people. her character is lacking, sadly. SHE does not deserve YOU at this stage! 1
M30USA Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Is she a drama queen? Usually drama queens are the ones who need constant spark. Also some people have pathologically high expectations of other people. My wife gave me the "spark" talk within 6 months of being married. I should've known where things were headed right then and there. 2
FredJones80 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I am all for having the spark, but after years together one must realise that the spark can ebb and flow. If you guys had natural chemistry and passion to begin with, I don't see why she would give up on it. It should still be there somewhere, she owes it to your marriage to try to find the spark you had which you first met. I am SO sorry this has happened to you, I hate knowing what a wreck you are:( It is a very sad situation, for marriage to come to an end:( Sounds like she needs to get her head straight and realise that true love, even the love that starts with the most passion and fireworks, does not ALWAYS stay that way! It takes work to being passion back to the level it was once at. Make sure you bring this point up, as many women don't realise that passion and "sparks" are NOT constant after years together! I am sure you are crushed enough as it is that she kissed another guy and was too weak willed to resolve things with YOU before even thinking about being with other people. her character is lacking, sadly. SHE does not deserve YOU at this stage! I'll be honest, reading some of your other replies in other threads I tended to roll my eyes. I suppose I didn't understand your exact point. Reading this above and you've hit the nail on the head. Really well thought out and really valid points. What is wrong with people? A LTR/marriage takes WORK, spark needs nurturing. You can love a good steak one day, try eating it every day for years on end, eventually you're going to have to add a little sauce to that steak to keep it interesting. Why do some people EXPECT that spark should just exist as a consistent, why don't they do something about it? They married you, if they're feeling down about something why don't THEY do something about it rather than expecting you to constantly be the source of their happiness or "spark" I refer back to this post constantly, because it is so well written and well thought through (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687) People are so damn selfish. Why get married if you aren't going to commit to your vows? for better for WORSE! Everyone has ups and downs, has she tried to resolve it before kissing this other guy? Why does some issues at home justify escaping reality with someone else? RECTIFY them. WORK at them. If after a long period you can't then leave. I'm so sick of this recurring theme. I feel so sorry for you wd32789. Do everything in your power to work at it, stick by her and fight for her. If at the end she walks away then at least you know you have done everything you can and she is at fault, she was the one who gave up and you gave it your all. Good luck! 3
Leigh 87 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Fred Jones, I never said that the instant sparks last, keeping you riding high in a fairy tale, at the constant high level it was on your second date. Please. I am not deluded:lmao: I do prefer instant sparks and for my relationships to start out passionate, but I certainly don't think the initial phase lasts forever. You actually have to be a good person and garner respect and admiration from a partner, or they fall out of love OR become a doormat if one partner is acting crappy and the other partner is too desperately in love to leave. Passion needs mutual respect to ever maintain its intensity. True love needs more than the initial spark. I would try darn hard with my current partner if we hopefully go on to get married. I would take the wedding vows very seriously and fight to stay with him and get he spark back. We started with a spark so I would fight tooth and nail to ... bring the spark back. Plus for the spark to die I think there would have to be a reason. My partner would have to really not be trying hard in life and not.. he would have to lose my respect and admiration for the spark to die I believe. I don't think sparks just poof; disappear. I am guessing that either: -life would have gotten in the way. A focus on kids, bills, mortgages, where your next meal is coming from, will you lose your job... - loss of respect and admiration. Does she not think as highly of you as she once did? - and lastly: did you EVER have instant chemistry to begin with, did you ever have sparks? Did you ever have much of a honey moon period? 1
Author wd32789 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 Thanks to everyone for helping, some really valid points here that can act as a reference. In short, we were together for 2 years when we got married, and I always remembering there being a spark. We had a tough time where I was just out of a relationship and was offered a good job abroad which I was working on when I met my wife. When we hit if off, I cancelled that and decided to stay and we have been happy every since (or so I thought). I had no warning of this at all. Not one bit. No intimacy changes, we were planning a family up until the months leading up to this and even had a big fancy holiday. Admittedly, we didnt always hold hands and ive been working away a little during early 2014, but ive always thought we were so strong, compatible and that these things happened to other people. We got back from holiday a week before, she went out a week later (obviously done what she did) and then the next day that was when it was announced. I feel like im almost coming to terms with what happens one day, then the next im a wreck. Im cant concentrate at work, i seldom sleep, ive lost 4kg weight in a week, but im determined to fight on and try to focus on myself. The problem right this second is the fact that in order to move forward in this marriage, I need to have hope. Have hope, and you put your heart into something. Put your heart into it and bam, the same happens again and the pain is prolonged. Is it normal to feel so down low that you think "hold up, ive gone through weeks of heartache now… whats the point?". These emotions change on a day to day basis. I sincerely appreciate your responses though.
Author wd32789 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 Fred Jones, I am guessing that either: -life would have gotten in the way. A focus on kids, bills, mortgages, where your next meal is coming from, will you lose your job... - loss of respect and admiration. Does she not think as highly of you as she once did? - and lastly: did you EVER have instant chemistry to begin with, did you ever have sparks? Did you ever have much of a honey moon period? I think work got in the way definitely. We dont work same patterns and I sometimes work away, likewise she does but we always make time for each other in the middle. She may have lost respect for me in some respects, but I have recently had a good promotion and my career is going from strength to strength. Thats why I need to have some stability too, as my concentration right now is about 30%. We hit it off quite quickly, I moved in within 5 months but it never felt too fast for either of us. It felt natural at the time. And in response to the other question, yes she is a bit of a drama queen. No matter how small or trivial, it is almost apocolyptic!
CarrieT Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 The "taking a break" thing is WRONG. All that does is give her permission to screw around with someone else while keeping you on hold. Read about The 180. File for divorce and push to make her choose. Giving her "space" is allowing her to walk all over you. Good luck! 2
Friskyone4u Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 The taking a break will only give her more time away from you to have sex with her co worker. I don't think you have the whole story. Her behavior sounds more like she has developed a strong sexual relationship with this guy at work and that is why she is acting different with you. You need to confront or do the detective work to uncover what is really happenning 2
Author wd32789 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 Thanks again for the advice. I may or may not know all of the details as people have suggested above. Im not sure what is going to happen long term, but for now I need to try and look out for myself and really figure out what can be done about the marriage and also what I want from my future. Im trying to have different outlooks on this such as "what if this was meant to work out this way to prepare me for something bigger and better". Who knows? Certainly not me, nor my wife. But im trying to think positive right at this moment, taking the good days with the not so good. Its tough not being able to think more than 1 day ahead but I think that trying to dig deep may help me move forward, whatever that may be. I just would prefer to know that I have given 100% to this before walking away as this will give me closure for the future, and allow me to move forward in a more constructive way which can only be good for my emotional well-being. Cheers,
FredJones80 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 I don't mean to sound "off" but it sounds like you've already resigned yourself to the fact this is happening. You seem to be posting a lot about YOUR future on your own, what YOU'RE going to do etc. Just the tone makes me think you're not as bothered as you may of first thought? I could be totally wrong, just going off what I read.
Author wd32789 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 FredJones, you may be right. I guess the only thing certain in this whole predicament is myself. I guess I have concerns on being optimistic after how little I am getting back from my wife, but I guess only time will tell. But I do care and hope it works out for the best. But if I let myself believe that fully, im setting myself up again. And thats my biggest issue right now. Im open to suggestions on how to cope with this, and have read a lot of the suggestions offered within this post including the all of the links. I appreciate all of the help and advice
heartbroken2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I'll be honest, reading some of your other replies in other threads I tended to roll my eyes. I suppose I didn't understand your exact point. Reading this above and you've hit the nail on the head. Really well thought out and really valid points. What is wrong with people? A LTR/marriage takes WORK, spark needs nurturing. You can love a good steak one day, try eating it every day for years on end, eventually you're going to have to add a little sauce to that steak to keep it interesting. Why do some people EXPECT that spark should just exist as a consistent, why don't they do something about it? They married you, if they're feeling down about something why don't THEY do something about it rather than expecting you to constantly be the source of their happiness or "spark" I refer back to this post constantly, because it is so well written and well thought through (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687) People are so damn selfish. Why get married if you aren't going to commit to your vows? for better for WORSE! Everyone has ups and downs, has she tried to resolve it before kissing this other guy? Why does some issues at home justify escaping reality with someone else? RECTIFY them. WORK at them. If after a long period you can't then leave. I'm so sick of this recurring theme. I feel so sorry for you wd32789. Do everything in your power to work at it, stick by her and fight for her. If at the end she walks away then at least you know you have done everything you can and she is at fault, she was the one who gave up and you gave it your all. Good luck! I love your comment! It is so true! Many people are getting married and when it doesn't feel right they just get divorce...many people think that marriage is "you have to make me happy"...marriage is not a Happiness Factory...nobody can make you happy...that is your job... I saw a comment (i don't remember where), but it made me look at marriage from a real point of view: " I think in today's society, we put so much emphasis on letting our feelings alone guide us in staying in a relationship. That is, it's been great, but one day we stop feeling in love, feeling it's right...And then based on that lack of feeling, we choose to end it..I think sometimes we have to make the choice to be with that person, even if it doesn't always FEEL right.... Love is a choice we make everyday, feeling come and go. We live in a society where we are taught to "trust your gut" on things. The truth is, we can't ultimately know if a relationship is right. Sometimes you have to take a chance and ride out the hard times. The times when it just doesn't feel right, you don't feel in love or when your partner just irritates the crap out of you. Think long and hard before you decide to give it up in the hopes that something will feel more right to you. "! 1
heartbroken2014 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 (edited) I am not an expert, but I think that if you want to be with her, both of you have to sit down, and talk about your feelings...Remind her that she made a commitment to you when you got married...She has to know that being married not always means being happy...she is the only one in charge of her happiness. You guys should read: Can lost love be ragained? http://www.marriagemoment.org/2011/02/can-lost-love-be-regained.html His Needs, Her Needs His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Willard F. Jr. Harley: 9780800719388: Amazon.com: Books Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome Amazon.com: Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage eBook: Nancy C. Anderson: Books The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work! The Couple's Survival Workbook: What You Can Do To Reconnect With Your Partner and Make Your Marriage Work: David Olsen, Douglas Stephens: 9780963878410: Amazon.com: Books Boundaries in Marriage Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310243144: Amazon.com: Books Do you guys go to church? If you do, talk to the Pastor..he can suggest what to do or recommend you counseling places to go... This guy has good posts about marriage... Marriage Archives - Kevin A. Thompson I wish you the best! Remember to take care of yourself...bye Edited May 15, 2014 by heartbroken2014
FredJones80 Posted May 15, 2014 Posted May 15, 2014 I saw a comment (i don't remember where), but it made me look at marriage from a real point of view: I like this quote, perhaps you can find me the source please I quote something the other day you may like heartbroken2014 :- Although it is a struggle to work through a difficult or unhappy phase in a relationship, many of the couples who persevere do find happiness again. One study found that nearly two thirds (62%) of people who were unhappily married but stayed together reported that their relationships were happy five years later. More about a similar topic is in my original post, you may enjoy it :- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/476516-romantic-love-vs-committed-love-food-thought I think people give up on things too easily, as you quote in the hope something else will make them "happy".. I think you should do all in your power before calling it quits. I'm not saying never call it quits but it should be the last resort... good men/women are hard to find.
Author wd32789 Posted May 19, 2014 Author Posted May 19, 2014 Hi all, Thanks for the advice, it really helped me reading peoples experiences, thoughts and opinions. My wife has since decided to call it a day without even trying, confessing she is now in love with the other party. So next stop is divorce for me. I hope they both burn in hell! That is all
FredJones80 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 Ah **** wd32789, I'm so so sorry. All I can say is there is only one person at fault here and that isn't you. I like this article :- The 'Grass is Greener" Syndrome | Relationships in Balance This is where the element of fantasy comes in, and with the fantasy comes projection. We’re going to want what we don’t have, and there’s a fantasy that we’ll get what we don’t have, and that the parts that we’re currently happy with won’t be sacrificed in this change. However, what ends up happening is that after the “honeymoon phase” of making the change, we find ourselves wanting to flip to the other side of the fence again because we discover that there are other things that we don’t have, and because the novelty of the change wears off. It ends up being true, that we always want what we don’t have, even if we’ve already jumped the fence several times. This is where projection comes in. When the grass is greener on the other side, we’re usually (if not always) placing personal unhappiness with ourselves onto something outside of us — generally a partner Why are people so fickle? Things get a bit "samey" or you can't pay 100% attention all the time so your wife lets her head be turned by some idiot. There just was no purpose in getting married if she wasn't prepared to put in effort her side. One bonus, once she realises that mr new guy comes with a range of different problems himself she'll again find herself "unhappy" .. a silver lining ? Good luck!
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