newbie

[Bernief]

Hello to all and thank you in advance for your honest replies.

 

 

A little background first. My wife and I dated for 14 years before we got married. On our first date when getting to know one another I said, "I never want to get married, and I don't want kids." My blunt and honest way of warding off a woman that might want these things I guess.

 

 

Anyway after dating for 12 years I asked my wife (Pauline), "You know, you never ever mentioned marriage to me, that's odd." (yes I'm very slow)

 

 

Anyway she started to well up and I knew it was important to her, that night I called her 2 closest friends and started plans for a wedding. Pauline you see was the best person in the world that I've ever known, and still is I might add.

 

 

Fast forward 2 years and we got married, everything was peaches for me and Pauline (or so I thought). Out of seemingly nowhere Pauline said to me one day, "I want to have a baby." I almost died! My heart sunk in my chest, I was about 43 at this time and she 36-37. But I love my wife unconditionally so I agreed to find out why she's never gotten pregnant.

 

 

After learning she couldn't get pregnant I was thrilled on the inside cause I still didn't want children, but I was sad for her.

 

 

A few months later she approached me with the idea of foster care/adoption. I realized this was not going to go away. I knew then that my life was over. I know I'm demanding of attention and that a child would stress the amount of attention I'd get. I should have ended the relationship then, but again Pauline deserved everything in life she ever wanted (Not that I didn't).

 

 

In the end we adopted a beautiful baby girl right from the hospital, today she is 4 yrs old and is the best thing in the world.

 

 

That said we had a foster child in between the adoption and I've been neglected emotionally, intellectually and sexually. I understand that being a mom and wife is hard, that's what I was worried about from the start.

 

 

After a few years of feeling like I didn't exist (I can't emphasize this enough) I sought out the help online of a female friend from FB that I met through another friend. She was "safe" for me, she lives 3,000 miles away, has a young child herself but most importantly she was on her way to becoming a sex therapist before changing career paths.

 

 

I asked her advice on how to get my wife back, I thought with all the rejection that maybe she was having an affair. (she wasn't) But getting turned down for sex often was hurting me deeply, so much so that when holidays and birthdays came around all I asked for was "to be loved". I was sad, depressed etc. and all she would say was, "You are loved" . It didn't help.

 

 

So this woman from 3000 miles away started giving me ideas to change things up, be romantic, loving, she gave me sex ideas, some worked some didn't. But after not to long Pauline realized we needed some adult time and we had a date night, things seemed to get better from there between us.

 

 

About 2 weeks ago Pauline saw a text from this other woman saying something very explicate and went nuts. I don't blame her but I did explain. Pauline then snooped more and saw some e-mails of the other woman and I role playing, all things that I tried on my wife and things that worked but Pauline isn't having any of it. There is more to this story and I will fill in the details later, must go to work now. Thank you for reading and formulating an opinion for me. Please be honest.

 

 

B

[acrosstheuniverse]

If I were Pauline, how betrayed I felt would depend on how aware I was of your feelings of neglect and how much I felt you had tried to recitfy things.

 

It could either make me think 'omg, that bastard! I had no idea he wasn't happy sexually, he never said a thing. Why didn't he come to me about this? He's probably having an affair with her'

 

or

 

'Wow, this is a wake up call. All of those times he tried talking to me to improve our sex life, I didn't realise it was THIS bad. This is partly my fault for failing to recognise his needs and work towards meeting them, and although I'm not happy he went to another woman outside of our marriage for support I can't exactly blame him seeing as he didn't get any from me'

 

or something between the two. To be honest though if I found dirty talk, role playing, between you and this woman, I'd go ballistic and see it as akin to cheating. Cos come on, you know you got off on it even if you never intended to make it physical.

 

Fourteen years is a long time. Maybe you should ask Pauline if she'll attend marital counselling with you, and discuss your feelings of being ignored by her, and hopefully she can show you that she still loves you and was just understandably preoccupied by kids and life. And if you're really lucky, she might forgive you for what she probably perceives as adultery.

[Bernief]

Thank you for your reply, I have offered to go to couple's consoling, offered to take a lie detector test to prove I have never met let alone been intimate with this woman friend. Right now she wants to read all deleted e-mail between us, and I don't know how to bring them back from being deleted.

 

 

I understand her mistrust of me and I'll do anything and everything I can to show I never stepped outside our marriage in a physical sense. I regret at this point even looking for help in the sense that I did.

 

 

I know I was wrong for allowing any conversation to go outside the norm. The friend did role play with me, trying to make me feel more comfortable with pillow talk etc. Telling me to offer to pleasure my wife without getting any in return. And when I did make those offers I was being turned down. My friend found that odd but offered up reasons as to why she may not want to even be pleasured, but also said that she may be having an affair too. (it was possible, but now I don't think it was happening)

 

 

I did express love for my friend, but only as a sort of compliment for her help, it was meant as, "Thanks, I luv you for this." of course Pauline reads this as I had emotions for her, which is even worse in some ways.

 

 

Pauline is crushed, I am crushed, even tough I never wanted children now that I'm blessed with one I would never give her up. This is not good and am at a loss as to what to do, it seems like Pauline doesn't even want to try and save us.

 

 

I keep trying to explain that I only reached out to find a cure for our ills, which I actually found, the ideas given me by my friend are what got us back paying attention to one another again. Once our relationship started to warm the e-mails between me and my friend all but stopped, and the sexual role play ended too, it was no longer needed.

 

 

We then spoke on the phone, but only about regular things like work, family etc. She was a friend when I needed someone and I respect that, however unorthodox her ideas were they worked.

 

 

I'm not proud of the sexual nature of our talks/emails but her ideas hit the nail on the head.

 

 

I'd told Pauline a number of times that I wasn't happy with the lack of sex I know she knew I was disappointed when I got turned down when offering a 1 way trip for her. And when someone asks you for your Christmas list and birthday wish and the only thing on that list 3 years running is "To be loved" I thought that would have someone take notice of a problem.

 

 

I hope this all makes sense, if you all need some explaining feel free to ask direct questions of me, I don't mind direct.

 

 

I have to admit that the role playing did make me feel good, make me feel like I was loved and it also went to far, it went across the line.

 

 

BF

[Bernief]

A quick update, we had a very heartfelt and open conversation last night, it didn't solve everything but it did start us down the road to open and honest communication. I feel a bit better about being able to resurrect our marriage.

 

 

It will be a long road to haul but I'm hoping that with last nights solid start we can take a few steps every day towards a new beginning.

 

 

For the women in this forum, please share your thoughts with me on this, it's the woman's perspective that will help me see things more clearly.

 

 

I'll post updates as they take place and in the mean time will be reading the other sections of this web site to gain an even better understanding of things.

[waterwoman]

Hi bernie, as a woman and a BW, perhaps I can point out one thing that may help you understand. You said you wanted to be loved. She said 'you are'. She believed that solved your problem, she reassured you that you WERE loved. What you should have said is 'I want more sex' because that is what you really wanted. I beleive a lot of women don't totally understand that sex in an establised relationship is the way men express and receive love. I thought sex was for getting your rocks off and love was expressed mostly in other ways. I imagine that she thought that it was ok to concentrate mostly on your child for a few years and that you would understand.

 

If I had received that message from my h, tbh I might have rolled my eyes a bit at the self-pity (sorry) and reassured you with words. I wouldn't have thought 'aha! What he needs is a good regular shagging!'

 

I know better now. But then again since Dday he has learned a few things about his failings too. I hope your new found honesty flourishes. It an only be a good thing x