how do i turn this casual fwb into a relationship?

May 13, 2014

i been seeing this guy very casually for about 8 months. we never go out and basically only have sex together. which was completely fine with me. he has a gf and we have met each other and she is ok with me seeing him. at first i did not want to pursue anything with him at all due to his gf, but they both convinced me that it was fine and what they both wanted. I figured this arrangement could work as I dont have to worry about being responsible for his happiness as he has his gf to look after him, and I could just have my fun with him.

at first I guess i got a bit neurotic with him as I'd never been in this situation before and it hurt me more than i expected. i guess he saw me as an emotional and needy female.

eventually i decided i needed to end this relationship as it was too damaging to my self-esteem and made me severely depressed.

I started to distance myself and see other guys, some of which were so good to me and treated me like gold and wanted a relationship with me, but i never felt the same spark that I felt with my fwb.

Since I have started distancing myself though, my fwb seems to have taken more interest in me. he is now contacting me more, seems to lust more for me and wanting to see me more. He also keeps asking me if I've been seeing other guys. I did not see him for 2 months which is the longest I havnt seen him but we msged each other regularly throughout this time and i know that he was going crazy with lust and I was making him sweat.

Basically Im wondering if there is any hope that this could turn into a relationship? I feel that the fact he keeps coming back to me is a sign that he may be addicted to me? as he can get sex easily anywhere, and with his gf, yet why does he always want me? and i would say i'm not "new" to him anymore.

i dont know if i should keep acting aloof to him, but i dont want him to start resenting me as sometimes i feel that he has built up angry towards me as sometime i tease then deny him sex. but i dont want to have a "talk" with him about anything, as i want him to want to be with me and not cause I asked him to.

Edited May 13, 2014 by lil_missy

May 13, 2014

Unless and until he breaks up with his girlfriend, no. It won't turn into a relationship.

Look, this is guy is having his cake and eating it too. It's very easy for him. The arrangement he has with his girlfriend about this is between them. It clearly doesn't work for you since it leaves you hurt and wanting more. I would not continue hanging out with him, let alone sleeping with him. You're being used, OP.

May 13, 2014

No, he wants to have sex with you and his gf. He misses the variety and she probably agreed because he has a high sex drive and she doesn't want to be bothered. He doesn't want you as a gf, sorry. He wants a FWB situation again.

May 13, 2014

He doesn't want a relationship, he wants you for sex only because that's the purpose for you in his life, he already has a GF that likely is successful at providing him that part of the relationship but not the in-bedroom excitement he needs or finds insatiable.

You also have to keep in mind that not many women would be willing to do what you do, so he needs to make sure to hold onto you, most guys would just lie and cheat or is instructing to keep the OW out of sight and mind as most women won't be able to realistically cope with the presence of another woman in your life, she'll want you all to herself.

Now for him, he's making her share but she's obviously either one in a million that's able to have an open relationship with him or very insecure and afraid to lose him, maybe even desperate. So that's the dynamic in his relationship that is likely present.

You're not intended to be with this guy exclusively, I can just about guarantee he would never want that even if he could, even if he lost his GF. It's not about you, it's the role you provide for him, do you understand that? It's not personal and emotional for him, sure he'll tell you it's this and that to keep you around but in the end it's highly doubtful he'd ever want this relationship with you because what makes this work is he gets to live out this fantasy and naughty relationship with you, and you get to fantasize about this actually being something real, and men can fake that chemistry and connection with women where they think something is there that truly isn't, I've seen it happen too many it times.

Anyway, you've obviously got some issues of your own, but you're not going to "win" the guy, in all honestly he's not half of what you're making him out to be, you're just stuck in this mentality and cycle that you keep forcing yourself to be addicted to, but you tell yourself it is he that is pushing it...when his behavior and his goals are clear to understand, he stands to gain, while you don't...so of course he's going to be persistent about it, but not because you're "special", sorry!

May 13, 2014

Well, how many men do you know who found "the one" through having her as FWB with her for 8 months first?

Why would a guy decide that a girl is only good enough for a FWB and then suddenly after 8 months, wake up and have the epiphany that she is the love of his life?

Most normal men stop seeing other women once they have found a girl who knocks their socks off. They don't get a different girlfriend and have a FWB with "the one"

8 months is enough time for this guy to know if the OP is someone he is DYING to have a relationship with.

May 13, 2014

Simple tell him about your feelings.. and be clear with him what you aspect from him..

May 13, 2014

i been seeing this guy very casually for about 8 months. we never go out and basically only have sex together. which was completely fine with me. he has a gf and we have met each other and she is ok with me seeing him. at first i did not want to pursue anything with him at all due to his gf, but they both convinced me that it was fine and what they both wanted. I figured this arrangement could work as I dont have to worry about being responsible for his happiness as he has his gf to look after him, and I could just have my fun with him.

at first I guess i got a bit neurotic with him as I'd never been in this situation before and it hurt me more than i expected. i guess he saw me as an emotional and needy female.

eventually i decided i needed to end this relationship as it was too damaging to my self-esteem and made me severely depressed.

I started to distance myself and see other guys, some of which were so good to me and treated me like gold and wanted a relationship with me, but i never felt the same spark that I felt with my fwb.

Since I have started distancing myself though, my fwb seems to have taken more interest in me. he is now contacting me more, seems to lust more for me and wanting to see me more. He also keeps asking me if I've been seeing other guys. I did not see him for 2 months which is the longest I havnt seen him but we msged each other regularly throughout this time and i know that he was going crazy with lust and I was making him sweat.

Basically Im wondering if there is any hope that this could turn into a relationship? I feel that the fact he keeps coming back to me is a sign that he may be addicted to me? as he can get sex easily anywhere, and with his gf, yet why does he always want me? and i would say i'm not "new" to him anymore.

i dont know if i should keep acting aloof to him, but i dont want him to start resenting me as sometimes i feel that he has built up angry towards me as sometime i tease then deny him sex. but i dont want to have a "talk" with him about anything, as i want him to want to be with me and not cause I asked him to.

You say "hey I know we are FWB but I think I'd like to see if we could be a couple"

He will either say no - then it's down for you to decide if you still want to bonk him or find someone else

he will say yes - you are a happy sausage.

It's not that difficult.

May 13, 2014

thanks everyone for your responses, so it sounds like no one thinks this will turn into a relationship =(

i know i put up with a lot of s*** from him bcuz he has a gf, and i justified that this was the reason he couldnt be with me and treat me the way i wanted -out of respect for his gf.

he and his gf have been together 7 years and been through a lot and i cant compete with that. i respect that and the fact that he has enough respect for their relationship to put her first. i actually really like that about him.

i feel he is showing me less respect and treating me more like an object by the day. but its so hard to walk away from him as i feel that if i do then he "wins" and gets away with treating me badly. im a competitive person and hate to lose, and i feel that i have lost so much self respect if i walk away now. All i do is please him as best as i can in bed and this is what i get in return. There are other guys that are absolutely "in love" with me and i dont do anything for them, not even a kiss. sometimes i feel that im way too good for him and cannot even fathom that he is not in love with me. he should feel so lucky to be with me. and when i think of this i feel so mad. i just want to hurt him and break him emotionally.

he plays games with me and i was so naive in the beginning but im a quick learner and i can play that game too. that is why i dont want to walk away coz i really want to turn this around.

i simply cannot tell him my feelings upfront as that would completely defeat the purpose. i dont want him to know that he has hurt me so badly.

chuckychuck - what do you respectfully disagree with?

ninjaPJs - ive read many of your posts and you seem to give sound advice. thanks for your honestly and i appreciate a guys POV. i feel like ive lost some more hope after what u said but thats prob a good thing.

May 13, 2014

So OP, you become his main squeeze then he decides he misses having a side piece because that's how its always been. He then finds another to fill that position and the cycle continues...............

He'll never be satisfied with ONE woman.

May 13, 2014

i feel he is showing me less respect and treating me more like an object by the day. but its so hard to walk away from him as i feel that if i do then he "wins" and gets away with treating me badly. im a competitive person and hate to lose, and i feel that i have lost so much self respect if i walk away now.

I meet women like you often, your type is the one that competes for other womens' boyfriends and turn everything into insecure game playing because your self esteem is so low. You really need to get a grip. His respect for you is likely to be zero and to be honest, every moment you stay it will remain low or drop even further. It's that requirement for external validation that makes you think it's about being 'competitive' while really you just need constant reassurance that you are worth something. In his eyes are you are not and men can read you. Unless you see yourself more than just a bit on the side, you will remain exactly that.

May 13, 2014

Well... I am married to my former FWB and have a child together, so I know it's possible. However, in our scenario, I called the shots the entire time. I initiated the FWB, I rejected the notion of dating him for a long time, and I eventually decided I wanted a relationship.

The dynamic in your situation is different. You've lost your power by being at his beck and call and continuing to have sex even though you want more.

My suggestion would be to stop having sex. If he asks why, tell him you've been seeing other guys and you want to start looking for a real relationship, and he can't give you that. He will likely continue pursuing you, at least for a while... but you must not give in. If by any chance he really does want to be with you, the only way to get him is to state clearly what you want and "force" him to give it to you or not have you at all.

Good luck!

May 13, 2014

Thanks Arabella for your encouragement! it is so refreshing!

can i ask why u rejected having a relationship with ur FWB for a long time?

and did he ever act resentful towards you?

i think i will try what you suggested and see how that goes. it will be hard coz i do really enjoy having sex with him and cant imagine doing that with someone else atm.

in fact i did tell him recently that i wanted to see other guys. his reaction was kinda mixed. first he seemed ok with it. but later out of nowhere he said he doesnt think we should see eachother as much anymore so that i can have more time to get to know the other guys. i told him dont worry i only see u every fortnight or less, that i have plenty of time for other guys. he said he does not want to hear about it if i do. then he said he could meet a girl that he likes to F*** everyday and he wont tell me.

but after that he actually started texting me more and more keen to see me on my terms. he told me that he has been keeping out of trouble which i assume he means not sleeping with other girls. and he kept asking me if i been F***ing other guys even though he said he didnt want to hear about it. i told him yes even though i havnt then he looked mad and asked me if they were small. later that night he said to me" let me know when ur pussy is available" which was so mean, and he never said anything that hurtful to me before. i felt it was uncalled for and he was basically calling me a slut to hurt me.

emilia - i have never competed for another woman's bf. in fact i regularly have ppl's bf's hit on me and i just ignore them. but you are right i do seek external validation. bcuz i dont know how to have internal validation. i dont even know what that is, even though ppl talk about it all the time. i cant wrap my head around the concept of validation through one self. im seeing a therapist right now.

Edited May 13, 2014 by lil_missy

May 13, 2014

i been seeing this guy very casually for about 8 months. we never go out and basically only have sex together. which was completely fine with me. he has a gf and we have met each other and she is ok with me seeing him. at first i did not want to pursue anything with him at all due to his gf, but they both convinced me that it was fine and what they both wanted. I figured this arrangement could work as I dont have to worry about being responsible for his happiness as he has his gf to look after him, and I could just have my fun with him.

at first I guess i got a bit neurotic with him as I'd never been in this situation before and it hurt me more than i expected. i guess he saw me as an emotional and needy female.

eventually i decided i needed to end this relationship as it was too damaging to my self-esteem and made me severely depressed.

I started to distance myself and see other guys, some of which were so good to me and treated me like gold and wanted a relationship with me, but i never felt the same spark that I felt with my fwb.

Since I have started distancing myself though, my fwb seems to have taken more interest in me. he is now contacting me more, seems to lust more for me and wanting to see me more. He also keeps asking me if I've been seeing other guys. I did not see him for 2 months which is the longest I havnt seen him but we msged each other regularly throughout this time and i know that he was going crazy with lust and I was making him sweat.

Basically Im wondering if there is any hope that this could turn into a relationship? I feel that the fact he keeps coming back to me is a sign that he may be addicted to me? as he can get sex easily anywhere, and with his gf, yet why does he always want me? and i would say i'm not "new" to him anymore.

i dont know if i should keep acting aloof to him, but i dont want him to start resenting me as sometimes i feel that he has built up angry towards me as sometime i tease then deny him sex. but i dont want to have a "talk" with him about anything, as i want him to want to be with me and not cause I asked him to.

This has drama headache written all over it. So you dipped your toe in "alternative waters" and guess what? Quelle surprise, it didn't work. And why would it? You were good enough for sex, just sex, but then basically because you're a human being and hardwired for something with a little more depth, you got hurt

You sound very young and inexperienced and as a result have been woefully naive. Why would you even want to turn this into a relationship? The guy has shown himself to be a selfish jerk. He wants to be the "cat who got the cream". I guarantee you that's the only reason he's showing an interest now that you're moving on, but once you fall into his trap of reciprocating you will be back to square one and feeling even worse than you do now.

That's when it will become an addictive cycle of highs and lows, and you will end up going back for more because you'll convince yourself the highs are "worth it".

Sounds healthy, right?

Cut your losses now and in future don't give the goods before someone has truly invested in you. I don't care how "nice this guy seems" or whatever - his behaviour is jerk behaviour - ergo, red flag. Up to you, but don't say you were't warned.

May 13, 2014

i know i put up with a lot of s*** from him bcuz he has a gf, and i justified that this was the reason he couldnt be with me and treat me the way i wanted -out of respect for his gf.

Easy way to avoid the s***, get a bf of your own. Once you start sleeping with a new guy, you'll get the 'spark'.

he and his gf have been together 7 years and been through a lot and i cant compete with that. i respect that and the fact that he has enough respect for their relationship to put her first. i actually really like that about him.

So don't compete, just be happy with your allotted 'bit on the side' role, or move on, and find someone who treats you with the respect that you say he treats his gf with that you also want....except I'm guessing you might not be as understanding about him sleeping with other sexy lil fwbs on the side when you are the gf. In a proper fwb relationship, both parties treat each other with respect. If you are now getting treated like an object then you lower on the rung for him, and just a f*** buddy/booty call. Don't read so much into him txting you and asking about your sex life. He is not dreaming of you being his main gf now.

he plays games with me and i was so naive in the beginning but im a quick learner and i can play that game too. that is why i dont want to walk away coz i really want to turn this around.

If you are a quick learner then you walk off on someone playing games, though when you are a fwb, I don't see why there needs to be any games. Its nsa, no need to stooge the girl, unless she's fallen in love and wants more, but the guy has no intention of changing the dynamic but wants to keep it going for longer. You haven't said you are in love with him, rather it seems you want to compete with gf for his love. From what you wrote you it seems you mainly want to get greater control of this situation for validation.

May 13, 2014

i feel he is showing me less respect and treating me more like an object by the day.

You are the f***-buddy of a guy with a long-standing gf. This is not typically the basis for a relationship built on respect.

Why don't you find your own man?

May 13, 2014

It is possible but highly improbable. If you stop having sex with this guy & tell him you want a real relationship he may break up with his GF & date you but I highly doubt it. Even if he does are you going to be like her & agree to let him get some side action? From his perspective, it will be more fun to let you go & bring on another FWB while keeping his GF.

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