ASBR Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Dear all, I’m a relatively new member on these forums, with just as new relationship problems. By posting I hope to get some advice and insights I haven’t yet though of, since my head is pretty much chaos right now. Even if not, it’s always nice to just write it out I guess. Anyway, I’ll try to keep it short. Me (24 years) and my ex girlfriend (almost 22 years old) broke up a little more than a month ago. By the time of the break-up, our LDR had been going on for about a year, and prior to that we spent 6 months together in the same city. The LDR meant seeing each other about a week every other month, and texting and Skyping daily. The break-up: Phase 1 I was the one initiating the break-up. During a few months before the break-up, I had thoughts of ending the relationship. The texting, the Skyping, or even seeing her, didn’t feel that fun and exciting as it used to feel. On top of that, I had started to develop an interest for a girl in my home country (that I was not intending on pursuing in any way, even if we broke up!). I took these feelings as signs of my feelings for my girlfriend getting weaker. About 5 weeks ago I told her. I told her that I was afraid that I loved her less and that I wasn’t sure I could make the sacrifices and the efforts it takes to keep a LDR intact. We broke up. She was shocked and sad; she didn’t see this coming. She tried to make me change my mind and she begged. During the weeks following the break-up I could not pull the trigger completely: I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I wanted to take her back so badly, but I was afraid of me falling back into these break-up thoughts a month or two afterwards, in the end hurting her more. At times I also felt that since I had thought about breaking up for some time I should go with it – even though I didn’t feel that way during the actual break-up. During the 2-3 weeks following the break-up I therefore kept her in some sort of limbo. I told her that I still love her (which is true), we kept talking to each other, and I never really closed the door on our relationship. She asked if we could try again, I gave her positive indications, just to once again say that I don’t believe in the relationship a few hours later. I hate myself for doing this, and I truly regret it, but none of it was on purpose. Everything was relatively normal from my point of view during Phase 1. I was thinking rationally, still thinking that breaking up was the best thing to do. My own feelings were sort of unchanged. As a result, I didn’t do anything to forget her, I rather tried keeping her in my life as a friend. The break-up: Phase 2 About a week and a half ago, just around 4 weeks after the break-up, it gets to my knowledge that she’s been on a date with another guy. A few days later I see a picture of her with said guy. I talk to her about it, and she says that they hang out at times, but that it’s nothing serious. She doesn’t love him and she’s not ready for a new relationship yet. I’m sure that she’s better than this guy, and I have a really hard time seeing them as a couple in the future. However, after seeing the picture a week and a half ago my whole world falls apart. I finally realize what’s about to happen. I finally realize that the relationship is over. I don’t think it’s about the fact that she’s seeing another guy - it’s about me figuring out that things are about to change. That she won’t love me. That she won’t be there for me. This is where I got overwhelmed by feelings, and I start to go through the phase she went through immediately after I broke up with her. I panic, I try to explain how much she means to me, how much I love her and that I want her back. Up until a few days ago, for about a week in total, I try getting her back. I was desperate. I really wanted to have her back. I needed her back in order for my life to function. She wouldn’t take me back though. She said that she can’t handle a LDR right now (she just graduated and is about to start a career: she needs to focus on herself) and that I hurt her so much she can’t just rush into things with me again. She says that she will never be able to love someone the way she loves me and that she hopes we will end up together in the future, but right now she can’t get back together with me. Situation today I have accepted that she won’t take me back. I have told her that I need space in order to get over her, so we can try to remain friends. We’re currently in a no-contact period, and I don’t think she will break it. I explicitly asked her to stop sending small texts (“I miss you”, etc), because it just gave me hopes of us getting back together. Up until this day there are absolutely no hard feelings between us though. However, all of this has taught me that I love her more than I previously thought. More than anything. And I know that she loves me. I know I hurt her and treated her badly, and that I really don’t deserve another chance with this girl. But I have to try. I still want her back. I still want it to be us. I’m afraid she’s over me and that the no-contact period will only make things worse. I have to fight for her but I don’t know in what way. I also can’t fully accept that it’s over: I still have hope for us. How can I get her back? If I can’t, how can I get rid of that last hope of us getting back together? Thank you for reading. Comments are greatly appreciated.
ja123 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Firstly, you are young and growing and exploring and so is she. A lot of relationships people have in their early twenties do not end up as long-term. Secondly, just because you feel panicked or fear the future without her doesn't constitute love. It is just fear and dependency. Going NC will help you get over that and learn more about yourself. If after a period of time, you feel deeply that this is love, then reach out to her and be serious about moving the relationship forward. LDR isn't working for either of you, so you'll need to decide who is going to move.
JustC Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 You're being selfish. I doubt that you want her back because you realized you love her. I'm sorry that you're hurting over this but you can't stomp on someones heart and then change your mind and decide that you do love them after all a month later. Maybe do some soul searching and find the real reason you want her back. Loneliness? Not wanting anyone else to "have" her? Those are voids you can fill without messing with a woman who had to deal with an unexpected break up a month ago. 2
ja123 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 you can't stomp on someones heart and then change your mind and decide that you do love them after all a month later. This is very true. The girl has some backbone and self-esteem to stand her ground and not let herself be pulled into drama and get jerked around.
Ordinaryday Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 you can't make someone come back. any contact or begging or pleading or declarations of love will only push her even further away - I speak from experience.
Virgin26 Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 It puzzles me how people are not aware of the consequences of their actions. You took a long time to think about the breakup and you decided to go through with it. You made a conscious decision to let her go and be with someone else. So why are you so upset now? I think that your ego is hurt sine she's dating someone new and is moving on with her life. I would take this opportunity to learn to value a relationship while you have it and not throw away someone you care about. Start no contact to get over her, and don't check her social media for clues on who she's dating. You lost this girl, and that ship has sailed. Block her on Facebook, twitter, Instagram, etc. and keep yourself busy. 1
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