brknhrtd Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Hi loveshack family, I am a long-time member but I have not posted in a while. I would appreciate your input into my current situation and I will try to be as brief as I can, while giving you enough details. I dated this man (he is now 35 I believe, I just turned 32) for 3 years on/off. He never made me his "official" girlfriend (like for everyone - particularly his family to know), due to cultural reasons I believe. 3 times over that 3 year period, we stopped talking because I would find out that he is actually seriously interested in someone else (from his culture). I would end up cutting off communication with him and go no contact. Eventually though, I would hear from him about how much he missed me and thought about me all the time. After the first time, he apologised and admitted to not treating me well. But then it happened twice more. The third time, last year, he got back in contact with me after months of no contact and he seemed to be different. I ended up moving for a job right away though after like a month of reconnecting with him. I ended up telling him I loved him before I moved. (I was and had been deeply in love with him from the beginning). He said it back but I knew he didn't mean it. I told him I didn't believe him and he said "well, that's something you say when you're in a relationship." I was beyond hurt. I moved a couple days later. He wished me a safe flight and then I never heard from him since moving which was a stab in the heart. It was after I moved that I concluded that there was someone else he was seriously interested in the whole time I had reconnected with him. A month after I moved, I sent him a text telling him exactly what I thought of him and calling him out on his treatment of me and women in general. He never responded. This was over 8 months ago. Last week, a few days before my birthday, I got an email from him stating (I've spaced it so this cannot be searched on Google): I f Y o u C a n E v e r F i n d I t I n Y o u r H e a r t T o F o r g i v e M e I J u s t W a n n a S a y I ' m S o r r y . I W a s W r o n g A n d I ' d T a k e I t A l l B a c k I f I C o u l d . N o t h i n g J u s t i f i e s T h e W a y I T r e a t e d Y o u K n o w i n g T h a t Y o u H a d M y B a c k . F r o m T h e B o t t o m O f M y H e a r t I ' m S o r r y . I H o p e Y o u ' r e D o i n g O k a y . I have been fine recently, I don't really think of him - only from time to time. I've been going on casual dates in my new city. Because I have moved on, I have forgiven him. This was probably one of the only men I could actually see myself with and hence why I am still open to seeing what he wants. What do you think the intention is behind this? Is this just his guilty conscience? Or what? I haven't replied as yet. How should I reply - what exactly should I say?
Romaks Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 First of all, and I'm sure you've heard this a lot: take all advice with a grain of salt. With that said, I usually see things like this and I instantly think that this guy is easing his own guilt. Perhaps he has matured since then and legitimately realized he was wrong. This is definitely a possibility. Perhaps he has just had his heart broken in a similar way, and this has led him to see how much he has hurt you. That's actually happened to me fairly recently whilst going through a break up. After my gf broke up with me, I found myself talking to an ex from years ago legitimately because I felt guilty for how I had broken her heart, and it felt good to be able to go back and right a wrong. Perhaps you're hoping for reconciliation, but I would be weary of reasons for this since something surely happened that prompted him to say these things. As for a response, it depends on how you feel. I'd just be appreciative and maybe a little curious. A late apology is better than never getting one at all. 2
ayala Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 We tend to think and hope that the ones we love, or once loved, will change for the better. It gives us comfort to hope for the best and genuinely wish they will change. Maybe they will change, maybe not. The question is: Are you willing to try again? You have to ask yourself what you want from this friendship/relationship you have with him. Do you want a platonic friendship? A rekindled romance? Or do you want him out of your life? Just remember, words mean nothing unless they can back it up with their behavior. You can be dating a smooth-talker that says the sweetest things and treat you like crap. Or you could be dating someone distant and slightly cold but treats you like a princess. Words mean nothing on their own. It's a combination of both words and behavior. Actions speak louder than words. Just be aware and don't trust him just yet. 2
rec88 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Sounds like a sincere message. If you want, there is a way to approach this without setting yourself up to be hurt. My philosophy is if you can respond without expectations, without psyching yourself out, then a simple "thank you ex, apology accepted" may be in order. Possible outcomes? If he is looking to repair a friendship, he will make it known. If he was trying to ease his guilt or forgive himself, this may help him, and that's okay too. If you're fine either way, then his intentions don't make a difference. If not, then maybe take some more time to think. 3
Author brknhrtd Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 Thank you for your responses. I'll be responding in a couple of days, accepting his apology and letting him know that he's forgiven. 1
Author brknhrtd Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you all for your advice and replies. I really appreciate it. I will update you on what ended up happening. I did reply to his e-mail and accepted his apology, telling him that I've moved on and so has he. He replied immediately saying that he did not want to bug me but wished me a happy belated birthday and hoped I was liking my new city/job/friends. I was civil but curt with him. When he found out I was celebrating my birthday that weekend (in a few days) he said he wanted to come for my birthday (it's a 16 hr drive). Anyway, I ended up telling him that it is girls only. After my birthday, he e-mailed me again asking how it was. Then he suggested that we plan another time for him to come visit me and then asked for my phone number. I said I prefer to keep our contact to email for now and he accepted that. After a couple days I e-mailed him, calling him out on why he did not make an effort to contact me after I moved. He gave a bs excuse about his mom (who lives abroad) coming to visit for medical treatment and that he thought some of the things I said in the text I sent him (after not hearing from him) was uncalled for but he understands why I was hurt and he didn't want me to be angry with him and that he missed me and that it's never too late to apologise. I was then very straight with him. I told him that I was not angry and I had forgiven him. But that he has been playing with my emotions all along and that I know he does not care, love or want me. That he must be straight forward - let me go or not. He then replied, "I love you." I was shocked and didn't reply right away. He then sent another message saying that is should be obvious to me that he cannot let me go. That even though it may seem like he was playing with my emotions, he didn't mean to and that he didn't know what he really wanted. He then said, it may be too late now because I've moved, but he wants me to know that I really do mean a lot to him. I only responded to his "I love you" with, "I don't believe you" and he replied saying that he expected me to say that. Then no communication the next day. Then last night I told him he could call me. So, I guess I will be hearing from him soon. The plan really is to listen to what he has to say and not much talking from my end. I don't know if he is serious this time but I will err on the side of caution and take anything he says with a grain of salt. Any thoughts on this new interaction?
BC1980 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Thank you all for your advice and replies. I really appreciate it. I will update you on what ended up happening. I did reply to his e-mail and accepted his apology, telling him that I've moved on and so has he. He replied immediately saying that he did not want to bug me but wished me a happy belated birthday and hoped I was liking my new city/job/friends. I was civil but curt with him. When he found out I was celebrating my birthday that weekend (in a few days) he said he wanted to come for my birthday (it's a 16 hr drive). Anyway, I ended up telling him that it is girls only. After my birthday, he e-mailed me again asking how it was. Then he suggested that we plan another time for him to come visit me and then asked for my phone number. I said I prefer to keep our contact to email for now and he accepted that. After a couple days I e-mailed him, calling him out on why he did not make an effort to contact me after I moved. He gave a bs excuse about his mom (who lives abroad) coming to visit for medical treatment and that he thought some of the things I said in the text I sent him (after not hearing from him) was uncalled for but he understands why I was hurt and he didn't want me to be angry with him and that he missed me and that it's never too late to apologise. I was then very straight with him. I told him that I was not angry and I had forgiven him. But that he has been playing with my emotions all along and that I know he does not care, love or want me. That he must be straight forward - let me go or not. He then replied, "I love you." I was shocked and didn't reply right away. He then sent another message saying that is should be obvious to me that he cannot let me go. That even though it may seem like he was playing with my emotions, he didn't mean to and that he didn't know what he really wanted. He then said, it may be too late now because I've moved, but he wants me to know that I really do mean a lot to him. I only responded to his "I love you" with, "I don't believe you" and he replied saying that he expected me to say that. Then no communication the next day. Then last night I told him he could call me. So, I guess I will be hearing from him soon. The plan really is to listen to what he has to say and not much talking from my end. I don't know if he is serious this time but I will err on the side of caution and take anything he says with a grain of salt. Any thoughts on this new interaction? I think he needs to be more straightforward with you and quickly. It's not up to you to decode his intentions. I've seen too many of these situations on LS where an ex shows up, acts interested, ect., only to bolt in the end and claim "confusion" or wanting to start as friends and see where it leads. When he calls, if he is not clear about wanting a second chance, and I would not engage in anymore communication with him. His history with you is pretty sketchy, so I wouldn't hold out hope that he has changed. 1
Author brknhrtd Posted May 22, 2014 Author Posted May 22, 2014 I think he needs to be more straightforward with you and quickly. It's not up to you to decode his intentions. I completely agree with you BC1980. When he said all these things - I love you, I miss you etc. etc. - my thought was "And so what do you want?" because to me what he has said thus far is just words with no actions and hence no substance. And I'm over the grey, the blurred lines and the obscurity.
STM206 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I know I'm going against the grain here but I think you should hear him out. The fact that he's been adement about talking to you, confessing that he still loves you is much more than a breadcrumb. Tell yourself that this call is the finality of it all, the call that will be your deciding factor on what you think should happen. Be sure to really make him talk, find out what his intentions are and go from there. 1
Leigh 87 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) I know I'm going against the grain here but I think you should hear him out. The fact that he's been adement about talking to you, confessing that he still loves you is much more than a breadcrumb. Tell yourself that this call is the finality of it all, the call that will be your deciding factor on what you think should happen. Be sure to really make him talk, find out what his intentions are and go from there. Haha. my ex claimed to still love me for months after the break up. It means nothing. He didn't love her ENOUGH in the past to be with her and declare her to.bis family and friends. What has suddenly changed ? Do you expect him to suddenly my realise that you are the love of his life? Do ya think he would have dissapeared multiple times on the woman he was madly in love with Edited May 24, 2014 by Leigh 87 1
beach Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Thank you for your responses. I'll be responding in a couple of days, accepting his apology and letting him know that he's forgiven. I don't think there's anything to respond to. He never asked a question or asked you to respond. You haven't seen behavior match his new words - so there's no way to be sure he's changed his behavior. Any communication is likely to open a an of worms - so I vote for not looking backwards. Just ignore him and continue moving forward. Hopefully your picker is choosing men that are less selfish now. 1
HappyLove Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 He's basically back for round 4. You've taken him back EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. It's not like you two grew apart or had differences he's been cheating on you for YEARS. This guy hasn't changed, he doesn't need to you're always available when he's done with the woman he was "seriously interested in". Move on and stop being a glutton for punishment.
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