undercover_overlover Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Ok, so I am new to this forum. I wasn't going to join, but I need to find a positive way to vent anonymously, feel like I am connected with others and get unbiased raw advice/suggestions. So, here it goes.... I was with my ex boyfriend for a little over 2.5 years before he ended it. When we broke up, he gave me different answers each time I asked, but what he made clear to me was the fact that he wanted to be with me, but was unsure of what our future would be. We broke up about 2.5-3 months ago and I still haven't even told any of my friends or family (I've been too embarrassed). Ok, so on to the NC fail... Shortly after we broke up, I decided to try NC for a full month because I wanted to get him back in my life and I wanted to make sure that we would work out for sure this time. During this time he contacted me first on different occasions to see how I was doing and also to tell me how he missed me. Eventually he ended up asking me if he could see me and I allowed him to...that's where the NC ended (I was only about 2 weeks in). We started texting, talking on the phone until early in the morning, and even seeing one another and it felt absolutely great! It was like we were in the beginning of our relationship once more. But of course there was a downer.... After we had been spending so much time I started to feel cheated. He wanted to hang out with me like we did before (we even went out to the movies and to his family member's function), but he still didn't want to commit to me and he still didn't know if he could see a future with me. Of course, I was heart broken all over again and I really felt stupid about this whole situation! I ended up telling him that I can't continue to hurt myself like this anymore and that I would stay out of his way. This happened a few days ago and I have been crying on and off since. I really do love him and I have always known in my heart that we would be together (we both talked about kids and marriage, but now he's just not sure). I guess my question is, what should I do? I don't want to throw our relationship away because I know that I will be settling if I end up with anyone else. Should I just start NC back up and hope for the best or what? I'm full of more questions than I am answers and I just need advice...any advice. P.S. Don't hold back on me lol, I can take whatever advice, criticism, or anything else you have to throw at me. Thanks!
KaliLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 First of all, I'm guilty of EXACTLY the same things you are..so lets not beat ourselves up too much. We didn't fail. We both genuinely thought it was reconciliation. Also, I did it more than once..so you're much less of a failure than I am. Our exes were cushioning the pain from the break up by pretending it never happened..but also knowing that they didn't have to commit. They were basically using us to get over us. Second, you won't be settling for someone else. This guy does not want to be in a relationship with you. You deserve someone who does. He had a perfect opportunity to reconcile with you and he did not take it. There are other men out there who will be so much better for you. I don't believe in 'the one'..many people around here don't either. There's more than one 'one'. You're not the one who threw your relationship away, he is. You gave it your all and that is commendable. You need to come to terms with the fact that it's over now, and you need to give yourself a break. I'm so so sorry that you're hurting. Sending big hugs your way. NC is the best thing to do. You've already told him that you need NC..if he doesn't respect that you need to tell him again that you're not interested in being friends and then block him. 4
Elle1975 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) I know that I will be settling if I end up with anyone else If feels like that, at first, that no one can compare to the one you love. But it's simply not true. With time you'll stop comparing every guy you meet with him. As for your NC, don't break it. If you allow him to contact you whenever he wants, he'll realize that he's not going to lose you no matter what, that you're bluffing, and that he can do pretty much whatever he wants without consequences. Simple has that. While the goal of NC is not to get your ex back, I know it will motivate you to stay in it. I am in NC myself, 4 weeks. I spent my day thinking about him. Darn.. but it is, what it is. I do feel a lot better. Often people say "you ex will NEVER be back", for the most part, they're right. However, when I was younger, after about 4 months of NC, my ex came back. He said he loved me. And I f*cked it up again I was young. Anyway, sorry because I realize that I am making you hope that he'll turn his decision around. From what I have read, he probably won't. When you talk kids and marriage and he replies "he's not sure", it means no. "I'm not sure" "I don't know" etc.. means no. And I know it's hard. To put it simply "it sucks", oh yes, it does. I would really suggest telling your mom, or whoever you feel close to. While they will probably feed you a few platitudes ("plenty of fish in the sea", etc..), remember that they mean well. People just don't really think about what they say. In a nutshell, stay NC, and MEAN IT. Edited May 12, 2014 by Elle1975 3
Author undercover_overlover Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Thank you both for the advice! It is really great to know that someone is willing to reach out and try to help :-). I think you both offered up great advice and it is nice to hear it from people who are unbiased. I am going to get back on this NC and hopefully forget about him. Although I won't lie, a huge part of me hopes that he will realize what he threw away and come back. I think the fact that I know he still cares is what's really upsetting. Oh well, I'll just be working on myself and trying my best to forget him.
Elle1975 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Thank you both for the advice! It is really great to know that someone is willing to reach out and try to help :-). I think you both offered up great advice and it is nice to hear it from people who are unbiased. I am going to get back on this NC and hopefully forget about him. Although I won't lie, a huge part of me hopes that he will realize what he threw away and come back. I think the fact that I know he still cares is what's really upsetting. Oh well, I'll just be working on myself and trying my best to forget him. I still do hope mine will realize that he made a mistake. I was putting clothes away today and I thought "maybe he'll call". Then I remembered that he won't, that it doesn't matter, that thinking that way won't help me meet MY guy. I really feel what you're going through. I know it's hard not to contact him. If he calls you, just calmly say something like "I respect your decision to break up, however unless you want to build a future together, do not contact me again", hang up, and don't look back. Consider the break up permanent, and move on, which is the hard part. 1
cavalier99 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) Sorry about your BU it totally sucks. Anyway..he is gone. Over kaput. I know it sounds harsh but he isnt coming back EVER. The best thing to do is to give up all hope like right now. This is the 1st step. Accept that it is OVER. Then go hard core NC. And i mean hard core. Erase him for your existence. He is dead..OK. Delete everthing and block him. You will then start healing..and it isnt going to be easy. The roller coaster of emotions and temtation to break it or respond awaits you. DONT DO IT. Cling to NC like you very existence depends on it!!! Just stick to NC like a religous fanatic for the next 6 to 8 months. And guess what!! Youl be over it and wondering what all the fuss was about. Youll look back and laugh at how much you had invested in SOMEONE WHO DIDNT APPRECIATE YOU. Life is great. This is just a small blip and a great learning and growth experience. You are super fortunate! Even though it doesnt feel that way right now. The suffering will end. I promise. Good luck. Cav Edited May 13, 2014 by cavalier99 1
flitzanu Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 listen to the others. you shouldn't be thinking that YOU are "throwing the relationship away" because he's already done that. he told you he doesn't want to be with you, and you should take it for being true, and cut him out of your life completely. if he doesn't want you, then don't let him have you. 1
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