Did WS treat AP better in someways? How?

[dichotomy]

So do you think your WS treated AP better in certain ways?

 

For BH's often the answer is better sex (she did xxx with him), but I think I have read numerous other examples.

 

I think I am struggling years later with triggers of anger than I don't get treated as well in some areas as OM/MM was. In fact I get worse in some ways. Yet comparing a long marriage to an affair (affairlyland) is not the same - it is kind of like comparing dating phase to marriage phase. Yet I still trigger over this and it causes issues.

[snappytomcat]

the xow,got more attention,cause they had met playing online card game,so he was always playing this game with her,like for example he would want to go out to dinner,and while I got ready he played this game with her,but we couldn't leave,even after I was ready,until he played the last hand.

I also know they argued,way more then he,and I did he told me this,and so did she

[jm2013]

For me at least I'd say no. I think of him as just somebody who happened to be there in a time in my marriage where my wife finally gave in and allowed another man to come in and fill in gaps where I wasn't emotionally which led to a full blown physical affair.

 

I do not in any way at least in my situation think the the other guy provided my wife better sex. I do however think in some weird way that my wife ultimately chose me in the end and had to verify me over somebody else. I think she was rather confused what she wanted in our marriage and perhaps life. Hell, maybe she still is. I do know however that she's showed a different side that I've never seen before and it appears from the outside at least she's trying her hardest. I'm not 100% of course. There's a long long way to go if we do commit to a reconciliation definitively.

 

I helped create her feelings. I can't sit here and justify the affair, but I know what I did in our marriage sure didn't help prevent it.

 

Also, initially in some areas yes, they were probably building something that's easy in the beginning. I look at it like dating. When I first dated my wife we had plenty to talk about and a get to knowing phase. The captivation was overwhelming. But of course that phase wears off as we all know.

[dichotomy]

the xow,got more attention,cause they had met playing online card game,so he was always playing this game with her,like for example he would want to go out to dinner,and while I got ready he played this game with her,but we couldn't leave,even after I was ready,until he played the last hand.

I also know they argued,way more then he,and I did he told me this,and so did she

 

 

Do you feel the attention she got was - more than you did before or after the affair?. In other words did he step it up (attention) just for her that he has never given you?

[EverySunset]

Hmmmm we'll my STBXH (WS) had lots of APs! So much fun. I'll just focus on the main or longest lasting top two-ish. And no... I didn't know about the scope of it until after Dday 2... The first one was so minimized it almost didn't have impact.

 

He took them on getaways and nice nights out while I stayed home making handmade baby food and driving the oldest to therapy.

 

He sang songs from our playlists to them, making sure one was always their special song. Then played those when our family on the deck, playground, grilling, etc.

 

He took them shopping. If something special for me came up, he would tell me to get something for myself.

 

He said he was stuck on a work trip and left me with our kids and spent holidays w them.

 

Oh h*ll I'm gonna have to come back to this thread, this is a tough list to make

[dichotomy]

A minor example I heard once from BW. She always had issues getting a hold of her husband during the work day - she would call or send a text, and maybe get reply 2 hours later. This was pre-affair when all was well enough. He claimed he was very busy. Yet once he engaged in the affair and dDay happened - the wife found like 300 texts during the work days to his OW. Some how he found the time.

[dichotomy]

Hmmmm we'll my STBXH (WS) had lots of APs! So much fun. I'll just focus on the main or longest lasting top two-ish. And no... I didn't know about the scope of it until after Dday 2... The first one was so minimized it almost didn't have impact.

 

He took them on getaways and nice nights out while I stayed home making handmade baby food and driving the oldest to therapy.

 

He sang songs from our playlists to them, making sure one was always their special song. Then played those when our family on the deck, playground, grilling, etc.

 

He took them shopping. If something special for me came up, he would tell me to get something for myself.

 

He said he was stuck on a work trip and left me with our kids and spent holidays w them.

 

Oh h*ll I'm gonna have to come back to this thread, this is a tough list to make

 

 

I am so sorry, it sounds like its for the best that he will be your ex soon.

[dichotomy]

 

Also, initially in some areas yes, they were probably building something that's easy in the beginning. I look at it like dating. When I first dated my wife we had plenty to talk about and a get to knowing phase. The captivation was overwhelming. But of course that phase wears off as we all know.

 

 

yes you echo a good point that helps me though things. When I compare our marriage sex to their affair sex - I get very angry. When I compare our dating sex to their affair sex - not so much (but some).

[snappytomcat]

Do you feel the attention she got was - more than you did before or after the affair?. In other words did he step it up (attention) just for her that he has never given you?

I feel before the affair,but it was mostly computer stuff,as she lives 2000 miles away,and at the time since I didn't realize he was having an A,and that's why he was on computer a lot,i just thought he was putting way to much time in those stupid card games,cause I knew he was playing online games.

during one of our mc,sessions he told me he truly believes he was more addicted to playing cards,then he was to her,but now looking back,i don't think he actually gave her more attention,he is to lazy for that,i think living a secret life,was weighing hard on him,and I think that's why they argued so much,but even the attention he did give her was way to much,she did give him lots of attention though.

[Red123]

Hmmmm we'll my STBXH (WS) had lots of APs! So much fun. I'll just focus on the main or longest lasting top two-ish. And no... I didn't know about the scope of it until after Dday 2... The first one was so minimized it almost didn't have impact.

 

He took them on getaways and nice nights out while I stayed home making handmade baby food and driving the oldest to therapy.

 

He sang songs from our playlists to them, making sure one was always their special song. Then played those when our family on the deck, playground, grilling, etc.

 

He took them shopping. If something special for me came up, he would tell me to get something for myself.

 

He said he was stuck on a work trip and left me with our kids and spent holidays w them.

 

Oh h*ll I'm gonna have to come back to this thread, this is a tough list to make

I'm so sorry you went/are going through this. He sounds horrible bayou deserve so much more than that. I don't know you but no one deserves that. Sorry I was just so struck by your post. Driving your child to therapy and he spends the holidays with an OW. I wish you so much better for your future.

[TheBladeRunner]

So do you think your WS treated AP better in certain ways?

 

YES! I am sure she did in all ways......heck, she treated her least favorite co-workers better than she treated me.

[Fluttershy]

In the sense that he was cheating on me at the time and not her... Yes. But in the whole picture of our marriage and now. No.

[sweet_pea]

When they're in the affair... Of course they are treating their AP better. It would be rare that the AP isn't getting better treatment compared to the spouse.

[ladydesigner]

During the A the AP got treated better. I do not think she was treated as well as I was when I first met WH, but the way I was treated in the beginning and the way MOW was being treated were very similar.

[RightThere]

So do you think your WS treated AP better in certain ways?

 

For BH's often the answer is better sex (she did xxx with him), but I think I have read numerous other examples.

 

I think I am struggling years later with triggers of anger than I don't get treated as well in some areas as OM/MM was. In fact I get worse in some ways. Yet comparing a long marriage to an affair (affairlyland) is not the same - it is kind of like comparing dating phase to marriage phase. Yet I still trigger over this and it causes issues.

 

I totally get this, but I think I agree with you that it all happens in affairlyland so it doesn't make sense to compare it.

 

My WW was able to do things at the drop of a hat for her OM. Or they were out wine-ing and dining, but that's because real life wasn't a part of their relationship. She could spend great quality time with her OM, but it was because I was at home taking care of our family and real life (laundry, dirty dishes, bills).

 

Now that we're focused on just us, it's much harder and she doesn't treat me the same because there is always real life getting in the way of the time and effort required there.

 

Even the sex part of it I'm coming to terms with. The secrecy and naughtiness of the affair makes the sex so much "hotter." But the reality was the guy was a drunk and often had E.D. If there is one thing I believe from my WW, is that OM did not "measure up." But affairyland made it seem like it was so much better than it was.

 

I guess the only way to limit the triggers is to make sure your expectations are fair and realistic. If you expect to have the same treatment or better in all areas as the affair partner, that probably isn't a realistic expectation. Not because you shouldn't be treated better, but really because that treatment only existed in the alternate universe of affairyland (I love that term by the way).

[notserene]

Certainly she was treated "better" in the sense that he took time away from me and the kids to spend with her.

 

He didn't exactly wine her and dine her though. I think that he took her to a diner a few times.

 

During this time period I received an expensive handbag as a gift. (Guilt at work.) He told me that he gave her a couple of stuffed animals.

[ladydesigner]

Certainly she was treated "better" in the sense that he took time away from me and the kids to spend with her.

 

He didn't exactly wine her and dine her though. I think that he took her to a diner a few times.

 

During this time period I received an expensive handbag as a gift. (Guilt at work.) He told me that he gave her a couple of stuffed animals.

 

That's interesting I got guilt gifts during the A too, expensive handbag and jewelry. MOW maybe got taken to lunch and a few hotel romps that was about it.

[purplesorrow]

I felt that he treated her better in the sense that he gave her the gift of choice. She had the privilege of knowing about me from day one but still chose to get involved. Such a simple luxury but it could have changed everything.

[atreides]

So do you think your WS treated AP better in certain ways?

 

For BH's often the answer is better sex (she did xxx with him), but I think I have read numerous other examples.

 

I think I am struggling years later with triggers of anger than I don't get treated as well in some areas as OM/MM was. In fact I get worse in some ways. Yet comparing a long marriage to an affair (affairlyland) is not the same - it is kind of like comparing dating phase to marriage phase. Yet I still trigger over this and it causes issues.

 

I think it is a given of the AP getting more looked at as an opportunity cost, no doubt about it

 

But....

 

I guess i would ask you this and probably make a poor analogy. If you bought this jacket you really liked, you took it home wore out every chance you got and were happy with your purchase. But just the other day you stop by another shop and find the same jacket for cheaper and it has a coupon for an additional purchase of another item of 20% off?

 

In other words you chose to stay with your WS for your reasons, if i recall you kept most of them to yourself. If what you have now in your M is good for you and makes you happy, why does what the AP had bother you? Or are you not sure of your M at this point?

The way i see it is, if you want something more out of your M, you should peruse it and make it happen by working with your W but I would not make it tic for tac but make something new of it. I think you will driver yourself crazy asking, "did she do this with him and not me?"

[waterwoman]

In most ways, no. He didn't spend money on her, didn''t even get much time with her. But he gave her what I craved desperately at that time, his attention and his concern - I was seriously depressed and had contemplated suicide several times but I didn't feel safe enough with him to tell him how bad it was. I needed him to take the time and effort to notice me and my unhappiness. I didn't get it. She showed him the blades she used to self-harm and he seemed to see them as holy relics.

 

I needed him so badly - to feel cared for and protected. He did the opposite. That still stings. It always will.

[dichotomy]

I think it is a given of the AP getting more looked at as an opportunity cost, no doubt about it

 

But....

 

I guess i would ask you this and probably make a poor analogy. If you bought this jacket you really liked, you took it home wore out every chance you got and were happy with your purchase. But just the other day you stop by another shop and find the same jacket for cheaper and it has a coupon for an additional purchase of another item of 20% off?

 

In other words you chose to stay with your WS for your reasons, if i recall you kept most of them to yourself. If what you have now in your M is good for you and makes you happy, why does what the AP had bother you? Or are you not sure of your M at this point?

The way i see it is, if you want something more out of your M, you should peruse it and make it happen by working with your W but I would not make it tic for tac but make something new of it. I think you will driver yourself crazy asking, "did she do this with him and not me?"

 

 

A better analogy (but not really still accurate) would be I bought a jacket that claimed to be genuine leather and new, but later I found it to be pleather and a multiple return. I keep it because it fits, and I would be cold outside without it, but its not genuine and I still dont know exactly what its made of. But this is not the point of the thread.

 

Your main point though is very valid. We have faced many issues in our marriage, the current issue we have not been able to work out is a declining sex life. We had pretty good sex life earlier dating phases for sure and some perioids during our marriage. Thats what I need to compare too, and what else I would like in our marriage for me. Not what she did for OM's in the bedroom. But affairs complicate things and leave damage - and it is a stuggle for me with triggers. Her OM/MM's made virtually no effort, not even taking her on a date, and she was willing to just show up and give them a hot time. In fact in a few instance she spent money and took them out. It takes so much work these days on my part (and hers too I guess) to make sex happen these days for us....but then as mentioned thats often marriage vs dating vs affairyand.

 

Many a time in therapy I would say - she did XYZ for OM or I suspect maybe she did ABC. Therapist said forget what she did for him - what do you want? or what has been taken away that you want back?.

 

On a lighter and more positive note - It may sound stupid but sometimes I think - well she never washed and folded OM's underwear ....or gave him children. Which is the better analogy for why I stay in the marriage - its a marriage.

[DKT3]

During her affair she was hypersexual with me, I traveled a lot as most know, but it was common that when I was home for a week sex would be twice a day most of the week.

 

I think at the height of her affair she was a happy lady even through she won't admitt it. We were having great sex, and on the side she had OM pouring all his attention on her giving her the validation and emotional support.

 

I alittle different then most men because for some reason the sex didn't bug me as much as her feeling that she could be open with him, share thoughts and feeling and she couldn't or wouldn't with me. Their were things I found out that she loved doing (none sexual) but never asked me to do them with her, but she did them with him.

 

Do I think she was better to him? Yeah I do, she shared intimate details of her life that she felt she had to hide from me. Maybe she didn't trust me I don't know. that's what hurt me the most.

[dichotomy]

During her affair she was hypersexual with me, I traveled a lot as most know, but it was common that when I was home for a week sex would be twice a day most of the week.

 

I think at the height of her affair she was a happy lady even through she won't admitt it. We were having great sex, and on the side she had OM pouring all his attention on her giving her the validation and emotional support.

 

I alittle different then most men because for some reason the sex didn't bug me as much as her feeling that she could be open with him, share thoughts and feeling and she couldn't or wouldn't with me. Their were things I found out that she loved doing (none sexual) but never asked me to do them with her, but she did them with him.

 

Do I think she was better to him? Yeah I do, she shared intimate details of her life that she felt she had to hide from me. Maybe she didn't trust me I don't know. that's what hurt me the most.

 

Interesting on the emotional/intimate part for man, but I get that too. She was way more honest and open with OM then me.

[DKT3]

Interesting on the emotional/intimate part for man, but I get that too. She was way more honest and open with OM then me.

 

As lovin explained it to me, she thought too much about how I would see or judge her if she shared those things with me. I can't honestly see that, but if she trusted me why not. I shared everything with her. Dude this is getting me down.

[dichotomy]

As lovin explained it to me, she thought too much about how I would see or judge her if she shared those things with me. I can't honestly see that, but if she trusted me why not. I shared everything with her. Dude this is getting me down.

 

 

Ding Ding Ding - we have a winner.

 

One of the major reasons behind some (i did not say all or many) women giving blatant sex or blatant honesty to their OM. Because they can be free to expose that side of themselves without being judged. They have to hold back in their good marriages and with their good husband.

 

Yes it does get you down - that giving in ways they dont for BS. Its what bums me out too.