B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 I am deeply in love with my boyfriend of 6 months. We knew almost instantly that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Everything seems so perfect, and we are compatible in every way. There's one problem...the sex is amazing, when it happens, which doesn't seem to be enough for me. Is once a week normal? I feel like there is something wrong with me because I could do it every other day. I am so physically attracted to him, and have a high libido, so I get aroused pretty easily but when I make a move he is almost never interested. I brought it up to him, and now I feel like I've made it worse, because I wonder when he is doing it because he wants to and when he is doing it because he feels obligated. He wants to be able to say "no" if he's not in the mood and not have my feelings be hurt, (which I'm trying very hard to be OK with) but it seems unusual to me that he's just not interested for so many days on end. The part that concerns me is that this low-libido he has is a new thing. He said his sex drive used to be off the charts his whole life and a few months before he met me it seemed to slow down. I can't help but feel insecure about it, even though we've discussed it and he says it's not me. He's very honest and I trust that he's telling the truth, but I wonder if he even knows what is causing it. The kicker is that I know that when we get married and go through all of the ups and downs of a long term relationship that there will undoubtedly be times that I won't want it as much or at all. I don't want to worry about it, but it nags at the back of my mind. What could be going on, if anything? Is there any reason for concern? I offer no-strings oral and he's not interested, but i'm sure "he took care of himself" before he went to bed that night....Is that weird or am I being paranoid? I feel like he'd rather "take care of himself" most of the time. I have even tried to get him to do that with/for me and it seems like he'd rather do it alone, which is understandable at times, but give a girl a break!! Comments?
blind_otter Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 I knew my ex was cheating on me whenever he turned down blow jobs. No red-blooded male turns down a knob slob unless he's gettin' some on the side.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 it seems so strange...but i KNOW he's not cheating...
blind_otter Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Ok, if he's not cheating, then the issue is purely the fact that you are, early on in the relationship, physcially unsatisfied. You have communicated your need to him, he apparently attempts to have sex more frequently but the interactions are mediocre at best? Has he seen a doctor? How old is he?
Pocky Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I knew my ex was cheating on me whenever he turned down blow jobs. No red-blooded male turns down a knob slob unless he's gettin' some on the side. Not necessarily. There could be many reasons why a man is not in the mood for sex. Isn't it time we stopped with the stereotype that men want sex all the time and if not something is wrong? Does he masturbate?
blind_otter Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Not necessarily. There could be many reasons why a man is not in the mood for sex. Isn't it time we stopped with the stereotype that men want sex all the time and if not something is wrong? Well, I should qualify - he started ALWAYS turning down blow jobs. Because I would have smelled p*ssy on him and caught him.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 He's in his early 30's and has not seen a doctor. I'm not sure if it's something that requires a visit to a doctor or if it's just that he doesn't need it as much as I do. But if I'm unsatisfied physically now, does that mean that I won't ever be? Like I said, I'm sure that libidos vary throughout the years. I don't know if he has attempted to do it more. I don't think he has. He has mentioned that he physically "can't" unless he's into it, which, duh...but there are things that can be done to coax these things... t's GREAT when it happens, which is about once a week.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Isn't it time we stopped with the stereotype that men want sex all the time and if not something is wrong? Does he masturbate? He has given me that same response....and yes, I'm not used to being turned down....I've tried to factor all of those things in. Yes, he masturbates. See the last part of my original post.
blind_otter Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 To be honest I think sexual compatibility is very important. You are satisfied with the relationship excepting this one issue, and he is aware that it is an issue but apparently does not seem willing to investigate further in order to make you feel more fulfilled. Personally I would be having a daily bitch fit about this but I am a nasty mean bitch in relationships so that comes with the territory. I get the feeling you are very accepting, easygoing, and don't push him too much.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 I guess I feel like we ARE sexually compatible, when it happens, but I've gotten myself into this situation where now I feel like I can't initiate for fear of him saying no, which is fine once in a while but it feels like every time. I AM very understanding and easygoing, but I don't like conflict and am afraid to always be the one bringing this up. He has no problem with it, thinks everything is peachy. I don't want this to be an issue, but it must be because it keeps coming up and I'm writing about it on here. :/ Then there are times, like today, where I think 'i'm just going to try to not think about sex at all, not try to initiate anything, try to act like it's no big deal, because it shouldn't be' and the last time I did that I got so frustrated that I started crying.
Pocky Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Yes, he masturbates. See the last part of my original post. Thanks. I skip when reading posts. If he's masturbating on a regular basis it's a lot easier for him to just do that to take care of his needs than participate in the twenty-thirty minute session of sex. If sex isn't a huge priority and more of a necessity of life he may just view his masturbation as a quick fix so he can do other things. Ask him to stop masturbating and see how it affects his interest in sex.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Thanks. I skip when reading posts. If he's masturbating on a regular basis it's a lot easier for him to just do that to take care of his needs than participate in the twenty-thirty minute session of sex. If sex isn't a huge priority and more of a necessity of life he may just view his masturbation as a quick fix so he can do other things. Ask him to stop masturbating and see how it affects his interest in sex. I don't think it's fair to ask him to stop masturbating altogether. Plus, if you tell someone they can't do or have something it really just makes them want it more...hence my other problem. How much of this is his disinterest just making me want it more because I feel like I can't have it? It's such a weird situation. I guess I will just have to initiate another discussion about how I'm feeling, although we never seem to find any solution.
blind_otter Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by B52 I guess I feel like we ARE sexually compatible, when it happens, but I've gotten myself into this situation where now I feel like I can't initiate for fear of him saying no, which is fine once in a while but it feels like every time. I AM very understanding and easygoing, but I don't like conflict and am afraid to always be the one bringing this up. He has no problem with it, thinks everything is peachy. I don't want this to be an issue, but it must be because it keeps coming up and I'm writing about it on here. :/ Then there are times, like today, where I think 'i'm just going to try to not think about sex at all, not try to initiate anything, try to act like it's no big deal, because it shouldn't be' and the last time I did that I got so frustrated that I started crying. Not. Cool. I think you can have amazing sex with someone yet not be sexually compatible - I mean to say frequency is part of compatibility. It isn't cool to be afraid to bring a topic up to discuss, sex is something that needs a lot of communication in order to work well, anyways.
FolderWife Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 PORN! Porn porn porn porn porn PORN! I've been saying this a lot lately, and I'm going to say it again: It's selfish of a man to expect you to only have sex with him, when he's not meeting your needs, IF he's masterbating. I mean, can't he meet your needs, and THEN masterbate if he still needs to? If he were sick, or if he has a low libido, then you could maybe accept that your needs aren't being met. But if he's turning you down, then masterbating three hours later, that's SELFISH! Now...do you want to be in a relationship with someone that selfish? You've only invested six months in him. It's time to ask if he's wasting your time.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Not. Cool. I think you can have amazing sex with someone yet not be sexually compatible - I mean to say frequency is part of compatibility. It isn't cool to be afraid to bring a topic up to discuss, sex is something that needs a lot of communication in order to work well, anyways. It's not that I was afraid to bring it up...we are very open. I just thought maybe if I tried to curb my appetite that I would realize that everything was fine and I really got it as much as I needed. But I didn't, and I kinda burst from holding it in. I told him I couldn't do it, and he told me to act on my feelings and NOT hold it in. It's such a catch 22.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by Monday PORN! Porn porn porn porn porn PORN! I've been saying this a lot lately, and I'm going to say it again: It's selfish of a man to expect you to only have sex with him, when he's not meeting your needs, IF he's masterbating. I mean, can't he meet your needs, and THEN masterbate if he still needs to? If he were sick, or if he has a low libido, then you could maybe accept that your needs aren't being met. But if he's turning you down, then masterbating three hours later, that's SELFISH! Now...do you want to be in a relationship with someone that selfish? You've only invested six months in him. It's time to ask if he's wasting your time. THAT'S THE BEST RESPONSE I'VE HEARD ALL DAY
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 I just wonder....is it that simple? Is he just being selfish? I guess it's time for another "talk" about it. So bizarre. OK, so any ideas how/what to say?
FolderWife Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 You're trying to discuss with a grown man asking him to stop doing something that he wants to do. He's in his thirties, right? I feel like when a person is this old, he/she isn't going to change. My advice would be to accept him or move on. But you can try talking to him about it and see how that goes.
Hund1976 Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 If he's masturbating and turning down BJs from you then I see that as a problem. If he just wasn't horny at all that would be one thing, but since he is satisfying himself and not giving you any then there is something going on in his head. Have a long talk with him and see what he says.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by Hund1976 If he's masturbating and turning down BJs from you then I see that as a problem. If he just wasn't horny at all that would be one thing, but since he is satisfying himself and not giving you any then there is something going on in his head. Have a long talk with him and see what he says. I guess it's time for a talk. Like I said, I don't want him to stop masturbating...I feel that looking at porn and masturbating is normal. I'm a visual person too, and like porn on occasion myself. It's just that I don't really know if it's that big of a deal. Most people would be perfectly happy with sex once a week. I'm sure that someday it will be plenty for me. I just wonder if it's even worth making an issue out of it. He already knows that I want it more...we've discussed it...but nothing seems to be changing. I feel like the more I bring it up the less he wants to do it.
Author B52 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by Monday You're trying to discuss with a grown man asking him to stop doing something that he wants to do. He's in his thirties, right? I feel like when a person is this old, he/she isn't going to change. My advice would be to accept him or move on. But you can try talking to him about it and see how that goes. I'm not going to ask him to stop.... I guess I just need to ask him if this is how it's going to be and decide if I can live with it.
Stylin22 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Just a thought but, usually if a guy is masturbating, it's usually about a fantasy or something. Have you asked him about any fetishes that he might have. Being a male, I have had this happen before, and not to scare you or anything, but that's when I kind of knew it wasn't going to work out. Has the sex gotten...well, stale? When I was in love, I wanted it all the time...great sex is usually a result of really great intimacy. My suggestion, bring out a vibrator and you go to town in front of him. That could recharge his manhood a bit...Sometimes, all it takes is for you to back off a bit, guys do like some challenges. OR, do a bit of flirting with a dude in front of him. I dunno, it's odd for sure. A free hummer with no strings?! Um, so my name is Stylin' (for really good reasons) and I'm 27 and single for the moment...if you wish to contact me...LOL
7on Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Hell, if I don't masturbate at least once a day I get really horny until I do. Like gripping desks clenching teeth horny. I usually don't do more than 1, because I live in he dorms and have a roommate whose in the room all the time. But yeah, if I couldn't masturbate I'd probably jump a woman randomly or violate my pillow. Pity I lack a girlfriend, because I'd be an awesome BF.
Author B52 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 Just a thought but, usually if a guy is masturbating, it's usually about a fantasy or something. Have you asked him about any fetishes that he might have. Being a male, I have had this happen before, and not to scare you or anything, but that's when I kind of knew it wasn't going to work out. Has the sex gotten...well, stale? It hasn't had a chance to get stale. Plus, he knows I'm willing to do ANYTHING to spice things up. When I was in love, I wanted it all the time...great sex is usually a result of really great intimacy. We discussed it and it's amazing how intimacy can mean so many different things to different people. Yes, intimacy is what is ultimately lacking. Sometimes, all it takes is for you to back off a bit, guys do like some challenges. We discussed that this might be a part of the issue... and it did kinda work. But, I'm a very open person and I'm not going to hide my feelings or play "hard to get" with someone that I've already discussed my future with. It seems so silly. I dunno, it's odd for sure. I think I finally got him to realize how odd it truly is.... A free hummer with no strings?! Um, so my name is Stylin' (for really good reasons) and I'm 27 and single for the moment...if you wish to contact me...LOL Nice try. I have asked him a MILLION things, and we've talked about it SO MANY TIMES that as of last night I was ready to give up. BUT, we talked about it again and I think he realized that if he doesn't HELP me try to figure this out that I am going to leave, because I'm tired of trying to figure it out on my own. I think we are both very lucky to be able to talk openly about this and try to figure it out together. Keep your fingers crossed!
Author B52 Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 sorry messed up the quote/reply thingy... but you get the point
Recommended Posts