nightmare01 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 arent they a bitch? We had a divide by 5 anniversary over the weekend. For the life of me I dont know why a 35th anniversary should be considered any different than a 34 or 36. WW wanted to make the anniversary a BFD but to me ever since Dday anniversaries are a bad joke and something I just try and get through without thinking about it much. So we went out to a fancy dinner. Me and WW always exchange cards. Which is what we did over dinner. It kinda sucks trying to find a damned card. Hallmark doesnt make cards about a day 35 years ago where we all got dressed up nice. went to a church. then in front of family friends and god she lied to me. I usually try and find a *funny* card and just sign my name to it. I would like to just forget the whole thing. Anniversary of what? A lie? and we CELEBRATE that?? WTH! Am I supposed to be happy on a anniversary? I would like to know exactly WHY I am supposed to be happy? I hate anniversaries. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Does your wife know how you feel about anniversaries? Sounds like a big disconnect on the subject. I told my wife years ago that I can't "celebrate" our anniversary. We tried different alternate ways to acknowledge our original anniversary, but it didn't work for me. So we went a few years without any anniversaries. When I was ready I chose another date. A new starting pointing point for us to celebrate. 3
Author nightmare01 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 WW knows but she chooses to ignore. I think she believes that if she pretends everything is rosy then in time it will become that way.
Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 First, if you were a few years after DDay I would say you need to reevalute your side of things. I don't fully know your story but Inbelieve your only a few weeks or a month after DDay? Your wife's actions are rugsweeping if that is the case. And not sensitive to how you feel. She is in a rush to "get back to normal". And if either a ws or a bs does that it will blow up in your face. Have you printed off the "what every WS needs to know" post at the top and had her read it? Does she show other insensitive signs? Unless your wife planned to cheat or was cheating she didn't lie to you on your wedding day. 35 years is a long time and I imagine she meant those words with all her heart. But she has to realize she broke her word to you and has to work to fix this not just throw a bandaid on it and say "all better". She has to get that. If she does the hard work and you do the hard work you may find yourself enjouing your 40th. But she is jumping the gun teying to celeberate wedding anniversaries right now. If you didn't want to you should have been firmer and not just catered to her wishes.
Author nightmare01 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 13 YEARS since Dday. So Im no newbie. I stayed because I wanted OM to have no contact with my daughters. And I wanted to be around them full time. Divorce allot of time just punishes the BH. We loose allot of contact with our kids. We pay child support that our WW can spend however she wants because theres no accountability that it will be spent on the kids. We pay alimony. We loose more than half of what we worked so hard for. How is that fair? We were the ones that stayed faithful. We didnt break the M vows. She did. So why should she (and OM) be rewarded for their affair? Im just in a bad place today. Sorry. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Since you are still together I am guessing you picked work on your marraige rather than get a divorce. Celebrating this anniversary may have been her way of trying to show you that she's recommitting herself to your marriage. While there is no excuse for cheating, her making a big deal about this may also be her way of saying that she wants to make a big deal out of you as a couple. She's trying to bring the romance back but it doesn't sound like something you want. It makes me wonder if you are really on the same page. 1
Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 13 YEARS since Dday. So Im no newbie. I stayed because I wanted OM to have no contact with my daughters. And I wanted to be around them full time. Divorce allot of time just punishes the BH. We loose allot of contact with our kids. We pay child support that our WW can spend however she wants because theres no accountability that it will be spent on the kids. We pay alimony. We loose more than half of what we worked so hard for. How is that fair? We were the ones that stayed faithful. We didnt break the M vows. She did. So why should she (and OM) be rewarded for their affair? Im just in a bad place today. Sorry. Ah I thought it was 13 days past dday and thought the anniversary date was crazy! Thanks for clearing it up. 13 years is a long time to be in this place. Did you rigsweep the affair? You really need to stop punishing her and yourself over this. Has she changed? Has she been faithful for 13 years? Are you in IC. What do you want out of your life? You have the power to change you if your willing to do the work to do so. And you may find yourself happy. I feel bad for your wife in this. 13 years is a long time to be punished. But like you she chooses to be there. But if she is being a good wife then maybe the ball is in your court now. 4
Author nightmare01 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Since you are still together I am guessing you picked work on your marraige rather than get a divorce. Celebrating this anniversary may have been her way of trying to show you that she's recommitting herself to your marriage. While there is no excuse for cheating, her making a big deal about this may also be her way of saying that she wants to make a big deal out of you as a couple. She's trying to bring the romance back but it doesn't sound like something you want. It makes me wonder if you are really on the same page. Nice positive spin. Thanks for that. Most days when she does things that shows me she cares I get it and I return the feelings/gestures. Anniversaries though. Not so much. I have a hard time celebrating those because it feels like celebrating a lie. After Dday I asked WW to set up a vow renewal ceremony. She said she would. But she never did. I wish she had because then maybe we would have something to celebrate. I think she didnt do the vow renewal because she was afraid people would ask questions and she might have to admit some of what she did. So maybe shame was a part of why she never followed through. 1
2sunny Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You could stop pretending - and start demanding that EVERYTHING about your M changes. It is living a lie when it makes you feel the way you do. No one says you have to participate that way. Change will happen when you start doing things differently. 1
jm2013 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Sorry you're feeling down today. 13 years that have gone by and these feelings appear to be still very strong. For anniversaries I thought the same thing.. It's been 7 months and we've got our 7 year anniversary approaching fast in June. The significance of that day at least to me has been destroyed. I did the same things with my wife. A love card and fancy dinner. I know some people may be able to get over these little things but for me it just makes me think even harder. Anniversaries are meant to be a celebration of your love, commitments and everything in between that is built up year after year in marriage. Once that gets broken how does one still celebrate an old anniversary for old commitments that had been shattered? I know most of this is symbolic and everybody is different on how they handle these types of situations. I know for certain our anniversary day is irrelevant to me anymore. Maybe not to her I'm not sure yet. Though I'm going to divorce my wife on paper I may entertain the idea of being in a relationship which would be a committed one and still be exclusive. I want to 100% terminate what I've got and rebuild from the ground up. And maybe one day if things are well we'll remarry and have a stronger marriage the 2nd go. 1
Clay Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Sure does not sound like you are all that happy. Have you told her how you feel? Are you only staying for the kids ? If you are don't you think they will see how miserable you are over time. They will think this is normal and peruse relationships in there life and use this as a measurement. I would hate to be in your position. Clay 1
2sunny Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Why do you participate in the pretending? And why blame your W for what you are doing? You stayed! You know she loved him for at least 8 years - and shows no remorse. You know what they say - don't complain about being used when you continue volunteering for that role you're playing. An anniversary? If it were me - and I had not divorced - I'd take an expensive trip without my cheating spouse. But first choice would be to divorce the cheater who isn't sorry she cheated. She is only sorry she got caught. Too bad you stay - that's a life of misery and pretending. That sucks! 1
Author nightmare01 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 divorce is a easy word for people to toss around. Before Dday I bet most of us believed that if our spouse cheated that we would divorce them. Reality as it turns out is allot more complicated. As I said before. Why should I reward WW for her affair? She would have come away with most of what I worked for AND our kids. Never mind that one of her *reasons* for her affair was that I worked too much. If that were so then why should she get any of the benefit of what I earned while she was out playing with her OM? Also never mind the frequency which OM (step fathers) sexually abuse little girls. I brought that up to WW once and she said OM would NEVER do that because he was such a decent and good guy. sure. Who would choose to put their daughters at risk AND loose more than half of what they worked for AND have to pay alimony and child support to their WW shacking up with her OM? Does that in any way sound like a good idea to anyone? 2
Clay Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I think its more you fear of the unknown than the reality of the situation. The truth is you can keep the kids. You just have to be the one to file and deal with it. You have to show in court you are the stable parent. Its not default always the mother. Things have changed more and more men are getting custody of there children. I have custody of mine. If your concerned about your hard earned money. Start moving it little by little to a account that is in a family members name. Start selling things you know she wont miss. Make excuses about loaning things out. You don't have to leave in a short period of time so you can make your self prepared. Go to your employer and have your check split between several accounts and tell her you took a pay cut. Make her get out and get a job. Turn this mess around so you can leave with your kids. Your life is just that. Its yours not hers. Make it better for you and your kids. She cheated on you who says you have to be honest with her now. Clay 1
Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I think its more you fear of the unknown than the reality of the situation. The truth is you can keep the kids. You just have to be the one to file and deal with it. You have to show in court you are the stable parent. Its not default always the mother. Things have changed more and more men are getting custody of there children. I have custody of mine. If your concerned about your hard earned money. Start moving it little by little to a account that is in a family members name. Start selling things you know she wont miss. Make excuses about loaning things out. You don't have to leave in a short period of time so you can make your self prepared. Go to your employer and have your check split between several accounts and tell her you took a pay cut. Make her get out and get a job. Turn this mess around so you can leave with your kids. Your life is just that. Its yours not hers. Make it better for you and your kids. She cheated on you who says you have to be honest with her now. Clay What a terrible mindset and even worse advice. It had been 13 years. I think whatever the crime at this stage she shouldn't be punished by greed or having her kids taken away. And that last part is abbhorent. No one has to e honest at anytime. There is alway free will. But if anyone were to follow this advice after 13 yeara they are 100% responsible for their own actions. OP i really hope your a better man than to take this post seriously. 2
harrybrown Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 So how has she made it up to you to let you know that you were not her backup plan? Has she stopped all contact with the OM and helped you expose him in these 13 years? What has she done to show you how really sorry she is? (if she is and has stopped contacting the OM) Does she know where he is?
Clay Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 What a terrible mindset and even worse advice. It had been 13 years. I think whatever the crime at this stage she shouldn't be punished by greed or having her kids taken away. And that last part is abbhorent. No one has to e honest at anytime. There is alway free will. But if anyone were to follow this advice after 13 yeara they are 100% responsible for their own actions. OP i really hope your a better man than to take this post seriously. Fluttershy, Do you have kids? Ever raise them on your own? Ever work a full time job and do it? Daycare is extremely expensive. Its extremely difficult and expensive to do when your on your own so when you say my suggestion is based on greed you should give it some more thought. I did raise my kids on my own. Four of them. Three girls one boy. It was extremely difficult and expensive to do. How is having custody taking away the kids? She could have normal visitation and part of the summer and alternating holidays. Do you really think bringing another man in to her marriage and her children lives was a safe call? No chance of diseases ? No chance of violence? This could have gone so much worse and she is the one that put them all at risk for her gain. How does that really make her a good parent? There is no doubt if he stays what happens now is on him. He has every right to take his kid and fight for them to have a better life. I did it for mine and I do not regret it at all. Just because people can have kids does not mean they will be a good parent. Clay 1
tornapart2002 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Mine hasn't come up yet since our DDay, but I truly am not looking forward to it. I'm so sorry for the pain you are suffering. Mine seems so overwhelming today. Lots of sobbing and questioning and wondering why I am still here... arent they a bitch? We had a divide by 5 anniversary over the weekend. For the life of me I dont know why a 35th anniversary should be considered any different than a 34 or 36. WW wanted to make the anniversary a BFD but to me ever since Dday anniversaries are a bad joke and something I just try and get through without thinking about it much. So we went out to a fancy dinner. Me and WW always exchange cards. Which is what we did over dinner. It kinda sucks trying to find a damned card. Hallmark doesnt make cards about a day 35 years ago where we all got dressed up nice. went to a church. then in front of family friends and god she lied to me. I usually try and find a *funny* card and just sign my name to it. I would like to just forget the whole thing. Anniversary of what? A lie? and we CELEBRATE that?? WTH! Am I supposed to be happy on a anniversary? I would like to know exactly WHY I am supposed to be happy? I hate anniversaries. 1
2sunny Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 divorce is a easy word for people to toss around. Before Dday I bet most of us believed that if our spouse cheated that we would divorce them. Reality as it turns out is allot more complicated. As I said before. Why should I reward WW for her affair? She would have come away with most of what I worked for AND our kids. Never mind that one of her *reasons* for her affair was that I worked too much. If that were so then why should she get any of the benefit of what I earned while she was out playing with her OM? Also never mind the frequency which OM (step fathers) sexually abuse little girls. I brought that up to WW once and she said OM would NEVER do that because he was such a decent and good guy. sure. Who would choose to put their daughters at risk AND loose more than half of what they worked for AND have to pay alimony and child support to their WW shacking up with her OM? Does that in any way sound like a good idea to anyone? You couldn't possibly have young toddlers at home if you've been married 35 years, could you?
2sunny Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 You couldn't possibly have young toddlers at home if you've been married 35 years, could you? I divorced after 23 years together. I'm free from the guy who disrespected and disregarded me = happy now that I decided on a healthy boundary FOR MYSELF!!! Nothing shocked him more than when I ended it. My peace of mind is worth it - my self respect too!!!
2sunny Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 So how has she made it up to you to let you know that you were not her backup plan? Has she stopped all contact with the OM and helped you expose him in these 13 years? What has she done to show you how really sorry she is? (if she is and has stopped contacting the OM) Does she know where he is? He's stated earlier she's not remorseful at all.
revelations Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Nightmare01, I can see were an anniversaries would really suck. Let's celebrate the fact that 35yrs ago you were able to stand up in front of God and everyone and outright lie to me. Hell maybe the reason we don't have a party for our DDay is because you did not inflict the pain you were hoping to. It sounds to me that your pretty unhappy staying with your WW and I can't say that I blame you. I am sure you had good reasons for staying at the time, and hell you even listed them. If you look at my thread you can see that I posted a lot about us BH's getting screwed over in family court. I am actually impressed that you took the stance of robbing her of doing just that, getting rewarded for her cheating. I do think that clay may be on to something for you. Slowly hiding your money and moving it to were she or the courts cannot get to it would be a good move. Remember you can have a gambling problem or just visit strip clubs far too much. Sell or hide valuables and such, however move as much cash out as you can. Chances are if you divorce her she will collect alimony from you for the rest of her life. Some people may say this is wrong, but did you ever think of just leaving and not saying anything? You can use a friend or family member to set up an LLC for you out of state and give you authority to use the LLC's resources. You can buy a car or even a house under the name of the LLC so that it does not easily trace back to you. Once you have that nest egg setup, you can simply set your WW up with a trip to visit her family or just something fun for her. While she is gone pack up the last of your stuff and just leave. She may eventually track you down, however remember that you are finding yourself. You need to be away from her because of the pain that your in. You need to find happiness again and this requires you being apart from her. You do not need to give her a time frame of how long this will take and of course phone numbers can be changed. You may be like me in that you feel you have let yourself down by not protecting yourself better. By just taking a plan of action on being able to remove yourself from her may make you feel better about yourself. Remember she cheated on you, so in my book you do not owe her a thing. If the kids are grown and gone then you do not owe her child support. She is not entitled to alimony or your retirement at all. Hell she was cheating on you because you spent too much time busting your butt to earn that retirement. So to me you do not owe her a damn thing at all. So just by taking the action, even if it is over years to get away from her may make you feel better. Remember that she took the time to betray you, so do not be afraid to take the time to leave her. If your like me, the only thing you would regret is not seeing the look on her face when she returns to discover your gone. Yes I know that may sound like a revenge thing, however it is more about self-preservation. Many people talk about revenge affairs, truthfully to me this would never work. Trouble is that even if my xWW was devastated about me having a revenge affair I would not believe it. Hell their was not a damn thing she could tell me or an emotion that she could feel that I would believe. This is why I never took that path, for me it is just a waste of time. In your case the WW has had 13yrs of you staying with her. She has gotten complacent in that she is sure you will not leave her. By not saying anything and just leaving would be far worse than if you were to have a revenge affair. Please do not get me wrong, I am not advocating revenge or payback on your WW. I am stating that by protecting yourself, it will have a secondary result. However please know that you are okay to think of yourself as an individual and leave your WW out of the equation. After all the minute your W became a WW she has lost the privilege of you being their for her. So just leaving may be your best option, after all what can she do about it? However I would just make it hard for her to track me down. P.O. boxes, an LLC, things like phones, cars, place to stay in the LLC's name. You may be able to go for 5 or 10 years before she is even able to find you. Even when she does, she may have trouble getting that smile off of your face.
Ap22 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I coming up to the 7 month mark since dday. I'm about 5 months away from my wedding anniversary. I dont plan on ever celebrating that day again. Even though things are going well in R, that date just no longer has any meaning to me. 1
beatcuff Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 13 YEARS since Dday... I stayed because I wanted OM to have no contact with my daughters. And I wanted to be around them full time....How is that fair? We were the ones that stayed faithful. We didnt break the M vows. She did. So why should she (and OM) be rewarded for their affair?... OP i think you need to reread this post and your others. it been THIRTEEN years. you admit you stayed not for W or M but your own selfish reasons. AND have continued to punish your W. yes she broke your vows but you did as well. reread your posts and your vows and you will see. its long past due for an IC to sort out your feelings. it time to drop it OR her. after 13 years its unfair to her for this to continue. 1
EverySunset Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 as someone who has been eternally effed over by someone who wouldn't let me go back to school or keep my job ("me and the kids should be your first priority - always") I know what it's like to be uncertain about your financial future. HOWEVER. Speak w an atty before you do anything suggested here. All that shady asset hiding can be revealed during discovery and shows a judge you arent being honest or playing fair. You could lose any upper hand you have right then and there. Take control of your life. Take control of your health. Get out, and get therapy. Stop waiting for anything, or anyone else to do it for you. Life won't change unless you change it. Start TODAY.
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