Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I have been dating a woman for almost a year now. We had been friends for two years prior to that. She was married for 20 years with 3 kids (all whom knew me as well), and when her marriage went south early last year and her husband left, we grew closer and began dating. I initially was against dating so soon after he had left, but knowing that we had been friends first and gotten along very well, and that her husband moved in with another girl as soon as he left, I figured we could spend time together. Her entire family has embraced me. Her boys hug me and thank me for all I do (sometimes I cook for them or help them with homework), and one of them even said that the house is much calmer and happier now. Her sisters, nieces and nephews have welcomed me with open arms, constantly telling me how much happier my girlfriend is now and what an improvement I am over her ex. Unfortunately, her ex and her are in a very bitter divorce battle right now, and he blames me for the deterioration of their marriage (they had been to counseling many times at least 10 years before I even knew them, and tried to make it work). So he is trying whatever he can to make her life hell. She gets upset as a result, and I feel her pain so I'm upset. I know better than to get involved and all I will do is listen to her issues, and she does not put anything on me - constantly reminding me it has nothing to do with me and it is between her and her ex alone. In the last few months, I have been staying with her every day after work, spending every night as well. I have my own place too, which I rarely see. I also have been having some personal & work issues lately which have been overwhelming. Add to this the fact that I went from completely single and enjoying my free time to just about stepfather of 3 status in the blink of an eye, and I am beginning to feel overwhelmed. She always wants me around, which I admit feels nice, and she always does things to show she appreciates me. I can't financially support her, nor does she expect me to, but I try to show her my appreciation by fixing things around the house and things like that. But I miss my place. I miss my hobbies. I want to sleep in my bed some nights, and I feel like I want to cry all the time. I need my time because I just feel overwhelmed and I can't just sit on my balcony and relax - it's either one of the kids yelling or the dog all over me or we have to go to the store or something and I really enjoy spending time with my girl, we can do anything and have fun - I just feel drained. When I bring this up calmly to her, that people need their own space and I won't be spending every single night there for some time because I need my man cave at home, she takes it as I'm going to leave her. She throws the future at me and asks what will I do when we are a family and I'm living there - if I can't handle it now, surely I can't handle it in the future. I calmly try to let her know that all couples need "me" time, and she tells me that she offers it to me when she's busy and tells me to do what I want for that period of time. I tell her I need my time on MY own time, not when her schedule permits. She has no hobbies and can't seem to understand my issue without taking it personally. How can I put this to her?
PegNosePete Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 It seems that you've already explained your point of view and put your issue to her - and she rejects it. So what can you do - "sorry can't come over tonight the boys are coming to mine to watch the game"... "I'm busy washing my canary's hair tonight" - basically you just have to DO it and let the consequences happen. You're not being unreasonable in the slightest by wanting to spend some time apart. If she wants to make a big issue of it and start a fight then there's not really much you can do about it, just remember you've done nothing wrong. You may have raised her expectations a bit too high already by spending so much time together, so it can be awkward to change that! She sounds really clingy - would drive me crazy lol. 3
hasaquestion Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 It seems that you've already explained your point of view and put your issue to her - and she rejects it. So what can you do - "sorry can't come over tonight the boys are coming to mine to watch the game"... "I'm busy washing my canary's hair tonight" - basically you just have to DO it and let the consequences happen. You're not being unreasonable in the slightest by wanting to spend some time apart. If she wants to make a big issue of it and start a fight then there's not really much you can do about it, just remember you've done nothing wrong. You may have raised her expectations a bit too high already by spending so much time together, so it can be awkward to change that! She sounds really clingy - would drive me crazy lol. And the longer you skirt this issue, the harder it will be to do something about it. You have to act now. 2
Author Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) That's the only conclusion I can come to - do it and let the chips fall where they may. I may have "spoiled" her by being around all the time, so to speak. I don't want to leave her and her boys, especially after all of the bonds I've formed. I just need to breathe, that's all. I forgot to mention, I do get Tuesday evenings to visit my folks for about 2 hours, and I go to mass with them Sunday nights. Both nights I go straight to my girlfriend's after. SOME Friday nights I get a few hours with my best friend too - but I'm talking about just ME time. Edited May 12, 2014 by Speedy79
Damaged217 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Ahhhh! I'm in the same boat. I brought the "I need me time" thing up just recently after 6 months with my bf. He didn't take it well either and said the same thing your gf did about the future. He was upset for about a day but I calmly explained that we each need to do our own thing from time to time in order to recharge our batteries. You need to tell your gf that this isn't personal and that you love her and enjoy your time together. But that as much as you enjoy your time with her, you also enjoy time with yourself. Tell her that this is something that you NEED for yourself and she needs to respect that. I told my bf that I just want 1 day a week where I do my own thing. He can still call or text me, but I want the place to myself. I hope your gf is understanding and comes around. She can either respect your need for space or risk losing you when you become entirely overwhelmed and can't deal anymore. 1
Author Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 And how are you feeling now that you are taking your "you" time? I just feel it's so necessary. When I was single and I would do photography and video games for hours a day sometimes and I now am lucky if I have literally one single hour a week to do so, it frustrates me.
Chocolat Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Sounds like introvert/extravert to me. A good book for her (to gain understanding of you) is Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking. A (way) shorter version is this article. I agree with the others that you will just have to "do it," but I also think that, if this woman truly cares about you, she will take the time to understand why you need "me" time and, once she understands, will make sure you get it. 1
Author Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) Thank you for the article, Chocolat! I was raised an introvert and I can do introvert well. I can do extravert very well too (I won't go out of my way to do new things or meet people, but if she wants to then sure, I'll try), and that's what I just tried to explain to her. Her family even said I'm so different from her ex because he would show up and not speak to anyone, where I would ask all sorts of questions and take an interest in them too because they are important to her. But she's got no hobbies, has 3 kids, pets and is on call all the time so she's about rush rush rush, and I love the person she is but I need to take a breather every now and then, which she doesn't really comprehend. So I just explained that, and she said she doesn't like it and will miss me in her bed at night, but if it's for the good of our future, she will learn to be ok with it. I'll miss her too because I'm also used to practically living with her for the last 8 months, but we need time to miss each other. Edited May 12, 2014 by Speedy79 1
ktya Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) OP ... I totally know the feeling. I went from batchelor living with three tenants renting rooms in my house to a girl I started dating coming over to my house every day and wanting to spend the night every night. She had a daughter. At first it was wonderful. Then she moved in. Suddenly I was virtual stepfather to a kid and supporting a stay at home mom who got cut off of funding (she was supposed to be re-enrolling in school the fall she moved in) While it was cute for a while after some months I was desperate for some "me" time. She was seemingly unable to take command and just get some things done, every time dinner came up it seemed like this big emergency where as just a few months ago I would eat when I was hungry. Even just hanging out with one of my roomates chatting drinking beer in the living room she would get jealous, like he was robbing her of her time with me. It got to the point where I would feel bad if I went out on my own. She didnt have a support network for babysitting so if I went out to a bar by myself to hang out and meet some people she would be up wide eyed and paranoid when I got home terrified that I maybe met some girl (which I didn't, I wasnt looking). If I went anywhere by myself she wanted to tag along, but then everything costed three times as much. I contemplated getting some "me" time and going to Mexico for the weekend to get some sun (it rains a lot here during the winter and it was a particularly wet and grey season) and it became such an annoying emotionally charged conversation about how if I wanted to go alone I was going to meet girls and how I should bring her and her daughter. Cost of me going on a weekender to Mexico inclusive of hotel and airfare: $399. Cost of me packing all three of us: $1,200. Bit too expensive for a weekender. I didnt go. Eventually I bought a boat and it was fun with the three of us but during the off season I needed to regularly visit it for maintenance. It sleeps 5 so I would go up for the whole weekend (I still do). I would go every two weeks. I would cherish that "me" time to just be on my own without the woman and kid joined at the hip to me 24/7. It was difficult to leave on Sunday. In many ways, my home did not feel like my home anymore. I had a great awesome stereo that I never got to really use. My living room was occupied with my girlfriend's nest (she was home all the time and didnt work). I was thrust into all of the duties of "dad" financial, time wise, and everything else. Despite that I got into the relationship under the auspices that I love kids and I would be happy to help, I ended up feeling like I was doing the lions share of the work and she was doing the helping. We ended up breaking up for a variety of reasons. She confided that she figured I was sleeping with random girls each time I went to the boat every two weeks, which wasnt happening at all. The intensity of the relationship with her and the feeling at times that there was no real escape and with the daily family life grind and no "me" time at times I had seriously contemplated cheating on her and going on a date just to have fun with a chick and not sit there talking about the kid and school and doll houses and fabrics and sewing... So what am I getting at here? Your new flame sounds a lot like my now ex. If I could have done it all over again I would have put my foot down wayyyy early in the relationship and made her go home and maybe to see her only on weekends. Shes the one with the family so you could go to her house on Friday night and bring pizza for the kids and have pizza night, steam up the room then go do some activities on Saturday with them - then go home Sunday MORNING and kick back for the rest of the day. Work your week and talk to her regularly, daily if you feel like it and retain your guy activities. If you feel like going to Tuesday night wing night alone or with the guys tell her what your doing and say you'll talk to her the next day. While she may not be my ex, you are setting yourself up for a complete and total lack of boundaries if and when the relationship does become seriously committed and headed towards marriage. She needs to be OK with not talking to you or seeing you for a few days. Because if she isnt - there's going to be hell to pay later. Just my two bits from experience. And for the record, despite me teaching the little girl how to read and being her dad for four years in many ways, and that I spoke with her about if we ever broke up I wouldnt let the kid down, and her agreeing that that would be the best way to go - I will probably never see the kid again. Heartbreaking. Edited May 12, 2014 by ktya 1
Author Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Thankfully she is financially well-off and if anything she would support ME in her family activities (I won't allow her to - I will at least pay my own way). But being joined at the hip can be exhausting. I mentioned that no couple, married or otherwise that we know is together all the time, and being apart doesn't mean you don't enjoy someone's company or are cheating, you just need your own release. Now - she's not accusing me of cheating or anything. If anything she's afraid I'll run away because the family life scares me or is too much to handle. I keep trying to assure her that's not the case (as I feel I've proven for the last 8 months) - and I remind her that her own SON jokes with her that I'm never given enough time to play video games, since all I can do is listen to HIS gaming adventures and have none of my own to share. Personally I feel I can have one day of whatever I want to do and be fine. I have a few hours with a friend some Friday nights, I have Tuesday night with my mom and dad, and late afternoons/early evenings with mom and dad at church. I don't feel that's a lot to ask for one full day after work to do my own thing by myself. She has her boys to have fun with, so it's not like she's alone. As far as moving in goes, I explained that will not be happening for at least 2 years and that the divorce isn't even 100% final yet so there is no rush. I'm learning to put my foot down and learning to trust that God will put me where I need to be if I just trust things will be ok.
ktya Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Now - she's not accusing me of cheating or anything. If anything she's afraid I'll run away because the family life scares me or is too much to handle. I keep trying to assure her that's not the case (as I feel I've proven for the last 8 months) Thats how it started with my ex. The accusations of cheating and paranoia happened much later in the relationship.
Damaged217 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 And how are you feeling now that you are taking your "you" time? I just feel it's so necessary. When I was single and I would do photography and video games for hours a day sometimes and I now am lucky if I have literally one single hour a week to do so, it frustrates me. Well this JUST happened a couple of days ago so I haven't taken a day to myself just yet. My boyfriend has agreed to respect my needs though and says he will allow me my space even if he doesn't understand why I need it. "Me" time is essential, I agree. A couple should never do everything together. I think it's healthy to have your own hobbies and hang out with your own friends. You'll have more to bring to the relationship, have more to talk about and you'll get to miss your partner a little and that makes it that much more exciting when you see them again. Why some people can't understand this, I'll never know... 2
Author Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Right?! You both need time and space to grow. You may be together but you are still individuals. I keep trying to remind my girl that I will be playing games, and possibly even online with her son, but either way he and I will have that much more to talk about. And if I take that time to do photography, it will give me the practice necessary to do a successful portrait shoot with her I need to let her know that she will still be on my mind.
bluegreen Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You are not ready for marriage she is not ready for healthy adult relationship so make sure you do not end up in one of those shot gun marriages.
Author Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Not that I'm marrying her any time in the immediate future, but what makes you say I'm not ready for marriage? I thought married people need their "me" time as well? 1
bluegreen Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I may be wrong but assume that you have not been married and have no kids. You did not wanted to date her so soon but "spend some time together" somehow you actually ended up living with her before you are very clearly NOT ready for it. Her ex and drama he causes grate on your nerves and make her well bit nutty but who can blame either one of you so that part is understandable. She has been with someone for 20 years he dumped her and exchanged her for younger prettier model has she attended even one day of therapy have you with her and kids as new S/O? She does not have or understand boundaries no hobbies not able to play and amuse her self not many friends either right ? Plus any time you try to leave chain she tied you up with she goes nuts and howls about FUTURE she is telling you how your life will look and YOU have issue with it "big one" So I can go on and write few pages more about why you are not ready for marriage but I should have phrased it "with her" and congratulations on having good sense to realize that. ps: Once again make sure you don't end up having to do it anyway
Author Speedy79 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Sorry, I wasn't clear enough. She had gone through a marriage counselor, both alone and with the ex for many years (ten or so) before deciding to end it, and decided to wait until the kids were older. It's her house, so he left and moved almost immediately in with another woman (which leads us to believe he already had something going on but I digress). She wasn't abandoned or anything and was simply ready for the end. The boys saw it coming a mile away, one of them told me himself. She does have friends - unfortunately they all live further away. No hobbies, that is correct. Regardless, yes - boundaries need to be set. There is no rush, which is what I tell her.
jphcbpa Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Ahhhh! I'm in the same boat. I brought the "I need me time" thing up just recently after 6 months with my bf. He didn't take it well either and said the same thing your gf did about the future. He was upset for about a day but I calmly explained that we each need to do our own thing from time to time in order to recharge our batteries. You need to tell your gf that this isn't personal and that you love her and enjoy your time together. But that as much as you enjoy your time with her, you also enjoy time with yourself. Tell her that this is something that you NEED for yourself and she needs to respect that. I told my bf that I just want 1 day a week where I do my own thing. He can still call or text me, but I want the place to myself. I hope your gf is understanding and comes around. She can either respect your need for space or risk losing you when you become entirely overwhelmed and can't deal anymore. bravo for communicating this an keeping it in front of you and not people pleasing. seriously i saw my ex 1 to 2 times per week even after 1.5 yrs. people need time alone
Treasa Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Maybe you should show her this thread. You've been very diplomatic and fair about everything. You sound perfectly reasonable, and she sounds like she's just really stressed and doesn't have any other outlet than you. She should work on making female friends. Nothing against men, because they were my friends for most of my life, but a girl needs other girl friends. I didn't get that until my late 30s. She needs a break from you and her kids, too. Hopefully her husband can take them at times to give her a break. Also, don't get too committed while she's still married. I've seen things go really south in situations like this. You're her boyfriend, not his replacement. 2
lollipopspot Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 When I bring this up calmly to her, that people need their own space and I won't be spending every single night there for some time because I need my man cave at home, she takes it as I'm going to leave her. She throws the future at me and asks what will I do when we are a family and I'm living there - if I can't handle it now, surely I can't handle it in the future. I calmly try to let her know that all couples need "me" time, and she tells me that she offers it to me when she's busy and tells me to do what I want for that period of time. I tell her I need my time on MY own time, not when her schedule permits. She has no hobbies and can't seem to understand my issue without taking it personally. How can I put this to her? The issue for her is that she doesn't feel secure and that she feels you're going to leave her. Find out with her if there is another way to get her need to feel secure met, without taking so much of your time. What that would be I don't know - maybe something like a date every week where you go and focus just on each other, and a 5 minute conversation a few nights each week where you specifically check in about this and tell her that you don't want to leave her, even if you are not at her house. She must understand that by trying to get her need met in this specific way, she will probably cause the very thing she fears most - you leaving her.
Emilia Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 When I bring this up calmly to her, that people need their own space and I won't be spending every single night there for some time because I need my man cave at home, she takes it as I'm going to leave her. She throws the future at me and asks what will I do when we are a family and I'm living there - if I can't handle it now, surely I can't handle it in the future. I calmly try to let her know that all couples need "me" time, and she tells me that she offers it to me when she's busy and tells me to do what I want for that period of time. I tell her I need my time on MY own time, not when her schedule permits. She has no hobbies and can't seem to understand my issue without taking it personally. How can I put this to her? Do you know why her marriage went south? Did she come across suffocating ever when you were just friends and you see her with her then husband? Was she quite demanding with him?
Candy_Pants Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Not that I'm marrying her any time in the immediate future, but what makes you say I'm not ready for marriage? I thought married people need their "me" time as well? YUP, many of us married folk do need "me" time. My husband wasn't happy, or understanding, at first. I'm a very social introvert. I say I'm an extrovert but I truly need alone time to decompress. And in 4 months the option for ANY alone time is going to be greatly reduced (we're having our first child). OP take your time to be alone. Don't answer your phone, texts, whatever. If you really need this, not doing it will cause resentments.
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