seeker1984 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'm not currently dating anyone, but I've had people I've been on the first date our a couple dates with ask point blank if i have ever cheated on someone....I'll admit i have with my last serious ex when i knew he was planning to dump me i did have sex with someone else, which i never told him....it was wrong...but when I'm asked that do i need to rehash my post? I've never asked anyone if they have cheated, i don't think ours any of my business. What do you guys think? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I would assume that anybody who asked this Q on a 1st date had been burned & still wasn't over it. Even though I have never cheated, I still wouldn't straight up answer a Q like that so early. I'd probably turn it around & ask if they had been cheated on & is that why they are paranoid. I'd talk about the importance of trust but I'd make it clear that I don't discuss past relationships on a 1st date. 5
MissBee Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'm not currently dating anyone, but I've had people I've been on the first date our a couple dates with ask point blank if i have ever cheated on someone....I'll admit i have with my last serious ex when i knew he was planning to dump me i did have sex with someone else, which i never told him....it was wrong...but when I'm asked that do i need to rehash my post? I've never asked anyone if they have cheated, i don't think ours any of my business. What do you guys think? Before I embark on a relationship with anyone, I want to know something as important as their views on infidelity and past behaviors. I may not ask on a first date but certainly somewhere in the process it is absolutely my business if I'm gonna date you to know what your views are. If you've cheated before and someone doesn't want to date you, it is their right to choose not to. If you've learned from it and they're okay with it, then you can proceed knowing they understand and are dating you with "all the facts." 13
PegNosePete Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 ^ What Donnie said, it's a bad subject to bring up on a 1st date and if someone did, I would have to wonder why they thought that was an appropriate topic. 2
Author seeker1984 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Funny though i had a guy who always talked about cheating and how he despised it....turns out he cheated on every gf he ever had....people are funny 1
ktya Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'm not currently dating anyone, but I've had people I've been on the first date our a couple dates with ask point blank if i have ever cheated on someone....I'll admit i have with my last serious ex when i knew he was planning to dump me i did have sex with someone else, which i never told him....it was wrong...but when I'm asked that do i need to rehash my post? I've never asked anyone if they have cheated, i don't think ours any of my business. What do you guys think? The correct answer to this to a date is "NEVER". There is a saying, "once a cheater always a cheater". While that isnt necessarily the case, it is also not really anyone's business unless it was a Jerry Springer episode causing a marital breakdown and possibly a child with an affair partner that is going to effect your future relationships. 1
Mrin Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 There is nothing wrong with this question and I will often inquire on this topic albeit in a much more subtle way. Past performance is often indicative of future results when it comes to infidelity. On the other hand, it is also important to know if someone has been a victim of infidelity as it often results in sensitivities to which I should be mindful. 1
bluegreen Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I find that question very valid and it would not offend me to get asked. As for me perhaps it would not be question I would ask on date first but it would be something i for sure wanted to know. As for once cheater always cheater perhaps that can't be 100 % proven truth but whats for sure truth is that person who cheated has serious character flaw or simply lacks of it. Cheating is NEVER mistake but ALWAYS a choice does not that tell you enough ? 2
Jethro Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Exactly... once a cheater always a cheater. I hate to say it but the stereotype is true. There are certain people that are capable of that kind of thing and there are those that are not. I don't care what the circumstances are or were, it's a major character flaw to me. You wanna **** someone else? Have the balls to break it off with your SO before hand. It's telling of what a person is capable of. Can't wait to see the poopstorm that befalls me here. 4
Author seeker1984 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 I guess I'll just keep cheating then.....wow such angry people 1
HappyLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I guess I'll just keep cheating then.....wow such angry people Way to prove everyone right!
Haydn Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 if i got asked this. I would leave, knowing that they are paranoid as hell and it would be the tip of the iceberg. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 People's positions on fidelity are important but it's no more a valid 1st date Q then the dreaded how many partners have you had.
Haydn Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Going out with someone is not a job interview. How does that question arise? You buy the drinks, you sit down, you stare into her beautiful hypnotic eyes and adjust your Chelsea cuff links, you lean over to tell how intoxicating she is.....Instead you say. `Have you ever cheated`. Kills the moment really. People's positions on fidelity are important but it's no more a valid 1st date Q then the dreaded how many partners have you had.
Dallers Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I cheated and been cheated on. Been 8 years but still I cheated. Could I do it again? Sure. Do I think I will? Not a chance in hell. People who cheat do not deserve anything but we are no different to people who have made mistakes and need a second chance. To ask this question on a first date takes the tiny amount of trust that you just started to build and smashed it with a hammer. I would run a mile because that shows serious doubt and insecurity. People who have been cheated on are the victims but the person who cheated on you is not the person you are on a first date with, they deserve a clean slate not be given a label because they are the same sex. 3
Andy_K Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'd have no problems being asked this on a first date (in fact I was on my last one), but if I asked and someone got as bent out of shape about it as some of you lot I'd be seeing a lot of red flags! 1
Haydn Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 It seems that we are talking about online dating? Which i would never do. But really does anyone think its a normal question to ask someone? If i chat up a chirpy young chav at the bar. Would one of my questions be, so have you cheated? She would think i was just on day release from the Scrubs.
Haydn Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 So when asked. Your reply? I'd have no problems being asked this on a first date (in fact I was on my last one), but if I asked and someone got as bent out of shape about it as some of you lot I'd be seeing a lot of red flags!
Bruce Leigh Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Question would never bother me as my answer will always be no. I can thank my parents for that one, as they both cheated on each other years ago. I feel that strongly on the subject. 1
Haydn Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 But who would answer. `Yes?` `Have you ever cheated?` `Yeh i am such a cad, so want another sherbet or is that the night bus i see` Combine, humour, religion, football teams and cheating, that could be an interesting 30 minutes. For me a girl who supports West Ham is a big no no. Meh. I wouldn't be super offended if someone asked. Would just seem like someone evaluating compatibility, much like asking small questions about stance on religion, what someone does for free time...then again I can also recognize that religion and infidelity questions could be seen as extremely rude by other people, so I can admit I'm probably a little more laid back about that than I should be. Plus, I have a fair amount of sympathy for people who've been cheated on...why not humor them and alleviate their potential concerns? A lot of people seem to think it speaks of insecurity and mistrust...no shlt Sherlock, people don't magically regain all that trust someone else destroyed the moment they decide to start dating again. It takes time and new experiences, so if you don't want to be that relearning experience for them that's completely fine; but you can't really knock them for starting somewhere. 1
DArtagnan2 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 how do you answer that now? Here's a thought, what about with Honesty? Tell them the truth and why. Be open and allow them to ask you any questions they may have about why. I can think of a gazillion reasons why but to me, the #1 reason would be that you don't want to start off the relationship with a lie. That doesn't usually end in success. Not everyone will bail on someone because they have cheated in the past. I think its more about how you answer the question. Like what you have done since (still cheating or cleaned it up), why did you cheat, are you remorseful, etc. You have to allow the other person to make their own decision on whether they want to see you again or not. Its not fair for them to base that decision on an untruth. Not to mention, based on their response to your answer, you may want to know how they handle such news or situations. It may show you a side you don't care for. Better to know now and not waste time on another date, or months/years later to find out what you can find out now. 1
Haydn Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Seems unnatural to me. Honesty i agree with but on a first date to ask? Which was the original question. Surely just rude. how do you answer that now? Here's a thought, what about with Honesty? Tell them the truth and why. Be open and allow them to ask you any questions they may have about why. I can think of a gazillion reasons why but to me, the #1 reason would be that you don't want to start off the relationship with a lie. That doesn't usually end in success. Not everyone will bail on someone because they have cheated in the past. I think its more about how you answer the question. Like what you have done since (still cheating or cleaned it up), why did you cheat, are you remorseful, etc. You have to allow the other person to make their own decision on whether they want to see you again or not. Its not fair for them to base that decision on an untruth. Not to mention, based on their response to your answer, you may want to know how they handle such news or situations. It may show you a side you don't care for. Better to know now and not waste time on another date, or months/years later to find out what you can find out now.
bluegreen Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 how do you answer that now? Here's a thought, what about with Honesty? Tell them the truth and why. Be open and allow them to ask you any questions they may have about why. I can think of a gazillion reasons why but to me, the #1 reason would be that you don't want to start off the relationship with a lie. That doesn't usually end in success. Not everyone will bail on someone because they have cheated in the past. I think its more about how you answer the question. Like what you have done since (still cheating or cleaned it up), why did you cheat, are you remorseful, etc. You have to allow the other person to make their own decision on whether they want to see you again or not. Its not fair for them to base that decision on an untruth. Not to mention, based on their response to your answer, you may want to know how they handle such news or situations. It may show you a side you don't care for. Better to know now and not waste time on another date, or months/years later to find out what you can find out now. I agree completely
DArtagnan2 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) Seems unnatural to me. Honesty i agree with but on a first date to ask? Which was the original question. Surely just rude. I thought the OP asked what to do and should they rehash their past, no? anyway, there are some pretty "out of the norm" things that get asked and / or happen on first dates. Some people have no filter and are just wanting to check that list off. While I would rather have a more casual first date, without the implications I may be a cheater, I am not surprised by what anyone will say, ask or do on first dates anymore. Edited May 12, 2014 by DArtagnan2
Haydn Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I meant that it was rude to ask. I have never been asked this question. But maybe i have never been on a first date as it is put. I have always met girls in social situations. The question have you ever cheated was never considered by me. But i do see your points. I thought the OP asked what to do and should they rehash their past, no? anyway, there are some pretty "out of the norm" things that get asked and / or happen on first dates. Some people have no filter and are just wanting to check that list off. While I would rather have a more casual first date, without the implications I may be a cheater, I am not surprised by what anyone will say, ask or do on first dates anymore.
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