I was the dumper and I feel like I'm dying

[Jewels7]

Warning: super long. On Friday, I made the hardest decision of my life. I chose to break up with my boyfriend of 3 years (we lived together for 2). I just found the strength, came home from work, ended it. We both cried. It was terrible. I really didn't want to do it, but knew I had to.

 

First off, I take full responsibility for some of the things I did in the relationship that weren't right. I made some mistakes that I regret. I acted childish and immature at times and I wished more than anything I could change that but I can't. However, I left him for several reasons. He could be controlling at times, say hurtful things, mock me, and he said things (violent) about other people that unsettled me. I got pregnant in November (and had a MMC in February). He never really stepped up to do the right thing. He never apologized for anything or even admitted he did wrong. I kept trying to tell him that he was hurting me, and that he was pushing me away and I just wanted him to listen. He would just get mad when I tried to do this. One of the last times I tried to have a conversation with him he said "sometimes I just want to shoot myself in the face." You can't communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate with you. His parents justify the way he talks. Says he has always been that way. He has been left a lot and a lot of people have wronged him. So now I just feel like I'm one of those people who have wronged him.

 

After I left he kept sending me texts about me not loving him enough, about him not being worth enough, etc. and that he loves me, and I didn't give him a chance, and that he wanted to marry me (we bought an engagement ring in September and he never gave it to me). These killed me because I love him so much still even though I broke up with him. When he sent me a text yesterday morning I tried to once again reason with him, told him how much I was hurting (because he kept saying it was easy for me to throw everything away), that I cared for him more than he would ever know, but I flat out told him that he did not step up when I needed him the most. (Oh we actually also went to relationship counseling after my miscarriage in Feb. Didn't work). However when I sent him this text (which was completely civil). He sent me the most hate filled text message anyone has ever sent me. He also got on my FB read all my private messages (I had told my best friend some stuff because I was hurting and a couple of other people who had asked). The text messages starting flying then. He said I stabbed him in the back, I'm worse than his ex wife, I'm "f***ing crazy" how much he hates me and he is better off without me, etc.

 

These are the most hurtful messages I have ever received in my life... and by someone who "loves" me. I know he is hurting, I get that. But it kills me to think he actually thinks these things of me. I still want him back even though I know we couldn't ever go back to each other because it was a toxic relationship. But why do I feel so guilty for ending things, wishing I was still with him, that he would just message me again (he was under my phone plan so he will be getting a new number now. I know that I will never hear from him again and that kills me) etc? How do I get over this? Just because you're the dumper doesn't make it any easier. I'm full of regrets but everyone was like "see!! these are red flags. You did the right thing. You dodged a bullet, etc. etc). If I did the right thing why do I wish I could go back in time and change it? Why do I love him so much?!?! How do I cope with this?!?!

[elseaacych]

If indeed you left an abusive relationship after trying to make it work and trying to communicate with him. If you did everything you could, but knew it wasn't going to work, then you can't be faulted. You were smart enough and strong enough to walk away.

 

Know the following though:

 

-It hurts because you love him. It hurts because he matters to you. That doesn't mean that he was right for you. You were able to see the warning signs and be together enough to walk away.

-Just because you feel bad for leaving doesn't mean you need to go back to the relationship.

-Both dumpers and dumpees are emotionally hurt from the loss of the relationship. It is okay to feel the way you do.

-It will likely hurt for a long time. You can rely on friends and family, and some good therapy to help you through.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this pain. Hopefully, you can take solace in your decision and allow it to help you heal from the loss.

[Itspointless]

Hi Jewels7, reading your story you have lost a lot, I really feel for you. Of-course you want to change everything, but I think we both now that what you want to change is out of your control. With what you went through you showed tremendous strength by ending it. This will definitely hurt for quite some time. I am sure though that life will get better for you, so yes in the end I am sure that you will say that you did the right thing for you. For now I hope you have an inner circle where you can go with all your emotions, you can also always come to here.

[Jewels7]

He started messaging me again today calling me a liar, saying I never loved him, if you love someone you don't run, all I ever do is run. He told me is over me and has nothing left but hate for me. (After yesterday, he just told me he loved me and probably always will). We just blocked his number. His number is now blocked, but of course I fed into it at first. And admitted to the wrong doings I did in the relationship (because I made my own mistakes and wasn't perfect in the relationship). But of course, he said why should he care how he talks to me when I ran like everyone else, and I turned his world upside down.

 

I feel guilty now. Like I'm the bad one. I'm the one who hurt him. I don't think I've ever had someone hate me so much before, and coming from someone I'm still in love with that hurts. I also committed another cardinal sin. After he kept harassing me I messaged his ex wife on FB. I shouldn't have done it but I did. He said some scary things about her, and now I realized that I'm not above his anger. I'm no exception. I feel sick inside.

[Jiivy]

I would echo Elsea's sentiments here. If you truly felt the two of you had ample opportunities to openly discuss and try to work on the problems in your relationship - then leaving is absolutely the right thing to do.

 

I highlight this because I feel many dumpees (I'll count myself as one) felt they weren't given so much as a chance or an explanation for what went wrong - their ex's just upped and left...with that said, know that you don't deserve to be mistreated.

 

if your man never once stepped up to the plate, then kudos to you for making something better for yourself.

[Jewels7]

Thank you for your responses. I felt like I did give him plenty of opportunities and he didn't care. But now that I've broken up with

him I think... Well maybe I should have stayed one more time and given him a chance. And I regret it (even though everyone tells me it was the best thing to do and that it was an abusive situation). I don't know if it was abusive or not... All i know is that two days ago he told me he was already over me and had nothing left but hate. How can he be over me this fast when I'm the one who called it off and feel like I just want to die?!!

[learning_slowly]

I have been a dumpee and a dumper, and if you felt anything for the dumpee, it can be really hard. There were many times I thought I had made a mistake, and almost tried to reconcile.

 

But I think the point is, if we were really meant to be together, we would have made more of an effort when we were together. I used to think it was the circumstances and at another time, we would have made it, which in theory is possible. But I ended it and have to accept any hate they sent me.

 

You've split, do you think it would be any better if you got back together? How would it change?

 

He is angry and saying violent things, but that's usually people who are angry with the world, often due to a lot of bad luck coming their way and not trying to change it.

 

Don't go back to him through pity? Give him a chance to meet somebody that truly loves him.

 

My most recent ex dumped me. If you were her, I would say:

 

1) do what makes you happy. I don't want to be with you if you don't want to be with me.

 

2) if you've made your decision not to be with me, avoid all possible contact so I can start again.

 

3) if I do contact you, let me rant, keep it as short as possible and politely say its best if we don't contact each other for your sake.

 

4) send an anonymous present that would make me feel better, and never acknowledge you sent it.

 

Good luck with whatever you do. Either way it'll be hard.

[FredJones80]

if we were really meant to be together, we would have made more of an effort when we were together.

 

I agree with the part I've bolded. If you had wanted to stay together then you would of worked at it in the relationship and not after dumping. Not "we" because you chose to end it, not the dumpee - unless you had already told the dumpee previously the issues clearly and they hadn't made any effort.

 

However I have to disagree with the first bit I've put in italics. It suggests that there is someone you're meant to be with where in reality there are plenty of people you would be compatible with. It would of read better saying something like "if I had really wanted us to be together"

[learning_slowly]

I agree, by mistake I ended up stating destiny controls us. She believed in fate. Did my head in. More and more things tell me I am best off without her. But like all you, it still does not mean I don't get the pangs of defeatism and loss.

 

Concerning the last girl I dumped. If she had wanted to make it work, she could have moved to be with me, but I also made no effort on that part.

 

Life plays us the cards, but we don't always know the rules until it's too late.

[FredJones80]

I agree, by mistake I ended up stating destiny controls us. She believed in fate. Did my head in.

 

That's a losing hand to start with

 

Anyone who believes that is unlikely to put much effort in.

 

"It should be easy if its destiny"

 

Don't tell jt27

[Jewels7]

I know deep down that he was often unkind to me, sometimes I would flinch when he touched me (because he "rough housed" a lot, and I was starting to lose trust in him due to certain incidents. I did give him opportunity after opportunity. When I tried to communicate with him it would just annoy

him. Now that I've left I can't eat, I've turned into skin and bones. I called out of work today and haven't left my bed... And I'm sure he is doing just fine. That's a hard pill to swallow.

[learning_slowly]

I've also dumped people where you feel like you've been the one dumped.

We did it for a reason ( not sure it was a great reason in my case), and so to go back to them just to make ourselves feel better is only going to hurt both parties more in the long run.

 

As long as you split to benefit both of you, I think you have to be proud of yourself for doing it, rather than letting it linger on for another 3 years or so, and then it happens anyway.

 

Do all the things that are suggested for dumpees to do. You will get over it. Good luck.

[FredJones80]

sometimes I would flinch when he touched me (because he "rough housed" a lot

 

Sadly, this was an unhealthy relationship, no matter what you feel for him if he didn't change his ways then you did the right thing.

 

Women regularly return to abusive partners and some end up dead. Escape while you can and build a better life, you can't change him.

[Jewels7]

I posted some of my story a few days ago. It's been 2 weeks since my breakup and only a few days since NC. I was the dumper, not because I wanted to leave him but I knew it was a toxic relationship. I miss him so much and I just want to go back. He never even acknowledged why I left him, showed no remorse for anything he did to me. I finally blocked his number a few days ago after he sent me a text saying "I can't get over the way things ended, etc. I think I've turned mean. Someone tried to rob me a few days ago and I think I hurt him really bad. I don't know why I'm telling the person who cause all this. I just miss you though. Oh and I'm drinking again. Thanks for that. I think you're the worst thing that ever happened to me." After all the mean things he said to me after our BU I just want to go running back. The thought of him moving on to someone else kills me. I don't think I'll ever get over this. How do I cope?!?

[bluenote]

It is always very dificult, our world was not made in such a manner that whoever you love does not always or never love you back in equal measure. That way you have to keep adjusting and there is only so much rejection you can take no matter how desperately you love someone. The dillema is that you keep searching that same person who is the nemisis of you love and hopes.

 

You have to remember or constantly remind yourself why you left in the first place. Remind yourself why you were forced to take the very dificult decision to leave even though you love him so and would have wanted to stay. It is normal to want to return, its what you know and loved, who doesn't want to roll back into their comfort zone. The problem and question is will anything change if you go back, will you be hapy, will all the problems vanish, think not unless you are very sure it will. Allow yourself to go through the motions, take it as a learning process, it may not make you strong but you are definately better off without the pain he caused you.

[FredJones80]

If I remember correctly he was physically violent.

 

You made the right decision.

[Jewels7]

Yes and no. He wasn't violent in the way someone might beat their spouse, but he did rough house and play with me to the point that I didn't like it and it hurt. Maybe that's why I'm so conflicted. I don't know whether what I went through was verbal or emotional abuse either. Sometimes I wonder if I just made mountains out of molehills, but then again I recognize that I'm going through withdrawals from the person I shared my life with.

[littleplanet]

It's tough when you love someone.

Imagine spending the next 10 years of your life trying to break up for all those reasons.

Often in these situations, our head gives us the correct information - our heart just doesn't want to listen. (which is the power of love....sure.)

 

But he pushed it. You had enough. You quit. Everybody's got a bottom line.

 

Remember - he can't own up to his own side. No fight can ever be fair when it's 0-100.

You may miss the relationship.

You don't miss the toxicity.

 

It's a strange thing....just like road rage. People feel fine turning into monsters on the road because they're safe inside the anonymity of their car.

Sometimes I think they do that on screens too. Because it isn't live in person.

(Though you wouldn't want to experience that kind of venom in person.)

 

But a responsible person still takes accountability for what they do and say. Texts are still words they're speaking.

Think of all the chances you gave him, and all the effort you put in.

And now you feel like you just want to go back in time....

That's totally understandable. I remember feeling that way myself.

But toxic is still that ugly skeleton in the closet.

 

You're not the villain or the hero in this picture. You're just someone doing the right thing.

Remember - there is no law in human nature that says love has to turn into hate.

That does not follow any pattern of healthy human response.

 

Missing the best of what you had......can make you feel weak at a time when you need to be strong.

Unfortunately, no-one can do that for you. You have to do it for yourself.

I wish you luck with that.

[learning_slowly]

Remember also that you can't rewind life.

 

Its done and however you feel now, feelings will have changed on the other side at least, and you have consider how your relationship could ever go back to how it was.

 

If you feel anything for them, it is probably best to find somebody new for both your sakes.

 

I know it is hard. I still get wasted days where I wonder what could of been.

But it is pointless. i let her go and I have to live with that decision.

 

Earn money and do things you enjoy. You'll meet others on the way

[Jewels7]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and respond. I'm glad there are forums like this because you guys really help. I know I'm hurting myself by contacting him. He emailed me yesterday. Told me he just wanted to talk for two minutes. Against my better judgement I called him. He tolde how sorry he was and it was all his fault and I didn't do anything wrong and etc etc. He asked me

If this is what I really wanted. We kept texting until I said something that I heard that made him really mad. He then flipped a switch and starting saying he would bury the person who told me that in his back yard, and I'm trying to get him hurt. He guessed that the person who told me this was one of his exes and he threatened to kill her. Then he was going to drive out to my house and get me to talk to him until I told him who told me. He called 10 times until my da answered my cell phone and he tried to pick a fight with my dad.

 

Maybe I'm finally finally finally realizing how unstable he is. I blocked his number. But then today he sent me an email telling me he is happy with what happened to us and that he had just tried one last time to see if it was finally over because he met someone new already and that "she is everything that I'm not." As crazy as he is... This killed me. I know I should feel bad for the poor girl but it just hurts.

[Jewels7]

I'm beginning to realize that the saying "everyday will

get a little better" isn't true. I left my ex one month and 11 days ago. I feel like the pain is getting worse. I feel like I will never get over him and be able to let go. I miss him so much and feel so dead inside. I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt myself but honestly I feel like dying sometimes. How will this ever get better? I feel so hopeless.

[April Moon]

Hi OP! Please remember you left him for a good reason. The relationship is toxic. The first couple of months is the hardest but in time things will get better. Stick to NC and bettering yourself. I'm sending you the best of wishes!