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How to deal with unavoidable triggers?

jt27

By jt27
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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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How does everyone deal with triggers that cannot be avoided?

Kansas87 Established Member

Kansas87

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It's really hard. I moved to this town for him, took this job to be close to him, and built my life around doing things with him. Triggers are everywhere, you're right- clothes I bought because I thought he'd like them, or bought during a shopping trip together, going to the grocery store like we did together, cooking for one instead of two...they're everywhere.

 

I was doing pretty well last night but today is proving to be incredibly difficult. I'm distracted at work at a time when I can't be distracted. So I cam here to write this out to hopefully give me some relief.

 

But in answer to your question...I don't know. Try to "take back" the things you can by determinedly doing them on your own. Find a recipe that sounds even a little bit appetizing (I am hungry but the thought of food makes me want to be sick, so I get that too) and plan for a special night on your own. Go shopping for your supplies, buy a nice bottle of wine, put on some upbeat music or a non-romantic movie and cook a nice dinner for yourself. Then sit down and eat it, off of a plate.

 

But of course, this is all easier said than done.

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FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

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It's really hard. I moved to this town for him, took this job to be close to him, and built my life around doing things with him. Triggers are everywhere, you're right- clothes I bought because I thought he'd like them, or bought during a shopping trip together, going to the grocery store like we did together, cooking for one instead of two...they're everywhere.

 

I was doing pretty well last night but today is proving to be incredibly difficult. I'm distracted at work at a time when I can't be distracted. So I cam here to write this out to hopefully give me some relief.

 

But in answer to your question...I don't know. Try to "take back" the things you can by determinedly doing them on your own. Find a recipe that sounds even a little bit appetizing (I am hungry but the thought of food makes me want to be sick, so I get that too) and plan for a special night on your own. Go shopping for your supplies, buy a nice bottle of wine, put on some upbeat music or a non-romantic movie and cook a nice dinner for yourself. Then sit down and eat it, off of a plate.

 

But of course, this is all easier said than done.

 

Damn, you sound like me. The problem is, you have to change EVERYTHING, even food can be a reminder, shopping, the products you use.

 

So what, I like the shampoo she used to use, so I bought it for myself, but even that is a reminder!!

 

Its almost impossible to change everything if you've been with someone for a while or lived with them. Like you said, at some point I might have asked her advice on some clothes I bought or she bought me them. You can't erase everything.

 

I fear we're all going to become bitter and selfish in future relationships so this doesn't repeat itself :mad:

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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What do I do with all the gifts and such? Ya know? Do I just get rid of them? Some are really nice. Haha.

 

A lot of history happened during our time together. Big things. She was with me when I got my dog, when I got my house, when my father passed away (that part is really hard knowing my future partnet will never know him). It's so freakin hard.

 

I feel ya on the bitter and selfish part in future relationships. I know I have that feel of being jaded and untrusting, in my heart I know I cannot be that way. Once we are able to be trusting and open maybe that's when we are ready for love again. Being so trusting of her is probably what is causing a lot of my pain. I believe in giving yourself to that person 100% or it just isn't fair or worth it to either of you. I am proud that I gave myself to her so completely. No regret there.

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this2shallpass Member

this2shallpass

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Ugh..i relate to alll of this soo much. So many memories and things you gone through together. And not having that person there every day, if not see him every day, in contact and talk every day. You shared your most personal feelings and thoughts..i too gave my all to this person. Who so coldly broke up with me in the most horrible way. Everything is soo damn hard..to get through the day right now.

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Kansas87 Established Member

Kansas87

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What do I do with all the gifts and such? Ya know? Do I just get rid of them? Some are really nice. Haha.

....

Being so trusting of her is probably what is causing a lot of my pain. I believe in giving yourself to that person 100% or it just isn't fair or worth it to either of you. I am proud that I gave myself to her so completely. No regret there.

 

I had that problem too. I was going to leave everything with him when I moved out, but he specifically (and nicely) asked me to keep them. He said they were gifts, I want you to have them. So I still do. Those things don't bother me. The little things, the experiences, are much harder for me. Like FredJones said, things like using the shampoo he used, or the brand of chips he liked best...just little things. Going places we used to go together and thinking, "I'll never be able to just spend a day hanging out with him again." Those are what get me.

 

If the gifts are that bad, maybe box them up in the back of a closet for a while? Or you could "regift" them to a friend, temporarily if not permanently.

 

This is not the first time I've had my heart broken, so I know I will be able to trust again someday. I think I'm just naturally a very open person, which helps. But I would say to try to remember, in the future: Don't hold yourself prisoner in the past. Remember that your ex is NOT every woman in the world, not even a large percentage. She is ONE person out of billions. Being able to trust is a GOOD thing. Yes, you may occasionally trust the wrong person, but that is a LOT better than never trusting anyone and remaining closed off to so much of life.

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FortunateSon Established Member

FortunateSon

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Great topic. I am almost a year post break up and still have things that trigger thoughts. In the last month or so I have really started to feel over her, but somethings trigger thoughts about a future that could have been and we wanted. The thoughts are mostly related to travel: places we've been together or planned to go. I sometimes worry I will never enjoy these places as much again with anyone else or think that going back to these places will be tarnished because of our history there. We really enjoyed traveling together. These places and thoughts of them are a trigger for me. I do not long for the past or even the present, it's the thought of things missed in the future that hurts the most now. What does this mean and what's the best way to address this?

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Kansas87 Established Member

Kansas87

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I sometimes worry I will never enjoy these places as much again with anyone else or think that going back to these places will be tarnished because of our history there. We really enjoyed traveling together. These places and thoughts of them are a trigger for me. I do not long for the past or even the present, it's the thought of things missed in the future that hurts the most now. What does this mean and what's the best way to address this?

 

I think this might actually be a good sign. Maybe you are now missing the future you saw with her more than the person herself? I honestly think the best think for you to do would be to GO to one of these places that you planned to visit with her. Go with a friend, family member, or just by yourself. Take it back and make it YOURS instead of "ours."

 

Remember, all the things you saw in the future with her can still be had, only now you are free to find someone better-suited to share them with you. I know, I know..."It's not the same" (I'm at the top of the emotional roller-coaster right now, if you can't tell- if you want straight commiseration I'm sure I'll be back down later!). But the sooner you start to do those things and achieve them on your OWN, the sooner you will be able to move toward that future on your own.

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FortunateSon Established Member

FortunateSon

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I think this might actually be a good sign. Maybe you are now missing the future you saw with her more than the person herself? I honestly think the best think for you to do would be to GO to one of these places that you planned to visit with her. Go with a friend, family member, or just by yourself. Take it back and make it YOURS instead of "ours."

 

Remember, all the things you saw in the future with her can still be had, only now you are free to find someone better-suited to share them with you. I know, I know..."It's not the same" (I'm at the top of the emotional roller-coaster right now, if you can't tell- if you want straight commiseration I'm sure I'll be back down later!). But the sooner you start to do those things and achieve them on your OWN, the sooner you will be able to move toward that future on your own.

You make a great point Kansas, I think I miss the idea of these things with her much more than I actually miss her. I miss having someone to travel and go places with. I traveled somewhere a couple months ago with my son to a place I had initially been with her. While there were times I was wistful and thought about how we could have enjoyed being out there together, I ended up having a GREAT time with my son. I am also certain that falling in love with the right person would help make visiting these places really enjoyable again...I just wish it would happen sooner than later!!

 

I have to believe, like a lot of things involving a break up, some of the best remedies for these triggers are time and no contact. I hope in due time these things are no longer triggers, but things I enjoy in life without a dark cloud of sadness hanging over them.

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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Kansas, thanks. I am going to keep the gifts as I would want her to keep the ones I gave her. Right now though, I am putting them away so I am not reminded of her. I miss her so much that it would only make things worse.

 

Son, I can relate on visiting places that we've been together. Even the mention of somewhere we've been together, especially the first time there for either of us, makes me cringe with sadness. I think to myself "I can never go back there again, it would be way too hard". I know it's probably the emotional roller-coaster I am on but it's gut wrenching.

 

I also miss the future I would have had visiting places with her. I am not quite sold on the visiting places with someone. Maybe in time, I will change my mind. Right now, it's not being able to share those moments with her romantically. Maybe that will change when I meet someone else too.

 

Ugh, I miss her so much.

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FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

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Kansas, thanks. I am going to keep the gifts as I would want her to keep the ones I gave her. Right now though, I am putting them away so I am not reminded of her. I miss her so much that it would only make things worse.

 

Son, I can relate on visiting places that we've been together. Even the mention of somewhere we've been together, especially the first time there for either of us, makes me cringe with sadness. I think to myself "I can never go back there again, it would be way too hard". I know it's probably the emotional roller-coaster I am on but it's gut wrenching.

 

I also miss the future I would have had visiting places with her. I am not quite sold on the visiting places with someone. Maybe in time, I will change my mind. Right now, it's not being able to share those moments with her romantically. Maybe that will change when I meet someone else too.

 

Ugh, I miss her so much.

 

Try keep your chin up jt27 - I feel word for word the same as you.

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learning_slowly Established Member

learning_slowly

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But remember all those things were a part of you too. For instance if you moved to a new town, it's now your town. You have to take power in what you are. You moved because you had the strength to move.

 

When you go to a restaurant that you both went to, they are missing out, you're the one enjoying the food. If they introduced you to the place, then it's part of the exchange of life. I'm sure you improved theirs too.

 

One of my friends was explaining how he takes the girls he dates to a romantic spot. So he looked upon the place as his, no matter who the date was.

L1ght Established Member

L1ght

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Willpower. Plain and simple. When something gets "triggered" you simply say No! and move on with your day. It is a choice. Choose to wallow in sadness or choose to forget.

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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Thanks L1ght. You make it sound so simple. Eventually I will be at that point. Right now I am just flat out not strong enough.

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Mary Oak Established Member

Mary Oak

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We were together for almost seven years, bought a house together, she helped me tend to my dying father, and was my mom's second daughter. I still live in the house. THese triggers will never go away. I also work with her, have to email her about work, and actually just had to walk by her office. These triggers will not go away.

 

It has to be in the way you react to the triggers. WHen I just walked by, I smiled. Admittly, it took every ounce of me to do that. THen I got to my office, and cried. SUre, I know I should have handled it better, but I do my best each day. I am really trying.

 

But, I can only hope that one day these triggers will only be a mere nudge, instead of a punch in the stomach (EVERYTIME!) Like since I have been writing this, I got a work email from her. ANd I tear up seeing her name. Pathetic, I know.

 

BUt, for this moment, I am going on a run. After that I will deal the only way I know how... just keep on keeping on.

 

I wish you all the best, and hope for a much quicker recovery for you. It has been almost two years for me. I am sure not being able to go completely NC has dragged this on.

 

Good luck to all.

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L1ght Established Member

L1ght

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Thanks L1ght. You make it sound so simple. Eventually I will be at that point. Right now I am just flat out not strong enough.

Yep. One day we all become strong enough. Its that letting go part isn't it? Trust me, one day you will wake up and you will have just had enough of caring about someone who doesn't give a crap about you. Focus on that day....because its coming.

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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Its that letting go part isn't it?

 

You're exactly right. That is by far the hardest part. God, I hope someday I will.

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