Summerrose2013 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) OK, so a lot of people on here would like to get back with their ex, but has anyone every actually acheived it? A lot of people seem to have managed to extract an 'I'm sorry' or 'I miss you' or other such crumbs, but has anyone actually gotten back together? If you did, how did that happen, and is it still working? I've been looking at a lot of stuff about break ups and even taken advice from a relationship coach - and it's all good stuff, I wish I'd known it before I went through my break up. I'm really getting my life back on track. Next time I have a break up, I plan to have a much better life of my own to fall back on. I'm not planning to try and re-kindle my old romance, (although I wanted to in the beginning) but I did manage to make him stand up and take note of me, plus I regained my self respect, and got him to apologise for the way he handled things, say he missed everything about me (including listed a few things that are so great about me-like I need HIM to tell me that, new woman that I am) and shocked the hell out of him by how much new and cool stuff I'm doing in the weeks since we broke up (when he thought I should be sitting around weeping for him - Obviously that did go on, but I will never tell him that .) I thought it might be nice to share tips on this, plus how to regain your dignity after a break up during which you have acted needy. I broke NC after a few weeks, when I was calm enough to communicate with him, BUT it was to tell him that: a) Having had some time, I now realised that he was completely right, the relationship would never have worked, and I now see all the places where I went wrong, as well as the things he did (which I had listed for him during the messy part of the break up.) I apologised for making him angry at me (I knew this would wind him up and provoke a response because he is the calmest person I know, even after I was very rude to him) and I apologise for hurting him with the things I had said (ditto previous comment.) I turned everything on it's head to make it sound like I was the one who had been bad to HIM. I knew this would totally confuse him!! Part of the reason we feel bad after a breakup is simply the rejection. I wanted him to feel rejected too, see how he liked it. Make him think it was mutual. b) To let him know all the fun stuff I'm doing - started off with a very light hearted, short email, where I sent him an article I had come across over a mutual interest we had shared. And I casually dropped in that I had bought a new motorbike, and a couple of other new things I've started doing (this was over a couple of short email exchanges.) He was gob smacked, fair to say. Result - he knows I've got my pride back, and I've gone from a simpering wreck to a confident, busy woman who no longer needs him. Once that message was clear, I settled back down into NC. Let that sink in for a while. I have given him the gift of time, to allow him to miss me. I read that it takes the dumper around 4-8 weeks if they are going to start missing you. Funny thing is, I'm actually really enjoying all the new things I'm doing - this doesn't happen overnight, and I've realised that actually I obsessed over him, made him my hobby, to compensate for other gaps in my life. Once I deal with them, I'll look for another bf. BUT it made me feel GOOD and if I wanted to look at getting back with him, (I don't...really....well maybe a tiny bit of me...you guys know how it is.....)there sure is a much better chance now than there was before. I must add that me ex is not a bad person, just VERY messed up from his divorce. BUT he did dump me by ignoring me and then a text message, so I've not got rose tinted specs on here! No matter how bad he was feeling, he didn't need to pass that forward to me! Edited May 12, 2014 by Summerrose2013
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He brole up with me. I was devestated. I gave him the weekend to calm down then I reached out & asked why he dumped me. He told me & offered to work on some of the things that bothered him. It lasted less than 1 month because for me the trust was gone. I was on edge the whole time & kept wondering when the next pain would come. I finally called it quits. On a happier note, my college roommate had been with her BF since 7th grade. Thet attended college on opposite sides of the country -- Pennsylvania & Montana. They broke up during our Senior year because he wanted to see what else was out there. She was heartbroken but they still talked once in a while & had to see each other at holidays when they were both home from school. They grew up as neighbors & the families were friends. About 2 years after college they got back together & have been married for almost 25 years. 3
Brutus Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I have the impression that reconciliation usually happens if the dumper was the guy. Girls are (for a number of reasons which I have in mind but will not mention) way less likely to come back and apologise. 3
KaliLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 My ex and I were on and off for 2 and a half years after we officially broke up..so I guess you could say I got him back a bunch of times. But none of the problems that existed when he dumped me the first time had changed (in his case, he is a freaking nutball and he refuses to acknowledge his insanity). They usually don't unless both parties are actively working on it. True and lasting reconciliations are very rare. They usually happen when the reasons for the break up were more circumstantial than emotional. 1
FredJones80 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) OK, so a lot of people on here would like to get back with their ex, but has anyone every actually acheived it? I actually think it is entirely possible but I don't think there is some magic formula. I think it depends on so many factors which mainly are the two people involved that it would be pretty much impossible to hazard a guess as to how it was possible. In my own case I just don't see it happening, I would love to have the chance but I know deep down it won't. However that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Lets be honest, if you got back with your ex would you come running back to LS to update us? I know I wouldn't, the purpose was served. If it then ended again, some may come back here but others might not to save face. You're probably better off looking at real world examples, people you physically know. I've seen a few couples break up, some many times and get back together, even go on (up to now) to still be together, but again it all depends on the people, the reason for the break up, time together, blah blah, SO many factors. If you broke up after the honeymoon period it's probably because you aren't compatible and that is pretty much irreversible. Other types would need both parties to first be willing and second to actually rectify the issues that created the break up. If it happens, it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't. Edited May 12, 2014 by FredJones80
Strength in Healing Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Both my first gf and my recent fiance and me broke up a few times and got back together. The point is, it doesn't work out. Your chemistry with the person you broke up with just isn't strong enough, or it causes bad chemical reactions, so to speak. It wasn't strong enough to make it last... or it was toxic. It's that simple. You can get back together, but time will cause the breakup to occur again.
PhillyConnection23 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Getting back together happens all the time but forums like this probably aren't the best place to read about them. A lot of people on here are incredibly hurt, sometimes bitter but are generally in a self-preservation mindset. I'm not saying its a wrong approach or anything, it just isn't conducive to the stories you are looking to hear. An example? Prince William and Kate Middleton broke up for a few months before getting back together. Friends of my family broke up for 4 months before getting back together and having kids. For this to happen the advice is pretty much the same. Leave them alone, focus on yourself. Meet other people and live your life. If after a while you still feel that it is worth it to rekindle a relationship, reach out and see if they want to meet. Don't jump back into the failed relationship--that is dead. Date the other person and see if they are still someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. 1
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Like a fool, I took the "I'm sorry" bait from my ex. We chatted back and forth a few times but now she is back to ignoring me. Basically the same ole same ole. I'm better off anyways.
BC1980 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I just don't see it happening for me. I don't trust the guy anymore, and I would always question the motives. He was way too good at pretending.
FredJones80 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Getting back together happens all the time but forums like this probably aren't the best place to read about them. A lot of people on here are incredibly hurt, sometimes bitter but are generally in a self-preservation mindset. I'm not saying its a wrong approach or anything, it just isn't conducive to the stories you are looking to hear. An example? Prince William and Kate Middleton broke up for a few months before getting back together. Friends of my family broke up for 4 months before getting back together and having kids. For this to happen the advice is pretty much the same. Leave them alone, focus on yourself. Meet other people and live your life. If after a while you still feel that it is worth it to rekindle a relationship, reach out and see if they want to meet. Don't jump back into the failed relationship--that is dead. Date the other person and see if they are still someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Definitely good advice, if anything is possible it isn't the relationship you left, you have to grow as people, change the things that caused the break. Its funny, a lot of people ask if people ever get back together with their ex then fail to see how many examples there are right in front of us. Daily I read "he left me and went back to his ex" - yet because most of us are in the state of loss and being dumped all we read is "he left me and" If you want examples of ex's getting back together, just read most break up stories in more detail... Here is an example from this very day :- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/476661-4-months#post5695996 2
Strength in Healing Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Oh, I have no doubt people get back together with their exes. What I doubt is the probability that it will work out in time. 3
STM206 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Definitely good advice, if anything is possible it isn't the relationship you left, you have to grow as people, change the things that caused the break. Its funny, a lot of people ask if people ever get back together with their ex then fail to see how many examples there are right in front of us. Daily I read "he left me and went back to his ex" - yet because most of us are in the state of loss and being dumped all we read is "he left me and" If you want examples of ex's getting back together, just read most break up stories in more detail... Here is an example from this very day :- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/476661-4-months#post5695996 Lol you suck for using me as an example.
FredJones80 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Lol you suck for using me as an example. Ha, sorry, I felt bad for that, but it was the closest thing to hand
organizedchaos Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Definitely good advice, if anything is possible it isn't the relationship you left, you have to grow as people, change the things that caused the break. Its funny, a lot of people ask if people ever get back together with their ex then fail to see how many examples there are right in front of us. Daily I read "he left me and went back to his ex" - yet because most of us are in the state of loss and being dumped all we read is "he left me and" If you want examples of ex's getting back together, just read most break up stories in more detail... Here is an example from this very day :- http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/476661-4-months#post5695996 Exactly, I posted about that as well. There are so many break up stories here about being dumped b/c the dumper went back to their ex. So yeah, reconciliation happens. 1
STM206 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Ha, sorry, I felt bad for that, but it was the closest thing to hand Lol no worries. Although we both know it's a rebound. SAY IT, it's a rebound. 2
FredJones80 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Lol no worries. Although we both know it's a rebound. SAY IT, it's a rebound. Maybe he's like a boomerang
Virgin26 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 It happens, but in my experience, a reconciliation can only be successful if both parties spend a substantial amount of time apart and work on their issues separately. I have witnessed many people who reconnected after years, and I have also witnessed many couples who got back after a few days/weeks just to breakup soon after. Either way, you need to go no contact to heal and be able to asses the situation with a less emotional mindset. You need time to build your self-esteem and confidence and be able to attract a suitable partner again.
Author Summerrose2013 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 In my case I need to wait about six years for his kids to grow up and start dating so he sees what an idiot he was to let them dictate his life! Problem is that I've learned so much since our break up that I really don't think I'll still be on my own then (-: 1
lovesfool Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I may be wrong, but I'm guessing you are not going to find happy reconciliation stories on these forums (even though I do believe they do exist in the real world). People are usually here looking for answers - why their relationship broke down, how to get back with their ex. But if someone did get back with their ex, it is unlikely they will be sharing their story here because they are out there enjoying their rekindled love life, only returning to these forums when things turn sour. Maybe that's just the cynic in me talking!
FortunateSon Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 When you think about it, it can be hard enough to make a relationship work and go the distance the first time around, even without the further obstacles of a previous BU, you real need a perfect storm of timing, emotion, circumstance, acceptance, and change on BOTH people's account to make a reconciliation work...hence the rarity of them truly working long term.
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