Arieswoman Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Short answer to the OP - none. On DD I took of my wedding ring and threw it at my WS. He told me later he kept it for months "hoping I would ask for it back". I failed to see the logic in this as he refused to stop his affair, so that shows how confused he was. After he left I sold my engagement ring to pay some bills. We divorced and I didn't know what he did with my wedding ring eventually. In a way I regret letting him have it, as I could have sold it as well.
Author DKT3 Posted May 17, 2014 Author Posted May 17, 2014 I kind of understand what you mean here - at least I think I do. One thing you might consider is that her choice was not as simple as Cheating vs. Divorce. There was also the option of telling you how unhappy she was and demanding a change in the relationship. Even an "or else" would have given you a choice in how you wanted your life to proceed. That said, I think if I had been a bad husband (as you describe yourself) acceptance and even forgiveness of her cheating would have been much more likely. It shows maturity to have the insight you have developed to look at all sides of such a horrible situation and put yourself in her shoes. Of course you wish she wouldn't have cheated but you are putting the whole situation into perspective and making rational decisions based on the facts at the time. I would have advised you to divorce her and never look back when all this occurred because - lets face it - you've put a ton of emotional energy into this for six years and you are just now getting to a place where R looks like it could really happen. That's a lot of time and a lot of work and it was also a huge gamble. What if after all of the blood, sweat, and tears you have invested you finally discovered that you simply could not live with a cheater? Now it might look like a good investment, but that's hindsight. Its such a risky proposition when faced with the choice in the early stages after d-day I couldn't advise anyone to take a leap of faith and hope that time will heal the wound. You seem to be recovering well and I wish you the best. Dday (real one) was after I filed. Then I wanted nothing to do with her. It was when I started to notice change that I begun to think, Maybe. In fairness, she did speak to me about her issues many times well before her affair. I was focused on what I thought was best for her, and not what she was telling me was best for her. On a SHOCK the world side note. Lovin has been down physically for a couple weeks, late and grumpy. Low and behold positive on three home pregnancy test yesterday. Finding out for sure Tuesday. Time to touch up the tattoo DKT__?4 I'm excited, but this is a game changer. Man 41 by the time baby is here. Makes the whole ring thing seem so unimportant. 1
whatatangledweb Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Dday (real one) was after I filed. Then I wanted nothing to do with her. It was when I started to notice change that I begun to think, Maybe. In fairness, she did speak to me about her issues many times well before her affair. I was focused on what I thought was best for her, and not what she was telling me was best for her. On a SHOCK the world side note. Lovin has been down physically for a couple weeks, late and grumpy. Low and behold positive on three home pregnancy test yesterday. Finding out for sure Tuesday. Time to touch up the tattoo DKT__?4 I'm excited, but this is a game changer. Man 41 by the time baby is here. Makes the whole ring thing seem so unimportant. Congrats ! 41 is still young I think for Loving , she didn't value what the ring stood for enough back then. Now she values it more than anything. My husband is the same way. I wanted our rings replaced at first. Then I realized that our rings have dents and scratches yet they had held strong for 20 years (at the time of affair). Our marriage could also hold strong even with the damage from his affair. That is what they mean to me. We kept our same rings. 1
beach Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Dday (real one) was after I filed. Then I wanted nothing to do with her. It was when I started to notice change that I begun to think, Maybe. In fairness, she did speak to me about her issues many times well before her affair. I was focused on what I thought was best for her, and not what she was telling me was best for her. On a SHOCK the world side note. Lovin has been down physically for a couple weeks, late and grumpy. Low and behold positive on three home pregnancy test yesterday. Finding out for sure Tuesday. Time to touch up the tattoo DKT__?4 I'm excited, but this is a game changer. Man 41 by the time baby is here. Makes the whole ring thing seem so unimportant. Oh my! Does this mean you will rethink your long term plan with lovin' and get remarried? On the ring topic, it is about what meaning is assigned to the object (the rings) and what it signifies to each individual. Assigned meaning is everything. It may be useful for each of you to write out thoroughly what meaning has been assigned to the rings - then discuss with each other what emotions they hold. You may be surprised... 1
drifter777 Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Did you know knocking her up was a real possibility? Does it feel like she trapped you? 1
veritas lux mea Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 While we are at it. Why don't we just tie lovin to a post in the centre of town and give her 80 lashes. It will make a lot of posters feel better on here I am sure. But, the both sides of the story posting and an "accidental" pregnancy make me wonder how true this all is. If it is, BC fails all the time. A friend of mine just had the big A because after 8 years of being on BC (and taking it well) she got pregnant. And if DK really didn't want another kid then it would have been his responsibility to rubber up as well as hers to take the pill. Guys don't get a free pass just because the chickie says she is on the pill. (or is but you know it isn't 100% baby proof) 1
gettingstronger Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Life is crazy, congrats and all the good stuff. 41 is the new 30 so I hear!
veritas lux mea Posted May 17, 2014 Posted May 17, 2014 Story just had another twist that made me question its authenticity. The success rate of BC is actually theoretical. It shouldn't fail. But several studies have been done to show that break through ovulation can occur eveb without human error. Not all result in a pregnancy. Some are fertilized but do not implant. Some just don't meet the sperm. Human error can also occur and affect the effectiveness. I get guys wanting to bareback it. But unless it is a ltr where you are fully committed and have no issues with an oops baby, being safe and combining condom with the pill should always be encouraged. And teenagers should never go bareback. The reason I put so much empathis on the guy looking after his sperm is because once it leaves his body he loses all say over it. And nine months later he may be paying child support. Or if he has issues with abortion and view an unborn baby as an individual he will have no say over it being killed. So great sex sans condom? Sure. But the situation should really be weighed. End tangent.
Author DKT3 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 (edited) Story just had another twist that made me question its authenticity. The success rate of BC is actually theoretical. It shouldn't fail. But several studies have been done to show that break through ovulation can occur eveb without human error. Not all result in a pregnancy. Some are fertilized but do not implant. Some just don't meet the sperm. Human error can also occur and affect the effectiveness. I get guys wanting to bareback it. But unless it is a ltr where you are fully committed and have no issues with an oops baby, being safe and combining condom with the pill should always be encouraged. And teenagers should never go bareback. The reason I put so much empathis on the guy looking after his sperm is because once it leaves his body he loses all say over it. And nine months later he may be paying child support. Or if he has issues with abortion and view an unborn baby as an individual he will have no say over it being killed. So great sex sans condom? Sure. But the situation should really be weighed. End tangent. Yes because we have nothing better to do then spend the last three months making up a story. For what purpose? Sometimes things happen at a time and place where you have not intention on anything happening. We are both 40 years old, and have two kids already. Neither of us were against having another child and she is a great mother. Its my baby, if she is pregnant. Im sure of that. No she isn't trapping me, again I'm 40 years old, if I put myself somewhere and didn't protect myself the outcome is on me. Edited May 18, 2014 by DKT3 2
revelations Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 While we are at it. Why don't we just tie lovin to a post in the centre of town and give her 80 lashes. It will make a lot of posters feel better on here I am sure. veritas lux mea you are way out of line with this comment. A WW has done something horrible to her BH so she has lost credibility and should expect to be questioned if the child is really his. A woman knows 100% if it is her kid, a man can only go by the woman's word. So tell me how trustworthy is the word of a WW? WW's such as yourself need to get off of their high horse. You hurt the person that is closes to you so stop trying to dodge the consequences of your actions. Myself I have been very upfront on saying that lovin deserved a second chance. However she has not earned the privilege of being trusted blindly. DKT3 You know your situation better than any of us. If you feel their is no need to get a DNA test done that is up to you. Personally I would still test, or at least see what lovin's reaction would be. Like I have said before, I really hope that she doesn't make me eat my words on saying she is worth a second chance. As far as her being a good mother, I am sure she is, however I am going by your word on it. Now please do not misunderstand me DKT3 you do know yourself that I have been in lovin's corner. I have been very impressed by the work that she has done so far. I mean not just the work on herself, also the work she has done to try and repair the damage she has done. It is just that I am the kind of person that would never be able to give blind or near blind trust back especially when just getting back together. Truth is that you probably view her or the situation differently than I do. I would like to say congratulations on pending birth of your little DKT3. I do hope that you two remain together and give this child a wonderful home. Hopefully lovin will treat this event as it should be treated by her and that is a second chance to redeem herself and enjoy her family. Again I wish you guys nothing but happiness and joy in your new lives. 1
Author DKT3 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 veritas lux mea you are way out of line with this comment. A WW has done something horrible to her BH so she has lost credibility and should expect to be questioned if the child is really his. A woman knows 100% if it is her kid, a man can only go by the woman's word. So tell me how trustworthy is the word of a WW? WW's such as yourself need to get off of their high horse. You hurt the person that is closes to you so stop trying to dodge the consequences of your actions. Myself I have been very upfront on saying that lovin deserved a second chance. However she has not earned the privilege of being trusted blindly. DKT3 You know your situation better than any of us. If you feel their is no need to get a DNA test done that is up to you. Personally I would still test, or at least see what lovin's reaction would be. Like I have said before, I really hope that she doesn't make me eat my words on saying she is worth a second chance. As far as her being a good mother, I am sure she is, however I am going by your word on it. Now please do not misunderstand me DKT3 you do know yourself that I have been in lovin's corner. I have been very impressed by the work that she has done so far. I mean not just the work on herself, also the work she has done to try and repair the damage she has done. It is just that I am the kind of person that would never be able to give blind or near blind trust back especially when just getting back together. Truth is that you probably view her or the situation differently than I do. I would like to say congratulations on pending birth of your little DKT3. I do hope that you two remain together and give this child a wonderful home. Hopefully lovin will treat this event as it should be treated by her and that is a second chance to redeem herself and enjoy her family. Again I wish you guys nothing but happiness and joy in your new lives. Remember she is also a member here. She has already she we could DNA test if I needed it. Blind trust in lovin is over. But I trust her enough to be comfortable. As far as the great mother part. I know some will say part of being a great mother is doing what's best for the kids, of course risking the stable life with an affair isn't doing what's best for the kids. We all make mistakes, some worse then other. Im comfortable that lovin has learned her lesson. Can I say it would never happen again? Nah, but I can say it would be a lot harder for her because I'm alert. I too have learned a lesson. 1
veritas lux mea Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 veritas lux mea you are way out of line with this comment. A WW has done something horrible to her BH so she has lost credibility and should expect to be questioned if the child is really his. A woman knows 100% if it is her kid, a man can only go by the woman's word. So tell me how trustworthy is the word of a WW? WW's such as yourself need to get off of their high horse. You hurt the person that is closes to you so stop trying to dodge the consequences of your actions. Myself I have been very upfront on saying that lovin deserved a second chance. However she has not earned the privilege of being trusted blindly. DKT3 You know your situation better than any of us. If you feel their is no need to get a DNA test done that is up to you. Personally I would still test, or at least see what lovin's reaction would be. Like I have said before, I really hope that she doesn't make me eat my words on saying she is worth a second chance. As far as her being a good mother, I am sure she is, however I am going by your word on it. Now please do not misunderstand me DKT3 you do know yourself that I have been in lovin's corner. I have been very impressed by the work that she has done so far. I mean not just the work on herself, also the work she has done to try and repair the damage she has done. It is just that I am the kind of person that would never be able to give blind or near blind trust back especially when just getting back together. Truth is that you probably view her or the situation differently than I do. I would like to say congratulations on pending birth of your little DKT3. I do hope that you two remain together and give this child a wonderful home. Hopefully lovin will treat this event as it should be treated by her and that is a second chance to redeem herself and enjoy her family. Again I wish you guys nothing but happiness and joy in your new lives. The problem isn't DK. If he had doubts he would DNA test. But a bunch of posters hounding him to do so? Give it up already. If a person wants to DNA test that is a choice I don't think the hate crowd need to hound on about. Frankly, if not brought up I think it is tasteless to try to push on someone. If that person accepts the child is his then why do posters feel the need to bring it up. I no more see my comment out of line then the rediculous on repeat command to DNA the kids. And in this case I think to many people are treating DK and lovin with fresh betrayal rational. They are long past that. Just because some posters lose trust in someone forever doesn't mean others do. 1
Author DKT3 Posted May 18, 2014 Author Posted May 18, 2014 The problem isn't DK. If he had doubts he would DNA test. But a bunch of posters hounding him to do so? Give it up already. If a person wants to DNA test that is a choice I don't think the hate crowd need to hound on about. Frankly, if not brought up I think it is tasteless to try to push on someone. If that person accepts the child is his then why do posters feel the need to bring it up. I no more see my comment out of line then the rediculous on repeat command to DNA the kids. And in this case I think to many people are treating DK and lovin with fresh betrayal rational. They are long past that. Just because some posters lose trust in someone forever doesn't mean others do. You're right it was a long time ago and many of the issues have faded. Others we did some rugsweeping and they are now being dealt with. While the news is fresh I haven't feel the need to demand DNA. Lovin has read the comments here and said she would understand and was ok with doing it. As far as the suggestions, I would say the same on the outside looking in. Her affair for me called into question if I fathered both our kids. Son looks just like me so that doubt was only fleeting. Little girl doesn't look at all like me, looks just like her grandmother(lovin's mom) she was tested 99.7% mine. I actually felt like crap afterwards, for doubting her being mine, even having some reason to do so. 1
revelations Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 Remember she is also a member here. She has already she we could DNA test if I needed it. Blind trust in lovin is over. But I trust her enough to be comfortable. As far as the great mother part. I know some will say part of being a great mother is doing what's best for the kids, of course risking the stable life with an affair isn't doing what's best for the kids. We all make mistakes, some worse then other. Im comfortable that lovin has learned her lesson. Can I say it would never happen again? Nah, but I can say it would be a lot harder for her because I'm alert. I too have learned a lesson. Well to me it is a very good sign that lovin would do a DNA test if you needed that. That not only shows she is willing to prove but also understands why she needs to prove it. Like I have said before you do know her better than us. So again congratulations on the rug rat and I am very impressed with lovin.
lovinDKT3 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 The second I got the first positive my first thought was will he doubt the child is his. I have no one to blame for this. With our first two I recall pure joy with finding out even through I didn't feel I was ready the first time. If DKT wants to have the baby tested I have no problem with that. It hurts that its a need, partly because I know 100% its his, and partly because I could see doubt on his face even if he doesn't admit it. We are slightly putting the cart before the horse, I had a false positive between our two kids. So Tuesday we will know for sure. 1
Fluttershy Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 I have to say I cringe a little when posters push the DNA test issue. I have seen a few times when the poster has said they are not doing one and they still get lots of pushing. Some people have a lot of mistrust and they may say Lovin's offer is a bluff and DK should call her on it. But if Dk has no doubts or desire to DNA test I think we should respect that and back off. Let him save some money and do things his way. Congratulations you two on the baby. This will probably be your last and no matter the future this child having the love of two parents is a wonderful thing. Hopefully it doesn't put too much strain on your budding relationship but challenges come and getting through them is what makes us stronger. 2
maaz3231 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 I never wore my ring again and neither did she. About a year after DDay we bought new rings. I asked her to specifically promise me she will never stray again and that the new rings symbolized this renewed promise. I'm not sure where the old rings are anymore, and I don't really care. They mean nothing to her or me. 1
drifter777 Posted May 21, 2014 Posted May 21, 2014 For me, here's the issue regarding DNA testing of a child: Geneticists and physicians would like us all to have our DNA sequenced. That way we’ll know about our genetic flaws, and this knowledge could let us take steps to prevent future health problems. But genetic tests can also identify the individuals from whom we got our DNA. Widespread genetic testing could reveal many uncomfortable details about what went on in our parents’ and grandparents’ bedrooms. The problem would not loom so large if non-paternity were rare. But it isn’t. When geneticists do large-scale studies of populations, they sometimes can’t help but learn about the paternity of the research subjects. They rarely publish their findings, but the numbers are common knowledge within the genetics community. In graduate school, genetics students typically are taught that 5 to 15 percent of the men on birth certificates are not the biological fathers of their children. In other words, as many as one of every seven men who proudly carry their newborn children out of a hospital could be a cuckold. These numbers are astounding to me. If a wife - like my wife - is a proven cheater I wonder if these percentages go up. My guess is yes, but I don't know. I've also read that when infidelity is suspected this number skyrockets. For a man to want to prove paternity is justified by these numbers - especially if he's married to a WW.
lovinDKT3 Posted May 22, 2014 Posted May 22, 2014 Well, we are pregnant (7weeks). As for the rings, we decided to have a cross pendant made for both kids from them. Dropping the rings off with his friend Friday. 1
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