After the affair, what meaning does your rings hold?

[lovinDKT3]

For goodness sake Lovin , stop with this WHAT I WANT attitude before its to late , surely by now you must have realised how lucky you are to even be with this man . Surely from reading all the reposes to both your threads you can realise you got a one in a million man there .

Its not what they symbolise to you that's important ,its what they symbolise to DKT3 that matters . For a two year period of your marriage you took him to hell and back , is it any wonder he exploded with rage every so often .

As soon as he mention what he wanted to do with those rings the only words that should of came out of your mouth should have been " Im more than willing to do what ever you want that will make you happy and for us to continue moving forward with our relationship , if these rings are a symbol of a time that I brought unimaginable pain into our lifes im more than happy to have them remoulded into something that reminds you of the great joy I can also bring to you "

Lovin understand exactly how stupid your being , as someone ask and to which you didn't answer ,its obvious that you did wear those rings when having sex with you AP , don't you understand how that must be killing DKT3 . For crying out load woman cut him some slack and stop acting like stupidity is a virtue .

 

I wasn't asked directly about wearing my rings while with OM. I never took my rings off. I was a married woman involved with a man who wasn't my husband, wearing my rings wasn't the horrible thing, being with that man was.

 

The rings hold meaning for me but no where near what DKT means to me. When he raged about me wearing the wedding ring I took it off and haven't put it back on. Maybe its stupid and selfish but I dream of the day that he wants me to again wear his ring. I understand his feelings and get it, I guess I'm just holding on to that dream.

 

I will not allow this to become an issue, before that I will take them to his friend myself.

[Trustnoone]

@ Kalilove

 

One of the few admissions she told me on the first try.

 

Our rings were the symbols of our vows, something I will never take lightly. For her to touch another male wearing that ring set my rage to new heights. This is without even mentioning how I feel that she actually had sex with them on. I asked her if she ever noticed her ring while having sex. She said yes. No further explanation.

[atreides]

I have not read the whole of this thread yet....

 

Coming from some one who can no longer wear my ring, "marital arts injury" i never have gone to fix it or resize it and my wife balked a bit but it has been so long that we think nothing of it now, but really this is about symbolism.

 

So to the OP, in symbolism while important is the last bastion in my opinion via your context, for her they represent hope. They have no meaning in the context of marriage because you do not share that meaning. So really is it a concern if the meaning is gone, as it is only one sided? Now if you actually along with others whom have posted take offense, in my opinion you then still have feelings for the marriage and are sharing the association.. thus the rings have meaning.

 

I bet OP, if you decided to re-marry her that she would no longer need them for "hope" and would have no issue in getting new rings.

[DKT3]

Its the fact that you didn't respect your husband or your marriage enough at that time not to remove those rings that is the horrible thing , they both go together .Your wrong in saying not removing them wasn't horrible ,it was , because it would have shown you still had a small amount of decency inside you if you had .

Like you said " it may be stupid and selfish " Yes it is , forget about your dreams and think about somebody else , I bet DKT also has a dream where he isn't seeing things that remind him of your betrayal .

You will not allow this to become an issue , well wake up girl and smell the roses , obviously it is a issue to him , so take the rings to his friend today

 

Bear

 

I get the impression that you see lovin as a horrible person, she isn't. I'm not defending what she did but affair aside she has been wonderful to me for 21 of the 23 years since I first took her to the movies. She truely is an awesome lady, and a great mother.

 

I recall something our first MC said after she was served and confessed. "If poor treatment was like punches who would you rather be" at the time (clear not ready for MC) I was like this is stupid she cheated and your talking about punches?

 

I thought about that question over the years and the anwser was so clear.

 

This relationship has to be about compromise, our marriage wasn't, it was me wanting something and her giving in and letting me have. Her being unfaithful doesn't mean she loses her voice going forward. We will figure this ring situation out. That's were we've grown as a couple.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We will figure this ring situation out. That's were we've grown as a couple.

 

What is there to figure out? You two are divorced, right?

[jnel921]

I have been reading these posts for the past couple of days. I am not sure how our comments are really helping the OP and his wife. It is awkward reading the responses back and forth and there is a little defensiveness.

 

My H had a brief A. The OW forwarded a pic where my H had his arm around her waist as he was taking the pic with his cellphone. That was his wedding hand and no he did not have his wedding band on.

 

When I first saw this I had mixed feelings. I first felt he was giving her the respect of not flaunting his commitment to me in front of her face. Then I felt maybe he felt guilty and looking at it only reminded him of me. So maybe there was a sick kind of respect there. I remember mentioning this to him and I beleive he mentioned the guilt. Regardless the action is what hurt our M the most.

 

I remember when we took our vows on that beach in Hawaii. It took some convincing to get me to marry again after my first mistake of a M. I trusted this man with my heart, my kids and my life. The ceremony was the commitment and the rings were the symbols and memory of that day.

 

I have a beautiful wedding set. But I admit I do not wear since and it's been over 17 months. I will wear other costume jewelry that looks like a band or engagement ring but not my real set. My H takes my hand and will look at me and ask why and I tell him I am not ready to wear it. Just like I cannot say the words I Love you and have them mean the same or feel the same the day I accepted and took the vow of being his wife.

 

I can understand how couples who are R recommit and renew their vows. I am not there yet. My H has proven to be remorseful and has done all of the right things, but I know I am not there yet. When he did this there was a part of how I used to look at him that died. He no longer is the same man I fell in love with. Currently he is a new person. Someone I have started to fall in love with again. Someone who appreciates me more.

 

There is a pain and shock that comes with infidelity in which you do not expect the person you vow to love, honor and respect to cross the lines and disregard boundaries. In that instance I felt... He didn't love me as much as he said if he is capable of this. Whether it was a temporary fog or lust...doesn't matter. What is done is done. But a WS cannot expect us BS to feel the same. While I am sure we will get to a better place and be totally in love again, I can never look into his eyes and feel that he was just mine...in my heart I do feel as if I was not enough. Right now he needs to make me beleive that I am.

 

It has been a long road. One that I have agreed to take to improve and restore our M. The ring, is a ring right now. I know that at the time it was given to me...my H loved me wholeheartedly. I expect that when I wear it full time it will be because I feel that he loves me that same way again. Until my heart feels safe... I will put it away with all of the bad feelings until we are in a fantastic place within our M. Right now we are in a good place.

[DKT3]

Also I have to say obviously I have only formed opinions of you both from what each of you have wrote , if its the case that despite Lovin A ,the way you have treated her over the years before and after the A as been far worst , then I do indeed apologise to Lovin .

 

I know I get protective of her here, its been said several times and its really not my intent. I just don't want people to have the wrong impression. Yes I was pretty bad as a husband and far less of a father then I should have been.

 

I read all comments and your are as good as any with some good stuff. Keep'm coming.

[drifter777]

To answer OP's original question, our wedding rings meant absolutely nothing to me after she cheated. I threw mine out of a car window and vowed to never look back. After we got back together she bought me a new one, and I wear it, but to this day it is just a piece of jewelry. The wedding vows it represents were broken forever so it holds no special meaning to me.

[compulsivedancer]

While OM and I were still waiting to get a yes or no from H about the open relationship (before/at the beginning of the A), I told OM I would not take off my ring, nonnegotiable. I wanted him to remember that I was married to H, that he was extra, not my primary relationship. I realize now that sounds crazy, but that's why I did it at the time.

 

H did not wear his ring after DDay. We talked about buying new rings, but he wasn't ready . Recently I went out to dinner with him and he was talking and suddenly I realized he was wearing his ring. I almost started crying.

 

I still want to get new ones, though.

[atreides]

While OM and I were still waiting to get a yes or no from H about the open relationship (before/at the beginning of the A), I told OM I would not take off my ring, nonnegotiable. I wanted him to remember that I was married to H, that he was extra, not my primary relationship. I realize now that sounds crazy, but that's why I did it at the time.

 

H did not wear his ring after DDay. We talked about buying new rings, but he wasn't ready . Recently I went out to dinner with him and he was talking and suddenly I realized he was wearing his ring. I almost started crying.

 

I still want to get new ones, though.

 

While it sounds crazy, i find it very helpful for those struggling with how they "feel" about their AP in that what is real and not or "crazy" in having the benefit of hindsight as you put it.

[Buckeye2]

H did not wear his ring after DDay. We talked about buying new rings, but he wasn't ready . Recently I went out to dinner with him and he was talking and suddenly I realized he was wearing his ring. I almost started crying.

 

Congratulations on your husband wearing his ring again. That's good news indeed.

 

While OM and I were still waiting to get a yes or no from H about the open relationship (before/at the beginning of the A), I told OM I would not take off my ring, nonnegotiable. I wanted him to remember that I was married to H, that he was extra, not my primary relationship. I realize now that sounds crazy, but that's why I did it at the time.

 

You were not crazy. Your stated goal at the time was to have a polyamorous relationship and you were making headway in talking you husband into it.

 

You were merely being upfront with the OM that your husband would always be your #1. I think it also made you feel less guilty about what you were doing.

 

You and the OM used polyamory as a bridge to get to your affair. If your husband had nipped that talk in the bud, your affair may never have happened.

Edited May 14, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Clay]

The things you even have to discuss after being cheated on. Who would ever imagine when you got married you would be wondering if your SO would be wearing there ring when they were have sex with someone else. Its really sad. I would really put the ring topic completely to rest for now DKT and just focus on rebuilding a relationship with her if that is what you really want in your heart. The topic of a ring can be discussed later when you are ready. I would not let anyone push me into it as well.

 

 

Clay

[veritas lux mea]

For some people it really isn't worth wasting energy thinking about. Maybe because the rings and even the wedding day are not as important as every day you are together. The rings are merely an outward sign and a pretty piece of jewelery to these people.

[Journee]

I can't remember the last time I wore my ring. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever owned....

 

After all of the women, the neglect and lack of give a dam# from my H, I'll not put it back on because I don't have a dam# to give either. Sometimes BS stay for their own reasons too.

 

He never wore his. I haven't seen it in years.

 

We share no intimacy anymore, sleep in separate rooms.

[beach]

Sorry William if this isn't the right forum for this question.

 

I have a friend who is an artist and I was talking to him about melting them down and having something for the kids made. For me those rings only have meaning involving the kids so they should have them.

 

Lovin on the other hand is very attached to them and for her "FOR HER" what they mean. She doesn't think her affair wipes out what the rings stand for.

 

She wore both her engagement and wedding ring for along time. After an outbust I had about three years ago she stopped wearing the wedding ring but still to this day wears her engagement ring.

 

For her putting the wedding ring back on is something she feels she can earn. I think even if we remarry (very unlikely) it sound be with new rings for a new marriage.

 

Thoughts?

 

I can't imagine why lovin' keeps choosing these battles.

 

She cheated. She wore those rings while she had sex with her OM - heck the rings probably even touched his intimate areas.

 

It shouldn't matter how SHE feels now about the rings! SHE should only be considering YOUR feelings!

 

If you want to melt them down so they never, ever remind you of her cheating = then she should be "all on board" with ANY fresh NEW start you give her.

 

 

The way she keeps arguing over trivial things like a stupid ring that represents infidelity now - is just unbelievable to me.

 

Lovin' stop being so resistant to change - change in EVERYTHING is what you two need to move FORWARD!

 

It's JUST JEWELRY! And you're not married at this point - so stop making it a battle for DK.

[lovinDKT3]

During my A I never put much thought into wearing or not wearing my rings, if any. Today its hard for me to understand many of the things I thought or did. How did I get there? How could I let my walls down and believe that this guy I had a one night stand with could be a "friend"? Friends are something you can share with your spouse, not keep them secret. I was fooling myself, maybe the affair was my intent all along.

 

The only thought during the A about my rings was driving to pick up the kids after the last time I had sex with the om. With my hands on the wheel I glanced at the rings and thought I need to get them cleaned then I had a rush of emotions about my marriage, DKT and what I was doing with my life. Not that the rings were the catalyst to ending the A, again I never put much thought into the meaning.

 

It sounds disrespectful, but its the honest truth. It wasn't until DKT started about me wearing the rings did I make the connection. Hard to believe that something that I gave so little thought about then has this level of importance now.

 

DKT told me yesterday we will deal with rings when the time is right, and as suggested by a poster we talked about a commitment ring.

[beach]

During my A I never put much thought into wearing or not wearing my rings, if any. Today its hard for me to understand many of the things I thought or did. How did I get there? How could I let my walls down and believe that this guy I had a one night stand with could be a "friend"? Friends are something you can share with your spouse, not keep them secret. I was fooling myself, maybe the affair was my intent all along.

 

The only thought during the A about my rings was driving to pick up the kids after the last time I had sex with the om. With my hands on the wheel I glanced at the rings and thought I need to get them cleaned then I had a rush of emotions about my marriage, DKT and what I was doing with my life. Not that the rings were the catalyst to ending the A, again I never put much thought into the meaning.

 

It sounds disrespectful, but its the honest truth. It wasn't until DKT started about me wearing the rings did I make the connection. Hard to believe that something that I gave so little thought about then has this level of importance now.

 

DKT told me yesterday we will deal with rings when the time is right, and as suggested by a poster we talked about a commitment ring.

 

You really didn't address the things I pointed out/asked you about.

 

 

And in one sentence you state he was a one night stand and the other sentence says "sex for the last time". Was it two separate men?

 

I'd like to know why you keep being so stubborn about things when it makes things a battle with DK?

 

It's looking like more of a "power play/struggle" when these issues surface.

 

You two are supposed to be working toward new ways to communicate more effectively while reducing the harm done to each other.

 

Yet you picked this battle?

 

If he thinks the rings should go - then get rid of them. THAT marriage is dead and gone! Holding on to that relationship that is now ruined isn't even productive.

 

Get rid of everything that reminds him of the failed marriage.

 

Start NEW and fresh. No holding on to the PAST.

 

Letting go of what didn't work is very freeing.

 

Pick your battles wisely...he's given you a chance to CHANGE - so change everything.

[lovinDKT3]

You really didn't address the things I pointed out/asked you about.

 

 

And in one sentence you state he was a one night stand and the other sentence says "sex for the last time". Was it two separate men?

 

I'd like to know why you keep being so stubborn about things when it makes things a battle with DK?

 

It's looking like more of a "power play/struggle" when these issues surface.

 

You two are supposed to be working toward new ways to communicate more effectively while reducing the harm done to each other.

 

Yet you picked this battle?

 

If he thinks the rings should go - then get rid of them. THAT marriage is dead and gone! Holding on to that relationship that is now ruined isn't even productive.

 

Get rid of everything that reminds him of the failed marriage.

 

Start NEW and fresh. No holding on to the PAST.

 

Letting go of what didn't work is very freeing.

 

Pick your battles wisely...he's given you a chance to CHANGE - so change everything.

 

My last post wasn't in responce to yours. I hadn't read it.

 

My affair was a one night stand that turned friendship-EA-PA-EA with the same guy.

 

This ring thing hasn't been a fight. He came to me and asked what I thought of his idea about the ring. I simply asked if we could wait and think about it. As I said, before its an issue I will take the rings myself.

[beach]

Based on other posts in the other thread - I don't believe it was a one night stand.

 

It looks like you had sex with the guy for months.

[2sunny]

My ring represents betrayal from the one person who was supposed to love me and honor me completely. I think I'll sell it. That would be useful.

[lovinDKT3]

Based on other posts in the other thread - I don't believe it was a one night stand.

 

It looks like you had sex with the guy for months.

 

Are you reading my posts? In just my last one I said it was a one night stand that turn into a long term affair, mostly emotional but there was some sexual contact. Not a lot, mainly because I was having great sex in my marriage. The affair was about what I felt I wasn't getting in my marriage. Sex was just something I felt I owed the OM, not something I really needed from him. It doesn't make it any better, in fact DKT said it would have been less painful if OM was a ***** buddy and I had no emotional attachment. I wasn't in love with om but at one point I cared for him a great deal.

[harrybrown]

How do you feel about him now? Was the last contact that you had was when the police took him away?

 

With my wife's affair, it made me lose self-esteem and the OM was a loser.

 

Made me feel like a backup plan.

 

I think about the pain every day, but as time goes by it gets less and less. I hope the pain goes away for your H.

 

What can you do to make this up to him? what would you do if he had an affair? would you treat him better or worse than he has treated you?

[beach]

How could I let my walls down and believe that this guy I had a one night stand with could be a "friend"?

 

 

 

The only thought during the A about my rings was driving to pick up the kids after the last time I had sex with the om.

 

My affair was a one night stand that turned friendship-EA-PA-EA with the same guy.

 

Are you reading my posts? In just my last one I said it was a one night stand that turn into a long term affair, mostly emotional but there was some sexual contact. Not a lot, mainly because I was having great sex in my marriage.

 

Can you see why it's confusing? Can you just leave the minimizing of "one night stand" out of it? Since you also did "other things" with him after the first time - it isn't a ONS.

 

A ONE night stand is when you have sex on ONE night - and literally never hear from or see that person ever again.

 

It appears yours was an emotional and physical affair for an extended time.

 

 

 

And there are some people that think even kissing another person classifies as a physical affair.

 

But let's not split hairs...

 

Think about it this way - how many times did that ring touch your OM's skin? Be honest.

Edited May 15, 2014 by beach

[lovinDKT3]

How do you feel about him now? Was the last contact that you had was when the police took him away?

 

With my wife's affair, it made me lose self-esteem and the OM was a loser.

 

Made me feel like a backup plan.

 

I think about the pain every day, but as time goes by it gets less and less. I hope the pain goes away for your H.

 

What can you do to make this up to him? what would you do if he had an affair? would you treat him better or worse than he has treated you?

 

I didn't have contact then. I had an order of protection and he was sitting outside my business. The police were called and they made him leave.

 

Today I'm totally indifferent about OM, I don't give him any thought unless asked.

 

How do I make it up to him? By being the best partner I can be, making him feel safe and comfortable in the relationship. To do that I have to never give him any reason to doubt what I'm doing or saying. Slowly rebuild his trust in me.

 

DKT was never a backup plan. For a brief period I was confused about my marriage during that time is when I became involved with OM. During the affair I knew I didn't want my marriage to end it was just hard to pain a total end to my contact with OM.

[lovinDKT3]

[/b]

[/b]

 

 

 

Can you see why it's confusing? Can you just leave the minimizing of "one night stand" out of it? Since you also did "other things" with him after the first time - it isn't a ONS.

 

A ONE night stand is when you have sex on ONE night - and literally never hear from or see that person ever again.

 

It appears yours was an emotional and physical affair for an extended time.

 

 

 

And there are some people that think even kissing another person classifies as a physical affair.

 

But let's not split hairs...

 

Think about it this way - how many times did that ring touch your OM's skin? Be honest.

I say ons because it was in my mind two different things. We had sex then didn't speak for a long time. Then we started back up as friends which lead to an EA the PA back to EA. At the time I lumped it all together. In IC I came to understand I in fact cheated on DKT twice first with the one night stand then with the A. Being with the same man doesn't make it different.