phh82 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 So we have been apart for over a year now and I'm still not over her. Have been NC for a month and then, out of the blue, she sent me this: Hi, I’ve been thinking long if I should write this or not, but I think you deserve to hear from me. First of all, thank you for the Easter parcel, I wasn’t expecting it and I forgot to send the card (any cards, to be honest) to your family this year. I was kicking myself for it, as you may imagine. And thank you for all the other kind and lovely things you’ve done for me. I do appreciate it all of it, I don’t show it, cause I don’t want to stir up things between us, but I do appreciate it. I’m not gona go over the things that were, or could have been. I stopped counting my losses and started counting my blessings. I have changed over the past year and I am still looking for happiness, not sure if it even exists, but I’ll keep looking, only coz there’s nothing better to do in this world. I am thinking of you, your family and Rudy (my dog, or rather OUR dog) of course. It’s a chapter I had to leave behind, coz that’s what I do, I move on, I burn bridges. It’s a self-defence mechanism and it’s hard to turn it off. I could count it as a loss, but it gives me comfort to know that you’re still together and strong, despite all the **** that life keeps tossing our way, so I count it as a blessing. What I’m trying to say is, I hope you’re ok, I hope you’re in a better mood and that life treats you well. I hope you treat yourself well, and that by now you have no regrets. Not sure if you’ve read Danny Wallace’s ‘The Charlotte Street’, I recommend it, it’s funny and warm, and it’s got a few references to our past and hopefully future. It should boost your positive thinking. Don’t want to cause you any distress with this email, but I don’t want you to think that I’m a cold **** and that it all meant nothing to me. I’d love to be friends, but I think it will only be possible when you’re in love with another girl. Like, truly in love and happy. I’ll be there to cheer you on. I really want what’s best for you and I’m looking forward to the day. All the best A So, normally I would have replied to her already, I would have text her, or called her. I'm trying to be more logical here. I still love her with all my heart. I want her so badly still but I can't keep on trying for something that is so hard to attain. I've hurt myself too much. Does anybody out there think I should chase her or should I just simply ignore this email. I think about her all day, everyday and would give anything for a 2nd chance I have tried dating other girls but I just can't shake the though of my ex. I truly believe that she is the one for me. She is so hard-nosed with her beliefs though. I have done some daft, desperate things to try and show her what she means to me. But I don't want to come across as needy any more. Its not attractive. We ere in regular contact for much of the time we have been apart but around xmas time I couldn't take it any more. I have had therapy to try and move on. It's tough though Any advice guys would be great
Ordinaryday Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 there is NOTHING, absolutely NOTHING, in that letter that suggests she is open to a 'second chance'. the fact that she outright states she hopes you two can one day 'be friends' is the kiss of death, it is her basically saying YOU WILL NEVER BE WITH HER AGAIN. This letter is just her making peace/trying to ease her conscience/being nostalgic/whatever. it is NOT about her wanting another chance with you, and since you want to be with her as a boyfriend then you are wasting your time and potentially hurting yourself by responding to this letter. 1
this2shallpass Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Hi... to be honest, i do feel you should try to forget this girl, move on..it seems like that is what she is doing, and want for you too. From her e-mail i can tell that maybe she has her own personal struggles. I dont think I even would respond to that, it can only lead to more hurt, if you dont get an answer for example, or if you get an answer, but not an answer you were hoping for. And dont try to call her either. The best thing I think is to remove yourself completely, you said you have been in regular contact? Well...thats not very good for you..she knows you are still "there", and suits her im sure. So I think you need to completely cut ties now. I KNOW its hard, BELIEVE me, I KNOW..but i also know what is in theory the best thing to do. I am going through it myself RIGHT now...so i feel for you, and share your pain..
CarrieT Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 First off, you sent her an Easter package?!! That is not No Contact! Cut your losses and move on!
this2shallpass Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 i do agree with Ordinaryday.. She doesnt indicate in any way that she wants to try again. I too think she does it to ease her conscience...im sorry
veggirl Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Wait. You sent a girl who dumped you a year ago an Easter parcel!? Dude are you even TRYING to move on? You shouldn't be this way a year out. Do not reply to that email. She does NOT want you to chase her, she specifically said so when she said you can't be friends!! Jeeez a year out and no progress, time to try something new! No contact! 1
this2shallpass Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 yes, NO CONTACT. You have to be strong and completely erase and delete her from everything you have.
Ordinaryday Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Wait. You sent a girl who dumped you a year ago an Easter parcel!? Dude are you even TRYING to move on? You shouldn't be this way a year out. Do not reply to that email. She does NOT want you to chase her, she specifically said so when she said you can't be friends!! Jeeez a year out and no progress, time to try something new! No contact! hey even though I agree, you cant blame us guys for being dumb. we have grown up watching Hollywood movies where the boy and girl meetup, hookup, breakup and then get back together after the boy does some outlandish scheme to win back her affections. I learned the hard way that this is very rarely the case in real life. yet another example of how movies lie to us.
melell Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Op, I was in relationship for years, I was madly in love. Not even a year since breaking up and I hardly ever think about my ex, certainly not with any 'love' type feelings. It is a psychological thing more than it is 'love', you aren't doing yourself any favours engaging in this... You shouldn't even be able to receive an email from her if you are going to move on...
Summerrose2013 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Until you are truly at peace with this break up and over her, I would strongly agree with others that you need to step away from this girl. I can't fathom what the point of her contact is other than to try and and herself feel better. I'm sorry to say that she sounds very selfish. Please do yourself a big favour and get some more help. There are lots of self help books around. Sort your own life out, fill the space she took up with other things. I've learned so much since the break up with my ex. One big one is that the more I reached out to him to stand by me and re-assure me, the more I pushed him away. The more needy I showed myself to be, the more repelled he became, and I've since learnt this is typical behaviour in a relationship. 1
Author phh82 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Thanks for the really quick response guys. Much appreciated. I think the stuff being said back to me is correct. Sometimes it helps for others to clarify it though. I can't disagree with anything that has been said here. It's tough but it's right. The easter parcel - was an easter card and a photo that I know she wanted returned. She sent me something at xmas and I thought it wouldn't hurt to return the favour. I know I know.... thinking with my heart rather than my head. But yeah, a year on and behaving/thinking like this isn't good. The therapy helps and Ive also been on some Prozac as well to help me take the edge off things. I've met half a dozen girls over the past year and can't seem to get past the initial 2 to 3 weeks. Ive put someone on a pedestal and she needs to be knocked off. Like right now. I've deleted the email now and I won't be replying 5
Natsume21 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Let me be frank. I don't think she sounds like a complete and utter bitch. Oh who am I kidding? Of course she is, considering she obviously sees the hurt she's putting you through and not doing anything about it. This letter is her way of easing her guilt, or maybe to keep you on the backburner. Here's what you should do, if you wanna write her back, do it, with the knowledge that you won't get ANYTHING, out of this...no friendship or a relationship. That's right, doing this means that it's got to be completely self-less, and relationships are NOT COMPLETELY SELF-LESS. They are a mixture of both, and when one's off balance the whole thing is off balance. You can't beg her back, you can't mention a relationship, and if you accept the friendship, you have to understand that she may not call or talk to you for days, weeks, hell maybe never. This is exactly what you're gonna get if you write her back wanting to be friends. I'm pretty sure though, you're not interested in anything platonic, so what she's doing is wasting your time. Don't you have enough friends that you aren't trying to be romantic with? Move on and count this as experience. --Natsume21
Zing Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I’d love to be friends, but I think it will only be possible when you’re in love with another girl. This right here should destroy any notion that she wants to get back together. She's trying to ease her guilt, plain and simple. Move on.
jay1983 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Looks like she's just thanking you for that easter parcel. Move on
lauri Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Ugh, I cannot believe how senseless and self serving some dumpers are. This is about her guilt and her trying to ease it. She knows you aren’t over her... “when you are inlove with someone else, I will be there to cheer you on”. Seriously – wtf? This girl is someone I wouldn’t even give the time of day to. When you are inlove with someone else, which one day you will be, you won’t need her there to “cheer you on” or even be a part of your life. She wants you to be friends with her because it'll signify that what she did to you was okay. She fully didn’t forget to send you or your family a card – she is just trying to seem sincere and nice to you. Look man – whatever you do, do not, DO NOT, send her a response or even contact her. As far as I am concerned, this is all about her and zero about you. 2
No Limit Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You broke the no contact, and here's the breadcrumb you get in return. Back to NC. Real NC. 1
Author phh82 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Lauri - you are right. You have made me smile with your response. First smile today! I feel better already about things and I'm no way replying to the email. If I get weak at all in the future, I'm coming right back to this thread to remind myself why I'm not replying to it. Thank you to you all for your comments Natsume21 - she is isn't she?! You're not kidding
Elle1975 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 So we have been apart for over a year now and I'm still not over her. Have been NC for a month and then, out of the blue, she sent me this: Hi, I’ve been thinking long if I should write this or not, but I think you deserve to hear from me. First of all, thank you for the Easter parcel, I wasn’t expecting it and I forgot to send the card (any cards, to be honest) to your family this year. I was kicking myself for it, as you may imagine. And thank you for all the other kind and lovely things you’ve done for me. I do appreciate it all of it, I don’t show it, cause I don’t want to stir up things between us, but I do appreciate it. I’m not gona go over the things that were, or could have been. I stopped counting my losses and started counting my blessings. I have changed over the past year and I am still looking for happiness, not sure if it even exists, but I’ll keep looking, only coz there’s nothing better to do in this world. I am thinking of you, your family and Rudy (my dog, or rather OUR dog) of course. It’s a chapter I had to leave behind, coz that’s what I do, I move on, I burn bridges. It’s a self-defence mechanism and it’s hard to turn it off. I could count it as a loss, but it gives me comfort to know that you’re still together and strong, despite all the **** that life keeps tossing our way, so I count it as a blessing. What I’m trying to say is, I hope you’re ok, I hope you’re in a better mood and that life treats you well. I hope you treat yourself well, and that by now you have no regrets. Not sure if you’ve read Danny Wallace’s ‘The Charlotte Street’, I recommend it, it’s funny and warm, and it’s got a few references to our past and hopefully future. It should boost your positive thinking. Don’t want to cause you any distress with this email, but I don’t want you to think that I’m a cold **** and that it all meant nothing to me. I’d love to be friends, but I think it will only be possible when you’re in love with another girl. Like, truly in love and happy. I’ll be there to cheer you on. I really want what’s best for you and I’m looking forward to the day. All the best A So, normally I would have replied to her already, I would have text her, or called her. I'm trying to be more logical here. I still love her with all my heart. I want her so badly still but I can't keep on trying for something that is so hard to attain. I've hurt myself too much. Does anybody out there think I should chase her or should I just simply ignore this email. I think about her all day, everyday and would give anything for a 2nd chance I have tried dating other girls but I just can't shake the though of my ex. I truly believe that she is the one for me. She is so hard-nosed with her beliefs though. I have done some daft, desperate things to try and show her what she means to me. But I don't want to come across as needy any more. Its not attractive. We ere in regular contact for much of the time we have been apart but around xmas time I couldn't take it any more. I have had therapy to try and move on. It's tough though Any advice guys would be great No, her email is clear, she won't be back. I wouldn't answer at all. Up to you.
Trep Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I’ve been thinking long if I should write this or not, but I think you deserve to hear from me. Is it just me or does her opening line come across as extremely condescending and self serving. It's almost like she thinks you should thank her for being nice enough to send this pointless email. Bleh, arrogant. 4
Lifegoezon Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Is it just me or does her opening line come across as extremely condescending and self serving. It's almost like she thinks you should thank her for being nice enough to send this pointless email. Bleh, arrogant. Totally agree. What you really deserve is to NOT hear from her. Ever. Well done for not responding. Stay strong as she may follow it up when she gets no grateful response from you to her very benevolent breadcrumb. 1
Author phh82 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 Although I woke up thinking about her again this morning, I honestly don't feel as depressed as normal. The comments about her perhaps coming over as patronising or condescending in her email to me, I think has stuck a chord with me. I gave it my best to try and show her that I wanted her back and I now know I need to stop worrying about what she thinks and concentrate on me. Her loss at the end of the day and all that This is a good thing. As you can probably tell I only signed up here yesterday but I'm really glad I did. Without wanting to blow smoke up anyone's bottom, there seems to be a lot of knowledge and experience on this site that I would be foolish to ignore. Thanks again. 2
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