1630chicago Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Hey guys - new user hoping for any words of wisdom or analysis you can provide. Here is the backstory (apologize for the length). I just turned 28 and she is about to turn 27. We met over 4 years ago when I was 23 (about to turn 24) and she was 22 (about to turn 23). From the first moment we met, there was an incredible instant connection and we were inseparable. We were best friends, complimented and completed each other perfectly, etc. The thing I loved most about her was that I always felt like I could trust her completely – she was always there for me, always stood by me during the tough times, and never wavered in her love and support for me and for our relationship. Over the past 4+ years, we've obviously been through a lot together - getting situated with our careers, starting and completing grad school (she finished last year, I am finishing this year), family illnesses, etc. We were always there for each other through it all, and have essentially been living like a married couple the past 3.5 years. Despite our closeness, she always moved slowly, and so even though we spent every night together and were always around each other, she was hesitant to move in together until 2.5 years into our relationship (due to our respective commutes to school, we ended up keeping separate places until 3.5 years), and she always seemed to think it was weird when our friends started to get engaged and get married. I knew she had been hurt before in one previous relationship, and that she moved more cautiously than I did, and so while it wasn't my preference, I was willing to move at her pace. This past summer, I interned for a prestigious management consulting firm in my hometown, and had to decide at the end of the summer whether to accept a position for the following year in my hometown city or switch to the office in Chicago where we have been living for the past 6 years. I wanted to be in my hometown, and she was willing to move for me, but with her job and friends in Chicago, it seemed easier to be there, and I was willing to switch and stay in Chicago to make things easier on her if we were truly 100% committed to each other. We had that conversation, decided we were, and I switched to Chicago, prepared to get engaged once I finished school that year. We moved in together in August, finally, and everything was easy and great, albeit routine. This spring, between valentines day and our anniversary in March, there was a noticeable lack of affection on her end. She was working long hours, and seemed to always be tired, which I attributed to work at the time. I would bring up my frustration with frequently being rebuffed, but we still had a very close physical relationship (just not manifested through sex). In March, we went on vacation to the Cayman Islands. The Saturday after we got back, my birthday weekend, she woke up and was upset. She said she hadn't been happy and thought we should break up. This had happened once before in our relationship (6 months in), but it was due to a big school decision that was causing her stress and that I was (wrongly) pressuring her about, and we ultimately resolved everything that day. This time, we talked about how she was feeling, about our future, and about the need to decide one way or the other after 4+ years. From that, we began a state of limbo, where we would take time to work on our relationship and ultimately make a decision over the next month on our future together. The conversation caught me off guard and served as a huge wake-up call for me. The reality of possibly losing her made me realize that I did not want to live my life without her. I was determined to win her back, and began to do everything in my power to show her how much I loved and appreciated her. During this time, our relationship was much better, and she was very reassuring and made me think that things would ultimately work out. 10 days after our original talk, and after numerous other talks and emails in the preceding days, we sat down to talk again and I said how hard this was on me, and how I didn't know how much longer I could handle the uncertainty. She seemed to wake up to what was happening, saying "oh god" when realizing what she had put me through the past 10 days. She said she wanted to take breaking up off the table, that she was 100% committed to us and to getting engaged, etc. Over the next three weeks, our relationship continued to be great (at least in my opinion). We were appreciating each other more, being more affectionate and planning our future together (buying new kitchen ware we needed, shopping for engagement rings, looking at our next apt, discussing the type of dog that we were planning to get, etc.). Last weekend, we went running together, went out to dinner on Saturday night, checked out a new apartment on Sunday and cooked dinner on Sunday night. On Monday morning, we talked about a non-refundable hotel that we were planning to book for an upcoming Europe trip together. I said I was going to book it that day, and she said to do it. On Monday night, she got home, and I could tell something was wrong. I asked if it was about us, and she said that while things had been better, she still wasn't happy, and felt like something was missing/that she had a gut feeling that this wasn't right. She comes from a family that is not as expressive or open with communicating, and so it is sometimes hard for her to communicate her feelings. It is a frustration, because I am very open and like to talk things out, and sometimes feel that I have to tiptoe around the issue or else she will get upset and cry and we won't be able to resolve anything. However, it is something she is working on and something I accept about her, because I love her for who she is. In any case, she couldn't give me much more in the way of details, said she "didn't know" what was wrong, and that she would spend the night on the couch. I ended up taking the couch, and over the course of the night I came into our bedroom a few times because I was torn up. Eventually, I went back to sleep on the couch and she came out and spent the rest of the night with me on the couch. On Tuesday morning, she said she wanted to spend the night at her best friend's, and thought a day apart would be helpful. That day and the next, she was cold and limited in responding to my emails and texts. On Wednesday night, she came home to talk. We held each other and cried. I asked if this is what she really wanted, and she said "I don't know." I asked if there was any hope left for us, and she said "I don't know, maybe a little, but I don't know." She wouldn't tell me much else, and I couldn't pull teeth to find out the information. She ended up falling asleep in my arms on the couch. We went to bed and more or less held each other through the night (though she seemed conflicted about it). On Thursday morning, we agreed that I would give her space and not contact her through the weekend while I was at home. We kissed, and she left. When I landed on Thursday night, I texted her to tell her I got in safe, and asked her to keep an open mind and think about giving us a second chance over the weekend. She said she was so sorry, that she hoped I could enjoy the time with my family, and that "Yes I do want to take this time to think. I want to do the right thing and I want to keep an open mind." Since then, I've realized that I shouldn't have begged or texted, and I am trying not to communicate with her. I only heard from her on Sunday morning (today), when she texted to ask if I would be back Sunday or Monday (I had told her when I left that I would be back Monday). I guess I'm struggling because I don't know what changed or why, and she won't give me answers. She claims that there is no one else, and I have no reason to suspect that there would be. I know that she has been thinking about this for a long time (she is not a rash decision-maker), and she says that she has been feeling this way for "a few months, maybe more." She is unhappy and seems to feel like something is missing, but either can't or won't describe what it is. I know she has been working long hours, and I don't know if that has contributed to her unhappiness. During the last year of our relationship, I went through a period where I had questions and doubts. Part of it was fueled by a lack of excitement and just the monotonous routine that we had gotten into, part of it was fueled by the reality that this is the person I would be with for the rest of my life. I still loved her and did everything I could to make her happy, however. I don't know if she has the same feelings now, or what she is thinking. I feel as though I have been left at the alter. All of a sudden, I don't recognize the person I have shared the last four years of my life with. I think back and can't figure out anything big that I did wrong to cause this. I always cared for her, went out of my way to make her happy and do for her, etc. I know I need to have respect for myself, and that her actions are inexcusable, but at the same time, I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this person. How do I give up on that? I'm trying to follow the no contact advice, and I know that irrespective of what happens when I get home on Monday, we will need to take a break and she will have to move out, but it is all selfishly in an effort to get her to wake up and realize what she's done, and hopefully come back to me. Any thoughts to help interpret what is happening, how I should respond/move forward, etc. would be greatly appreciated.
johnson_j Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 That sucks man. All I could suggest is just give her the space she asks for. I've found that trying to talk those situations out doesn't work too well - unfortunately the women I've dealt with only understand the meaning of "alone" when I'm walking out the door done with the relationship. I would suggest you take this time to reflect on if this is the person you want to spend your life with, given that she seems so willing to up and leave (easier said than done I know). I've always been a fighter in my life, fighting to protect and love the people I love and it's a long lesson to learn that it takes two to fight.
FredJones80 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Any thoughts to help interpret what is happening, how I should respond/move forward, etc. would be greatly appreciated. Damn, what a heart wrencher. Your story somewhat echo's mine which is why I feel the need to post. My long term GF went through the same thing, telling me she didn't know etc, just "feeling" or "emotions" and I never could really pin it down, she gave me 5 different things, none which make much sense, none of which she seemed sure about herself. Sadly it ended up in me moving out, that was 5 weeks ago after 10 years together. Its stomach turning. I hope your situation works out better, all you can do is give her the time to think, if she can't express herself or discuss it there isn't much else you can do but wait. Hope for the best, expect the worst.
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