Stillinlove99 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I love my wife, I always have, and I probably always will...but she cheated and she's leaving me. We've been married for over seventeen years and have 3 children (14, 11, 7). My wife was young (20) when we married and never really felt she could stand on her own after earning her bachelor degree in something fulfilling but not marketable. About 4 years ago she decided to go back to school to learn a trade that would make her very employable. It was what she wanted to do. I supported her emotionally, financially and logistically (carrying a bigger load of the home responsibilities). As she became more immersed in her studies, she became more withdrawn from me. She became less interested in doing things with me or going on dates. I figured it was the stress of all the homework so I didn't make a big deal of it. About two years ago, it came to light that she had developed a close personal relationship with her married instructor. He was eventually fired because of this. They indicated that it was not sexual, but definitely romantic. Frankly, while I imagine that finding out that your spouse has been sexually engaged with another would be painful, for me, discovering that your wife was planning her future with another man she calls her soulmate was a dagger to the heart. They both promised that it was over and they would never see each other again. That did not last. Over the course of several months, while my wife and I were in counseling, they would secretly meet and I would find out. Looking back, I ask myself why I kept taking her back after each one. I love her. It's just that simple. Finally, it ended. Or so I thought. About a year ago, she completed her training and was looking for a job. The "former" paramour approached me with deep contrition and said, his new employer was looking to hire, and my wife would be well suited to work there. Now, for our marriage, this would prove to be a HUGE mistake, but professionally, it was a great opportunity. It really was and I knew it, so I extended trust again and supported her working there. Big mistake. Six months later, we were back in counseling and she eventually came to the conclusion that she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. There is no claim of wanting to me married to him, just not me. Though she has not confirmed it, I believe they are planning to be together. She has neither confirmed nor denied it. He has since separated from his wife and his child custody arrangements exactly match ours. All circumstantial. My wife is not good at communicating her feelings, and has not given me an suitable explanation as to why she is doing this, which is hard for me. While it may seem obvious, I am having a terrible time moving on. I love my wife and she says she loves me. I love my family, I love the life we had. She feels guilty and hates that she has hurt me, but still is moving on. I am not a perfect husband. Over the course of the previous ten years, I lost faith in God and religion and became more cynical on that front, though I am generally a happy and positive guy. She says that, looking back, this spiritual disjoint was a big deal to her. Also, as the financial crisis began, I lost my job and became depressed (acute, not chronic). That lasted for about a year. But I have always loved my wife and supported her. I have never been abusive in any way. I do my share of the housework and I have, for the most part, always been gainfully employed and provided for the family. Always faithful, loyal and proud to be married to her. She would agree with this. I am not sure what I am looking for here. I do know that, as I recount these details, cumulatively, it seems obvious. But step by step, it seemed like something that we could have fixed. I also think that any future relationship between these two, founded in infidelity and borne on the backs of two damaged families, is doomed to failure, and there would be significant collateral damage. That doesn't mean they won't try. I'm a doormat, right?
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You are not a doormat but if you continue to allow this relationship with her former professor to grow you may be. Your self esteem has also taken a hit with your unemployment. Can your wife get a job in her field away from this guy? That would be step 1 for your marriage to survive If you are past that point, talk to a good lawyer. You may be owed alimony for putting her through school & since you are presently unemployed.
No Limit Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You couldn't have fixed it because she didn't want to, and it takes 2 people for a monogamous marriage. She kicked all your efforts into dust by meeting with the OM while you were in counseling. Divorce and move on. 2
Yasuandio Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) Agree with what she wants with this disgraced former professor/instructor. What he did by "getting it on" with his druses was an abuse of power - and likely not the first (or last) time. This was profession - and it is a terrible kind of thing that happens under the radar more than anyone would believe. She will be tossed aside for his next exploit soon enough. Just let go, and wish her a nice life. Think only of yourself now. I recommend the 3-sentence method of Homer McDonald in your case, and his free tapes - apply as needed. Work on your happiness, and begin (get ready now......) dating again immediately. That does not mean sleeping around. That means being in the company of nice women. Coffee dates, lunch, movies. That's all. Chat chat, that things. She'll be back. Go IC so you have a plan. DO NOT take her back in just like that. It never works. Homer Mc and other interesting readings can be found in pinned thread which is also my signature line. Sorry you are here. But LS has many good experienced people with many different viewpoints. Yas Edited May 14, 2014 by Yasuandio 1
Recommended Posts