hilly534 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 soo long story but i met this guy I'm college.. we started hooking up and hanging out all the time. anyway we graduated and still continued to talk and hookup after that. He takes me on dates and well have sex after. anyway this has gone on for almost 2 years now.. theres was a period of like 4 months where we weren't really talking but besides that we have pretty much been together for a while. He's always the one to text me and ask for plans. Hell text me like 4 or 5 times a week and well talk till we fall asleep. Anyway he's awful at communication and every time I've brought up whats our status is, hell give me a really run around answer. He won't say that he just wants a hookup but he won't date me. also I don't want to ask him or give him an ultimatum. He's also shady in some ways to for ex.. he lives at home and will only invite me over if his parents are out of town. The sex is amazing and i really like him so I'm so torn on what to do. I really like having him in my life, but i have no idea where he stands and i hate the idea that i could just be his backup girl cause he has no one else or he's waiting for someone better to come along. I know he's also super attracted to me , so I don't get why after all this time, he won't date me? Why would he string me along all this time when he knows i have feelings for him, and if he's never planning on taking things to the next level.
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 If, after two years, he still hasn't so much as asked you to be his exclusive girlfriend... he's never, ever going to. If you want more than being a hook up, move on from this guy. 10
starrynightz45 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You've made it way too easy for him. He sees you when he wants, he has sex with you when he wants, and when he doesn't - he doesn't! And he has no obligation to you because he's not in a committed relationship with you! No, of course he's not going to want anything when he's already getting what he wants with no strings attached. Your only hope is to either tell him he needs to decide whether he wants a relationship, or cut him off. Then you'll see what his real intentions are with you. It's been almost 2 years. By now he should have figured out whether he wants a relationship or just a hook up. 1
halfcrazed_i Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Cow... free milk... and all that. You know you deserve a lot better than this. You can be with someone that loves you... and have amazing sex with. You don't need to settle for this guy. 1
joystickd Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You've made it way too easy for him. He sees you when he wants, he has sex with you when he wants, and when he doesn't - he doesn't! And he has no obligation to you because he's not in a committed relationship with you! No, of course he's not going to want anything when he's already getting what he wants with no strings attached. Your only hope is to either tell him he needs to decide whether he wants a relationship, or cut him off. Then you'll see what his real intentions are with you. It's been almost 2 years. By now he should have figured out whether he wants a relationship or just a hook up. It's not that she made it easy. He probably doesn't see her as LTR material. He might of in the beginning but something might've changed that opinion and there is the possibility that he may have never seen her that way. Honestly he feels it's better to keep this going than go through the struggle of finding someone new.
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He likes the way things are & won't change. I'm not so worried about you being his back up girl, I'm more worried about what you are giving up while waiting for him. I'd gradually pull away from him. You need to start dating. Since you aren't official with this guy, you are presumably free to date. 1
topaMAXX Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 soo long story but i met this guy I'm college.. we started hooking up and hanging out all the time. anyway we graduated and still continued to talk and hookup after that. He takes me on dates and well have sex after. anyway this has gone on for almost 2 years now.. theres was a period of like 4 months where we weren't really talking but besides that we have pretty much been together for a while. He's always the one to text me and ask for plans. Hell text me like 4 or 5 times a week and well talk till we fall asleep. Anyway he's awful at communication and every time I've brought up whats our status is, hell give me a really run around answer. He won't say that he just wants a hookup but he won't date me. also I don't want to ask him or give him an ultimatum. He's also shady in some ways to for ex.. he lives at home and will only invite me over if his parents are out of town. The sex is amazing and i really like him so I'm so torn on what to do. I really like having him in my life, but i have no idea where he stands and i hate the idea that i could just be his backup girl cause he has no one else or he's waiting for someone better to come along. I know he's also super attracted to me , so I don't get why after all this time, he won't date me? Why would he string me along all this time when he knows i have feelings for him, and if he's never planning on taking things to the next level. Yes, it's possible. I've seen it happen many times in real life. I think you should stick with this guy and see where it goes! That type of chemistry is rare. Don't waste it!
Lyn77 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I know this sounds cliche, but I would try using "No Contact" with him for a while See what happens and how he feels. If he no longer has contact access to you, perhaps he will reveal his true feelings or make effort to become "official" or "exclusive" with you. This type of relationship will leave you feeling empty and constantly questioning where the two of you stand, is that what you want?
Zahara Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He won't say that he just wants a hookup but he won't date me. Why would he string me along all this time when he knows i have feelings for him, and if he's never planning on taking things to the next level. He won't say it's just a hook up because that may send you running the other way and he may lose what he gets from you. He won't date you, well, because he doesn't want to. Why would YOU string you along if YOU know he won't take it to the next level? It's been 2 years. If you have no responsibility towards your own feelings, why should he? And if you are giving it up without a squeak, he's taking that as your acceptance of the situation. He may know you have feelings and that you may want more but if you can't stand by what you want and need and choose to accept whatever he gives you, why would he break a nail about how you feel or what you want? This is not on him. This is on you.
mammasita Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I don't want to ask him or give him an ultimatum I see this as your only option after two years of "the unknown". You're getting when you let him give you. This is all on you, not him.
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Yes, it's possible. I've seen it happen many times in real life. I think you should stick with this guy and see where it goes! That type of chemistry is rare. Don't waste it! You're entitled to your opinion but I entirely disagree. I've never known a couple in real life that blossomed into a relationship from TWO YEARS of fk buddying. If a guy needed more than a month or two of dating me regularly (two or three times a week) to figure out whether he wanted to pursue exclusivity of not I'd be onto the next: you just KNOW if you want to explore a relationship with somebody, even if you want to take it slow. Two years? No chance. He's using you for sex and stringing you along. And this type of chemistry isn't actually all that rare... I used to think it was, until I found it with my first bf, and then my second, and then my third, and fourth. And now fifth. Trust me, I've had to date a LOT of guys I've felt nothing for in between the guys that did suit me, but there are people you'll have a great time with, a sexual spark with, but who will also treat you right and desire to be your one and only and keep anyone else from snapping you up, all over your town alone. 2
ktya Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He takes me on dates and well have sex after. He's always the one to text me and ask for plans. Hell text me like 4 or 5 times a week and well talk till we fall asleep. He won't say that he just wants a hookup but he won't date me. Sounds like he's dating you to me? That's the first thing you said. he lives at home and will only invite me over if his parents are out of town. Maybe he knows that his parents would make it really difficult for the two of you to have sex. Given that you've been having sex for a few years now, it would be kind of awkward for his parents to set you up in the spare room. Some parents are weird like that, they dont want their kids having sex under their roof. The sex is amazing and i really like him I really like having him in my life I know he's also super attracted to me , so I don't get why after all this time, he won't date me? Again you say he "wont date" you but yet he takes you on dates, initiates contact and sets up the plans, talks to you on the phone until you both fall asleep several times per week. You know he is super attracted to you and you really like having him in your life. While I personally like labels because it makes it clearer were you stand, you do seem to be getting most of what you'd want out of a boyfriend sans the label. If I were you I would just keep rolling with it. Going on dates, having sex afterwards, talking on the phone 3-4 times a week until you fall asleep. I doubt there is another girl and I doubt he is looking, if he is he isn't looking very hard. When he references you to his buddies he probably refers to you as his girlfriend. Its just saying it to you thats hard for him. Plus he's still living with his parents, apparently after graduating from college. Maybe before he feels ready to have an official "girlfriend" at this age he feels like he needs to have a decent job and his own place, because he still feels like a teenager getting nattered at by his parents. I take the contrarian view. Stop haranguing him about the label. Keep doing what your doing. Just start initiating more contact yourself. If another girl enters the picture and you get to the point where you're talking to him almost daily, you'll know right away. Then you can have the talk about whether you are just backup girl or the real thing.
deathandtaxes Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 OP - why haven't you brought up exclusivity in the whole two years you've been seeing this guy? 1
bluegreen Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Never gonna happen honey he has trained you all to well for exactly what serves his needs ...
deathandtaxes Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 OP asked if she will ever be official with the guy, so that's why I asked if OP ASKED THE GUY if they were official or not. I don't need some screed, Just the Tip, but a valid answer from OP so we can help her out. And, Just the Tip, it's not tripping out - it's being assertive in life when you can tell somebody 'I just want to date you' and vice versa.
KatZee Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 To each their own, I'm sure your chicks were thrilled you said that / felt that... till you didn't. For me, I don't care about a label (which has zero teeth or meaning) or state the obvious... "I just want to date you (until I don't or you decide you don't)". My actions seem to be more than enough for the women I have decided to enter into a relationship with. OK that's great that YOU don't care about the label and the title, but this thread isn't about you. It's about the OP and asking whether this guy is going to lock it down. If you read her first post it says she has specifically asked him where this is going, what the status is, and instead of saying something reassuring, or letting her know it's a real thing, he hem's and haws. So while your statement about labels and having zero meaning is nice, it really holds no weight here. OP this guy ISN'T going to be "official" with you in any capacity. It's been TWO YEARS. Not two weeks, not two months... two YEARS. If this guy wanted to be your boyfriend, he would be one. It's very obvious what's going on here... he's got a pretty sweet deal, and unfortunately you ARE the fallback girl. There is a reason you have never met his parents, there's a reason he only invites you over when they're not there. You're NOT an "important" part of his life, and you're not someone he is going to introduce his parents to as a girlfriend figure. You're a FWB nothing more, nothing less. He gets the emotional companionship, and free booty whenever he feels like it. Pretty much any guy's dream. He gets all this while contributing NOTHING back to you at all. No commitment, no intertwining of lives, no real partnership at all. If you're looking for that stuff, and looking for a real relationship, it's time to bounce. That's all there is to it. You're not getting what you want from this guy, and come on. I know guys are idiots, but he's not totally stupid. He KNOWS you would love to be in a relationship. Instead, he is just stringing you along, and you really should want more for yourself than this. This is nothing. It's some limbo, quasi-pseudo relationship based on his wants and needs. What about what YOU want and what YOU need? Kid can't even look you in the eye and give you a straight answer. Know why? Because if he did, he'd blow the cover right off this operation he's running, and why would he willingly give up such a perfect set up? This isn't on him. At this point, it's on YOU. You need to get your power back and take control of your life. 2
Phantom888 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 He will NEVER make it official because has no incentive to be official. Here is what will happen to him if he formally becomes your boyfriend: 1) He can only sleep with you. 2) He has to call you and be nice to you. 3) He has to plan his schedule around you. 4) He is obligated to hang out with you over his friends. 5) He has to bring you to family gatherings. 6) He has to be supportive even though he disagrees with you. 7) He has to think about you often, even if he wants to be with someone else. 8) He has to refer to you as his girlfriend. Such a bad deal for him. But if he keeps things as is, and unofficial: 1) He gets free sex from you. 2) He can unload all his emotional garbage on you, for free. 3) He can date anyone and sleep with anyone, whenever. 4) He doesn't have to call you. 5) He can stop contacting you anytime. 6) He can refer to you as whatever he wants, because there is no title. 7) He can be a jerk to you and it's okay. 8) He can be selfish, and never care about your feelings, which is okay. Looking at these reasons, he would have to be a brainless dumb-ass to be official with you. Wouldn't you agree?
somedude81 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 TWO YEARS?! Wow! hilly534, you're about 47 months too late to try and make things comitted with him.
MissBee Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) soo long story but i met this guy I'm college.. we started hooking up and hanging out all the time. anyway we graduated and still continued to talk and hookup after that. He takes me on dates and well have sex after. anyway this has gone on for almost 2 years now.. theres was a period of like 4 months where we weren't really talking but besides that we have pretty much been together for a while. He's always the one to text me and ask for plans. Hell text me like 4 or 5 times a week and well talk till we fall asleep. Anyway he's awful at communication and every time I've brought up whats our status is, hell give me a really run around answer. He won't say that he just wants a hookup but he won't date me. also I don't want to ask him or give him an ultimatum. He's also shady in some ways to for ex.. he lives at home and will only invite me over if his parents are out of town. The sex is amazing and i really like him so I'm so torn on what to do. I really like having him in my life, but i have no idea where he stands and i hate the idea that i could just be his backup girl cause he has no one else or he's waiting for someone better to come along. I know he's also super attracted to me , so I don't get why after all this time, he won't date me? Why would he string me along all this time when he knows i have feelings for him, and if he's never planning on taking things to the next level. You know where he stands....you guys have sex and go out sometimes but you're not his gf. It's pretty straight forward. This happens A LOT. A man can enjoy sex with you and your company but for whatever reason has no interest in being in a relationship with you. Therefore, if a relationship is what you want, don't waste time and invest yourself in a situation going nowhere, for the future, don't just have NSA sex without knowing FIRST where you guys stand. Too many women and girls think sex is a way to get a relationship and really believe that if they are a FWB first they will get promoted...it's usually the opposite frankly. A man who wants you to be his gf will try to "take you off the market", so to speak, pretty early on and he will be clear about this. He won't have sex with you on and off and avoid "the talk" for 2 years....if for months and years you don't know where you stand...that's the answer. In my experience when a man really likes you and is interested, he takes you out, he wants a lot of your time, he wants to make you his gf and he is upfront about it and it doesn't take years for him to figure this out. Hon, you're clutching at straws here when the answer is plain as day. He is fine with the status quo. A man who is into you and wants a real relationship will speak up about it and show you. He isn't stringing you along....you're going along with it and ignoring the reality. 2 years of sex and "dates" and avoiding being official is pretty much obvious what it is and since you keep going along with it, he keeps doing it because he figures it doesn't bother you enough as you've stuck around for 2 years. I've been there done that and would NEVER allow myself to be in such a situation ever again. If you're just FWB and casual fine but don't put up with being used for sex and such when you want a relationship. Allow a man to date you and show you he values you and make you official or walk away....but hanging around having sex with him and so on for years when he hasn't even valued you enough to commit, it is bad on his part, but you also agreed to be treated in that way, so now you have to decide it's not what you want and let it go. But please don't think there is anything confusing here or he is a "bad communicator" or what have you...you're simply making excuses and refusing to see the obvious: he doesn't want a relationship. Edited May 13, 2014 by MissBee 1
BlueIris Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Move on. Find a man who wants a grown up relationship with a future.
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 TWO YEARS?! Wow! hilly534, you're about 47 months too late to try and make things comitted with him. What, she should have gotten with him two years before they started sleeping together? 1
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