AriaCaz Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I don't know if this is the right category - sorry if its not! I've never posted on a forum like this before... I don't quite know where to start... I'm 23, my boyfriend is 25. We've been together 2 months shy of 3 years. He had a reputation as big time "player" I remember being dubious about getting involved with him but I did - best risk I've taken! We we're happy. Then he has a car accident, cutting a really long story short he came around a 3 weeks ago. I'd been at the hospital pretty much day and night but he came around when I was home resting. So I race back to the hospital and.......he doesn't remember me Basically he doesn't remember hardly anything from the last 3 years at all! Health wise he's doing really really good! That's great! I guess its from a relationship point of view i'm just lost! I've kept going to see him as the hospital, I kept hoping his memory would come back but I've just felt in the way! His family are all there, his mum and dad, and he's one of 6 kids so his brothers and sister are there all the time and obviously he remembers them and he's happy to see them, he wants them there, he wants to talk about growing up and their lives prior to 3 years ago. I feel like at the beginning he just tolerated me being there, he doesn't like talking about the stuff he doesn't remember and of course he can do that with his family, act like its all fine, whereas with me (and to be fair his work friends too) he can't hide from what he can't remember and that stresses him out! The best time we've had since he woke up was when It was just me and him for a morning and I told him like how we met and showed him some photos o when we went travelling. He told me as I was leaving that he was sorry, I asked him why, and he just said "For hurting you, cause he didn't mean to" and pointed at the photo of him I feel like....I know this relationship can be great, he doesn't, i'll start from scratch again if that's what it takes. He convinced me to take a risk on us before maybe now its my turn. ...But if he just wants to shut his eyes and go pretend like it never happened then what can I do? If im just making it all harder for him then maybe its me that needs to let go! I.....dunno
PogoStick Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 It's ok if the relationship ends and you have to move on. With that kind of brain injury his personality could change, he could get depression, become violent, anything really. You may find out he's a different person and your old relationship is no longer possible. Give it a shot but take it easy on your feelings. You'll just have to take it a day at a time. Things could end up back to normal after he heals and gets his life back on track. Only time will tell. 1
spiderowl Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'm sorry, what an awful thing to happen. It does look like you are starting again from scratch and that you would want to but it's not clear if he would. I guess he's recovering from major trauma so recovering comes first. He might recover his memory at some point, but you can't guarantee that that will happen. There may be other problems due to brain injury which aren't clear yet. Maybe it would be best to distance yourself for a while, to give you both time to reflect on this. He would have chance to miss you and you would have chance to look after yourself a bit instead of waiting for him to respond to you. Perhaps you could go out with friends and talk to others about the situation who aren't directly involved with the family. Giving him chance to miss you might not be a bad thing. I really feel for you as I know that for you, a whole relationship has been lost and naturally you will be grieving this as well as suffering from the confusion of the bizarre way in which it happened. Maybe it would help you to see a relationship counsellor on your own, someone who can help you work through your feelings. I feel that hanging around your boyfriend and his family is not going to help at the moment.
nerdlingZA Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Stay away from him until his memory comes back,u are only making yourself exhausted and you're only stressing and irritating him by reminding him what he doesn't remember everyday.
veggirl Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Hmmmmm, so he doesn't remember JUST the past 3 years, coincidentally the time you've been with him? Does he remember 4 years ago? What do the doctors say? Surely they have an idea about his memory loss and how long it'll last, so fill us in. Why would he randomly forget the last 3 years and nothing else? Sorry to doubt this story, perhaps you could shed some light. 2
nerdlingZA Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Hmmmmm, so he doesn't remember JUST the past 3 years, coincidentally the time you've been with him? Does he remember 4 years ago? What do the doctors say? Surely they have an idea about his memory loss and how long it'll last, so fill us in. Why would he randomly forget the last 3 years and nothing else? Sorry to doubt this story, perhaps you could shed some light. I'm also skeptical of his this memory loss , if he had memory loss , NO one even the doctors and professors can tell how many years he doesn't remember , that's just absurd.
KatZee Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Sounds like the movie, "The Vow." Car accident, resulting in severe memory loss, victim remembers everyone but the spouse. Hmmm... 2
Strength in Healing Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Well, memory tends to return slowly so I'm sure it will come back to him about you. I'm very sure. That is, if he is telling the truth...
Author AriaCaz Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 @spiderowl It's so hard though! I know like for anything else he'd want me there and It feels like I'm deserting him! And I want to be there as much! It's not even that I'm praying for him to remember, something, anything - I Just want him too look at me like he's pleased to see me! I feel like if he just does that then maybe we've got a shot of working it out! I can read that boy like a book and I see the flash of disappointment that I'm not someone else - his sister or some distant cousin or maybe even the nurse bringing his dinner! That hurts more than I could imagine!
Author AriaCaz Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 @PogoStick Yeah obviously the memory isn't the only results, it's his reading and writing, and I love the guy I do but he was cocky, loveably arrogant, and that's all gone too but I feel like that might be more down to the shock of what's happened. There's lots of little things that aren't the same, but he still looks the same, same eyes, same cheeky grin, pulls the same puppy-dog-eyes eyebrow trick when he needs it. Still talks the same, laughs the same. I just wanted him to wake up so much! I prayed for that and I'm not even religious! And now I've got my wish, he'll live,...ut Ro me he's still the man I'm head over heels crazy I love with and he looks at me like a stranger!
Author AriaCaz Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 @veggirl @nerdlingZA @KatZee @Strength in Healing Not just the last three years, I couldn't tell you how good his memory is on the rest of his life because I wasn't there, I think it's shaky, but he remembers enough that's the thing, sure there'll be chatting and he'll say he doesn't remember something or someone but they adjust switch subject and hit on something he does remember...I'm know doctor but all I can see is he seems to have enough to fill in the gaps. Which is what he doesn't have with me, no flashes or anything! No one knows exactly how big ths complete blank is, I know that it's at least the three years since I've known him because e doesn't remember me, he doesn't remember his job, his dream job, or his work colleagues, he doesn't remember us moving to where we live now so he could take his job or any of our friends we made here! All he keeps saying is he doesn't know why he's here and he wants to go home and by that he mearns back to Ireland where his family live. Doctors, doctors saved his life I can't say fairer than that but now they don't know, he could get it back tommorrow, or in 6 months or never! Your basically guessing on averages everyone's different. How can I just stay away like that!? He's the man I thought I'd marry, have a family with, grow old with. I thought he was the guy. And he still is him, he just doesn't look at me like he did! I wish it was damn movie! I wish I had a 140min running time and after that i knew id get a happy ever after! But I don't it's just endless limbo.
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I'd stay & support him, even as his friend. If you abandon him now, when he does regain his memory your dissapearance will hurt. TBIs heal at different stages. Ask someone at the hospital to point you to a support group. 2
Author AriaCaz Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 I'd stay & support him, even as his friend. If you abandon him now, when he does regain his memory your dissapearance will hurt. TBIs heal at different stages. Ask someone at the hospital to point you to a support group. This is it, no one knows what or when he might remember. I really really don't want to abandon him, its just hard to be there for him, I don't really know how! Especially with current talk of him going back to Ireland as soon as he's fit enough. I might well have a look into some support groups or something!
Koopa Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 what is this? Days of our lives fan fiction? maybe he is just trying to pull off an elaborate hoax to get rid of you by faking memory loss when you are around.
Author AriaCaz Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 what is this? Days of our lives fan fiction? maybe he is just trying to pull off an elaborate hoax to get rid of you by faking memory loss when you are around. Yeah that's it What's even the point..
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 AriaCaz -- Can you be there but not daily if it is too much for you? What do the doctors say? Is it safe to try to job his memory by showing him pictures of you two together, making his favorite food (Scent memory is really powerful)?
Shepp Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 You made this dude fall in love with you once right? Time to do it again, you can't use the past to help you cause he doesn't remember, you just need to start over!
Treasa Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Don't force anything on him. He might be making this up, or this could be real. But if he isn't interested in trying, I don't think you should push the issue.
Tayla Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Its absolutely medically feasible. Be there if you want. I know i would! Put yourself in his shoes, and then maybe understand that he is not choosing this, his injury is real. And not all head injuries create the jekyl/hyde persona. Maybe you can speak to the nursing staff for literature or be referred to their social staff worker. Sometimes you simply need that guidance to make an informed accessment.
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