minniemouse25 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 ok i will try and make this short.... bf and i together 5 years..living together going on 3 years. he always said 5 years to get engaged through out our whole relationship but then be like "not happening to family"...i questioned him 2-3 years ago about this..he said he just said that to his family because always ask..and we will one day. Now last couple years i will admit he talks about getting married and having kids on his own at times. We thought last christmas he was going to propose because he kept saying to my family "she never got her ring..yet"...now he never said that stuff to anyone..he would cringe when family would talk about marriage like i said above. But now he like when we haves kids/married.... what bugs me though is other day we were eating dinner he randomly says "you will get your ring one day don't worry"...im like "um why you saying that?.i told you before stop bringing it up until your proposing..and i know not pushing you because not the same..you feel pressured?"...he is like "haha i knew it would bug you and nope i don't feel pressure but even if i was you be getting a ring when im ready"...what does that mean?! been on my mind all week...like if he not "ready"....why the hell does he act like he wants to get married then say "when im ready"..or "eventually". I want to talk to him about this but don't know how to without coming off as pushing..because i am not..just want to know wether he meant he is ready but just not financially or if he meant..he still unsure about me after 5 years!??? im so mad at myself for feeling this way but ..he shouldn't dangle the carrot if he not serious... i know he loves me but how am i suppose to know he just settling or not because he did say "when im ready"...shouldn't he be ready by now!
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 my boyfriend was telling me at his work he told his frds we are engaged to be engaged and one of his frds said he better be invited to our wedding. So asked him why they talking about that stuff they are guys.. he says because jack was just saying because he knows me for so long he better be invited to our wedding. So im like "oookk so technically we are engaged!..you did say engaged to be engaged".my boyfriend says "no way..we are not engaged".... seeeeee what he does!!!!!!
Strength in Healing Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 How old are you two? No offense... I will help after I know that info
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 i just sat my boyfriend down and talked about everything ..got everything off my chest, i figured we need to communicate or else everything will be bitter eventually. i talked to him before but not as open like tonight i guess. This is how it went: I asked him when he said he would propose when he was "ready" the other day..what did you mean..did you mean your unsure?..he was like "huh? i did not say i was not ready or unsure"..im like "yeah you did or thats what i thought"..then boyfriends says "if we could be engaged right now we would...but i need money and i want my car fixed and stuff before..get that out of the way then it will be all you after that"(think he meant he will focus on the RING?)...so i basically told him "im not trying to make it all about me..im just trying to figure out if we are for sure on same page and im not pressuring you..i want you to propose because you want too..i want the ring and all a surprise but most important thing is..you want it too"..and he is like "yeah"..then i said "i would like to be married by 27"..he like "yahh around there then a year max for kids"...but i want two years of marriage..im terrified of pregnancy/birth im convinced i will die(whole other story)lol Anyways so we got talking about other stuff then im like "soo your car how long take you and how much?"..he like not long hopefully done by end of summer..i got vacation money from work..thats 1500...i could use half for my car and for something else..*i gave him a wtf look*..he then says "not for a ring..could be something else"...i could have car fixed and souped up earlier..how fast you want me to do it?...im like "why you asking me?...do whatever you want lol" (i kinda think he wanted me to say "do it as fast as he can" so he could go get me a ring..but not telling him that..he gotta do it himself lol what you think ..will it happen soon? i actually remember months before this conversation he said to me " once my car is done i plan on giving you money and saving and stuff"..,maybe that was his way of telling me or hinting it coming??!?
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 hello???, i know its long but would appreciate opinions/advice
FitChick Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Call his bluff. Tell him you don't want a big wedding, you want to run off somewhere and elope so will only need a plain wedding band. He's stalling. I think you should move out (do you work?) and live with housemates if you have to. Tell him the romance is gone and you want to start dating again, or, if you want to be really mean, tell him you both should start dating other people while still seeing each other. Why should he marry you? He has everything he wants now including control over you. You should be having fun at this time of your life and not be tied down in a marriage.
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) thanks for the advice:) He doesn't want a cheap wedding, he is the type of person that has to have the best..with everything. he did say at one point he would like for us to go to court house but he wants huge reception because bbq reception (what i want) is tacky. so we came to conclusion that 5000 dollar wedding would be max when time comes but i just got alittle insecure when he said "when he ready or wants too" recently so decided to ask him what the hell and to explain. I already done research over the years and know where we could have our wedding and reception...for cheap but not tacky like he says bbq wedding reception is lol i do not want to give a ultimatum because i do love him very much..it will be very very hard for me to leave. I guess i will have to trust him that it will happen soon when he has some money...which i think by sounds of it will happen after he finishes his car end of summer beginning of fall...i mean if we get married by 27...and he wants kids before 30..it has to happen very soon so we can save. 27 is only two years away for me at least. he must want to spend rest of his life with me because he talks about us having kids more then marriage..and his family considers me their in law already. Its very hard to know what to do because he is an amazing guy, he treats me like a princess, cooks/cleans..always there for me so to give up something like that.,.over a ring and paper would be wrong but at same time..i want that wedding...see im stuck!!! Edited May 12, 2014 by minniemouse25
Emilia Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 hello???, i know its long but would appreciate opinions/advice People aren't posting because they don't want to offend you. He has been stringing you along for 5 years. How much longer are you prepared to wait? 5
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 i think he is telling the truth but if he finishes his car and no sign of engagement not long after...i will have a long talk again and if he says another excuse...well i might just leave but its going to be very hard :/
Emilia Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 i think he is telling the truth but if he finishes his car and no sign of engagement not long after...i will have a long talk again and if he says another excuse...well i might just leave but its going to be very hard :/ The thing is, if you are able to establish that he is only stringing you along and is effectively lying to you, it's not someone you would want to be with anyway. What kind of person lies about something that's so important to their partner?
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Stop talking to him about what the wedding will look like. Start discussing your vision of a happy marriage. The wedding is one over priced day; the marriage should be a lifetime. If you talk about marriage & your pregnancy fears he will understand that you care about what's important: the marriage rather than the show: the ring & the wedding day. FWIW, you may want to reassess your budget. You said he's the type that wants the best & wouldn't want a cheap wedding but your budget is $5,000. In certain places, that is no where near enough money for a modest wedding. In other places it will get you something lavish. Just make sure you understand costs before setting a max budget or you will increase your stress. 2
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Stop talking to him about what the wedding will look like. Start discussing your vision of a happy marriage. The wedding is one over priced day; the marriage should be a lifetime. If you talk about marriage & your pregnancy fears he will understand that you care about what's important: the marriage rather than the show: the ring & the wedding day. FWIW, you may want to reassess your budget. You said he's the type that wants the best & wouldn't want a cheap wedding but your budget is $5,000. In certain places, that is no where near enough money for a modest wedding. In other places it will get you something lavish. Just make sure you understand costs before setting a max budget or you will increase your stress. He knows my pregnancy fears and he knows i could careless for the ring..i told him we could buy plastic ring doesn't matter..i perfer just immediate family but he wants everyone and yes i know a place because of his sister that had her wedding around 5000..at howard johnson hotel. 2000 for venue/food/chapel..then other 300 on extra stuff n if you do it yourself it can be done:)...she had 100 people and looked like a fancy wedding because she had banquet hall and all. lol i done alot of research because i like to plan and not stress so i pretty much have our wedding planned..just nothing booked ...
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You are putting the cart before the horse then. You are setting up deadlines: 5 years dating, married before 27. When you start to fear he won't meet your deadlines you get upset. On some levels it's hard not to but you have to back down a bit. Act like you are happy in the relationship just the way it is. If he doesn't propose by this time next year, sit him down, propose to him. Otherwise, there is no sense continuing.
clia Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 After he fixes his car up, he will find another reason to stall. He may be wonderful, but he isn't acting like a guy who is dying to marry you. The conversation you had has merely given him another two years to string you along. I agree that you two need to have a discussion about the marriage as opposed to a discussion about the wedding. 1
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 After he fixes his car up, he will find another reason to stall. He may be wonderful, but he isn't acting like a guy who is dying to marry you. The conversation you had has merely given him another two years to string you along. I agree that you two need to have a discussion about the marriage as opposed to a discussion about the wedding. but what if he is telling the truth? how am i to know??? i hate being in this situation:/ i don't want to pressure him if he really means what he says...maybe i should have told him yes to finish his car fast when he asked me if he should get his car done quick or not. idk..more i talk im still confused he knows if he wants a baby there has to be marriage...he always saying when we have kids..and makes fun of his other brother saying at least he will have children and his brother won't because he is to old now and girlfriendless. thats when i always say ..yeahh if we are married its two way street..you want a baby..we need to get married. really hope nothing else gets in way after his car or i will flip for him lying to me!
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 How can i call him bluff without sounding like im pressuring or typical? this is really bugging me now..to the point i am extremely moody..and i hate it..like if he really wants to marry me whyyy can't we get engaged now...ugh i should asked him that yesterday.. im so exhausted, i know he loves m and all but this is very important to me..and the fact he said he wants to "fix and finish souping up his car"..,.makes me mad..his car is more important!??? like i know he has serious issues with his car that needs to be done..but the turbo part..thats a waste of money :/ ughh idk anymore i really don't... and today he is sweet ..he notices somethings wrong and keeps asking me and hugging me and stuff...but deep down..im frustrated still
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 like i don't understand..he is comfortable talking about or marriage/wedding most the time..we even had conversation about getting engagement photos..he was saying he knew someone that could do them and stuff but then he comes off with "i want my car stuff out of the way first before we do anythinh else...unless you want me to do my car faster..should i take my whole vacation pay and just do it all in july or take half for parts then other half for something else.....not a ring..something else"..(i can't tell him what to do?!).ummmm am i important??!!!!! he said his car is his first girl ..... ughh more i talk about it...the more i get mad....whyyyyy didn't i say something when he said that instead of feeling like poo today!
halfcrazed_i Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 The fact of the matter is -- he won't be proposing unless he's ready for it. If he does cave in to the pressure around him (which includes you too, although I know you're deliberately not doing it), he might end up resenting you. If it's really important for you to get married, there's a big chance you're with the wrong guy. And pushing him to take that step can only make things ugly. If he's more important to you than getting married... then wait for him. He's a guy. They don't really have the same "timeline" that women have. And they have different issues about these things. I think it's time you think of what your priorities are -- staying with this guy, or getting married? I have a feeling you can't get both at this point in time. 1
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 The fact of the matter is -- he won't be proposing unless he's ready for it. If he does cave in to the pressure around him (which includes you too, although I know you're deliberately not doing it), he might end up resenting you. If it's really important for you to get married, there's a big chance you're with the wrong guy. And pushing him to take that step can only make things ugly. If he's more important to you than getting married... then wait for him. He's a guy. They don't really have the same "timeline" that women have. And they have different issues about these things. I think it's time you think of what your priorities are -- staying with this guy, or getting married? I have a feeling you can't get both at this point in time. But shouldn't he know if he wants to be married to me by now...just sucks im tired of mind games..i told him yesterday him bringing it up like its going to happen soon is like me saying im going to him im going to buy you a mustang...then nothing...its teasing...and i mean i don't care for the damn ring..he knows that but he insists on the ring to be real and stuff. if he loved me like he says wouldn't he want to marry me regardless not after his first girl aka car!
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 No he doesn't know if he wants to marry you yet. You have been thinking about this for 5 years. He put if off 5 years ago thinking that was practically a life time away & he had years to come to terms with the fact that he is becoming an adult. It's really hard but the more you push, the more unattractive you become. Either find a way to make peace with the fact that this will happen on his timetable, not yours or give him an ultimatum but be prepared for him to pick No thanks because nobody likes to be pressured.
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 maybe i am being silly because he does talk about us having kids and called me wife material...so must have marriage on his mind:)
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 You're not being silly. What he's saying is positive & encouraging. You're excited. You just need to find a way to back down & let him come to you. In the months before my husband proposed I was chomping at the bit too.
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 (edited) You're not being silly. What he's saying is positive & encouraging. You're excited. You just need to find a way to back down & let him come to you. In the months before my husband proposed I was chomping at the bit too. thanks:) yeah i do get really excited when he mentions marriage and stuff but like alittle to excited so told him he has to not bring it up until it happens because its kinda like dangling a carrott when he does..because sometimes he brings it up just to get a rise out of me because he knows i hate it if its not going to happen soon. So i did tell him to keep quiet as long as i know it will be soon..on his time..i want to be a surprise then we are good.. The conversation the other day was just to clarify what he meant by "ready"(im a tad insecure)...and before i could finish the question he says "wth? i never said i was not ready...you need to stop over thinking..if i could be engaged i would be right now but perfer to get my car out of the way..my first girl u know lol then its all you babe"....which i do i need to stop over thinking. and i been telling him since day one..the ring can cheap or plastic i do not care as long as im your wife..we could get married in the bathroom thats how much idc...and he always said no he has to be the one to propose and he wants to get me a nice ring not something that will break and our wedding has to be at least 4000-5000...his sister had banquet reception for that much..we are just lucky we live in small town and hotel here has amazing banquet hall/chaple for cheap compared to anywhere else:) ...yeah..i overreacted alittle yesterday on here ..i need to chill and it will happen soon..just need to relax:) Edited May 14, 2014 by minniemouse25 1
Author minniemouse25 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 ohh and another thing, last night he showed me a video on facebook, one of his friends posted a video proposing to his girlfriend and he was smiling and watching whole thing..couple years ago he would never do that...and he was telling me he his friend got the ring from spence diamonds..it was 4000 dollars but got this payment plan where takes a year to pay off and you just get the fake ring for now..so im like "yeah i know about that..and wow the ring does look real..if or when you decide..just so you know it does not have to be 4000 dollars and i wouldn't care if its plastic." he didn't say anything but just kept watching the video and smiling.. im like to myself "yess maybe he is not afraid of marriage!" lol... anyways thanks everyone who gave advice...
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