Goodbye Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) Feel like I've told my story too many times so here is the minimalist version: Started communicating with ex from university days with whom I had a serious relationship during a time when we both served on an Alumni committee together. This was in fall 2011. Winter 2012, he tells me his wife filed for divorce and he is now living in one of his rental units...this is a very long distance thing, hard to verify facts, and stupidly didn't think that was necessary. Confides in me about wife's decision to leave him, how they'd lived as "friends" for 4 years prior to this...same old story, only in my mind it wasn't anything but totally unique. Our R became physical in Summer 2012...met up with him 4 times, for several days each time while he was travelling. I start to press him on things early 2013 and he confesses that his wife didn't file, and doesn't have any real "issues" with the marriage, but upholds his story that they are "just friends, not physical." I go crazy on him, become depressed and all over the place for several months after this...posting way too much on here and going through phases of wanting to tell his wife out of a combination of guilt and anger. NC starts in March 2013. ExMM breaks NC at various times throughout 2013, sometimes by phone, sometimes email...always very dramatic professions of undying love and how I don't "understand how HARD it is for him" to divorce as he has a child (this to a divorce mom of 3). In February 2013 he sends me mail to my home address and for the first time I break NC by contacting his wife and telling her of the affair. He disappears for a while and then his wife contacted me wanting to meet up to discuss the affair with him present. Spoke with her more, gave her some data but declined to meet and that was that...or so I thought. Problem is, it got me thinking. I'd had some success at getting him out of my mind, but since April, I've been processing the whole mess. The past two days I've been reading over hundreds of emails he sent. From the perspective of not having been with exMM in over a year, I am shocked at how transparent his lies were. I'm an educated and observant woman...reading these emails makes my blood boil now as they were so clearly filled with sh*t. I never liked the term "affair bubble," but I must have been in one or on drugs or something because reading over those makes me feel like a complete idiot. I'd confront him at times about why he couldn't talk to me and he'd come up with stupid excuses and now it is SO obvious he was with his poor wife who was also being completely duped. I used to refer to him as a masterful liar. Reading back now, he doesn't look masterful at all...he looks like a transparent bullsh*tter. I must have been vulnerable, or desperate or depressed or stupid. These realizations have chipped away any lasting "feelings" I may have buried down deep for this man. Re-reading all of his profound love letters made me want to puke and didn't trigger any feelings of nostalgia...so this is a step in the right direction. However, reading them did make me feel horribly about myself. I feel ashamed that I had so much hope, thought I was going to marry him. What an awful waste of three years of emotional energy. He is a gross disgusting person. And I'm the moron who went merrily along with him. Thanks for letting me vent. Edited May 11, 2014 by Goodbye 13
snappytomcat Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 don't beat yourself up,he sounds like a master manipulator,i think you should burn all his letters,and erase all emails of the b*stard,and be gentle with yourself,and take care of yourself 2
Hope Shimmers Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Don't be hard on yourself. Instead be glad that you didn't end up with this man (using the term loosely), and feel sorry for his poor wife. Also, be glad you didn't waste more like ten years on him (like me) instead of just three. 1
Author Goodbye Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 don't beat yourself up,he sounds like a master manipulator,i think you should burn all his letters,and erase all emails of the b*stard,and be gentle with yourself,and take care of yourself Yeah, it would make sense to delete that crap but it is also a good reality check in case I ever feel wistful.
Devastated1969 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Goodbye, I feel exactly the same way as you... So blind to what was in front of my eyes, he wasn't really separated from his wife in the way he told me. I believed him, I was stupid and completely taken in by his lies and cr@p. I still struggle to accept the situation and that he could do something like that to both his wife and me.. I can't believe I was so in love with someone who I thought I knew but really didn't know AT ALL. Chin up hun, we have dodged a bullet. Take care x 2
PurpleCardigan Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Goodbye, I feel exactly the same way as you... So blind to what was in front of my eyes, he wasn't really separated from his wife in the way he told me. I believed him, I was stupid and completely taken in by his lies and cr@p. I still struggle to accept the situation and that he could do something like that to both his wife and me.. I can't believe I was so in love with someone who I thought I knew but really didn't know AT ALL. Chin up hun, we have dodged a bullet. Take care x ^^^This. Add me to the list, too. 1
movingon45 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Be kind to yourself. Think of it as looking at him with a different lens. Of course in the past you wore a different lens, but now you know better. Congratulations for being out of the fog. I wonder though if you'll have or if you've had a relapse?? I, too, can see my ExMM clearly now and though I don't want him anymore after I ended our A I still find myself missing him.
KaliLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I like the whole post except the part where you call yourself a moron. As Snappy said above, it sounds like he is a master manipulator and he tricked you into believing that he was separated from his wife and in the process of getting divorced, and you had no reason not to believe that. HE is the ****ty person here, not you. You could have kept things going after you found out he was married. Lots of people do..but you were strong and you kicked him to the curb, and then you told his wife. I have nothing but admiration for you. 4
gettingstronger Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Your post makes me sad- it sounds like his actions are causing you to doubt your own- remember that you are looking back with the benefit of knowing who he really is- I don't think that taking someone at face value means you were being a "moron"-I think that until we encounter someone like this man we tend to believe that people are not out to door harm-cut yourself a break- 2
Mickey1982 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Read the emails one last time, absorb the bs in them and delete the account. Those emails used to be my lifeline. All the feelings, hopes and plans. After the affair ended, I read them in disbelief that it all ended. Then I started to see the manipulative, poor me, excuses in them. Reading them angered me. Angered me because I could see how flimsy it all was. Nothing firm, nothing that said he deserved the faith I had in him. Once that set in, what's the point? I didn't want to keep memories I was ashamed of, memories of who I was during that time, and memories of his duplicity. When I deleted my email, it was the final act of telling myself none of it was true. None of it would happen. Most importantly, I was ok with it. I didn't want him or any memories of him. I felt relieved. Delete it all. Like you, I did the right thing of telling his wife for the right reason... Her. You've done your best so let it all go. RW---when were you finally ready to get rid of all the e-mails? How long after it ended? I am still holding on to close to 100 e-mails, pictures and the worst of it---about 10 voice mails which I can't bear to listen to but don't have the courage to delete. And, as Waverly asked, what about the other 'stuff'? Material things that remind you of him? Well, for me, forget that stuff---I am probably looking at years before I can get rid of jewelry, stuffed animals, books, tee-shirts that still have a slight smell of him, even hotel room keys or wine bottle corks. It would kill me to toss them now. OK, so I'm totally pathertic, right?
Author Goodbye Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 I got rid of most of the stuff. I do still have emails, they actually serve a purpose in my healing now. But, the gifts and cards I threw out. I had forgotten about one sweatshirt of his I had and my daughter came down wearing it over the weekend. She was puzzled when I shreaked and made her give it to me. It went out in the trash this morning. 1
Mickey1982 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I got rid of most of the stuff. I do still have emails, they actually serve a purpose in my healing now. But, the gifts and cards I threw out. I had forgotten about one sweatshirt of his I had and my daughter came down wearing it over the weekend. She was puzzled when I shreaked and made her give it to me. It went out in the trash this morning. Good for you---darn, I wish I could be so strong!
Owl Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Goodbye, your post above is an excellent example of why a lot of folks don't believe in "affair fog" until/unless they've experienced it themselves. It's hard to see where you've made irrational, illogical decisions when you're making them...much easier to see it "from the outside" much later after the fact. I'm sorry that you've gone through the rough times...but it sounds like you're headed in the right direction! 3
Author Goodbye Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 Your post makes me sad- it sounds like his actions are causing you to doubt your own- remember that you are looking back with the benefit of knowing who he really is- I don't think that taking someone at face value means you were being a "moron"-I think that until we encounter someone like this man we tend to believe that people are not out to door harm-cut yourself a break- Well, this situation certainly has changed me and it has made me doubt myself. I'm healing but bitter. I have a close friend who is divorced and joined some matchmaking service. Every time she tells me about anyone I challenge her on all the facts. She says I'm jaded and damaged. I think she is right. 1
GreySkyMorning Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 RW---when were you finally ready to get rid of all the e-mails? How long after it ended? I am still holding on to close to 100 e-mails, pictures and the worst of it---about 10 voice mails which I can't bear to listen to but don't have the courage to delete. And, as Waverly asked, what about the other 'stuff'? Material things that remind you of him? Well, for me, forget that stuff---I am probably looking at years before I can get rid of jewelry, stuffed animals, books, tee-shirts that still have a slight smell of him, even hotel room keys or wine bottle corks. It would kill me to toss them now. OK, so I'm totally pathertic, right? Nope, not pathetic. You'll get there one day, I promise. It took me a long time and even now, I still have one thing left that he gave me. I love wine, love trying new ones. For my birthday the first year, he went to a winery in his town, tried wines until he found one I'd like and brought me a gift set with a bottle of it and two wine glasses in a basket. I still have the glasses and the empty bottle (we drank the wine in bed that night together), but they're stuck in the back of a cabinet that I never open. I'll get rid of them one day soon too. Everything else went pretty quickly once I woke up. The texts went right away. They hurt too much to look at, yet it hurt so bad to think about never seeing his words again. I sobbed while I was deleting them. But the relief I felt afterwards was amazing. What is pathetic is that I still had a washcloth tucked away that he'd used in the shower at my house. It smelled like him. I finally threw it away a couple months ago along with cleaning out our "toy" drawer. Even more pathetic, I sold my car this week and when they came to pick it up, I cried like a baby while they were driving it away. It was one more link to him. He's never seen my new car and never will. It'll come, one day. Take it easy on yourself. Everyone is right. The fog clears a little more every day.
GreySkyMorning Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Well, this situation certainly has changed me and it has made me doubt myself. I'm healing but bitter. I have a close friend who is divorced and joined some matchmaking service. Every time she tells me about anyone I challenge her on all the facts. She says I'm jaded and damaged. I think she is right. I can relate. I definitely lost a huge part of my "innocence" in this whole thing. I'll never look at love the same way again. I really hope that changes one day. Please don't let yourself doubt yourself so much. You've come so far. We all have. 1
gettingstronger Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Goodbye and Greysky- me too and I am a BS-I, like you, see reason for doubt pretty much every place- for a while it spilled over in to my work and friendships-not a good thing- it bothers me that I can be so affected by the actions of others but each day I try to do a bit better than the day before- I still have days when I feel like the "moron" but I have to remember, sadly its the good parts of me-the fact I trust and love easily that were taken advantage of and try to preserve those things while still protecting myself-not an easy task, but necessary for happiness- 1
Mickey1982 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Nope, not pathetic. You'll get there one day, I promise. It took me a long time and even now, I still have one thing left that he gave me. I love wine, love trying new ones. For my birthday the first year, he went to a winery in his town, tried wines until he found one I'd like and brought me a gift set with a bottle of it and two wine glasses in a basket. I still have the glasses and the empty bottle (we drank the wine in bed that night together), but they're stuck in the back of a cabinet that I never open. I'll get rid of them one day soon too. Everything else went pretty quickly once I woke up. The texts went right away. They hurt too much to look at, yet it hurt so bad to think about never seeing his words again. I sobbed while I was deleting them. But the relief I felt afterwards was amazing. What is pathetic is that I still had a washcloth tucked away that he'd used in the shower at my house. It smelled like him. I finally threw it away a couple months ago along with cleaning out our "toy" drawer. Even more pathetic, I sold my car this week and when they came to pick it up, I cried like a baby while they were driving it away. It was one more link to him. He's never seen my new car and never will. It'll come, one day. Take it easy on yourself. Everyone is right. The fog clears a little more every day. YOU are so very strong. I hold onto everything as if it is gold beacuse it is irreplaceable. I know I'm holding onto that dream that will never be, but I guess all I can say is that I am not ready. I SHOULD BE, but I'm NOT. His silence has shown me that he does not want me in his life. He has not chosen me. I know that, but I can't get rid of these darn pieces that I have of him. sigh.
RickFox Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Never hold onto something/someone who has no desire to hold onto you. Easier said than done but when you step back and see how the pining and wishing and wanting and wondering wastes your time and energy, you realize what's been wasted, how much energy. Took me enough time.....don't waste more of yours. 5
Soverysad123 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Never hold onto something/someone who has no desire to hold onto you. Easier said than done but when you step back and see how the pining and wishing and wanting and wondering wastes your time and energy, you realize what's been wasted, how much energy. Took me enough time.....don't waste more of yours. I love what you have written. Very true. I need to keep reminding myself of this.
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