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Romantic Love vs. Committed Love, food for thought.

FredJones80

By FredJones80
in General Relationship Discussion

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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First I apologize for saying it's an attribute for women mostly. I should not generalize like that. Guess it's the hurt talking. I know everyone is different and I should be better than that. Stupid break up emotions.

 

Hey Fred. Good question. I'll apply my situation to it. Looking back at my post, I guess it was easier to just blame her but thinking harder and without emotion it goes deeper than that. Roller-coaster ride still goin...

 

It's hard to say if she is to blame or not. I think it's more the whole nature vs nuture argument. On one hand, she is an adult and should recognize the difference between reality and fantasy and the false and unrealist view of love society places on us. (her favorite tv channel is Lifetime, go figure haha). But nobody can the deny the influence society has on us. It affects some more than others for different reasons. On the other hand, we are all products of our past/childhood and she is no different. She was coddled pretty much her whole life by her parents and experienced certain things that made her the way she is. She experienced things as child at home and saw things in regards to her parents marriage that influence how she views relationships should work. I could go into detail but I won't. I think seeing how her parents relationship played out, especially as a child, created her idea of what an ideal relationship should be...a perfect one with the "one" that would eliminate doubt and problems that need to be worked through. Having Hollywood or the media or what have you feed into this certainly exacerbated her idea of "fairytale" relationships.

 

Here is my psychoanalysis regarding my ex and this topic. Take it for what it's worth...

 

For her I think it comes down to a lack of perspective that could help her get past the unrealistic view I think she has. To mature as an adult IMO, different perspectives are needed and should be sought out. There isn't just one way of doing things. She lacked perspective due to her lack of friends and lack of life experience (she has lived at home all her 28 yrs/same as her older brother). She was pretty much always in a relationship. The perspective she got was always the same one...her family. Though it is important for your family to always be there for you, their perspective is a biased one...and not the only one. Like you said, the more often you hear the same thing, the more likely you are to believe it. I don't think her parents (mom in particular, I have good reason for this) ever encouraged her to spread her wings. For example, when she would have doubts (not just about us) she wouldn't be encouraged to question them for reason...giving up was just easier than dealing. Everything seemed to be on the surface. Things were black and white for her. Though she is very conditioned by the world around us, I think it has more to do with her upbringing/homelife. So in her case, I think it would be nuture helped along by nature.

 

It doesn't annoy me but it does frustrate me (frustration and hurt and disappointment talking in my original post). It also saddens me. I don't blame her, I love her and accepted her. I am also to blame as I do recognize my failures in our relationship. I do get annoyed though that her parents never encouraged her to go out and experience life on her own so she can build character and a better sense of self.

 

I had thoughts that this may become a bit of an issue in the relationship. I tried to encourage (mostly by doing them together) her to try new things, seek new experiences, make and spend time with friends. It may sound selfish of me, but it excited me that I would be there with her when she experienced all these great things life has to offer. I don't really know if she truly appreciated or saw the benefit of it. I wasn't necessarily trying to change her, I was just trying to introduce her to all these new things. I don't want to sound like I knew better either. I just know the benefit of having these things in my life and wanted to share them with her. If she rejected them, so be it. She would often thank me for it. Either way, I still accepted her for who she was and never did I push anything on her. I am rambling now...

 

My guess and my experience is that some are more prone to believing the fantasy due to their makeup caused by their past. I may be wrong. I may be over analyzing. But whatever.

 

I am not saying this to assign fault to her or for it to be a detriment to her. She is who she is. Nobody is perfect, including myself.

 

Ironically, saying all this is actually giving me perspective!

 

I still miss her and love her immensely. I would give anything to just to hold her again. Crap, now I think I might cry.

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FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

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I think seeing how her parents relationship played out, especially as a child, created her idea of what an ideal relationship should be...a perfect one with the "one" that would eliminate doubt and problems that need to be worked through. Having Hollywood or the media or what have you feed into this certainly exacerbated her idea of "fairytale" relationships.

 

No, definitely, you're right. Another perspective to take is people tend to repeat their parents faults or basically it colors their view of life.

 

Ie; if her parents went through divorce, break up, many partners blah blah, she will see that as the "norm" and more likely to repeat etc.

 

It doesn't make it any easier to accept and doesn't remove any blame from either party but someone's history, upbringing and past does have a large influence on their future and their adult life.

 

With this I'm starting to accept my ex's reasons more as there are other factors at play which are out of our control. As I said, it isn't easier, but it may allow you to forgive more no matter how hard this is.

 

giving up was just easier than dealing

 

Unfortunately some people are like this, its fight or flight and unfortunately some people choose flight :(

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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It's amazing how much our homelife/upbringing makes us who we are, isn't it?

 

Ie; if her parents went through divorce, break up, many partners blah blah, she will see that as the "norm" and more likely to repeat etc

 

Agreed. I also think you either follow the "norm" as you put it or do the complete opposite to avoid what looks like a terrible relationship from the outside, which is what I think she does.

 

With this I'm starting to accept my ex's reasons more as there are other factors at play which are out of our control. As I said, it isn't easier, but it may allow you to forgive more no matter how hard this is.

 

Coming to realize certain things is definitely making me forgive her. But it also makes me want her more in a way. I want to help and help her be happy. I know I cannot unless she, herself wants that. It contributes a lot to my sadness.

 

Unfortunately some people are like this, its fight or flight and unfortunately some people choose flight :(

 

It is unfortunate and it makes me feel unimportant to her or that I was never really special. It's just who she is and unfortunately, she can't help it. I am afraid she may never have a long successful relationship. :(

learning_slowly Established Member

learning_slowly

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Unfortunately some people are like this, its fight or flight and unfortunately some people choose flight :(

 

So take solace that you are not with them. Usually there will be tough times in life and you don't want someone like that then.

 

Hopefully we'll all find a person that's reciprocally there for us.

 

Just use this as a learning episode. In alot of ways, I'm glad my breakup happened, otherwise I may never have grown up :)

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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In alot of ways, I'm glad my breakup happened, otherwise I may never have grown up :)

 

Good point. If this didn't happen, I may have never been able to truly see my faults and truly learn from them. Getting my heartbroken has definitely changed me like never before .

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FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

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Coming to realize certain things is definitely making me forgive her. But it also makes me want her more in a way. I want to help and help her be happy. I know I cannot unless she, herself wants that. It contributes a lot to my sadness.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. My ex has a list of historical problems that would make most people voluntarily leave this world, however although I helped with some I feel (partly) in the end our demise was caused by unresolved issues, or issues that may never be resolved.

 

I do say partly because I don't want to remove any self blame, as you said, I'm not perfect.

 

Unfortunately, it is what it is and the saddest part is we have to live with that, how things may have been different if they hadn't been exposed to such hardships...

xUnknown Established Member

xUnknown

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In alot of ways, I'm glad my breakup happened, otherwise I may never have grown up :)

 

Good point. If this didn't happen, I may have never been able to truly see my faults and truly learn from them. Getting my heartbroken has definitely changed me like never before .

 

 

 

This is exactly what happened to me. My ex and I broke up and I realized all the things that I needed to improve upon myself. My story had her come back (so it does happen), and we're dating now (not official yet)...but I told her that I forgive her, because even though we broke up and it hurt like hell, she made me a better person.

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jt27 Established Member

jt27

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My ex has a list of historical problems that would make most people voluntarily leave this world, however although I helped with some I feel (partly) in the end our demise was caused by unresolved issues, or issues that may never be resolved.

 

Seriously. It's like we have the same ex. My family always wondered how I dealt with it. Easy answer though...I thought she was worth it.

 

 

Unfortunately, it is what it is and the saddest part is we have to live with that, how things may have been different if they hadn't been exposed to such hardships...

 

Definitely the saddest for me right now. It goes beyond my own personal loss, empathizing for her and what she had to go through just kills me. I just care so much about her and want to show her it doesn't have to be that way. She needs to realize it on her own unfortunately.

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FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

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Definitely the saddest for me right now. It goes beyond my own personal loss, empathizing for her and what she had to go through just kills me. I just care so much about her and want to show her it doesn't have to be that way. She needs to realize it on her own unfortunately.

 

Oh definitely. All you can do is know you did your best and for the period of time brought happiness in to her life. I'm sure they appreciate it in their own way either now or in the future.

 

When you can access, feel free to PM me if you want to discuss further.

jt27 Established Member

jt27

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I don't think I have access to PM. Don't I have to subscribe?

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FredJones80 Established Member

FredJones80

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I don't think I have access to PM. Don't I have to subscribe?

 

Yeah, you either have to subscribe or wait a month and like 200 posts or something.

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