Sad newbie :-(

[jessywalshe]

Hi everybody. I am a newbie and just found this site yesterday while looking for on-line advice.

I am with my boyfriend 11 months now. He is 4 years separated, not legally and I am his first relationship since then. He has 2 kids, 9 and 14, both boys. He is in the forces. He has the kids on a one week on, one week off basis. He lives in the family home as the ex wife left after her second affair. He pays the mortgage and half of all childcare costs. We live 2 hrs drive from each other. We met by accident when he stopped to help me when I had car trouble while visiting my sister in his city and we hit it off. I am single, my marriage having been annulled 15 years ago, and have two children. One is left home now and the other leaves soon for college. Myself and my boyfriend are the same age. I run a heritage centre in a tiny rural village.

 

On our first date he took a call from his ex-wife during our meal and chatted to her about something to do with her car. Then later he took a text message from her. I thought it a bit rude but brushed it off. However, this has been the norm since then. She lives close to him and he still cuts her lawns and they share the same bins. They seem to talk a lot, even though its nothing to do with the kids. However he complains about her non-stop. He seems to hate the fact that she earns almost double his wage yet won't pay any mortgage, yet he says he can't afford to take her to court. My suggestion at selling his expensive car and buying a cheaper one to pay for this was dismissed. He mentions her in practically every single conversation we have. He criticizes her all the time, but I think he is almost obsessed with her. I have talked to him about whether he feels they should get back together. He said he could never trust her, doesn't love her, and doesn't like her. It is hard to believe though, when he jumps when she wants him to do something and talks about her and to her so much.

 

She has said some horrible things about me, he showed me her texts. Calling me a bitch and other things. She has never met me or spoke to me. I still haven't met his kids or been to his home as he says it would upset her and she might come over and cause trouble.

I have heard his mum and sister asking to meet me on the phone several times but as yet I have never met any of his family. He frequently breaks arrangements with me because either she can't take the kids or because he is too broke.

 

I really don't see how we have a future yet I hate to think of never seeing him again. I can't talk to my friends or family as I know they will tell me to 'get rid'.

The last few weeks he has been really distant. This seemed to coincide with him telling me that she has begun a relationship and he has already met their kids and stayed in her home. He still rings and texts but not as much as usual and he has never asked me how I am doing in three weeks.

 

I am in the process of moving home and had a nasty accident where I injured my leg badly 3 weeks ago. He hasn't once asked my how my leg is, how the move is going, how work is..... nothing. Yet he still texts that he loves me.

I am up the walls.

Edited May 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, formatting and remove name

[stillafool]

I'm sorry but your guy is not over his ex wife. I don't know what it is with men who marry women who cheat but they never seem to get over them. My Dad is 90 and still talks about my cheating biological mother. They've been divorced for 60 yrs, both remarried and he still can't stop talking about her. I think the sex must have been awesome for him as that seems to be what men value. I think you should back away from this guy because he doesn't seem to be making you part of his life, isn't showing an interest in you and it's very obvious he still wants his wife back.

[jessywalshe]

Thank you stillafool for your reply. It is so good to be able to finally vent how I have been feeling. I know if I said any of this to my friends or family they would tell me to 'get rid' and I am not ready to involve them yet.

I do agree with what you say. I think too that as our sex life is really really good that he is hanging on so long for that. Although we only meet up now every few weeks but most of that time is spent in bed!

I just realised today that we have only been out for dinner once this whole year. That was for a birthday, a week later!

We have tickets to match on wednesday that I bought him months ago for his birthday. He says he is still going and staying in my house that night after the match. I won't know until he actually leaves to travel for the match if he will cancel again at the last minute which makes me reluctant to travel to meet him there and then discover he can't make it.

Its just not good enough, and I know it. Yet I am hanging on as I think I will never meet anyone else. Where I live is really rural and quiet and full of old farmers!!!

[HappyLove]

I'd rather be alone than date a man still in love with his WIFE!

[jessywalshe]

Thank you for your honest reply HappyLove. I think you are right in what you say. Despite his protests to the contrary I think his behavior is not that of a man who is over his ex or ready to move on. We have discussed this many times and he is adamant that he 'can't stand her' etc but I don't buy it.

Apart from the ex, the very fact he hasn't asked me once in almost 2 weeks ANYTHING about me or my house move or injured leg is grounds for ending it in my book. Not even a 'how was your day?' whereas before now he would have asked. He just talks about golf, football, the ex or his financial worries. Why is he even hanging on? Why does he not just end it as he obviously has gone off me and doesn't see a future? He lives 2 hrs drive away so its not like Im going to bump into him.

[hatem10]

Hi everybody. I am a newbie and just found this site yesterday while looking for on-line advice.

I am with my boyfriend 11 months now. He is 4 years separated, not legally and I am his first relationship since then. He has 2 kids, 9 and 14, both boys. He is in the forces. He has the kids on a one week on, one week off basis. He lives in the family home as the ex wife left after her second affair. He pays the mortgage and half of all childcare costs. We live 2 hrs drive from each other. We met by accident when he stopped to help me when I had car trouble while visiting my sister in his city and we hit it off. I am single, my marriage having been annulled 15 years ago, and have two children. One is left home now and the other leaves soon for college. Myself and my boyfriend are the same age. I run a heritage centre in a tiny rural village.

 

On our first date he took a call from his ex-wife during our meal and chatted to her about something to do with her car. Then later he took a text message from her. I thought it a bit rude but brushed it off. However, this has been the norm since then. She lives close to him and he still cuts her lawns and they share the same bins. They seem to talk a lot, even though its nothing to do with the kids. However he complains about her non-stop. He seems to hate the fact that she earns almost double his wage yet won't pay any mortgage, yet he says he can't afford to take her to court. My suggestion at selling his expensive car and buying a cheaper one to pay for this was dismissed. He mentions her in practically every single conversation we have. He criticizes her all the time, but I think he is almost obsessed with her. I have talked to him about whether he feels they should get back together. He said he could never trust her, doesn't love her, and doesn't like her. It is hard to believe though, when he jumps when she wants him to do something and talks about her and to her so much.

 

She has said some horrible things about me, he showed me her texts. Calling me a bitch and other things. She has never met me or spoke to me. I still haven't met his kids or been to his home as he says it would upset her and she might come over and cause trouble.

I have heard his mum and sister asking to meet me on the phone several times but as yet I have never met any of his family. He frequently breaks arrangements with me because either she can't take the kids or because he is too broke.

 

I really don't see how we have a future yet I hate to think of never seeing him again. I can't talk to my friends or family as I know they will tell me to 'get rid'.

The last few weeks he has been really distant. This seemed to coincide with him telling me that she has begun a relationship and he has already met their kids and stayed in her home. He still rings and texts but not as much as usual and he has never asked me how I am doing in three weeks.

 

I am in the process of moving home and had a nasty accident where I injured my leg badly 3 weeks ago. He hasn't once asked my how my leg is, how the move is going, how work is..... nothing. Yet he still texts that he loves me.

I am up the walls.

 

Hi,

 

Without sounding rude he seems a bit of a girl haah!

 

Why is he doing so much for this other women?

 

You are totally right to question him on this.

 

I think you should discuss it with him because it seems like a big issue to you.

 

Be understanding and explain your point clearly.

 

Joe

[jessywalshe]

Thank you for taking the time to reply Hatem10. I talked to him last night. I didn't actually mention the ex I just said that I've been feeling sad that he hasn't asked me anything about me in the last 2 weeks. He said he's been worried about money and when he is like that he goes into a fog until he can sort it out which he said he has done now. He has been more attentive today with texting and ringing. For me the test will be if he cancels going to this match with me that I bought him for his birthday. He knows I have booked off work to go with him and his ex is supposed to have the kids. I am just worried that he will cancel because she may decide not to mind them as she knows he is going to be with me.

[DArtagnan2]

I know its easy to think all the behavior he has displayed is because he must still have a thing for her, but I think one can look at it from a different stand point as well as there are some things that need to be taken in to consideration.

 

1) He has two kids with her. I know it may seem rude on a date to take a call from her, but it may have been about the kids. As for the text, not sure what the content of the text was, again, could have been about the kids. (?)

 

2) He probably does hate her. he probably does think she is a pain in the ass because she appears to be an inconvienance, at all times. She sure sounds like one. There are ex's like this all over the Earth. Whats worse is, it doesn't appear he has set the boundaries that usually come in to place when breakups happen. His reasons for that, only he knows. He may just be a nice guy, wants to be a stand up dad still and she knows that and takes advantage of it. Yeh he mows her lawn, maybe because he has two boys who play in the yard and she is of the type to not tend to it. Or she expects him to do it because of the boys. I have known guys that when the split was amicable will still tend to some yard work or things that occur in the house for a variety of reasons.

 

3) Also keep in mind he is in the Military (?). If so, she can call his CO at anytime for any little thing to put a fire under his butt for no reason. She is getting probably quite a bit of his check already, she can get more if she causes an issue.

 

4) If there is someone in your life that just annoys the crap out of you, then you are going to talk about it to your friends / bf / husband /family on LoveShack or with whoever. Of course, how much you go on and on about it is based on your own personality and how you deal with things. Unfortunately, he feels comfortable enough with you that he feels he cans share that with you. Like you are his sounding and comfort board. Im' even going to throw in the fact that your relationship is semi long distance. Your main mode of communication is not seeing each other face to face, but its on the phone, in text and maybe even email. Those avenues lead for more of a conversation atmosphere versus if you's were hanging out face to face, sometimes talking isn't needed. (and I don't mean in a sexual way), but you may e watching a movie, eating, playing a game or whatever. To me, I would expect to get more information than I may want from someone I am dating long distance because that is a way of getting closer when in that situation.

 

5) and the biggest, he has told you over and over again, he has no feelings for her. he shows his displeasure for her and while he may have gotten a bit quiet the last week or so, my gues s is he has some things on his mind, probably not about her. She probably just adds to it and he needed some time to himself. I have dated gals like that. One would even tell me that she needed time to "process" it on her own and I wouldn't hear from her for a day or so. To each his own. While I would hope he can let you know that beforehand next time, all you can do is trust him, be open with him and let him know how you want to maneuver through this relationship. Hopefully he can come along with you.

 

Now that she is seeing someone, I wouldn't expect her to let him off the hook much. She would have to be serious or living with another guy is my guess. That guy has to take on the responsibilities your guy is taking on. That may take awhile.

 

best of luck

[jessywalshe]

Thank you so much Darktagnan2 for taking time to reply to me.

Almost of all of what you wrote is what I say to myself, until the negative monsters start attacking me and I start to feel insecure. This happens when he cancels a date yet again. As I said in a post, I am waiting to see if he still goes to the game with me tomorrow as planned months ago. At this stage I can't look forward to plans made with him as he cancels so often which makes me sad. It's always the case that even while I am deciding what to wear or maybe go to the hairdressers, I am wondering if it is a waste of time and effort :-(

I feel sad so much in this relationship. It is almost a month now since I have seen him. The plan is I travel to the city where the game is on from where I live by train and he meets me there by car. Watch the game, travel back to my village together and he stays the night and returns home the next day.

I literally won't know until he rings me to say he has left, whether or not I will see him tomorrow. I am scared that I will have made the 2hr train journey only to get a call when I arrive to say he can't make it :-(

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Oh I'm sorry hun but he still loves her, I know that hurts like anything but u have to walk away now before he leaves u x

[Zahara]

I literally won't know until he rings me to say he has left, whether or not I will see him tomorrow. I am scared that I will have made the 2hr train journey only to get a call when I arrive to say he can't make it :-(

 

This is where you have placed all your power and control in his hands. Hun, you get a say. You're doing all the work to get to there, so he needs to let you know sooner/confirm and you need to put a timeline on when you decide if you haven't heard, you're going ahead and doing something else with someone that can and want to show up for you. He doesn't get you on a train for 2 hours and cancel. No.

 

I will also tell you this. I have been where you are. Chances are, very likely he's not over his past, not so much still in love with her, but still very affected by hurt and pain from her. They aren't emotionally available and healthy to sustain a relationship with you. They're emotionally drained all the time from dealing with the ex, they're physically exhausted by all that has happened, they're mentally consumed by the past -- leaving you little to no space in their brain or their heart. And when he keeps canceling on you at the last minute, it's a strong sign that he's fighthing conflict inside in terms of whether he is into this relationship or not.

[HappyLove]

How will you ever find or meet a great man if you keep tied up with this one? You're gonna miss your blessing wasting time with him.

[mammasita]

Why would you ever get involved with someone who is not single?

 

Yeah yeah he's separated. Well, no....he's not. He has legal ties to his wife. Why would anyone be separated....and not even legally at that.....for four years and take no action? Sounds like a scam to me.

 

I'm very skeptic about all of the hoopla about him not living with her and his family wanting to meet you. I don't believe it. I know you've heard some of it, but I'm just not buying it. Not to mention, you've never been to his house and never met his kids.

 

Just how serious do you really think this guy is about you? From where I'm sitting, doesn't look like a whole lot of serious going on.

[jessywalshe]

Thank you all for your messages of support. I know it is some time later now, but I thought I would follow up to those who were kind enough to reply to me and let you know that I broke up with him over a week ago. The last straw was when he was due to come spend a night with me and as we were both off work the following day I suggested he stay two nights. The first time ever this year. He turned me down by saying he had too much housework to do! He then said that he wasn't going to come over at all if I was going to give him a hard time for not staying two nights. I was so angry and upset that I just couldn't even reply and he just simply didn't turn up on the night he was supposed too. We later spoke on the phone and I said that I was not happy at all in the relationship for all the reasons I mentioned above in other posts. He didn't offer any solutions. I hoped he would do or say something that would make me feel he took our relationship seriously but he didn't. He just said that he loved me and didn't want us to break up but then listed all the reasons why our relationship was so unfair to me, i.e. his not having time to meet me, his financial constraints, the distance. To me it sounded like he wanted us to break up but didn't want to be the one to do so. So I just said that if the relationship was going to stay the way that it was then I couldn't remain in it. And we said goodbye and I cried my eyes out. The next morning he text to say that despite how I think he was feeling about the break up that he wanted me to know he would dearly miss me and wished me the best and was there if I ever wanted to talk. I didn't reply and I haven't heard from him since. I am sad, I miss him, but I am so glad for myself that I made the break. It was never going to be the relationship I want or need. I realised myself that slowly my confidence and my own self-worth was being stripped day by day as I felt inferior.... i.e. by his excluding me so much from his life. I just wish I had make the break a long time ago. Now when I even think about things he did I get so angry at myself for taking it for so long, but I guess love blinds you.

But thank you all again for your support.

[Diezel]

Good for you.

 

You'll get better as time goes on.