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My 23 year old ex broke up with me because his mom told him to

suchamamasboy

By suchamamasboy
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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suchamamasboy Member

suchamamasboy

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Now seems like a good time to ask yourself that question.

 

The worst thing you are dealing with now is a hit to your self esteem. I can tell you've already connected the dots, but you need to step back and evaluate the big picture, and where YOU fit into it, because you frame the picture, and it won't be complete until you know how you want to frame it.

 

The ended relationship doesn't seem like there were huge particular failings on your part. If you know where you went wrong, and you genuinely did your best to maintain it, you can't let other people's decisions whether to maintain or destroy relationships reflect on your perceptions of yourself after they make their decision to leave. That is their decision, and not yours. You are good enough to be deserving of a healthy relationship, and if your ex can't offer it to you, you have to trust in yourself that you can find many others elsewhere, starting first and foremost with yourself.

 

I'm going to read this over and over again when I'm feeling low.

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suchamamasboy Member

suchamamasboy

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I totally understand how you feel. My ex hasn't tried to contact me at all after our breakup, and I don't think he ever will. Instead he is out partying and having the time of his life. It hurts deeply. Like you I almost wish he would contact me, because at least then I would know that he is thinking of me. Right now it feels as if our 4 year relationship meant nothing to him. But in the long run, not receiving breadcrumbs is beneficial because it allows us the space we need to heal more quickly without receiving any false hope.

 

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through that. I've been lurking this forum for a while before I joined and everyone kept saying how their ex contacted them and I was wondering why ex wasn't doing that and I'm just really sorry that you have to feel the same pain.

 

I agree that it doesn't give us false hope, but it's a little difficult to move on when I feel like I've been discarded like trash. It would also make me feel better if there was another reason why we broke up. If someone had cheated, or fell out of love, but this was a forced breakup.

 

I just want to say, "Please babe, I know that you still love me. Please come back to me". I even had the stupid idea to try to convince his mom that we could both share him but then I realized that she's not a rational person because she wouldn't have thought that in the first place.

 

When he called me (see previous thread), a little before he hung up, he said that he wasn't going to change his mind (and I thought I heard his mom in the background). Before that phone call, he sent me a text saying that he loved me. He told me that twice because I didn't answer immediately (I was in the shower). I told him that I loved him too. That made me think we would get back together, especially since he was sobbing when he broke up with me.

Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

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Oh gosh! Haha, tell me you're joking about him living with his mom! But honestly, I can see that being my ex. I'm starting to think that maybe I did dodge a bullet.

 

Did you ever respond to his Facebook message?

 

Oh sure, I did, for a little while. We have known each other for what seems forever, but he's really not the guy for me. He's unable to give me what I need. And because he has always been sheltered by his mom, that's the way he treats the women in his life. He acts like a child. He basically thinks about his needs first.

 

So after a few message exchanges, I dropped him. I'm happy though that I got to talk to him. I knew I was better off without him. Seeing he hadn't changed in almost 20 years was sad. Imagine if I had married him? :p

elseaacych Established Member

elseaacych

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Sucha: You're still very close to your hurt, and it's reasonable for you to feel like you've been discarded. Believe me, you don't want to search for other reasons for your break up. It doesn't matter why they broke up with you, whatever reason they had was enough for them to make that decision. You don't have to like it, or respect it, but you do have to get the hell away from it.

 

As mentioned: my ex broke up with me, and he hasn't contacted me. I still struggle daily with understanding how he could have done so, because I loved him and wanted to make him a happy man. By all means, I am successful, for my age. He is directionless, manic-depressive, and kind of full of himself. Like you, I ask myself "Certainly he'd want me? He wanted me before, why is now any different? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me, am I incapable of loving or being loved?" I've asked myself these questions several times a day for the last six months. Elle's asked these questions. Everyone's asked these questions. You've asked yourself these questions, and you KNOW THE ANSWERS. You just have to come to terms with it. (Framing the picture, so to say.)

 

You have to come to terms with the idea that you are little different than you were when you first met him. He saw something special in you that made him fall in love with you, and you still have those qualities. The only thing different between your relationship at the beginning and at the end, is that he no longer wants to put in an effort to maintain it.

 

That is something you should not accept. Rationalize this: if you have good qualities that make you loveable, and you are capable of maintaining a long term relationship, then you deserve a partner that wants to maintain a loving relationship with you for who you are, even if his mom hates you, even if you're this or that, or not this or not that.

 

His choice to break up with you and not speak to you is a reflection on his character, NOT ON YOURS.

Edited by elseaacych
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suchamamasboy Member

suchamamasboy

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Oh sure, I did, for a little while. We have known each other for what seems forever, but he's really not the guy for me. He's unable to give me what I need. And because he has always been sheltered by his mom, that's the way he treats the women in his life. He acts like a child. He basically thinks about his needs first.

 

So after a few message exchanges, I dropped him. I'm happy though that I got to talk to him. I knew I was better off without him. Seeing he hadn't changed in almost 20 years was sad. Imagine if I had married him? :p

 

This is inspiring because you're better off with out him and this shows that I can be okay, just like you are. I'm so glad that you didn't marry him! :bunny:

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suchamamasboy Member

suchamamasboy

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Sucha: You're still very close to your hurt, and it's reasonable for you to feel like you've been discarded. Believe me, you don't want to search for other reasons for your break up. It doesn't matter why they broke up with you, whatever reason they had was enough for them to make that decision. You don't have to like it, or respect it, but you do have to get the hell away from it.

 

As mentioned: my ex broke up with me, and he hasn't contacted me. I still struggle daily with understanding how he could have done so, because I loved him and wanted to make him a happy man. By all means, I am successful, for my age. He is directionless, manic-depressive, and kind of full of himself. Like you, I ask myself "Certainly he'd want me? He wanted me before, why is now any different? Is there something fundamentally wrong with me, am I incapable of loving or being loved?" I've asked myself these questions several times a day for the last six months. Elle's asked these questions. Everyone's asked these questions. You've asked yourself these questions, and you KNOW THE ANSWERS. You just have to come to terms with it. (Framing the picture, so to say.)

 

You have to come to terms with the idea that you are little different than you were when you first met him. He saw something special in you that made him fall in love with you, and you still have those qualities. The only thing different between your relationship at the beginning and at the end, is that he no longer wants to put in an effort to maintain it.

 

That is something you should not accept. Rationalize this: if you have good qualities that make you loveable, and you are capable of maintaining a long term relationship, then you deserve a partner that wants to maintain a loving relationship with you for who you are, even if his mom hates you, even if you're this or that, or not this or not that.

 

His choice to break up with you and not speak to you is a reflection on his character, NOT ON YOURS.

 

So when is your self-help book coming out? Seriously, you're amazing.

 

I am sorry that you have been going through pain for six months and I really hope that you get better soon because you deserve it. After mentioning the qualities in your ex, it seems that you were truly too good for him. It's nice to know that one day we'll heal and it's also nice to know that you, along with everyone else, is taking the time to post on this thread because I was hurting so much. I'm feeling a lot better.

 

And you're absolutely right, I have loveable qualities and so I deserve someone willing to be there for me long term. I have so much love to give, and unfortunately, I gave too much of my love to him because I forgot to love myself. I'm just realizing how everything was about him, and everything was done to make him happy and I put him over myself.

 

Instead of focusing so much on him, I think it would be wise to devote that energy into loving myself so that I don't feel like a part of me is destroyed shall I ever get dumped again. This is one of my favorite poems, Love After Love by Derek Walcott, and I didn't realize how vital it would be in my life until now.

 

Maybe it'll help other loveshack readers.

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Elle1975 Established Member

Elle1975

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This is inspiring because you're better off with out him and this shows that I can be okay, just like you are. I'm so glad that you didn't marry him! :bunny:

 

Well, I am on this forum, so I went through a break up I am not digesting so well.

 

I'll be ok though. For me it's time that's not on my side, but it's on yours. I believe with a little effort, we will meet the one person who will reciprocate our love, and this dude will fade away. You will wonder why the heck you were thinking crying over him.

 

Like I said, you just need to make a little conscious effort to get better. At first it's hard, then it becomes natural, next thing you know you'll be back on your feet, and after that you'll be dating someone else.

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