hugznkisses21 Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Am I being a bit tough on myself? I sometimes assume total responsibility for my relationship when things have gone wrong no matter how much my bf tell me its not all my fault its his too. For the past 6 months we have been arguing off and on….not sure why…I don’t think we have gotten to the source of the problem but none the less the two of us want to stop. It could be stress, my bf’s un happiness I have notices (i.e his moods due to stress with his parents), my moods, winter?, money, time, over working…I have no idea…we have no idea. But all I know it I hate when we talk he will either say something the wrong way or not be completely attentive, or not say what I want…lol, or just plain not say anything and I get a bit bothered and I guess most of the time he is just being a guys guy but I get defensive and we end in an argument. Then the next day I feel like I am running the whole thing trough the ground (like today ofr instance) and heis going to leave me cause all I do lately is argue with him. I guess where I am going with this is…..arguing…we all do it, we love eachother very much that is not the question…we have great times together….we are both stubborn so maybe that’s why we argue. We need to stop arguing….We have decided we are going to put all arguments in the past and start fresh…which is hard for me cause I feel absolutely terrible for the last 5 or so months and all the arguments and fights we have gone through…I feel like he is going to just be like “u know what…I cant do this anymore”… iw ould be crushed so what are some ways we can help this….everything with us is perfect and he says we are great we just need to work on the arguing. Is it possible that every relationship goes through a tough time…where things are rocky or months at a time? Suggestions on choosing my battles I guess I need cause I am stubborn when it comes to that. Being my first and hopefully only long term relationship help me understand the male mind!! lol
savethedrama4allama Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by hugznkisses21 Is it possible that every relationship goes through a tough time…where things are rocky or months at a time? Yes. I think you may be overanalyzing the relationship a bit (I'm not one to talk- I'm very guilty of this as well). Every single couple on earth has had a rough patch. The ones who haven't just haven't had it yet. Its inevitable. The only difference is that some couples work through it; others end their relationship, depending on the circumstances. You mention that you tend to take "total responsibility" when things have gone wrong. Perhaps you are approaching problems in the relationship the wrong way. Instead of focusing blame (its all my fault, or its all his fault) maybe you should be thinking rationally about what behaviors need to change for both of you to be happy. Maybe its no yelling from you (walk out of the room for a minute to cool down when you feel defensive), and agreement for him to do 2 social things with you per week- or whatever your particular contentions are. Blame doesn't get people anywhere, including you blaming yourself. Does it really matter whose "fault" it is? Both of you are somewhat unhappy, and both of you want to be happy. So focus on what you can do to fulfill each other's needs and be happy.
Pocky Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 One thing that might help is that when you finish the argument you drop the topic. Carrying topics from one argument to the next can be extremely exasperating and leaves one with the image that you're always fighting. Even if you can't agree at the end of the argument at least try and come to a resolution. Recognize your viewpoint, recognize his viewpoint and then try and come to a solution for the problem. Once you end the argument, don't bring that topic up again. If you do all you end up doing is arguing about the same thing over and over with no resolution and no understanding of why you're arguing in the first place. You stated you're starting over - that's good. No the next time you have an disagreement, both of you need to remember not to bring up anything from the past that has been discussed.
Author hugznkisses21 Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 Thanks soooo very much guys. Yes this was something I decided this morning....I said to him I think we should forget all arguments we have been having for months and start fresh...he asked if thats what I want and I asked if that ok and what he wants and he said yes. I do still feel terrible and want to take back all the tough times and bad time was have had...i have a hard time "Dropping" things...which now i can see addds to the arguments. We both apologised and asked for forgive ness and then hes says now ok drop it.....eeeek easier said than done cause I am still feeling like I have doen some non reversable damage sorta speak....but I can see though we are pretty strong cause we have made it trough and always try again.....he used to say so what so we argue all couples do.....and now he says we argue too much we need to work on that. My automatic thought it oh no...he is going to dump me.... Save the drama - i do over analyze.....i cant loose him he is one of the best things that has happened to me but sometimes i feel like I may be ruining things...eventhough he says we both are at fault for arguing.....i just dont want to be at the point where the damage is doen sorta thing
WalkingTall Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 The advice given is what I would have said if I had been the first to reply.... and although I know what should be done, I am guilty of "dirty arguing" as well. I tend to rehash the past when an incident serves to validate what my point is, and it just makes it so hard to leave the past the past. It is hard to leave it behind when it's not resolved, or in some cases, you just give in to put an end to the argument. SOOOOO GUILTY of that myself... and I will be posting some issues I have as well soon... I feel at home here after only a couple days! I have never disclosed this much to sooooo many strangers!!!!
savethedrama4allama Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 Originally posted by hugznkisses21 I am still feeling like I have doen some non reversable damage sorta speak You may have done irreversible damage. This is both frightening and liberating. You can't take back what you've done in the past, neither can he. All you can do is focus on your life starting today. Please don't waste your time worrying about the past arguments and if he's going to dump you or not- you said yourself, what has been done is irreversible. Why worry about it now and let it inhibit your progress?
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