Dating break, or try online dating? [update]

[BC1980]

1. I can't surmount my hurt and surprise that he just utterly quit on us after MONTHS, maybe a YEAR of me asking him what he wanted and getting hurt, then frustrated, then angry, and then FURIOUS that he couldn't communicate clearly with me. In fact, he made up a bunch of crap: asking my mom for permission to ask me to marry him and then never following it up; telling me after our 6-week break from the relationship last summer that he saw us engaged by the fall and that he wanted to go to Harvard or Oxford grad school for cultural anthropology (never mentioned that before and clearly that was just BS telling me what he thought I wanted to hear); telling my mother last summer when she asked why 7 months had passed since he asked her permission and there was no proposal that he was "lost" and "couldn't take any responsibility"; me walking out on him in August and then his mother teling me that he had told her he didn't think it was necessarily the end for us; and then in response to my email in September asking whether he'd consider going to couples counseling as we had intended and could we please discuss this in person, writing me an email saying that "any communication between us" from here on out was not possible. I feel lied to and confused that he couldn't just discuss hisfears or whatever was going on with me and I feel very stupid for giving him so many chances out of love for him when WHERE WAS HIS LOVE? I can't shake the humiliation and sadness.

 

Your ex sounds like my ex. It's very difficult when you are the one who is certain in the relationship, and you keep waiting for the other person to figure it out. My ex went back and forth. He did the ultimate mind f*ck on me. Bought me an engagement ring but wouldn't give it to me. Told our family and friends we were getting married, talked nonstop about "when we're married" and "when we're a family." There was always some reason we couldn't get engaged, but I stood by him. What a mistake.

 

I've never been so confused after a relationship ended. Trust me, I did my share of over analyzing, and, to this day, I cannot tell you WHY our relationship ended. I have somewhat of an idea, but I can't say for certain. It's called Future Faking I've since learned. Sorry you are a fellow victim because it's hard to recover from. We bet on potential and lost. We kept betting against the house that this person would come through in the end. We lost the bet sadly.

[Zapbasket]

Your ex sounds like my ex. It's very difficult when you are the one who is certain in the relationship, and you keep waiting for the other person to figure it out. My ex went back and forth. He did the ultimate mind f*ck on me. Bought me an engagement ring but wouldn't give it to me. Told our family and friends we were getting married, talked nonstop about "when we're married" and "when we're a family." There was always some reason we couldn't get engaged, but I stood by him. What a mistake.

 

I've never been so confused after a relationship ended. Trust me, I did my share of over analyzing, and, to this day, I cannot tell you WHY our relationship ended. I have somewhat of an idea, but I can't say for certain. It's called Future Faking I've since learned. Sorry you are a fellow victim because it's hard to recover from. We bet on potential and lost. We kept betting against the house that this person would come through in the end. We lost the bet sadly.

 

I've read your threads on the relationship, and I really could identify with your pain. Your ex sounds like what I said about my ex in the first few months of our relationship--"It's like you're here, but you're not really here"--and then again in the last months--"You're like a solitary lily pad floating in a still pond of nowhere." It's confusing, and maddening, and maybe just a little bit (or more than a little bit) pathological.

 

How have you managed to move past the confusion and hurt and sense of being taken for a ride that the driver had no intention of bringing to its anticipated destination?

[Zapbasket]

Since seeing my ex on a dating site, I have been a mess. Unable to concentrate on anything, and it doesn't help that I have this week off from work and no one to talk to.

 

Can you guys please help me understand something? My ex was a mess much of the time we dated. He had no direction, was living at home in a garage apartment at his parents' house, was working an hourly blue-collar job he claimed he hated, was trying to write a book about his family heritage but making no progress on it, and finally last spring he broke down in tears, considered taking anti-depressants (but decided against it), and then ended up seeing a therapist for a few months over the summer.

 

In his break-up email from last October, he said, "My focus right now is trying to figure out what is tripping me up. Its clear that something, perhaps many things, are keeping me restrained. And to be true to me, and also you, I need to focus on myself. Its a hard truth to face as a 38 year-old male." Literally the day after he sent me this email, he quit going to therapy and has never returned.

 

I took him at his word, though, that he was trying to focus on himself. He really was lost and aimless and it would make sense that he wouldn't want to get involved with anyone. He was in such a quagmire that even with concerted effort and therapy, there's no way he'd be able to be out of it by now.

 

So to see him on a dating site is very confusing. Did he essentially lie to me? Surely he's not looking for a serious relationship since he's in the exact same position he was in while dating me, right? Why would he want to spend his time on OLD sites when he's "trying to figure out [what] is tripping him up"? Did he just deliver that line about being "lost" as a way to excuse not wanting to be with me?

[FortunateSon]

My ex told me the same thing soon after our BU, she is working on herself, not ready to date anytime soon, she was too hurt to be with someone, blah, blah, blah. She joined a dating site four months after our 6 year relationship/engagement ended, a jumped into a relationship almost immediately, conveniently told me about it, put their pics on FB. This was in December that she "told" me about this, I don't know if the are together yet or not but it was the final straw(or should I say kick in the a$$!) that made me go full blown NC since. GC, I wouldn't take it personally, it about him now. He is probably trying to fill a void and move on. Remember actions speak louder than words.

[Zapbasket]

My ex told me the same thing soon after our BU, she is working on herself, not ready to date anytime soon, she was too hurt to be with someone, blah, blah, blah. She joined a dating site four months after our 6 year relationship/engagement ended, a jumped into a relationship almost immediately, conveniently told me about it, put their pics on FB.

 

If she needed to shove her new relationship in your face, she wasn't "over" you. Rather, it sounds like that new relationship was *about* you, very much so. Have you interacted since then? Are you still connected on FB?

 

GC, I wouldn't take it personally, it about him now. He is probably trying to fill a void and move on.

But isn't it "personal" if he's trying to move on rather than trying to get in touch with me? It hurts a lot because I really expected he might at least try to reach out to me before trying to get into a new relationship. And part of me believed it was possible that he'd not want to get into a new relationship, but rather use the time apart to work on issues that got in his way and by extension, in the way of our relationship, as I have done.

 

But I guess his quitting the relationship, and then immediately thereafter quitting therapy and never resuming, said it all: he did not and does not want to do the work.

 

Remember actions speak louder than words.

Right, but...the things he needed to work on weren't things *I* insisted he work on. He was very troubled while we were together; there is no way he can attribute his troubles to our relationship. And there's no way his troubles have "disappeared" by virtue of ending our relationship (except that now he can choose to "ignore" his troubles--something I wouldn't let him do?). He could clearly see how he was getting in his own way. What I don't think he ever recognized was how his self-loathing got taken out on me via irritability and sabotaging of the peaceful times between us. I just don't see how he thinks he could have a successful relationship with someone new without addressing these issues. Though I know from his mother that he has done nothing but blame me these past months. "I'd rather be alone than arguing all the time," she told me he said around Christmas. "GreenCove is a wonderful person, but you can't be with someone you argue with all the time."

 

I guess he hasn't been interested in looking at what hugely contributed to those arguments.

 

I just feel really confused and lied to. And really, really confused. I don't know what to do, and am tempted to reach out to him. Though I probably won't because in my therapy--that I started when he started therapy and have faithfully gone to every week since--I'm looking at how I always do most of the work in my relationships. Reaching out to him would just be more of the same. Lately I feel like I'd rather have more "same" than to really have to lose him from my life forever. Back a few months ago, even, I never thought those were the only two options.

 

He just doesn't want to do any work, period, does he? Then can I at least take comfort that in all likelihood, his next relationship won't go so well, either?

[Zapbasket]

Please no harsh words; I know I'm torturing myself, but I can't manage to stop myself.

 

I'm on this dating site, on my bogus account with no photo or profile info, just looking around to see if there is enough out there to justify me creating a real account and trying.

 

This is the site on which I found my ex. (If I were to create a real profile, I'd block him so that we can't find each other on the site. I'd probably use my bogus profile to spy on him, though, unless I can manage to find a way to stop doing that.)

 

I looked through dozens and dozens of profiles of men who live in/near my area. I really spent some time trying to see what, if anything, struck my interest.

 

And then my ex's profile photo came up. And I'm crying because I realized that his is more attractive to me than anyone else's. It's not just shallow attraction; there's a look on his face that suggests depth and intelligence and I didn't find really any other profiles that had a look like that. Also, his profile description, even while I know parts of it are more what he WANTS to be or fantasizes he is rather than what he actually is, it's a lot more compelling than other profiles.

 

I see this in him, and I hurt because I can't understand why he doesn't see it in me. Why would meeting someone else be preferable to being willing to put in the effort to have a relationship with me? It really hurts that he didn't want to put in any effort. Is that why he wants someone else? Because he imagines he won't have to put any effort into a different relationship?

 

I know I need to get a grip. But I keep imagining him with someone new and then somehow not having the problems he had in the relationship with me, and I feel very cheated and sad and angry and confused and crazed that I live within walking distance of his house and he won't reach out to me and has not reached out since October 13, when he emailed me to say he doesn't want to talk to me.

 

I am so unhappy

[jphcbpa]

Your ex is not running from you, but from himself. He "knows" he needs therapy, but has decided it is too painful to really look at himself and make a change. It is easier to remain on the surface and cope with distractions (ie: drugs, women, work, ect). It is easier to create intensity than to really work on oneself. This is his journey and his actions say more about himself than anything. You must know that he will never be truly happy and the same ending will occur for him until he does the work and changes the script. He can change the actors/players in his play of life but the ending is still the same. This shows you proof that this is not on you. This is on him and about his issues. You are powerless to "fix" him. You MUST keep the mirror, focus and energy on you and your new life.

[Zapbasket]

Your ex is not running from you, but from himself. He "knows" he needs therapy, but has decided it is too painful to really look at himself and make a change. It is easier to remain on the surface and cope with distractions (ie: drugs, women, work, ect). It is easier to create intensity than to really work on oneself. This is his journey and his actions say more about himself than anything. You must know that he will never be truly happy and the same ending will occur for him until he does the work and changes the script. He can change the actors/players in his play of life but the ending is still the same. This shows you proof that this is not on you. This is on him and about his issues. You are powerless to "fix" him. You MUST keep the mirror, focus and energy on you and your new life.

 

Thank you. So, following that logic, has he deluded himself into thinking his problems can be "fixed" if he finds another girlfriend? Or is it just general malaise and loneliness and unwillingness to work on himself that makes him seek a "distraction" in online flirtations and meeting with, dating, sleeping with, God knows what with, new women?

 

I know what you say is the truth. I know it, and then my own personal insecurities come bubbling up: 1. I don't want to start over. I loved him, his family, the life we could have together. He just needed to take that step to sort out some of his counterdependency issues, just as I have taken the step to sort out my codependency issues. I foolishly tried to make him look at himself in the relationship--not from the beginning, but once frustration had peaked and it was clear he was very stuck, and finally I could just take it no more. Even so, I offered for us to go to counseling together, and that's when he said he didn't want to talk to me, basically, apparently, ever again. 2. That I'm not loveable enough. I want someone for once to want the relationship as much as I do. I know my ex loved me...but seeing him on the site makes me fear he's willing to love someone else more

 

Is there nothing I can do? Is there nothing I can say at this point to wake him up? If I reminded him how much I love him would it make any difference? If I asked him please, now that all this time has passed, please to agree to meet with me, would that accomplish anything?

 

I fear I know the answer but maybe I need to hear it from someone else.

[jphcbpa]

Thank you. So, following that logic, has he deluded himself into thinking his problems can be "fixed" if he finds another girlfriend? Or is it just general malaise and loneliness and unwillingness to work on himself that makes him seek a "distraction" in online flirtations and meeting with, dating, sleeping with, God knows what with, new women?

Very few people can admit they have a problem and are willing to work on themselves. Just step into the 12 step rooms of Alanon, AA, Codo, SLAA ect and see how little people are in there compared to the millions who "should" be in those rooms working steps and getting healing. Know that this could take him YEARS to figure out and it is not up to you. You cannot "save" him. That is your codependency talking. SAVE YOURSELF. I asked my ex if she continued in her therapy after our BU. She said, "off and on". Yeah, I know what that means. It mean much more off than on. It means that she was now feeling relief that the R was over and she did not have to deal with those feelings of her inability to commit.

 

I know what you say is the truth. I know it, and then my own personal insecurities come bubbling up: 1. I don't want to start over. I loved him, his family, the life we could have together. He just needed to take that step to sort out some of his counterdependency issues, just as I have taken the step to sort out my codependency issues. I foolishly tried to make him look at himself in the relationship--not from the beginning, but once frustration had peaked and it was clear he was very stuck, and finally I could just take it no more. Even so, I offered for us to go to counseling together, and that's when he said he didn't want to talk to me, basically, apparently, ever again.

Fact is he cannot make a commitment to you. Working on himself and or working in the R with you is making a commitment. From his perspective, asking him to "work on the R" is like a warden asking the prisoner to secure his cell ever further. - paraphrase from the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". HIGHLY recommend this book. Read it over and over again like your Bible.

 

"The life we could have together". You need to hear this loud and clear. That is a FANTASY. You are more hooked on "what could have been if he would just do this or that, or act this way towards us or me". You need to morn him, the R and the fantasy you built in your head. It is VERY PAINFUL to let go of but this must be shattered for you to move on.

 

2. That I'm not loveable enough. I want someone for once to want the relationship as much as I do. I know my ex loved me...but seeing him on the site makes me fear he's willing to love someone else more

You are loveable and you DO NOT need his validation. You need to validate yourself with your higher power. I know the ultimate form of validation is for him to come back to you on his knees and say, "you are right, you are so worth it, I am going to change for you". This would be heaven on earth for you because you do not value yourself. You are worthy, loved and loveable just the way you are. Please get off that dating site or block him on it ASAP. You are just kicking yourself. If you fix yourself you will attract the right man and you will not be chasing romance or being misdirected by chemicals. Have you been to SLAA by chance? Another book I would recommend is "Facing Love Addiction".

 

 

Is there nothing I can do? Is there nothing I can say at this point to wake him up? If I reminded him how much I love him would it make any difference? If I asked him please, now that all this time has passed, please to agree to meet with me, would that accomplish anything?

YES..you can take care of YOU. He knows you are "there". That is part of the problem. It would only serve to push him away further because you are needy. It is time to let him go, surrender, accept and give yourself the space to heal. Nothing is going to change but you. He is not your problem. Fixing this empty hole in your heart is. This abandonment you are feeling. Childhood issues and neediness are what you need to fix. Another book I recommend is "Journey from Abandonment to Healing".

 

You will look back one day and thank him for this "get out of jail free" pass because you could be strung along for years with him. You want a committed R. Or so you say. Think about it. Why would you spend time wanting someone who DOES NOT WANT YOU??? It is because you too are really afraid of commitment. You are running from yourself by chasing and trying to fix him. Let that sink in. Why do you chase unrequited love?

 

I am not being harsh...trust me..I am not talking at you...I am talking to myself too.

Edited May 14, 2014 by jphcbpa

[jphcbpa]

I am convinced that it takes a minimum of two to three years of conscious dating to really get to know the depth of a woman. More than once I’ve been surprised at a year or two into dating a woman at the things that would come up that I hadn’t previously seen.

 

Here is one of the most important truth’s I’ve learned about dating: the closer you get to a person, the more you will bump into their defense mechanisms.

 

This often means that things can be cruising along well for a few months, maybe even a year or two. Then all of sudden, something changes. It can be almost anything: she gets depressed, loses interest in sex, becomes preoccupied at work, starts flirting with an ex, just wants to stay at home and watch television, or starts just “mailing it in” in any way.

 

Typically, you get focused on the issue at hand, whatever that may be. But the real issue is she has gone as far as she can in an intimate relationship. You’ve bumped into her unconscious walls of protection (the same thing will happen to you as well).

 

If one or both of you are conscious, you can recognize what is happening and talk about the fear of intimacy (and defense mechanisms) that you each have. Maybe you’ll work through them, maybe you’ll find out that one or both of you are not able to.

 

I guarantee that you will run into this within the first three years of dating.

- Glover author of "No More Mr Nice Guy"

[Zapbasket]

Oh my God. Where do you live? Can we meet for coffee? Seriously, you say so much great stuff, stuff I need to hear and it's such a balm. I don't know where to begin to respond, except to say that one reason this is so helpful is that I feel very isolated where I am, in large part because I fear this is not over between my ex and me, but not in the sense I wish.

 

My fear is that while I am very vulnerable, working in therapy to separate fact from fantasy and to gain the courage, for the first time in my life, to pay attention to MY needs and to ACT when they are not being met, my ex is going to do things that will make what is already a hard process even harder.

 

I know he has not forgotten me. He knows I have kept in contact with his mother, though unbeknownst to her yet I am putting a stop to it. I know that even though he supposedly condones it, it makes him uncomfortable, because he knows she disagrees with his behavior. She told me he has avoided her stringently ever since the breakup, and yells at her every time she has tried to talk about it with him.

 

So given that and our physical proximity in this small town, I'm sure he has not forgotten me, and I fear he will attempt to slap me in the face with how he has moved on. He does things like polish up his image on LinkedIn, on which we are connections. It's not "sincere" in that the business he claims to have on LinkedIn he does not have, and all his connections are from his Facebook of all the people he worked with at this scientific institute back in his late twenties, the last time his life seemed to have any clear direction. He basically added those FB connections to LinkedIn, along with the same profile photo he has on his dating profile. It's to create spin, I know this, and I can't help feeling he does it with awareness that I will notice. He did after all swear to me that when he finished his book--the one he kept using as an excuse for why he couldn't plan anything for our future; he "had to finish the book first"--he "would send it to me with a big 'F*ck You' attached to it."

 

So my fear is that in this small town, where everyone knows and loves his family, he's going to rub in my face every APPEARANCE of moving forward he can muster. A lot of it, most of it, will just be appearances, but I fear I'll be the ONLY person who sees that. His mother has a vested interest in viewing him as someone without the problems he has (and she did finally admit to me a recognition of deep-seated problems), and will partake of the illusion. So I fear I'll be engulfed in it from all sides and in my vulnerable state it will seem like he got it together for someone else, but not for me, that the "fantasy" wasn't a fantasy, but something real that he just did not want to share with me. I fear seeing it all over FB, LinkedIn, the internet, not just from him but from his mom and sister and then out in public. ANd I don't know that I'll have the wherewithal to just look the other way, and feel secure in the truth that I know.

 

Because he is counterdependent, he has a keen interest in appearances, and having felt humiliated by me and my insistence on truth, realness and vulnerability while he proved incapable of any of those things including a commitment to me, part of reestablishing good appearances will be somehow trying to show me up, or get back at me. Just as an example: a few weeks after we broke up, we ran into each other at a restaurant on his birthday. I was there with a friend and he was there with his family. When they saw me there, they went to another restaurant. It was the only time we've run into one another, and the reason I dread it happening again is that while his family greeted me, everyone looking uncomfortable and sad, and I greeted them and him and said, "Happy Birthday," he was cordial, but then flashed me this very, very sexual wink that was totally inappropriate given the context and our status and especially given that when we were together, he NEVER made that gesture toward me. It was like he was personifying some sex symbol dude that girls just drool over, and in that wink he was making me into one of the girls. It felt insulting, degrading, and very, very passive-aggressive (which was his wont). I found it very unnerving and hurtful.

 

I right now am so vulnerable, and it will take me several months before I get back to any semblance of a secure place. I feel paralyzed by this fear.

Edited May 14, 2014 by GreenCove

[Zapbasket]

You will look back one day and thank him for this "get out of jail free" pass because you could be strung along for years with him. You want a committed R. Or so you say. Think about it. Why would you spend time wanting someone who DOES NOT WANT YOU??? It is because you too are really afraid of commitment. You are running from yourself by chasing and trying to fix him. Let that sink in. Why do you chase unrequited love?

 

I am not being harsh...trust me..I am not talking at you...I am talking to myself too.

 

No harshness taken; what you say is amazing. I cannot thank you enough.

 

Now, this, what you say. Several people here and IRL have suggested this to me--that I chase unrequited love because of my own commitment fears. But I don't see it and I don't know how to "look" for it. I mean, these ten years of three relationships where the pattern is the same and where I am quite aggressively and unempathically thrown to the curb when it really should have been ME dumping THEM have been profoundly damaging to my psyche. How could I possibly "want" this on some level?

[Zapbasket]

He knows you are "there".

 

Do you mean, he thinks I still want him? Would he really feel sure of that, just because, I don't know, I'm still in this town, I keep in contact with his mom, etc.? Or do you mean more that I'm "there" in all I represent: the insistence on commitment and his failure to come through, etc.?

[jphcbpa]

Do you mean, he thinks I still want him? Would he really feel sure of that, just because, I don't know, I'm still in this town, I keep in contact with his mom, etc.? Or do you mean more that I'm "there" in all I represent: the insistence on commitment and his failure to come through, etc.?

 

The Universe knows. There is still space for him in heart/soul. Once you have "moved on" that void will be felt by him. The Universe abhors a vacuum.

[jphcbpa]

No harshness taken; what you say is amazing. I cannot thank you enough.

 

Now, this, what you say. Several people here and IRL have suggested this to me--that I chase unrequited love because of my own commitment fears. But I don't see it and I don't know how to "look" for it. I mean, these ten years of three relationships where the pattern is the same and where I am quite aggressively and unempathically thrown to the curb when it really should have been ME dumping THEM have been profoundly damaging to my psyche. How could I possibly "want" this on some level?

Many people find themselves enamored with what they cannot have. Unavailability and not being able to have what you want, although painful, can be deliciously enticing in many ways

 

That miserable deprived place feels so comfy and familiar to us. Even though we know where it leads to letdown, loneliness, sitting by the phone..we will let that feeling lead us around by the nose

 

Wanting what we cannot have is a universal dilemma. It is so easy to conjure up fantasies about how delicious it would be if we could only have "that", even though we know we never could. Then we do not have to deal with what we do not have. And we do not have to face issues like intimacy, commitment and love.

 

Learn to recognize longing and yearning for what we cannot have. And ask for the courage and wisdom to learn about the true delights of available, requited love.

- Melody Beattie "More Language of Letting Go"

[Minneloa]

Hi GC,

 

I say this gently, but you are spiraling here. What jumped out to me in your last post is that you are terrified that you will be subjected to a "spin campaign" on Facebook, LinkedIn, etc., and that you will feel engulfed by your ex's lies and attempts to deceive himself and others. First of all, this is a fear, not a reality; he may or may not launch such a campaign. Secondly, and more importantly, you are forgetting that YOU hold the power here. You do not, in fact, have to be subject to anything of the sort, because you can block and delete him on every possible social media site and internet nook and cranny you can think of.

 

I don't wish to invalidate your feelings. However, you are currently letting them lead you astray. Now is the time to act decisively. BLOCK HIM. There is absolutely no upside to maintaining these virtual connections at this point; they are simply fueling your fears and insecurities, which leaves you spinning in a painful emotional whirlwind. You need to protect yourself and give yourself some mental space to heal.

 

M.

[jphcbpa]

Oh my God. Where do you live? Can we meet for coffee? Seriously, you say so much great stuff, stuff I need to hear and it's such a balm. I don't know where to begin to respond, except to say that one reason this is so helpful is that I feel very isolated where I am, in large part because I fear this is not over between my ex and me, but not in the sense I wish.

 

Texas....sure come on. LS is a life saver. Along with therapy. You are on the right path. You are on "the path" for you. That is all that matters.

 

My fear is that while I am very vulnerable, working in therapy to separate fact from fantasy and to gain the courage, for the first time in my life, to pay attention to MY needs and to ACT when they are not being met, my ex is going to do things that will make what is already a hard process even harder.

 

The more work you do on you, the less compatible you and your ex will be.

 

I know he has not forgotten me. He knows I have kept in contact with his mother, though unbeknownst to her yet I am putting a stop to it. I know that even though he supposedly condones it, it makes him uncomfortable, because he knows she disagrees with his behavior. She told me he has avoided her stringently ever since the breakup, and yells at her every time she has tried to talk about it with him.

 

Contact with his mother is basically contact with him. You are still in contact with him because spending time with her opens the wounds.

 

So given that and our physical proximity in this small town, I'm sure he has not forgotten me, and I fear he will attempt to slap me in the face with how he has moved on. He does things like polish up his image on LinkedIn, on which we are connections. It's not "sincere" in that the business he claims to have on LinkedIn he does not have, and all his connections are from his Facebook of all the people he worked with at this scientific institute back in his late twenties, the last time his life seemed to have any clear direction. He basically added those FB connections to LinkedIn, along with the same profile photo he has on his dating profile. It's to create spin, I know this, and I can't help feeling he does it with awareness that I will notice. He did after all swear to me that when he finished his book--the one he kept using as an excuse for why he couldn't plan anything for our future; he "had to finish the book first"--he "would send it to me with a big 'F*ck You' attached to it."

 

Seriously, sweetie...just stop. It does not matter. Do not participate in this madness. Keep this about you. He is God's child to worry about. Step 1...You are powerless over ______ (ex name) and your life has become manageable.

 

So my fear is that in this small town, where everyone knows and loves his family, he's going to rub in my face every APPEARANCE of moving forward he can muster. A lot of it, most of it, will just be appearances, but I fear I'll be the ONLY person who sees that. His mother has a vested interest in viewing him as someone without the problems he has (and she did finally admit to me a recognition of deep-seated problems), and will partake of the illusion. So I fear I'll be engulfed in it from all sides and in my vulnerable state it will seem like he got it together for someone else, but not for me, that the "fantasy" wasn't a fantasy, but something real that he just did not want to share with me. I fear seeing it all over FB, LinkedIn, the internet, not just from him but from his mom and sister and then out in public. ANd I don't know that I'll have the wherewithal to just look the other way, and feel secure in the truth that I know.

 

Because he is counterdependent, he has a keen interest in appearances, and having felt humiliated by me and my insistence on truth, realness and vulnerability while he proved incapable of any of those things including a commitment to me, part of reestablishing good appearances will be somehow trying to show me up, or get back at me. Just as an example: a few weeks after we broke up, we ran into each other at a restaurant on his birthday. I was there with a friend and he was there with his family. When they saw me there, they went to another restaurant. It was the only time we've run into one another, and the reason I dread it happening again is that while his family greeted me, everyone looking uncomfortable and sad, and I greeted them and him and said, "Happy Birthday," he was cordial, but then flashed me this very, very sexual wink that was totally inappropriate given the context and our status and especially given that when we were together, he NEVER made that gesture toward me. It was like he was personifying some sex symbol dude that girls just drool over, and in that wink he was making me into one of the girls. It felt insulting, degrading, and very, very passive-aggressive (which was his wont). I found it very unnerving and hurtful.

 

Fear - False Evidence Appearing Real. Again, only God knows the truth of what is really going on. Let it go.

 

I right now am so vulnerable, and it will take me several months before I get back to any semblance of a secure place. I feel paralyzed by this fear

.

 

Yes, you are very vulnerable. This is why you need to be in NC. With his mother, dating site, linked in, fb ect. I suggest reading some of the books I mentioned to you ASAP.

[jphcbpa]

He is Taco Bell. He is making tacos and damn good at it.

 

You want hamburgers. They DO NOT sell hamburgers at Taco Bell. NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL.

 

You are trying to force him to sell hamburgers. He CANT and you cannot convince him to try.

 

You need to heal up, grow/learn, move on so you can have a real loving R in the future.

 

Your inner child is very wounded.

Inner Child Healing Techniques

By Robert Burney

“When we are reacting out of old tapes based on attitudes and beliefs that are false or distorted, then our feelings cannot be trusted.”

 

“When we are reacting out of our childhood emotional wounds, then what we are feeling may have very little to do with the situation we are in or with the people with whom we are dealing in the moment.”

 

In order to start be-ing in the moment in a healthy, age-appropriate way it is necessary to heal our “inner child.” The inner child we need to heal is actually our “inner children” who have been running our lives because we have been unconsciously reacting to life out of the emotional wounds and attitudes, the old tapes, of our childhoods.”

 

The one who betrayed us and abandoned and abused us the most was ourselves. That is how the emotional defense system that is Codependence works.

 

The battle cry of Codependence is “I’ll show you - I’ll get me.”

 

We have an age of the wounded inner child that relates to each stage of the development process. It is very important to start getting in touch with these parts of ourselves and building a Loving relationship with each of them.

 

Anytime we have a strong emotional reaction to something or someone – when a button is pushed and there is a lot of energy attached, a lot of intensity – that means there is old stuff involved.

 

It is the inner child who feels panic or terror or rage or hopelessness, not the adult.

 

We need to ask ourselves “How old am I feeling right now?” and then listen for an intuitive answer. When we get that answer then we can track down why the child was feeling that way.

 

It is not that important to know the details of why the child is feeling that way – it is important to honor that the child’s feelings are valid. Sometimes we recover some memory and sometimes we don’t – the details are not that important, honoring the feelings is important. Trying to fill in the details isn’t necessary and can lead to false memories.

 

“It is also a vital part of the process to learn discernment. To learn to ask for help and guidance from people who are trustworthy, . . . That means counselors and therapists who will not judge and shame you and project their issues onto you.

 

(I believe that the cases of “false memories” that are getting a lot of publicity these days are in reality cases of emotional incest – which is rampant in our society and can be devastating to a person’s relationship with his/her own sexuality – that are being misunderstood and misdiagnosed as sexual abuse by therapists who have not done their own emotional healing and project their own issues of emotional incest and/or sexual abuse onto their patients).

 

Someone who has not done her/his own emotionally healing grief work cannot guide you through yours. Or as John Bradshaw put it in his excellent PBS series on reclaiming the inner child, “No one can lead you somewhere that they haven’t been.””

When one of our “buttons” is pushed - when an old wound is gouged – it is very important to honor the child’s feelings without buying into the illusion that it matches the adults reality.

 

“What we feel is our “emotional truth” and it does not necessarily have anything to do with either facts or the emotional energy that is Truth with a capital “T” especially when we our reacting out of an age of our inner child.”

The following paragraphs are excerpts from one of my columns. It is entitled “Union Within” and explains some of the dynamics of the inner child parenting process.

 

“Recovery from Codependence is a process of owning all of the fractured parts of our selves so that we can find some wholeness so that we can bring about an integrated and balanced union, a marriage if you will, of all the parts of our internal self. The most vital component of this process in my experience is the healing and integration of the inner children. In this column I am going to be talking about some of my inner children in order to try to communicate the importance of this integration process. . . .”

 

“The seven year old within me is the most prominent and emotionally vocal of my inner children. . . .

The despairing seven year old is always close by, waiting in the wings, and when life seems too hard, when I am exhausted or lonely or discouraged – when impending doom or financial tragedy seem to be immanent – then I hear from him. Sometimes the first words I hear in the morning are his voice within me saying “I just want to die”.

 

The feeling of wanting to die, of not wanting to be here, is the most overwhelming, most familiar feeling in my emotional inner landscape. Until I started doing my inner child healing I believed that who I really was at the deepest, truest part of my being, was that person who wanted to die. I thought that was the true ‘me’. Now I know that is just a small part of me. When that feeling comes over me now I can say to that seven year old, “I am really sorry you feel that way Robbie. You had very good reason to feel that way. But that was a long time ago and things are different now. I am here to protect you now and I Love you very much. We are happy to be alive now and we are going to feel Joy today, so you can relax and this adult will deal with life.”. . . .

 

“The integration process involves consciously cultivating a healthy, Loving relationship with all of my inner children so that I can Love them, validate their feelings, and assure them that everything is different now and everything is going to be all right. When the feelings from the child come over me it feels like my whole being, like my absolute reality – it isn’t, it is just a small part of me reacting out of the wounds from the past. I know that now because of my recovery, and I can lovingly parent and set boundaries for those inner children so they are not dictating how I live my life. By owning and honoring all of the parts of me I now have a chance to have some balance and union within.”

We need to be the Loving parent who can hear the child’s voice within us.

 

We need to learn to be nurturing and Loving to the wounded parts of us.

 

We can do that by actually working on developing a relationship with those wounded parts of us. The first step is to open a dialog.

I believe that it is important to actually talk to the children inside of us.

 

To open communications in any way we can through talking to those parts of ourselves in a Loving way (which means also to stop calling ourselves names like stupid – when we do that we are abusing our inner children), right hand/left hand writing, painting and drawing, music, making collages, taking the child to the toy store, etc.

 

At first the child will probably not trust you – for many very good reasons. Eventually we can start building trust. If we will treat ourselves with one tenth as much compassion as we would an abused puppy who came into our care – we would be Loving ourselves much more that we have been.

“As long as we are judging and shaming ourselves we are giving power to the disease. We are feeding the monster that is devouring us.

We need to take responsibility without taking the blame. We need to own and honor the feelings without being a victim of them.

We need to rescue and nurture and Love our inner children and STOP them from controlling our lives. STOP them from driving the bus! Children are not supposed to drive, they are not supposed to be in control.

 

And they are not supposed to be abused and abandoned. We have been doing it backwards. We abandoned and abused our inner children. Locked them in a dark place within us. And at the same time let the children drive the bus – let the children’s wounds dictate our lives.”

It is very important to nurture ourselves out of the Loving adult in ourselves - the one who understands delayed gratification.

It is the wounded child in us that wants instant gratification.

 

We need to set boundaries for the wounded part of us that wants to go unconscious or indulge in things which are abusive in the long run.

“The pain of being unworthy and shameful was so great that I had to learn ways to go unconscious and disconnect from my feelings. The ways in which I learned to protect myself from that pain and nurture myself when I was hurting so badly were with things like drugs and alcohol, food and cigarettes, relationships and work, obsession and rumination.

 

The way it works in practice is like this: I am feeling fat; I judge myself for being fat; I shame myself for being fat; I beat myself for being fat; then I am hurting so badly that I have to relieve some of the pain; so to nurture myself I eat a pizza; then I judge myself for eating the pizza, etc. etc.

To the disease, this is a functional cycle. The shame begets the self-abuse which begets the shame which serves the purpose of the disease which is to keep us separate so the we don’t set ourselves up to fail by believing that we are worthy and lovable.”

Edited May 14, 2014 by jphcbpa