Dating break, or try online dating? [update]

[Zapbasket]

True to my drive to pursue answers to lingering questions, I have been keeping tabs on my ex. I never knew where he stood or what he wanted while I was with him--what he wanted for himself let alone for our relationship. So I suppose, as part of processing the loss, I'm trying to see evidence of what I missed, what I did not see, apparently, while I was in the relationship with him.

 

Anyway, I found him on an online dating site. I don't have a filled-out profile; I just created an account for curiosity's sake, for when I am ready to begin dating (I'm not there yet; too busy in therapy trying to understand my relationship patterns and where they originated, and too busy building my life where I live.)

 

He has a filled-out profile. I found him on it last night, and he's been on it all morning. I doubt he could figure out it's me on there as I gave a different age, no description and no pictures...but he's a shrewd guy so I wouldn't put it past him at least to suspect.

 

I'm feeling a lot of emotions. Sadness. I feel gutted, all my energy sucked away. I guess this is concrete evidence that in all this time, rather than working through his emotions to at least be able to reach out and leave things on a better note, he's just determined to move away from the whole thing, not taking any responsibility, and does not plan to contact me any time soon, if ever. It's really wrenching even though I am not exactly surprised, because it shows he's more than willing to just throw the whole thing away, good and bad.

 

And then I feel this confusion--the same confusion that kept me in the relationship longer than I should have stayed given his behavior. In his dating profile he says, "I consider myself thoughtful and kind." But with me, he was not that, much of the time, not by a long-shot.

 

[Please note that a lot of what I'm describing refers to stuff I've talked about in earlier threads on this relationship--"Handling Teasing," "I think I might be done," "Interpretations? My gut says end it," to name a few.]

 

So I did not experience him as thoughtful and kind, though the POTENTIAL for such always seemed just under the surface. He was always irritated with me, and his tone oftentimes was one of contempt. He was very apathetic in the relationship, passive-aggressively so--or he was super-depressed, I was never entirely sure which, or maybe it was both. He was always mistrustful, and seemed almost to WANT to sabotage our interactions. Harmony with him seemed always just out of reach, and I kept reaching and feeling more and more demoralized, confused, and frustrated.

 

But in his profile, he says he's interested in someone "who looks at potential gained, not limitations lost." And I just want to scream--I was HOOKED on the potential, eventually BEGGING him to try to realize it. But he would always say to his mom and to me about me, "I'm sick and tired of hearing about what I am not, rather than what I am." This would be in response to me reacting with hurt, frustration and eventually anger to his irritable outbursts and provocative, passive-aggressive behaviors. And he said he wants "someone who is a big pursuer of big dreams." I WAS THAT! HE DID NOTHING IN THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE TOGETHER! I am a very motivated, accomplished, big-dreaming person and achiever and all he could say to me in his breakup email was, "I always feel two steps behind you."

 

It all just makes me feel like it will only be with ME that he acted badly, and he'll treat the next girl much, much better. I'm in therapy in part to stop this cycle of belief, but i feel so diminished and confused by this relationship that to see him say these things on a dating profile, and be on a dating profile when he told me he was so lost and his life was a mess, etc. just HURTS and draws out that newly "old" pattern of feeling I'm somehow lacking, somehow at fault for how I was treated

 

I could use some helpful perspective from less scrambled and vulnerable minds than mine.

[Zapbasket]

This may have been the most confusing relationship I've ever had, in my life. On the surface, K. seems so smart and motivated with lots of creative ideas. But he turned out to be the most apathetic person I ever met. He was always trying to get under my skin, and when I'd protest and ask him to stop, he'd get annoyed and say I was being "difficult" or "oversensitive."

 

I think I stayed, in part, because he was this weird amalgamation of caring and a jerk. I was constantly on my toes. Now that it's over, I feel like I'm having a really hard time moving on, because I feel so confused. Therapy is helping, but only very, very slowly.

 

ANd it's another layer of confusion that he's online and seeking to start dating again. My best friend and my mom tell me in no uncertain terms that he will be the same way with the next girl. But I fear not. ANd that feels unbearable to me, that fear.

[STM206]

The unfortunate thing is whatever answers we get will only bring more pain, confusion and anger.

 

Some people are hard to read - you're seeing his new relationship through rose tinted glasses.

 

On a dating profile you can say whatever the hell you want. I could even claim to be Jesus reincarnated, would that make it true? No.

 

Whoever he gets involved with will eventually see the same quirks that you did. We tend to forget that, we assume they go skipping off in a tulip field together but there will be weeds, mole holes and eventually the reality of what a real relationship takes.

[JustC]

I'm currently going through heartache (almost three weeks after two years together) and I made the HORRIBLE mistake of searching for his online dating profile. And it was there. I was so upset I actually threw up. Threw off all of my recovery and into reverse, actually. NEVER do that again. No matter how curious. You are NEVER going to see what you want to see on there. Ever. Even if he's not on there and you THINK you're happy to see that... you're not because then it's running around in your brain and you'll check regularly for validation... until you see it one day. If you actually want to use the sites, block him on the site.

 

That said, I remember from my online dating years that guys almost ALWAYS lied. Or, I'd meet them in person and they'd talk s*** about their recent ex's and it's clear they're looking for a rebound. Or, and maybe you've seen or heard about this... Those guys who actually write ON their profiles about how their ex burned them and yadda yadda? My point here is that just because a person is on an online dating site doesn't "mean" anything. So put it out of your head and don't let it take over your emotions. You have enough struggles with that as it is already and you don't need any more.

 

My ex's profiles? He has the same thing up there as when we met. That he wants to find a woman to share his life with (when I know NOW that he really just wants someone to entertain him but not interfere with his lifestyle). He even shaved five years off of his age! And the guy I dated a couple of months before my ex? Had lied about his NAME because he had been arrested from owning a prostitution ring in Denver and had fled to CA. Yea, don't believe everything you read online. There's nothing you can do about them lying to the next girl. Just don't check up on him on it and continue to place him behind you.

Edited May 9, 2014 by JustC

[Elle1975]

I'm currently going through heartache (almost three weeks after two years together) and I made the HORRIBLE mistake of searching for his online dating profile. And it was there. I was so upset I actually threw up. Threw off all of my recovery and into reverse, actually. NEVER do that again. No matter how curious. You are NEVER going to see what you want to see on there. Ever. Even if he's not on there and you THINK you're happy to see that... you're not because then it's running around in your brain and you'll check regularly for validation... until you see it one day. If you actually want to use the sites, block him on the site.

 

That said, I remember from my online dating years that guys almost ALWAYS lied. Or, I'd meet them in person and they'd talk s*** about their recent ex's and it's clear they're looking for a rebound. Or, and maybe you've seen or heard about this... Those guys who actually write ON their profiles about how their ex burned them and yadda yadda? My point here is that just because a person is on an online dating site doesn't "mean" anything. So put it out of your head and don't let it take over your emotions. You have enough struggles with that as it is already and you don't need any more.

 

My ex's profiles? He has the same thing up there as when we met. That he wants to find a woman to share his life with (when I know NOW that he really just wants someone to entertain him but not interfere with his lifestyle). He even shaved five years off of his age! And the guy I dated a couple of months before my ex? Had lied about his NAME because he had been arrested from owning a prostitution ring in Denver and had fled to CA. Yea, don't believe everything you read online. There's nothing you can do about them lying to the next girl. Just don't check up on him on it and continue to place him behind you.

 

I was going to say the same thing.. people lie. It's stupid, but they still do it.

 

By the way..lol.. he really shaved off 5 years off his age? And I thought it was a woman thing...

[JustC]

Lol, yes. He lied to me about his age, too. (I'd met him online.) I figured it out within a few months and he admitted it when I pressed it. It feels good to laugh about this guy who just broke my heart but I can't describe how confused I was when I found out he had been lying about his age.

 

The only thing you can REALLY take from dating profiles is maybe hobbies... and hope they're not lying on the not-married and if they have kids part. I also worry that I made him a better man and I got the s*** end of the stick with my ex but... You just can't worry about that. There are plenty of guys out there who have been improved by their past relationship(s) for YOU to reap the rewards of... Although I really think that the only woman who can "train" a man is his mother when he was a child.

[BC1980]

Why are you torturing yourself by looking at his dating profile? Of course, you feel awful seeing it, but you've got to stop. You are not NC. Stop looking for answers from him. Look at yourself, and move forward. None of what you are doing is helpful in the least.

 

All the answers you need are inside of you.

[Michelle ma Belle]

We all believe what we want to believe sweetie. I'm fairly certain your ex doesn't see things the same way you do and especially doesn't see himself the same way you do.

 

He may have been a royal a**hole whether he realizes it or not but that isn't something you can really put in your OLD profile, is it? Perhaps our ex's should be the ones that create our OLD dating profiles How fun would THAT be?

 

Regardless, WHY are you snooping on your ex? If he was so terrible, why are you looking for him and more importantly, why do you care what he's posting on his OLD profile? Why torture yourself over HIM?

 

Continue with your therapy and do the work and forget about him. This has NOTHING to do with YOU! Trust me.

[bluegreen]

So you found out that he moved on He was already lousy prick as boyfriend and now he is lying trough his teeth on some dating site hoping to meet or hook up with someone else.

 

 

I feel for you I really do but in this case curiosity killed the cat.

[Zapbasket]

 

Whoever he gets involved with will eventually see the same quirks that you did. We tend to forget that, we assume they go skipping off in a tulip field together but there will be weeds, mole holes and eventually the reality of what a real relationship takes.

 

Thanks. Even his mother, about a year ago, told me that he had similar problems with previous girlfriends. That he tended to get irritable easily, and he would tease until it went too far. And his girlfriends would try to take it, but they couldn't. I came to imagine that the girlfriend before me wound up just as confused as I am: he was with her for two years, never said, "I love you" to her, promised to move states to be with her but kept putting it off. And finally she cheated on him, and is married to the guy she cheated on him with, and they now have two children. At first, when my ex told me about how she cheated, I thought, "What a b*tch." But then I came to wonder whether she felt stuck in the relationship, and frustrated by my ex's inertia and lack of "I love you's," and maybe could not articulate to herself quite what was wrong, so she fell into the arms of someone whose treatment of her was clearly interested and affectionate.

 

I know there's no way he has even begun to address his problems. He quit going to therapy as soon as he sent me the break-up email. And even his presence on a dating site suggests that he's not focused on trying to move his life forward like he said he would be.

 

Maybe part of it is is that as much as I probably should feel sorry for the next woman, I also feel jealous, because she has a chance to see all that potential bloom and therefore a chance to have the relationship with my ex that I so badly wanted and never quite got. I feel jealous of the possibility that she could reap the rewards of when he finally pulls his sh*t together.

[Zapbasket]

I'm currently going through heartache (almost three weeks after two years together) and I made the HORRIBLE mistake of searching for his online dating profile. And it was there. I was so upset I actually threw up.

 

I'm sorry for your pain, JustC . Many times yesterday and today after finding his profile I felt like throwing up, too. And I had this feeling of being utterly overwhelmed wash over me. Strangely, though, I'm glad to know. It confirms some thoughts about his state of mind and crumbles more of my hope for meaningful reconnection. I mean, if moving on is truly what he intends to do, I need to know, and I think I'm one of those people who needs it in my face otherwise my hope will keep gallivanting on.

 

My point here is that just because a person is on an online dating site doesn't "mean" anything. So put it out of your head and don't let it take over your emotions. You have enough struggles with that as it is already and you don't need any more.

 

Thanks so much for this. I've never really used OLD, so I don't begin to understand the motivations of people on there. I remember two exes ago, I discovered my ex on Match and we were delivered to each others' inboxes as 100% matches, after which he changed his profile heading to, "Now for something completely different." It devastated me at the time, but in retrospect I probably should have felt sorry for any girls he contacted under that monniker; it reeked of "still not over ex."

 

My ex's profiles? He has the same thing up there as when we met. That he wants to find a woman to share his life with (when I know NOW that he really just wants someone to entertain him but not interfere with his lifestyle).

 

So when you read that, it didn't hurt you? The way my mind works, my first thought upon seeing that would have been this feeling of shame and failure that I could not be that woman. And then a feeling of indignance that he can *claim* that's what he wants but when he had it he sabotaged it. ANd then finally a feeling of fear that since we broke up, he figured out what he wanted and his statement was true and what it boiled down to was that he didn't want ME to be that woman.

 

How did you feel about it? Did it make you feel inadequate in any way? (Not saying at all that it should have. My own self-beliefs are pretty f'd up, I'm realizing, and so that's where MY thoughts would go. Nuts, I know.

[Zapbasket]

I also worry that I made him a better man and I got the s*** end of the stick with my ex but... You just can't worry about that.

 

So how do you shut those thoughts off? I worry about the same thing and I find once I get into a certain groove, it's really hard for me to recover myself.

 

There are plenty of guys out there who have been improved by their past relationship(s) for YOU to reap the rewards of...

 

True, though those guys improved not because of the relationships so much as because of their own motivation to improve. Which speaks to their character; because of that they probably never were truly "bad" partners, just stubborn or blind and then when they saw that that got them nowhere, they made amends. I think the really difficult partners are not these guys--the difficult ones are too narcissistically wounded to truly change; they just find an equally f'd up partner who will put up with them.

 

Although I really think that the only woman who can "train" a man is his mother when he was a child.

 

I don't know why, as women, we so frequently fall into patterns of attempting to change our men. It never works if efforts to change aren't motivated from within them. Maybe that trait (self-motivation to change) is thanks to the good mothers out there, who teach their boys from the get-go how to respect women and how to care about others outside themselves.

[Zapbasket]

Why are you torturing yourself by looking at his dating profile? Of course, you feel awful seeing it, but you've got to stop. You are not NC. Stop looking for answers from him. Look at yourself, and move forward. None of what you are doing is helpful in the least.

 

All the answers you need are inside of you.

 

Thanks, BC1980. How do I cut him off completely? I live in a small rural town and he lives right down the road from me. We've managed not to run into each other all this time, which is pretty incredible except probably due to the fact that we both have distinctive vehicles--I have seen his truck at places and have chosen to go elsewhere to avoid encountering him, and I'd wager he has done the same.

 

But now that all this time has passed, and now that he's going to start dating and such, I think our luck is about to run out. I really don't want to see him. This relationship and breakup has been a real rock-bottom for me and I'm in a very vulnerable position in my life, committed to seeing a therapist to examine patterns I have that lead me to choose unfulfilling relationships and remain stuck in them. Encountering him will be too jarring at a time when I'm trying to change beliefs that in turn will change how I view things, including him.

 

I think that in part I keep tabs on him in hopes of ascertaining the validity of my beliefs and fantasies about him. Also in hopes of finding out things like this--ie, that he's looking to date--from the safety of my own home rather than walking into a cafe or such and seeing him with a girl and having to muster the balls to avoid saying hi, or the opposite.

 

And yeah, I guess my keeping tabs also shows that I'm still holding on. I am, and I know it's unhealthy, but that was my problem IN the relationship: that I held on despite my intuition telling me to leave. So, in that context, if I forcibly cut off ALL contact: no FB peeks or OLD spying or looking up at his window as I drive past his house (this is the only route to the grocery and the other side of town) to see whether his lights are on--will I really be better off? I mean, yes it hurts to know that he's looking at dating profiles and probably corresponding with women on the site with intent to go on dates with some of them and then, of course, to get laid...BUT I'm glad to know that's where his head is. It kills the fantasy that he's down the road missing and thinking about me and thinking about our relationship and possibly thinking of contacting me.

 

Because yes, a part of me yearns for contact--as in, where he actively reaches out, not as in, a random encounter. Without that, even living in such close proximity I don't think I can interact with him again, and that would be tough to maintain without my looking "petty" or some such.

[JustC]

So when you read that, it didn't hurt you? The way my mind works, my first thought upon seeing that would have been this feeling of shame and failure that I could not be that woman. And then a feeling of indignance that he can *claim* that's what he wants but when he had it he sabotaged it. ANd then finally a feeling of fear that since we broke up, he figured out what he wanted and his statement was true and what it boiled down to was that he didn't want ME to be that woman.

 

How did you feel about it? Did it make you feel inadequate in any way? (Not saying at all that it should have. My own self-beliefs are pretty f'd up, I'm realizing, and so that's where MY thoughts would go. Nuts, I know.

 

It hurt a little bit but not as much as his profile being up. He had the EXACT same thing up there as his profile when he met me. I think if he had changed it into saying he wanted a wife it would hurt me. And I would feel all of those things that you just described. All of them. And I'm sure that makes them normal feelings. But you have to remember that people lie. And the fact that he is still lying means that he hasn't changed what he wanted. If I were ready to start dating again, my profile would be totally different. I've found a whole new set of criteria in what I want from a relationship from my relationship with him. That means that I'm being truthful to who I am and what I want. Throwing up a BS is not being truthful. He made me feel inadequate as soon as he decided he "had" me in the relationship. The repairs I need to make to my self esteem and my feelings of self worth have nothing to do with what Mr J*ck*ss over there is doing with himself. I actually had a realization last night after talking with a friend who likes to travel (who is male so I couldn't hang out with him when I was dating my ex... even though I am not interested in the guy "that way") which is great because I was thinking I couldn't travel anymore since I always did that with my ex... One myth the ex had wormed into my mind found right there... And I realized that I'm NOT an irritable b*tch. I've known myself my whole life and that's NOT who I am. I became that way with my ex. With his temper and lack of regard to my feelings. Another myth, found. The more distance you have between you and this guy, these things dragging you down will come to the surface and you'll be like WHOA. It takes time and I have a lot of work to do with this myself. But, I see it starting to happen. If you weren't who you were before your relationship with him and he dragged you down and stomped on your self esteem, you can get that back with patience and being good to yourself by not letting yourself care about what he is doing.

 

To answer your questions of how I shut those thoughts off... I spent two weeks trying to do it on my own. The first week I was doing okay. Then I saw the dating profile and my world spun out of control. After days of being hardly able to function I finally got scared. I live alone and I couldn't bring myself to have interaction. My parents don't live TOO far away so I came to stay with them for a couple of days. I'm going on day three now and the improvement is pretty amazing. I'm surrounded by two safe people who love me very much. My mom is someone to go to the gym with and I'm forced to eat not only food but healthy food. I took on a project of like, detail cleaning one of their bathrooms. When bad thoughts start creeping up on me, I get up and walk, even if it's pacing around. Flip the channels on the TV. Whatever works. And I've been journaling. All you can do is try your best to mentally kick your butt when your head starts spinning with bad thoughts and it's best to be surrounded by loved ones to accomplish that.

Edited May 9, 2014 by JustC

[Zapbasket]

This week, I discovered my ex on a dating site. I have a profile on the site that is just a user name, no photo and no description, and I'm just checking out what's out there.

 

The discovery of my ex has made me feel really low. We broke up in August after 3.5 years. The relationship was difficult and confusing to me and when it seemed to recapitulate prior relationship experiences, I started therapy to take a good look at my relationship patterns in hopes of breaking this cycle of poor relationships and getting into something healthier. To this end, I decided a while ago to take at least a year from the time of the breakup where I don't date, but just work on myself and work on building up my life here, friendships, etc.

 

But seeing my ex online has set me back. While I'm looking at our relationship, my role in it, how it recapitulates prior experiences, etc., he isn't looking at or taking responsibility for any of it and has moved on. I know too well from my time with him that his actions and choices are not reflective of a healthy psyche making healthfully considered choices, but nevertheless I feel this stab of jealousy that he can selectively "forget" and put himself in line for something "new," at least on the surface (new person), while I am still steeped in trying to understand myself better in the context of the relationship and beyond.

 

I firmly believe that you carry whatever unresolved issues from prior relationships into new relationships until you finally decide to face those issues and make changes. But...am I making a mistake by taking this break from dating? Should I get out there and go on dates to help me clear my head of my ex, or is that unhealthy, if my patterns have proven unhealthy?

 

I know it's not a competition, but one of the things I struggle with regarding my finished relationship is that my ex never took responsibility for his contribution to the difficulties, while I allowed myself to absorb his unclaimed responsibility along with mine and basically did the work for two. I find it hard to accept that he can be out enjoying the company of new romantic possibilities, even if superficially, while I have to work through some really hard sh*t. I also can't help but resent this because it was his deep-seated, never-examined issues that were most responsible for the relationship's tenor and demise. And now once again I'm the only one doing any work, trying to understand what went wrong and trying to change myself so that my patterns become healthy ones.

 

Should I just keep going as I've been? Or should I get out there and try to go on some dates through online dating? I have been doing stuff with new guys I've met, but I met them doing activities I like IRL and the context is one of friendship (at least on my end).

 

Sometimes it seems unfair that people who are satisfied with the superficial (like my ex) don't have to work hard to get it, while people who want true depth have to try a lot harder before they see any rewards. I'm really jealous my ex at least will get to meet a new person and be able to pretend that this one will be different from the others (pretend, since he doesn't do any self-examination). Ugh. Just really struggling here. I can't wait until this chapter of my life closes and the new one, that is now just a seedling, blooms.

Edited May 11, 2014 by GreenCove

[FredJones80]

Chances are his next relationship will fail too if he isn't willing to address his own issues.

 

I've been taking a good hard look at myself, I know things I did wrong, I also did a lot right so I'm being thankful for that. If my negatives caused the downfall of the relationship I'll never know, sometimes its just one of those things.

 

Either way I'll rectify my faults as much as possible. My ex had a lot of faults too, but that isn't for me to point out, she must do some soul searching herself. I can think of at least 10 areas off the top of my head that she needs to solve and would of made our relationship a whole lot easier, things I accepted, things that made everything more difficult.

 

Regardless, that is for her to solve or not solve, what they do is no longer our business. Just be thankful that if they don't solve them then their next partner will have to be pretty damn well understand (ie; doormat) to accept all those issues or that r/s will die too.

 

One post I do like about changing yourself and you may enjoy is :-

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/203267-idea-changing#post2399592

[FortunateSon]

Fred said it very well. The bottom line is, even though it can be hard to accept, it no longer matters what your ex does. I have been in a similar situation where my ex I was with for 6 years(who had a LOT of issues btw) got into a relationship 4 months after we split. Did she really address her issues? Probably not. Is it really my problem anymore? Nope! As Fred mentioned, someone who has these issues who jumps into another relationship with out addressing them better hope the new person is "understanding"...a polite way of saying they're doormat or "yes" man/woman.

 

As far as being ready to date that is your call. If you are upfront about where you are at, it might be beneficial to get out and meet people. I am almost a year post BU, I started casually dating about a month after my split just to meet new people and get out. I had no intention of getting in a relationship and I was very upfront about that, which was appreciated. I ended up seeing that there are some really great women out there, which gave me hope for when I am ready for a relationship. Some of these women have become friends and possible romantic partners for the future when I am completely healed and in a better place. I have worked on myself, addressed my own issues, and have started to feel if the right woman came along now, I would be ready to get into a relationship.

[Minneloa]

Green Cove,

 

I am sorry you are hurting. But I will be blunt. From what I have read in your threads, you are actively torturing yourself and prolonging your pain by keeping tabs on your ex (Facebook, dating sites) and maintaining a relationship with his mother. Simply put, you will not be able to move forward unless you sever these ties. (I say this as a sensitive "dweller" who also has trouble letting go of relationships.) I know you do not want to fully cut ties with your ex, and I know you have strenuously defended your choice to keep these connections (particularly with his mom) but I guarantee you that these remaining links are holding you back. I think you really need to challenge yourself at this point. Why aren't you putting your own healing and self-protection first?

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[Minneloa]

P.S. In an earlier post, you ask if you will be better off not keeping tabs on him. The answer, based on my own experiences and hundreds of posts on this forum, is definitively YES! Cutting all contact will allow you to focus on yourself, rather than him. Yes, it will hurt to finally erase the last vestiges of him, but maintaining these links ultimately hurts you more by keeping alive (in your mind) a relationship that is dead, thus preventing you from healing.

 

It's a matter of cutting off input and information regarding your ex so that eventually your brain has nothing left to process and can focus on the present reality rather than the past relationship. Again, I say this as a fellow rehasher and over-analyzer.

[Zapbasket]

I have been in a similar situation where my ex I was with for 6 years(who had a LOT of issues btw) got into a relationship 4 months after we split. Did she really address her issues? Probably not. Is it really my problem anymore? Nope! As Fred mentioned, someone who has these issues who jumps into another relationship with out addressing them better hope the new person is "understanding"...a polite way of saying they're doormat or "yes" man/woman.

 

So...do you or did you ever have a nagging fear that it wasn't "her issues" but rather that you somehow exacerbated if not outright "caused" those issues? This is an insecurity of mine that is part of what keeps me on the hook. I have a lifelong habit of absorbing more than my share of the blame when relationships are awry. Logically I KNOW my ex had big issues, but his reactions to me and the dynamics of our relationship really left me demoralized. I can't shake this illogical fear that his negative view of our relationship (which contributed to the death of our relationship, his negativity) will be validated if he gets involved with someone who somehow is not fazed by his abrasiveness and lack of any kind of direction.

 

As far as being ready to date that is your call. If you are upfront about where you are at, it might be beneficial to get out and meet people. I am almost a year post BU, I started casually dating about a month after my split just to meet new people and get out. I had no intention of getting in a relationship and I was very upfront about that, which was appreciated. I ended up seeing that there are some really great women out there, which gave me hope for when I am ready for a relationship. Some of these women have become friends and possible romantic partners for the future when I am completely healed and in a better place. I have worked on myself, addressed my own issues, and have started to feel if the right woman came along now, I would be ready to get into a relationship.

What did you say by way of communicating that you are not interested in a relationship, just dating? How did you manage it when a woman you went on a date with clearly showed romantic interest in you? Did you keep things platonic with everyone, or did you get into FWB situations with some women (I don't want that; I want it to be strictly platonic but I fear as a woman dating men via an online dating platform that might be sending mixed messages?)? Did you say in your dating profile that you're not looking for a relationship? And, did you pay for the first dates, or go dutch? I haven't casually dated much really ever so I don't know the protocol, especially if for the time being my end goal is NOT a relationship. (That said, it'd be great to meet someone who became a friend and then it naturally evolved into something more when I was ready.)

[Zapbasket]

Green Cove,

 

I am sorry you are hurting. But I will be blunt. From what I have read in your threads, you are actively torturing yourself and prolonging your pain by keeping tabs on your ex (Facebook, dating sites) and maintaining a relationship with his mother. Simply put, you will not be able to move forward unless you sever these ties. (I say this as a sensitive "dweller" who also has trouble letting go of relationships.) I know you do not want to fully cut ties with your ex, and I know you have strenuously defended your choice to keep these connections (particularly with his mom) but I guarantee you that these remaining links are holding you back. I think you really need to challenge yourself at this point. Why aren't you putting your own healing and self-protection first?

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

 

Thanks, Minneloa. When delivered kindly, as you have done, bluntness rates highest in my book. So thank you. I have been thinking the same. I feel like an addict because despite trying I can't completely cut the impulse to keep tabs on my ex. He lives right down the road from me. Periodically I pass his truck on the highway, him going one direction, me another. I feel very emotionally vulnerable and have a constant fear of running into him, because I just don't have the strength to deal with that right now. This fear keeps me trapped and I don't know what to do to shake it. I really mean it when I say it will be way, way too much for me to encounter him. Maybe in a few months it will be okay, but NOT NOW.

 

Two weeks ago I met his mom for coffee. We did not chat about K. at all. It was a nice meeting but at the end I felt like I was going to cry and that's when it occurred to me that I just can't handle it. I do love her as a person separately from her ties with her son, but at the same time given it's clear her son has no intention of including me in his life ever again I have to mourn the loss of her as my potential mother-in-law and as the matriarch of a family unit that meant a great deal to me especially when I was just starting out in this town. It's just too hard and maybe she realized it, too, because I could tell she saw the look of pain in my face.

 

She usually initiates contact and suggests meeting and I really hope she calls me once more to get together, because I want to be able to tell her in person that I love her and want a friendship with her, but not now because it's too hard for me. I want to tell her I don't know when I will be able to engage meaningfully with her without feeling the ache of all that was lost. If she doesn't contact me, I suppose our mutual silence means we both are on the same page, but I'd rather be able to communicate this directly. So should I write her an email if many more weeks pass without hearing from her?

 

So, yes, you are right. I didn't want to cut ties as I didn't want to be unloving towards the one person in this whole thing who so clearly loved me truly throughout, but the last thing I need to feel like is some hanger-on when K. begins dating other people, especially when he gets another girlfriend.

[Zapbasket]

P.S. In an earlier post, you ask if you will be better off not keeping tabs on him. The answer, based on my own experiences and hundreds of posts on this forum, is definitively YES! Cutting all contact will allow you to focus on yourself, rather than him. Yes, it will hurt to finally erase the last vestiges of him, but maintaining these links ultimately hurts you more by keeping alive (in your mind) a relationship that is dead, thus preventing you from healing.

 

It's a matter of cutting off input and information regarding your ex so that eventually your brain has nothing left to process and can focus on the present reality rather than the past relationship. Again, I say this as a fellow rehasher and over-analyzer.

 

Again, thanks. I hadn't quite thought of it this way. But can you please help? How do I overcome the two big things that keep me in keeping tabs on him? The two things are:

 

1. I can't surmount my hurt and surprise that he just utterly quit on us after MONTHS, maybe a YEAR of me asking him what he wanted and getting hurt, then frustrated, then angry, and then FURIOUS that he couldn't communicate clearly with me. In fact, he made up a bunch of crap: asking my mom for permission to ask me to marry him and then never following it up; telling me after our 6-week break from the relationship last summer that he saw us engaged by the fall and that he wanted to go to Harvard or Oxford grad school for cultural anthropology (never mentioned that before and clearly that was just BS telling me what he thought I wanted to hear); telling my mother last summer when she asked why 7 months had passed since he asked her permission and there was no proposal that he was "lost" and "couldn't take any responsibility"; me walking out on him in August and then his mother teling me that he had told her he didn't think it was necessarily the end for us; and then in response to my email in September asking whether he'd consider going to couples counseling as we had intended and could we please discuss this in person, writing me an email saying that "any communication between us" from here on out was not possible. I feel lied to and confused that he couldn't just discuss hisfears or whatever was going on with me and I feel very stupid for giving him so many chances out of love for him when WHERE WAS HIS LOVE? I can't shake the humiliation and sadness.

 

2. The fact that we live in a small community. I'm not in a position to up and move and I don't want to uproot my whole life just to avoid encountering my ex and his family. But I also REALLY DON'T WANT TO ENCOUNTER MY EX OR ANYONE IN HIS FAMILY--not his two younger sisters, or nieces, or mom and dad, or brother or grandparents or uncle and aunt--all of whom live here. And most of all I don't think I can bear to see him, and even very most of all I think I will sink utterly if I encounter him with a new girlfriend. So how do I shut him out when he is so much in my face?

[FortunateSon]

So...do you or did you ever have a nagging fear that it wasn't "her issues" but rather that you somehow exacerbated if not outright "caused" those issues? This is an insecurity of mine that is part of what keeps me on the hook. I have a lifelong habit of absorbing more than my share of the blame when relationships are awry. Logically I KNOW my ex had big issues, but his reactions to me and the dynamics of our relationship really left me demoralized. I can't shake this illogical fear that his negative view of our relationship (which contributed to the death of our relationship, his negativity) will be validated if he gets involved with someone who somehow is not fazed by his abrasiveness and lack of any kind of direction.

 

Of course! I blamed myself at times and wondered if I had contributed to her issues, just like I know that she actually intentionally contributed to mine. The fact that she was malicious about this made it an easier thing for me to accept. As you said, logically I realized that she had these issues before I came in to her life, this is something I would remind myself of if I found myself thinking too much about it. I think it is important for you to realize that your illogical fear of his negative view of your relationship and any possible validation from a new relationship is exactly that...ILLOGICAL, it absolutely does not matter or have anything to do with you or your purposes anymore...keep that in mind.

 

What did you say by way of communicating that you are not interested in a relationship, just dating? How did you manage it when a woman you went on a date with clearly showed romantic interest in you? Did you keep things platonic with everyone, or did you get into FWB situations with some women (I don't want that; I want it to be strictly platonic but I fear as a woman dating men via an online dating platform that might be sending mixed messages?)? Did you say in your dating profile that you're not looking for a relationship? And, did you pay for the first dates, or go dutch? I haven't casually dated much really ever so I don't know the protocol, especially if for the time being my end goal is NOT a relationship. (That said, it'd be great to meet someone who became a friend and then it naturally evolved into something more when I was ready.)

 

I started online dating, with the intention of meeting new people without expectation and if something happened...it happened. I was very honest about where I was and when I realized I was not interested in pursuing a relationship, I let them know that in a very tactful way. I was open to the opportunity to a relationship, but when I realized I wasn't there I let them know. I was not platonic with everyone, and a few FWB situations happened, but it was communicated and talked about mutually. Others were strictly platonic. For first dates, we would usually meet for drinks and keep it causal without too many expectations or pressure. I was careful not to burn any bridges and can honestly say I could contact just about any of them and reconnect if they are still single. It was a good thing for me moving forward.

[Minneloa]

She usually initiates contact and suggests meeting and I really hope she calls me once more to get together, because I want to be able to tell her in person that I love her and want a friendship with her, but not now because it's too hard for me. I want to tell her I don't know when I will be able to engage meaningfully with her without feeling the ache of all that was lost. If she doesn't contact me, I suppose our mutual silence means we both are on the same page, but I'd rather be able to communicate this directly. So should I write her an email if many more weeks pass without hearing from her?

 

You are welcome, Green Cove. Like I said, I strongly relate to your thought processes and empathize with your struggle.

 

Regarding the mom, I think it's best to let it die a natural death if possible. If she contacts you, I would take the opportunity to explain what you said above, but I wouldn't initiate communication. There's a strong possibility that she senses your pain and will bow out gracefully.

 

I'm sorry for the loss of this person in your life. Unfortunately, she is "collateral damage" in the breakup and, as you stated above, only reminds you of the breakup and its accompanying losses.

[Minneloa]

Again, thanks. I hadn't quite thought of it this way. But can you please help? How do I overcome the two big things that keep me in keeping tabs on him? The two things are:

 

1. I can't surmount my hurt and surprise that he just utterly quit on us after MONTHS, maybe a YEAR of me asking him what he wanted and getting hurt, then frustrated, then angry, and then FURIOUS that he couldn't communicate clearly with me. In fact, he made up a bunch of crap: asking my mom for permission to ask me to marry him and then never following it up; telling me after our 6-week break from the relationship last summer that he saw us engaged by the fall and that he wanted to go to Harvard or Oxford grad school for cultural anthropology (never mentioned that before and clearly that was just BS telling me what he thought I wanted to hear); telling my mother last summer when she asked why 7 months had passed since he asked her permission and there was no proposal that he was "lost" and "couldn't take any responsibility"; me walking out on him in August and then his mother teling me that he had told her he didn't think it was necessarily the end for us; and then in response to my email in September asking whether he'd consider going to couples counseling as we had intended and could we please discuss this in person, writing me an email saying that "any communication between us" from here on out was not possible. I feel lied to and confused that he couldn't just discuss hisfears or whatever was going on with me and I feel very stupid for giving him so many chances out of love for him when WHERE WAS HIS LOVE? I can't shake the humiliation and sadness.

 

2. The fact that we live in a small community. I'm not in a position to up and move and I don't want to uproot my whole life just to avoid encountering my ex and his family. But I also REALLY DON'T WANT TO ENCOUNTER MY EX OR ANYONE IN HIS FAMILY--not his two younger sisters, or nieces, or mom and dad, or brother or grandparents or uncle and aunt--all of whom live here. And most of all I don't think I can bear to see him, and even very most of all I think I will sink utterly if I encounter him with a new girlfriend. So how do I shut him out when he is so much in my face?

 

Here's the thing, GC. From my perspective as an outsider, neither #1 nor #2 is a reason to keep online tabs on your ex. In fact, I would argue that severing these ties will help in each case:

 

1) All of the hurt, anger, confusion, and questions that you express are natural following a breakup. However, and this is the key part, you will not find answers to these questions from your ex, and in particular, not from Facebook or dating sites! As I mentioned in an earlier post, this indirect contact you are keeping is actually *feeding* your pain and leading to more questions, not fewer. When you saw him active on a dating site, it reopened your wound and led you into an emotional spiral. Moreover, dating sites and Facebook are notoriously unreliable sources of information; they are all about image and spin, not facts. So, instead of providing you with clarity or closure, these forms of contact keep you stuck in the past, focused on your ex, and reliving the pain of the breakup. IGNORANCE IS BLISS, or at least it allows you to clear your head and concentrate on yourself rather than trying to retroactively analyze the relationship and its failure. The sad fact is that, for whatever reason, he wasn't able to sustain a healthy relationship with you. No status update or dating profile is going to shed further light on that or ease your pain.

 

2) I understand that you live in a small town near your ex, which is very difficult. But you still can take steps to set boundaries between you and information about him: delete him on Facebook, block him on the dating site, cease contact with his mom. You might not be able to avoid him entirely (i.e., random sightings of him on the road), but you can take concrete, active steps to prioritize your healing by cutting off the "fuel supply" for your ruminations. I think you might be surprised at the relief you experience by not keeping tabs on him; it sounds mentally and emotionally exhausting.

 

GC, I strongly urge you to defriend and block TODAY. I know you don't want to; none of us here did. But I really think you need to take a strong, positive action towards your own healing.

 

M.