Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Did you check the data usage? Often picture/video messages show up on a different page. How have you been doing?
Author FairyTalePrincess Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 Well, I am still just upset and go from trying to ignore it and forget to just being depressed and 'in a corner' ((((( I am not sure how to interpret the data usage...........I see the numbers on the bill, but I honestly don't know how to correlate that with any potential wrong-doing on that phone. BTW, *I* was the one for 10 years who did NOT want a roommate situation. HE was the one that was 'cold fish'. Finally, he went and got t-levels checked, which evidently was part of the problem. He had gotten better to where it was not really roommates anymore, but not because he really wanted to either (basically, just to appease me - or at least that's the feeling I got whenever something happened). I don't know if that changes any of the responses or not. In that case, it would have made more sense for ME to be the one out hooking up with somebody else.
Author FairyTalePrincess Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 BTW, he still is grudging to even talk about it, which is why I either get depressed and lock myself in a room (not literally, but might as well) or just get sad inside and suck it up. I CAN'T bring it up without him telling me he wants to just move on from it. I can see clearly that IC probably IS the only thing that is going to help at this point, because honestly, I just don't know what to do - can't say anything, yet keeping it in is not helping either (( So this could be a 'mini d-day'?? Didn't think about it like that.
BetrayedH Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 Get a voice activated recorder and place it under the steering column in his car. Consider a second one for the house if there's anywhere he goes to have private phone conversations. And buy a GPS unit for his car. And stop asking him anything. Play stupid and compliant. Gather your data so that you can make an informed decision.
RightThere Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I would venture to say that the communication between you and your husband sucks. Badly. You can do what others suggest and lay in the weeds, gathering evidence, waiting to pounce when you have enough info that proves he is (obviously) having an emotional affair and (possibly) a physical one. Or you can lay out what you think is acceptable, what is not acceptable, and start doing some "180" on him. I think IC would be great, but try to get him to come to couples counseling. Lay it all out on the line because you really are at a crossroads right now. Continuing on with not discussing the real issues in your relationship will just allow it to sink further away. You are both adults in an adult relationship. He seems like he'd rather pout about being caught, so it's up to you to put on your big girl pants, grab the relationship by the balls, and shake it up. Either that or walk away. Because in my opinion, doing nothing at this stage you may as well give him a free pass to screw around because it will seem like you don't care. I know it's hard right now. Believe me. Stay strong and good luck. 1
tornapart2002 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 You can find out what numbers he is calling and do a reverse search and find out who it is. That's one way I nailed my husband to the wall and told him he was a liar. Well, I am still just upset and go from trying to ignore it and forget to just being depressed and 'in a corner' ((((( I am not sure how to interpret the data usage...........I see the numbers on the bill, but I honestly don't know how to correlate that with any potential wrong-doing on that phone. BTW, *I* was the one for 10 years who did NOT want a roommate situation. HE was the one that was 'cold fish'. Finally, he went and got t-levels checked, which evidently was part of the problem. He had gotten better to where it was not really roommates anymore, but not because he really wanted to either (basically, just to appease me - or at least that's the feeling I got whenever something happened). I don't know if that changes any of the responses or not. In that case, it would have made more sense for ME to be the one out hooking up with somebody else. 2
tornapart2002 Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Yes...it could be. I had one of those...first I found proof he had sent her gifts through his Amazon account and then he denied anything physical so I went looking and found him "confessing" to her sister abot what he'd done and then I found all the times he'd talked to her on his phone after I kicked him out when I found out about the physical affair. I really hope it isn't a mini-d-day for you. It really sucked for me to have two ddays essentially. I'm thinking of you today...it's going to be a rollercoaster. BTW, he still is grudging to even talk about it, which is why I either get depressed and lock myself in a room (not literally, but might as well) or just get sad inside and suck it up. I CAN'T bring it up without him telling me he wants to just move on from it. I can see clearly that IC probably IS the only thing that is going to help at this point, because honestly, I just don't know what to do - can't say anything, yet keeping it in is not helping either (( So this could be a 'mini d-day'?? Didn't think about it like that.
beach Posted May 14, 2014 Posted May 14, 2014 Is his phone in your name? You could call the carrier and ask for copies of all those texts. He doesn't seem concerned he's been hurting your feelings! Kick him out today with one bag. Maybe he will get a firm idea he's been doing something that harms you. If needed - change the locks and move money into your name only. He's being mean - start doing something that shows him you're not going to take his poor behavior!
littleplanet Posted May 18, 2014 Posted May 18, 2014 The first two things that jump out at me: You say you had ten years where you lived more like room-mates? Big red flag there. That is ripe territory for vulnerabilty to an affair. How you found out (what you think you found out) is immaterial. That's just playing with technology. He is not an office machine to fix the bugs out of. He's a human being. You don't need to play Sherlock here. You need to call him out, and get down to brass tacks. You can't fix your marriage with electronic surveillance. He's not a dog with an e-collar. Sorry about the tone. I'm not a big fan of cloak and dagger. But seriously.....it could very well be that this co-worker is filling some pretty deep and emotional need in your husband. Why would that be? She could quite possibly have zero physical attraction to him......that's all reserved for the one she's having "R" problems with. Yet if he acts all contrite and guilty over being found out - quite possibly he feels far different. (Unrequitement?) Here's a twist: When I was young and foolish, I carried on an unrequited affair for 7 years. (Like I said, I was foolish.) During those 7 years I also carried on two other affairs that weren't unrequited at all. One of them was pretty torrid. I happened to mention this to a good friend - who pointed out incredulously, that I was in love with two different women at the same time (envisioning me hopping from bed to bed.) I said, not so. The 'morality' of it takes a hike - because one of the two is a never was, never will be......unrequited. Big difference. If your husband feels attracted but unrequited - then in it's own weird way, that's his safety zone. Though he wishes something might happen, he maybe knows in his little doggie heart that nothing ever will. In that way, the conditions, such as they are - sort of let him off the hook - and keep him 'true.' To see if there is more going on, OP - ask him. He's not an errant schoolboy. He's your husband of 22 years, and the father of your children. This question may involve a deep emotional counter-current. That comes with the territory. But after all this time together - you two know each other well enough to get to the bottom of things, don't you? 1
Recommended Posts