FairyTalePrincess Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Hello, everyone. A brief history. Married 22 years with two 'tween' children. Most of the time it has been happy, though more like roommates the last 10 years or so, though there have been times of improvement. My H has a dad that left his mom for an AP when H was a teen, and he swore he would NEVER put himself or his W through that if and when he got married, as he saw the devastation it caused to him and his siblings. Fast forward to today................I had become very suspicious of some of his behaviors. While before he had ZERO interest in SC with me, he suddenly became pretty interested. He also started watching shows on tv that were out of the ordinary for him and things ordinarily he would NEVER be in his personality to watch, started locking his cell phone, had it with him ALL of the time, and a few other quirky things. I didn't think much of it until I decided to take a peek at the cell records online, since I do the bills. Normally I just look at the overall bill and don't really care about all of the numbers going back and forth, but this time I did..............and discovered 1400+ texts going back and forth to who I later learned was a younger female co-worker who he had said in the past was going through 'boyfriend problems'. Texts were basically a few times in the morning and throughout the day, with TONS of them after hours (i.e., after ten p.m. - he stays up late - has always, ALWAYS been a night owl as long as I have known him - these texts would go FOR HOURS - one night there was FIVE hours worth of texts!). I printed the text records and have them in a safe place. I actually managed to get his phone under the guise of having him show me some pictures he had on there, and I quickly saw THREE of the texts (was scared he would see me, so stopped there). He basically had said 'you could get any guy you want', 'you know how I feel about you', and 'maybe we could go out after work sometime'. I very much suspect there was no physical contact, as he wouldn't have made the comment about going out after work sometime. I CONFRONTED HIM. He admitted it, but only AFTER I told him I had cell records and recited what he had said to her on those three texts. He said he was sorry, knew it was wrong, and was only trying to help her 'as a friend' because of her R problems. He still has to work with this woman. I am worried now that maybe he is finding another way to communicate with her 'after hours' since he knows I am on to him with the cell phone. I knew that would be a risk in confronting him, BUT, I also had hoped to stop whatever they had going in its tracks before it escalated. Questions: 1. Do having cell records constitute 'proof' should I find out later there is more to this and I decide I need to leave? 2. Did I make a mistake confronting him so early? Should I have let it played out more? 3. What else can I do to see if there is more going on? He is an IT person, so all of the things I have read (key logger and what not), would be something I know he could detect. I cannot even get on his computer or his phone anyways. He still has the phone glued to him at all times and the computer I have no password. Any thoughts?? Did I make too much of this????
No Limit Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 He's having an emotional affair, at least; that's for sure. The secrecy makes it pretty obvious. Yes, it was a mistake to confront him because now finding more proof will become harder. A private investigator is probably the last person to help you now. And don't believe in this crap like "he's just helping out" etc. He's going to try to keep you distracted by giving you as little information as possible, hence why he didn't say anything until you spooked him with the quotes. You could try demanding to see his messages for a start, but I'm sure he's started deleting them all. Not sure how you're going to keep him away from an affair he won't even admit to.
Hope Shimmers Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Sorry you are going through this. Yes, you made a mistake confronting him at this stage, especially because he is an IT guy and that really limits your options for finding out the truth. The fact that you caught him having inappropriate text messages with a co-worker, yet he still seems to think he can block you from his phone and computer, is disturbing. Why are you letting him brush it under the rug as if it's no big deal? This guy is having an emotional affair and would have a physical affair if he had the chance, I am guessing. Even now. As for your first question about collecting evidence - do you mean from a legal perspective? It depends upon the state you live in (if you live in the US) but most states are 'no fault' now, meaning that even if an affair can be proved, it makes no difference in the divorce proceedings. 1
Friskyone4u Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 There is something going on. Unfortunately, in today's society, the more tech savvy person is the one with the advantage at this point. Since he already knows you are on alert, if this is the worst thing then it will go deep underground. The changes in his behavior will be the indicator. If he is carrying on and is in PA with this girl, he will spend more time away from you. Sexually women can hide cheating more easily. They can come home from having sex with AP and just lay back and have sex. Not as easy for men. I would pay attention to any changes on his "performance", "drive", etc. She could make him more sexual so if all of a sudden he wants it all the time that is also a red flag if that is not normal for him . 1
Author FairyTalePrincess Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Well, I had hoped to STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS which is why I took immediate action. The texting had started the month prior, with about half the number of texts (but still, that's a lot - about 700 in a month), so I was honestly thinking if I could intervene EARLY, it would prevent anything worse from happening. No Limit, do you think there is something an investigator could help with at this point? I am not sure if I read your sentence correctly - that there is nothing they can do to help at this point OR that they are the only thing that could help me now. Frisky, he is definitely more tech-savvy, since this is his job. 25 years in the IT business. I am definitely at a disadvantage. Any way I can find out if he is using some third-party texting service?? Is this something a PI could find out? I don't see how this could be discovered without getting his phone, which is NEVER away from him. Even though he says he has removed password now, the phone still NEVER leaves his side. Used to be he would leave it on the table when he went to the shower, to mow the lawn, or when watching TV (left it on table where it could charge). Now it is NEVER on the charger. Ever. Which is why I still think something is going on. <<<<<<<<<Sigh>>>>>>>>. I thought I was stopping something in its tracks, now I am just in the dark..........probably still doing it, just more underground as pointed out (( Any thoughts on this???
KaliLove Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 It definitely sounds like he's still up to no good. Honestly, even if you did 'stop it in its tracks', that doesn't take away the fact that he did it, lied about it, and doesn't even seem all that apologetic about it. His excuses are nonsense..he only admitted to communicating with this girl after you showed him proof and he's still trying to convince you that it doesn't mean anything when it clearly does. He hasn't changed his behavior since you found out..he's not even trying to hide it! The cojones on this man! 1
MuddyRock Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 He should send her a no contact text in front of you. He should give you full transparency to his phone. If he wont do either then there is something wrong. The NC text can be something like we wont be texting or calling each other anymore as this has gotten inappropriate. Only contact will be for work. Get a program like spybubble on his phone. It is not traceable. If he has an Iphone texts can be restored. Why didn't you ask to see his phone right then and there to see what his texts all looked like? 1
Fluttershy Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 The tv and sex interest are not enough to be red flags. The phone and sheer volume of texts are all you need to know. Get the book "not just friends" by shirley glass. Be firm on this. You say his phone is never away from him? Where is it when he sleeps? Under his pillow? Late night texting is not an innocent thing. Does your H use a desktop or laptop? Does he spend a lot of time on it after you alseep? If it is a desktop and the answer is yes you kay be able to catch him. I'm sorry his inapp actions have caused so much damage.
fellini Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Well you have already told him you are on to him. And although, sure, it was early to tell him, Im in the boat with you that I would rather STOP SOMETHING that is stoppable rather than wait for him to have sex with her just so I had "better proof". If you want your husband back, you need to do some things: 1. Tell him you want GPS on his phone, and he can have GPS on yours. 2. No more blocking the phone, you are a couple, you need to be able to check. 3. He must know now about the access you have to see the numbers he uses, so now he will move to skype or some other form of communication you cannot trace. 4. Tell him that you will end your marriage in a second if he does not end this flirtatious game with this SYT. The most serious issue is your marriage (Notice that I am not blaming you for his flirting, I am now addressing your own post about the state of your marriage. If you and he are more like "roomates" you take the risk that either of you will behave like "roomies". This is unacceptable. Whether it's because you had a child centered marriage that became like roomates when the children became more independent with age is not the issue. Something was allowed to die in your marriage. You need to get that back, and probably last week, not next month. Work with ANYTHING you can find on revitalizing a stagnant marriage. Have a look at "Marriage Fitness" (Mort Fertel) or have a look at Esther Perel "Mating in captivity, reconciling the domestic with the erotic") This SYT has activated a long dormant chemical in his brain that you need to switch OFF (through NC - which means no digital contact either) and you need to FEED it through yourselves. Not "a third". The thing is this chemical can be created any number of ways, you do not need to dress up in some private school girls outfit and play spanking games. It's about finding ways to bring mystery, desire, the unknown, connection back into a marriage that was in a coma. Jump start your marriage.
No Limit Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) Well, I had hoped to STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS which is why I took immediate action. The texting had started the month prior, with about half the number of texts (but still, that's a lot - about 700 in a month), so I was honestly thinking if I could intervene EARLY, it would prevent anything worse from happening. No Limit, do you think there is something an investigator could help with at this point? I am not sure if I read your sentence correctly - that there is nothing they can do to help at this point OR that they are the only thing that could help me now. You can't stop him. The only way for that would be to take his phone for good and force him to be at home early, but the only person who could do that would be his mother while he was 14 years old. This affair is his intention and goal. You can't prevent it, especially since he - like all people taking part in an affair - are focused on it and forget about the relationship. There is nothing anyone could do to help your relationship. Some will now probably point to their marriage counseling but there's no point in going if it's only you who is sincere about it. An investigator could help you to get proof. That way, well, in case he becomes a b!tch during a divorce it would help you in court. I know I should probably wait before using the word "divorce" here but your husband is only a few days away from physically cheating on you; if he hasn't done that already, and he already is a liar and egoist. Things will go downhill for a while. Especially if he doesn't follow or outright refuses to do anything fellini has posted right above me. Edited May 11, 2014 by No Limit
fellini Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 You can't stop him. The only way for that would be to take his phone for good and force him to be at home early, but the only person who could do that would be his mother while he was 14 years old. This affair is his intention and goal. You can't prevent it, especially since he - like all people taking part in an affair - are focused on it and forget about the relationship. Not true at all. All he needs to know is that if he continues, his marriage is over. He will either wake himself up, or he will continue. That moment has yet to be forced. It would be better he wake up before he moves any closer. 1
Scorpio Chick Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 If your goal is to do whatever you can do to save the marriage, there are things you could try. First, you should ask him direct, bold, point blank questions: Do you want to be married to me? Do not let him be evasive. He owes you this, you owe him nothing. I agree with others also, if he has not already crossed the line physically, he will unless he is shown that you take this seriously. See what his answer is about remaining married to you. If he says yes, you need to look at the facts in this situation. This young co-worker knows he is married and yet continues to engage in her disgusting behavior with him. You say she is much younger and you say she is a co-worker. Is he her superior, is he in an authoritative position above her in this company? It's one thing to be fooling around on your wife, but to a company, he's engaging in risky behavior to the company. They may need to know about this. He might be out of a job, fired, and a lawsuit filed against the company. For all we know, this is the young girl's intention. I would seriously look at that aspect, and if so, you might call HIS supervisor and give him a heads up about what's brewing between your husband and his co-worker. I would stick a GPS whatever under his car and track where he goes. He might be tech savvy, but are you? What does he think and know about your savvy? Use that to your advantage. And legally, yes, it can make a huge difference in dollars when you have proof. I hope this works out for you and your children. He is a full grown adult and knows full well what he's doing and he just does not care about anybody else but himself right now. Therefore, you have to adopt that same mentality.
goodyblue Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 If your goal is to do whatever you can do to save the marriage, there are things you could try. First, you should ask him direct, bold, point blank questions: Do you want to be married to me? Do not let him be evasive. He owes you this, you owe him nothing. I agree with others also, if he has not already crossed the line physically, he will unless he is shown that you take this seriously. See what his answer is about remaining married to you. If he says yes, you need to look at the facts in this situation. This young co-worker knows he is married and yet continues to engage in her disgusting behavior with him. You say she is much younger and you say she is a co-worker. Is he her superior, is he in an authoritative position above her in this company? It's one thing to be fooling around on your wife, but to a company, he's engaging in risky behavior to the company. They may need to know about this. He might be out of a job, fired, and a lawsuit filed against the company. For all we know, this is the young girl's intention. I would seriously look at that aspect, and if so, you might call HIS supervisor and give him a heads up about what's brewing between your husband and his co-worker. I would stick a GPS whatever under his car and track where he goes. He might be tech savvy, but are you? What does he think and know about your savvy? Use that to your advantage. And legally, yes, it can make a huge difference in dollars when you have proof. I hope this works out for you and your children. He is a full grown adult and knows full well what he's doing and he just does not care about anybody else but himself right now. Therefore, you have to adopt that same mentality. Eh, it depends where you are. We live in a no fault state. Didn't make a single iota of difference. And we had a full on affair, and are together now.
oldshirt Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I'm going to address a few things here in bold. Some of it may offer some hope but I'll warn that some will be a kick in the gut. Hello, everyone. A brief history. Married 22 years with two 'tween' children. Most of the time it has been happy, though more like roommates the last 10 years or so Ok here's the first big punch to gut. It may have been 'happy' to you, but if you have been more like roommates for 10 years, then he has been very very unhappy. women can live pretty much happily ever after in roommate-like marriages and just have some lament and nostalgia over the dwindling passion. Men on the other hand languish and suffer. He is probably desparately unhappy and you weren't aware of it. He has probably tried to tell and talk about it but you interpreted it as him whining and complaining and probably accused him of being a horny old man and a pervert and never getting enough. My H has a dad that left his mom for an AP when H was a teen, and he swore he would NEVER put himself or his W through that if and when he got married, as he saw the devastation it caused to him and his siblings. Assuming that he hasn't actually cheated yet, this is probably the only reason. Fast forward to today................I had become very suspicious of some of his behaviors. While before he had ZERO interest in SC with me, he suddenly became pretty interested. What is "SC?" He also started watching shows on tv that were out of the ordinary for him and things ordinarily he would NEVER be in his personality to watch, started locking his cell phone, had it with him ALL of the time, Definitely a warning sign that something is going on. It may not be physical yet but the process has begun. and a few other quirky things. I didn't think much of it until I decided to take a peek at the cell records online, since I do the bills. Normally I just look at the overall bill and don't really care about all of the numbers going back and forth, but this time I did..............and discovered 1400+ texts going back and forth to who I later learned was a younger female co-worker who he had said in the past was going through 'boyfriend problems'. Texts were basically a few times in the morning and throughout the day, with TONS of them after hours (i.e., after ten p.m. - he stays up late - has always, ALWAYS been a night owl as long as I have known him - these texts would go FOR HOURS - one night there was FIVE hours worth of texts!) If "it" hasn't actually happened yet, the groundwork is being laid. . I printed the text records and have them in a safe place. Smart move. Protect all information you discover. I actually managed to get his phone under the guise of having him show me some pictures he had on there, and I quickly saw THREE of the texts (was scared he would see me, so stopped there). He basically had said 'you could get any guy you want', 'you know how I feel about you', and 'maybe we could go out after work sometime'. Based on just those 3 (out of 1,400 ) txts, I would say he does have a middle-aged man crush on her but her legs have not gone over his shoulders yet. I very much suspect there was no physical contact, as he wouldn't have made the comment about going out after work sometime. I CONFRONTED HIM. He admitted it, but only AFTER I told him I had cell records If he hasn't laid the lumber to her yet, he was planning on it or hoping to. and recited what he had said to her on those three texts. He said he was sorry, knew it was wrong, and was only trying to help her 'as a friend' because of her R problems. Classic, classic, classic, classic line. In fact it's cliche'. He still has to work with this woman. I am worried now that maybe he is finding another way to communicate with her 'after hours' since he knows I am on to him with the cell phone. I knew that would be a risk in confronting him, BUT, I also had hoped to stop whatever they had going in its tracks before it escalated. It was a calculated risk and one that most of us probably would've taken. At this point yes, they may take it deeper underground but depending on circumstances you may be able to head off a disaster. More on this later..... Questions: 1. Do having cell records constitute 'proof' should I find out later there is more to this and I decide I need to leave? question for you, what do you need the "proof" for. If you are in the US, it's a good assumption that your state is no-fault and if you want to divorce, you don't even need a reason and you certainly don't need "proof". Or by 'proof' do mean do you have 'proof' of an affair and thus justifies you leaving? That's a question only you can answer. More on that later too...... 2. Did I make a mistake confronting him so early? Should I have let it played out more? What are your true objectives here???? are you wanting to save the marriage and keep your marriage and family intact? Or are you wanting to catch him red-handed with his hand in the cookie jar so you can leave and find another cookie of your own???? If you are wanting to save the marriage you are at step one of a 5000-step journey. If you are wanting justification to leave and you want to be the martyred betrayed spouse, you jumped the gun and drove them deeper underground. here's the catch either way, if they haven't got it on yet, but they do get together and she digs him and has a true sexual desire for him, you are probably done. If he has sex with her and it is good passionate sex, your 10 year roommate relationship is probably going to be dead in the water. You won't be able to compete against a younger gal that actually desires him. 3. What else can I do to see if there is more going on? He is an IT person, so all of the things I have read (key logger and what not), would be something I know he could detect. I cannot even get on his computer or his phone anyways. He still has the phone glued to him at all times and the computer I have no password. Again, where are you going with this????? Are you wanting proof of an affair so you can justify a divorce to your mother, your nosey Aunt Bernadine in Montana and most importantly, to yourself???? Or are you wanting to keep your husband from falling for a younger woman and saving your marriage???? My input is you have enough to act on either way. If you want out give him his freedom and the ability to pursue a full-service relationship and find true love again, and do the same for yourself with as little fuss and collateral damage as possible. But if you are wanting to save the marriage and spend out your days as happy and healthy as possible together then act fast and get him to the discussion table and get into marital counseling Monday morning!!!! Any thoughts?? Did I make too much of this???? No. that rattling sound you are hearing is a great big, granddaddy rattlesnake that is coiled up posed to strike about an inch from your leg. one wrong move it will sink it's fangs deep into your flesh. What I don't quite understand at the moment is what way you are wanting to go with this. Are you wanting this to be a warning sign and that you are wanting to save the marriage? Or are you wanting it to be your bus ticket out of the marriage? Do you even know at this point??? responses above. Please tell us if you are wanting to save the marriage or take this as an opportunity to move on. It will help us determine to deal with the rattlesnake coiled up at your feet.
oldshirt Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 so now to address some of this other stuff that I said, 'more on later.." The first question you need to answer here is what is your end-goal here? Are you wanting to save the marriage and live happily ever after or do you want a golden justification for divorce where you won't look like the bad guy in front of your friends and family and all the ladies down at the PTA? I'm actually picking up more vibes telling me you are looking for grounds to split than a shocked wife, heartbroke over finding out her husband has the hots for some young hottie down in marketing. I'm going to back up and further address something from my first post- If you've been roommates for 10 years, your husband is miserable and has been for about 9 1/2 years. If he hasn't been cheating for 9 years already, it's due to his own moral compass and values. And you've kind of been taking advantage of that. Somewhere around 10 1/2 years ago you lost sexual attraction and desire for him and slumped into this roommate arrangement. You may have continued to love him and enjoyed the stability and resources and security that he provided and benifited from his support and coparenting, but while that was going on, he was suffering from the lack of passion and intimacy and romance/sexuality. At some point this other gal came along and he has discovered those feelings again. This leaves you at a crossroads but either way you are going to have to act fast. I'm actually assuming at this point, that you are almost ready to leave the marriage and are hoping this is the smoking gun to gather up your stuff and exit stage-left. If that's the case, my recommendation is take this as your sign that he is wanting to move on too and just face the facts that you are both disillusioned with your marriage and are wanting more in life and that it's time to move on. You can address it amicably and compassionately and respectfully and you both can sit down like adults and parents and come up with a game plan to dissolve the marriage and work together to come up with a fair and reasonable coparenting plan and a fair division of marital assets and allow each of you to move on with as much peace and goodwill as possible. Divorce doesn't have to be a bunch of monkeys having a tantrum and throwing poop at each other. Divorce doesn't have to hurt kids. Kids are hurt by one or more of their parents being abusive or neglecting them or abandoning the family or are unrepentant adulterers. Your children are not young kids in pullups that need 24/7 hands-on care by two parents to flourish. If you and your husband can agree to show each other compassion and respect and work together to coparent cooperatively, your children will not be harmed and neither of you will need to suffer through a nasty divorce. My spidey senses are telling me you want proof of your husbands affair so you can use it to attack him and slander him and use that info as leverage to stick it to him good in a divorce. This will cause backlash against you and make it worse for you actually. If you attack and slander him, he will be forced to do the same back to you and an ugly and bitter divorce DOES hurt children. If you are looking for a telltale sign that your husband is disengaging and dissatisfied with your marriage and developing feelings for someone else, you have it. If you yourself are disengaged and ready to move on and are looking towards a new life, you don't need more proof and you don't need to leave scorched earth and burned bridges behind you. You can just admit that this marriage has run it's course and that you can take a few months of mediation to work out the division of assets and determine a coparenting plan and both of you can be free to pursue the life that each of you wants before New Years.
Author FairyTalePrincess Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Have to be quick, as I haven't had a moment to myself all day and still don't..............I WANT to save this M! I took some of those steps and he got SUPER-defensive esp. about the phone. SUPER defensive. Agreed to it, but grudgingly. Not a superior/suborndinate situation, just co-workers.......I, too, will be back. And don't want to bitten by a snake, for sure!
oldshirt Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 .......Now on the chance that I am wrong and that you do want to save your marriage. The approach is going to have to be much the same. You are going to have to face up to the fact that he has developed feelings for this other woman. And you are going to have to address the issue of the 10 year roommate thing. If you want to save the marriage you will have to draw a line in the sand on this other woman and you will need to have transparency and be assured that there is no further contact with her... ...but you are also going to have to address that a decade of being roommates is devastating for a man and that there has already been a lot of damage and distance in the connection between you. And please understand that a few blow jobs and a few nights of lingerie and candlelight are not going to undue 10 years of neglect for either of you. Make no mistakes, this will require WORK. It will require honesty and communication and compassion and tolerance and going outside your box and will require professional counseling and therapy. And don't think you will have the upper hand with the txting and be able to force him to the negotiating table and think that you will be able to dictate your terms to him because of his bad behavior. He may decide he doesn't want to go through all the work and effort to try to rekindle what may be a dead marriage. He now knows he can catch the eye of younger single women even if this office fling doesn't pan out. If he were the one writing in to this forum, I would advise him that there would be no guarentees that things would work with this OM but he knows from personal experience that you are perfectly OK with going 10 years with no passion, intimacy, romance or sexuality. She is an unknown quantity for sure, but you are a known dead fish. So getting back on what to do about more evidence, you have enough to know there is a serious serious serious serious problem. If you want to save this marriage you must address it this moment and not let things go another minute. If you wait until she does ride him like a stolen horse, you will be dead in the water. he won't look back. You may be able to head off a disaster here but you are going to have to go into it with addressing the 10 year lack of intimacy and correcting that as your platform. If you try to call him out as a cheater and try to smack him back down into a sexless, passionless marriage of convenience, he'd be an idiot and a castrated pussy not to pack his bags and leave. 2
oldshirt Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Have to be quick, as I haven't had a moment to myself all day and still don't..............I WANT to save this M! I took some of those steps and he got SUPER-defensive esp. about the phone. SUPER defensive. Agreed to it, but grudgingly. Not a superior/suborndinate situation, just co-workers.......I, too, will be back. And don't want to bitten by a snake, for sure! OK, you and I were posting at the same time. Thanks for stating the position of wanting to save the marriage. I could tell some of the other posters were unclear of that as well. Now we know what we have to work on and there is A LOT of work to be done. I too have to go and don't know when I'll be back but now that everyone knows what your objective is, people can address it more directly,
beach Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 (edited) He's totally cheating! No man spends 5 hours communicating with another unless they are invested in them! He could now have a secondary throw away phone. Unless he has severe and immediate consequences that make him really scared - he's not likely to consider ending it. Kick him out now and expose to family. Edited May 11, 2014 by beach 1
Fluttershy Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 OP really heavily think on ratting him out to his parents. Do you really want to have to tell his mommy in order for him to be good? Once you tell people you invite them into your marriage and you already have one too many in it. When wanting to work on the marriage telling people should be a need to know basis or for your own support. Never for punishment. Old shirt has some good advice. I may repeat some of his but here it goes. Draw a hard line in the sand. Try to keep from arguin when you do or becoming emotional. Let him no what he is doing is cheating. That you want to be married to him and work on your relationship but you cannot do that when he is investing in this other person. Be honest and tell him how it makes you feel. If he uses the little "just friends" line tell him he is either lying to you or lying to himself. "just friends" don't text that much. Listen to him on what e wants out of the marriage. Tell him in order for you to feel safe again he needs to be an open and honest book that doesn't grudgingly hand over his phone. Let him know he has broken yor trust and needs to get it back. Let him know you want a good marriage where both people give and are honest. I would suggest marriage counselling and require IC for at least him. A christian counsellor but certified can be good because if they aren't over the top they don't condone cheating or lying about it. Also require him to get and read "not just friends" by shirley glass and see him reading it. Read it himself. Let him know if he isn't willing to work on this with you, your marriage is over... And mean it. This iswhy IC can be good for you. Many waywards gaslight and minimize and to keep the affair going after a little dday like this will become emotionaly abusive in trying to make you feel like your lack of trust is your fault. Be strong against this. He broke the trust. He needs to fix that.
Realist3 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You didn't move too quick in confronting him, you were just too squishy in allowing him to explain it away. No married man has 1400 texts in a month with some other woman for plain Jane reasons. I don't care what the excuse is. He is involved with her, at least on an emotional level, and it ain't just friends. Seriously, what would be the magical number of texts?
fellini Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 It's not just the number of texts, its the message, and the way it's written. My WS telling her AP not to worry about his "testosterone" problem, but focus on the G spot was the only message I needed. If he has 1400 messages, he is definitely "getting off" on messaging. Text provides that chemical reaction of infatuation because it is so immediate, and the anticipation of an instant reply feeds the Dopamine and Norepinephrine sufficiently that delaying the physical actually makes for longer periods of addiction. When he is sending these messages he is experiencing "racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms". If he were not, like any normal human, he would not be able to stand so much texting!
oldshirt Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 When he is sending these messages he is experiencing "racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms". If he were not, like any normal human, he would not be able to stand so much texting! Yeah I seriously doubt they are staying awake to send 1400 txts on budget reports at work. 1
forbidden_love Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 There is something going on........................... Sexually women can hide cheating more easily. They can come home from having sex with AP and just lay back and have sex. Not as easy for men. I would pay attention to any changes on his "performance", "drive", etc. She could make him more sexual so if all of a sudden he wants it all the time that is also a red flag if that is not normal for him . I have to stop you there...... that is utter rubbish. I could not have sex with my H when I was in the affair. BUT sometimes having an affair makes you more sexual towards your partner, much more. It is called hysterical bonding. When I split from my MM I went through this with my H and lots do. It is quite normal to want more sex apparently. I suspect my MM didn't as he has ED.
beatcuff Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Well, I had hoped to STOP IT IN ITS TRACKS which is why I took immediate action.... you did the right thing [to save M]. too many on this board 'enjoy the chase', would prefer you together 'overwhelming' evidence then crush your WS. if he was honest, being caught should end it. if he was withholding ---- when you go to MC (you should). it will come out. why? after 22 years you should know when he is holding back. just like you caught him in the first place.
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