Did you ever suspect your spouse had a crush? Did you confront?

[SweetClover]

People in relationships are attracted to other people all the time.

 

Have you ever picked up on a crush your spouse had on someone else? Did you confront them or not?

 

Have you ever had a friend or noticed someone else had a crush on your spouse?

I do ask for a specific reason.

 

My MM texted me about an hour ago and said his wife thinks he's still crushing on me, and one of the things she said was that she can tell by the voices we use when talking to one another and by his smile.

 

She has brought this up plenty of times but hasn't in months. Sometimes I wonder why she doesn't ask questions if she suspects. She just mentions it indirectly as if she wants him to know she knows. She doesn't confront and ask anything.

 

I'm sure some crushes are harmless and that would be a reason not to bring it up.

Edited May 10, 2014 by SweetClover

[todreaminblue]

yes i have and i wouldnt confront.......because it is hurtful to think about......i would just let it go until it became an issue.......

 

 

 

if i am attracted to someone inside of a relationship i cease contact with that guy i am attracted to other than polite greetings if seen.... ...because i dont go around hurting the guy i am with and i supposedly love, on purpose...............and it is on purpose if you know you have feelings for another and talk to them regularly...pushing yoru luck i call it....its dangerous and a possible painful ending isnt soemthing i as a person will ever cause or be part of......deb

[Haydn]

Never confront. Trust, if it is abused, ive lost nothing special.

[dichotomy]

 

 

1) People in relationships are attracted to other people all the time.

 

2) Have you ever picked up on a crush your spouse had on someone else? Did you confront them or not?

 

3) I'm sure some crushes are harmless and that would be a reason not to bring it up.

 

 

1) thats true. Human nature, but of course how we deal with it - how we process those thoughts and feelings - is what matters - if we have commitments to others, or they to others.

 

2) Yes, my wife has poor verbal filters sometimes, likes to talk, and things slip out. I also know her better than she knows herself. I have confronted in different ways, some poorly at first, others better suited to get her to realize she need to rethink how she processes her sexual attractions, and her predispositions.

 

3) Yes many are harmless and we are all human and sexual beings. Its good to be alive. However it depends on the person, their past behaviors and weaknesses. It is an issue I need to keep working with my wife on due to her past mistakes and weaknesses. In your specific case there was actually a previously open and permitted sexual encounter and so ....there is a natural issue there.

 

 

 

If I may blunt - Is the point here to provide you and your married man with assistance in continue to hide your relationship, or simply your worry that dDay is approaching (which I suspect it will sooner or later).

Edited May 10, 2014 by dichotomy

[BetrayedH]

Once during my (ex)wife's affair with her boss (which was unknown to me at the time), she kept rambling about how well they were doing at work together and so forth. I said, "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were having an affair with the guy." She said, "I guess you haven't met Jose before. He's balding with glasses and definitely not my type. I'll have to tell my friend, Jan, that you said that. She'll get a big laugh out of it."

 

It turns out that the laugh was on me. And Jan knew all about their affair. Hysterical, huh?

 

If this is the dynamic that's playing out in your MM's household, you should be ashamed of yourself.

[SweetClover]

1) thats true. Human nature, but of course how we deal with it - how we process those thoughts and feelings - is what matters - if we have commitments to others, or they to others.

 

2) Yes, my wife has poor verbal filters sometimes, likes to talk, and things slip out. I also know her better than she knows herself. I have confronted in different ways, some poorly at first, others better suited to get her to realize she need to rethink how she processes her sexual attractions, and her predispositions.

 

3) Yes many are harmless and we are all human and sexual beings. Its good to be alive. However it depends on the person, their past behaviors and weaknesses. It is an issue I need to keep working with my wife on due to her past mistakes and weaknesses. In your specific case there was actually a previously open and permitted sexual encounter and so ....there is a natural issue there.

 

 

 

If I may blunt - Is the point here to provide you and your married man with assistance in continue to hide your relationship, or simply your worry that dDay is approaching (which I suspect it will sooner or later).

 

Thanks for your post I agreed with the whole thing.

 

I'm really confused about my whole situation right now and I want it to be in the open but at the same would never out it without permission so not I'm not looking for better ways to hide it. I just want to understand what's going on.

[SweetClover]

You seem to be awfully confused over being physically attracted to someone and having a crush on someone, they are not the same thing. People in loving relationships can still find others attractive, but they do not get crushes on other people. If they do, it is a sign of deeper troubles.

 

There is no such thing as a "harmless crush" if you are in a relationship and yet have a crush on someone else. Then the phrase just becomes an oxy moron.

 

I don't think I'm confused. I don't mean you just think the person is attractive. A crush in this sense would mean, thinking about the person all the time, putting them on a pedestal, getting nervous, flustered, butterflies in the stomach and talking about them to other people constantly in an excited way. A crush. Personality, looks, doesn't matter when you are crushing on a person you love and are into them for it all.

 

A harmless crush can happen in a relationship if you just don't pursue it and iy would eventually fade.

[SweetClover]

Once during my (ex)wife's affair with her boss (which was unknown to me at the time), she kept rambling about how well they were doing at work together and so forth. I said, "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were having an affair with the guy." She said, "I guess you haven't met Jose before. He's balding with glasses and definitely not my type. I'll have to tell my friend, Jan, that you said that. She'll get a big laugh out of it."

 

It turns out that the laugh was on me. And Jan knew all about their affair. Hysterical, huh?

 

If this is the dynamic that's playing out in your MM's household, you should be ashamed of yourself.

 

I'm not laughing at anyone. I wouldn't. This is the single biggest lie I've ever been a part of and I'm not a fan.

[BetrayedH]

I'm not laughing at anyone. I wouldn't. This is the single biggest lie I've ever been a part of and I'm not a fan.

 

Yet, she is still being played the fool.

 

If I may ask, what do you plan to do?

[yakamoz]

I have a major crush on my boss and my husband knows about it. I have been married 10 years I can't hide anything from him. He is really not the jealous type so it doesn't seem to bother him much. He in fact jokes that he is my 'work husband'. Part of it is that he really trusts me. However, I am not sure he knows how painful it has been for me to try to control this and not cross any lines. It has been going on for the last 18 months and no end in sight. I am pretty sure it is mutual but I am also sure we will not cross any lines. We haven't yet and we both understand the consequences. It is a constant struggle and I always have to be conscious of my actions around him. It really is very draining but my H is oblivious to it for the most part. I do hope I don't betray his trust.

[BetrayedH]

I have a major crush on my boss and my husband knows about it. I have been married 10 years I can't hide anything from him. He is really not the jealous type so it doesn't seem to bother him much. He in fact jokes that he is my 'work husband'. Part of it is that he really trusts me. However, I am not sure he knows how painful it has been for me to try to control this and not cross any lines. It has been going on for the last 18 months and no end in sight. I am pretty sure it is mutual but I am also sure we will not cross any lines. We haven't yet and we both understand the consequences. It is a constant struggle and I always have to be conscious of my actions around him. It really is very draining but my H is oblivious to it for the most part. I do hope I don't betray his trust.

 

I highly recommend the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will change your perspective, which is what, I suspect, you really need.

[KaliLove]

I imagine it must be quite painful to be someone's dirty little secret. It's clearly making you unhappy. Why don't you just tell him to either leave his wife and be with you out in the open or you'll walk away, and then follow through? Why don't you love or respect yourself enough to do that?

[yakamoz]

I highly recommend the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will change your perspective, which is what, I suspect, you really need.

 

Change my perspective how? I haven't done anything wrong with this man and I never will. I can't control how my body physically reacts to someone. I was attracted to him from the first moment I saw him. He does physically resemble my H a lot so it is probably why I am so attracted. However, I can control what I do or don't do. It is difficult but I have been analyzing this for a long time. I have simply learned to live with it. I don't do anything that puts me in situations that may tempt me.

[dichotomy]

I have a major crush on my boss and my husband knows about it. I have been married 10 years I can't hide anything from him. He is really not the jealous type so it doesn't seem to bother him much. He in fact jokes that he is my 'work husband'. Part of it is that he really trusts me. However, I am not sure he knows how painful it has been for me to try to control this and not cross any lines. It has been going on for the last 18 months and no end in sight. I am pretty sure it is mutual but I am also sure we will not cross any lines. We haven't yet and we both understand the consequences. It is a constant struggle and I always have to be conscious of my actions around him. It really is very draining but my H is oblivious to it for the most part. I do hope I don't betray his trust.

 

 

I am worried for you. Please consider some individual therapy. I hope things are well in your marriage and life.

[yakamoz]

I am worried for you. Please consider some individual therapy. I hope things are well in your marriage and life.

:)awwww thank you for worrying about me but I am perfectly fine. I think there are so many stories in LS where people crossed lines they were not supposed to that people forget these crushes happen and some people do have self control. They don't always lead to cheating. Honestly, when you are in this site you think everyone must be cheating on their spouses but I have actually never met anyone at work who is cheating on anyone. I think crossing that line is extremely difficult. In any case, I really have no issues with my H or my marriage. As I said, my H knows my feelings, I don't hide anything from him. He knows I would not do anything wrong.

[BetrayedH]

Change my perspective how? I haven't done anything wrong with this man and I never will. I can't control how my body physically reacts to someone. I was attracted to him from the first moment I saw him. He does physically resemble my H a lot so it is probably why I am so attracted. However, I can control what I do or don't do. It is difficult but I have been analyzing this for a long time. I have simply learned to live with it. I don't do anything that puts me in situations that may tempt me.

 

I'm glad to hear it.

 

Regardless, it's a remarkable book that will help reinforce your boundaries. Just my $.02. Perhaps you can learn more than what you already know.

[Fluttershy]

I have a major crush on my boss and my husband knows about it. I have been married 10 years I can't hide anything from him. He is really not the jealous type so it doesn't seem to bother him much. He in fact jokes that he is my 'work husband'. Part of it is that he really trusts me. However, I am not sure he knows how painful it has been for me to try to control this and not cross any lines. It has been going on for the last 18 months and no end in sight. I am pretty sure it is mutual but I am also sure we will not cross any lines. We haven't yet and we both understand the consequences. It is a constant struggle and I always have to be conscious of my actions around him. It really is very draining but my H is oblivious to it for the most part. I do hope I don't betray his trust.

 

Change my perspective how? I haven't done anything wrong with this man and I never will. I can't control how my body physically reacts to someone. I was attracted to him from the first moment I saw him. He does physically resemble my H a lot so it is probably why I am so attracted. However, I can control what I do or don't do. It is difficult but I have been analyzing this for a long time. I have simply learned to live with it. I don't do anything that puts me in situations that may tempt me.

 

:)awwww thank you for worrying about me but I am perfectly fine. I think there are so many stories in LS where people crossed lines they were not supposed to that people forget these crushes happen and some people do have self control. They don't always lead to cheating. Honestly, when you are in this site you think everyone must be cheating on their spouses but I have actually never met anyone at work who is cheating on anyone. I think crossing that line is extremely difficult. In any case, I really have no issues with my H or my marriage. As I said, my H knows my feelings, I don't hide anything from him. He knows I would not do anything wrong.

 

You sound naive and your first post does not jive with your last. You say your husband doesn't know how hard the crush has been and then when people show concern (not accusing but genuine concern) you brush it off and become flippant. You may not know this but you are on the slippery slope of an emotional affair and there doesn't haven't to be phyisical contact for it to be cheating. As to the avoiding situations, you could have an oppurtunity land in your lap you don't expect. And btw, a lot of people who cheat never thought they would. Just like people who deive drunk don't think they will kill someone. Most people who get married don't think they will divorce, most peolle who speed don't think their speeding will kill them. I urge you to take proactive action and don't lie to yourself any longer. Seek IC and Mc. Tell your H your whole struggles, maybe even get a new job (though the problem is in you not this guy. He just is bringing it out.

[yakamoz]

You sound naive and your first post does not jive with your last. You say your husband doesn't know how hard the crush has been and then when people show concern (not accusing but genuine concern) you brush it off and become flippant. You may not know this but you are on the slippery slope of an emotional affair and there doesn't haven't to be phyisical contact for it to be cheating. As to the avoiding situations, you could have an oppurtunity land in your lap you don't expect. And btw, a lot of people who cheat never thought they would. Just like people who deive drunk don't think they will kill someone. Most people who get married don't think they will divorce, most peolle who speed don't think their speeding will kill them. I urge you to take proactive action and don't lie to yourself any longer. Seek IC and Mc. Tell your H your whole struggles, maybe even get a new job (though the problem is in you not this guy. He just is bringing it out.

 

My intention was not to sound flippant and I appreciate people's concern. As I have mentioned before, I have been analyzing this situation for the last 18 months. I am a very introspective person and I am aware of the consequences and would not do anything to hurt my H. I know myself and I also know my boss. He is not a predatory person and I simply don't believe men are these out of control creatures who will jump on any woman who show interest in them. Maybe I am being naive, I don't know. Having said that human sexuality is a complex issue. I don't believe I have a problem just because I happen to be attracted to another man. Yes, it has been hard and reading posts in LS helped me tremendously. At this point, I feel I can control this.

[DKT3]

My intention was not to sound flippant and I appreciate people's concern. As I have mentioned before, I have been analyzing this situation for the last 18 months. I am a very introspective person and I am aware of the consequences and would not do anything to hurt my H. I know myself and I also know my boss. He is not a predatory person and I simply don't believe men are these out of control creatures who will jump on any woman who show interest in them. Maybe I am being naive, I don't know. Having said that human sexuality is a complex issue. I don't believe I have a problem just because I happen to be attracted to another man. Yes, it has been hard and reading posts in LS helped me tremendously. At this point, I feel I can control this.

 

Control this? Ask the waywards wives here if they also thought this way before they crossed the line. If you continue this dynamic you will cheat, its only a matter of the right situation.

 

Also you say your husband knows, but is also oblivious so which one is it? My guess is your husband knows you find the boss hot, but is clueless to the depths of the attraction and/or connection.

 

Stay on this path and you will soon be posting on the other women/men section.

[SweetClover]

I'm sorry, but if you are with someone and you then start feeling butterflies in your stomach, etc. and other things for someone else..that isn't a good sign. That isn't harmless. That makes no sense. If a person is in love with you..they should not be getting butterflies around anyone else but you. They should not be thinking about other people "all the time" and talking about them a lot and putting them on pedestals. That type of behavior is so utterly destructive I can't see how you could call it harmless.

 

Like I said it is one thing to be in a relationship and still view members of the opposite sex as attractive, but what you are talking about is different. What you are talking about does not happen when two people are in love with each other. They don't get butterflies around other people and all that.

 

I disagree. I've had crushes I've never acted on ones I have, all with my husband knowledge and we are very much in love.

 

I think people have different ideas of love I just have never understood someone trying to tell me it's not love what I have with my husband. You clearly have never met us.

[yakamoz]

Control this? Ask the waywards wives here if they also thought this way before they crossed the line. If you continue this dynamic you will cheat, its only a matter of the right situation.

 

Also you say your husband knows, but is also oblivious so which one is it? My guess is your husband knows you find the boss hot, but is clueless to the depths of the attraction and/or connection.

 

Stay on this path and you will soon be posting on the other women/men section.

 

As I mentioned before, we only read about people who did cross the line in this site. People have crushes all the time, they don't run and have an affair. True, my husband probably doesn't know the struggle I am going thru but he doesn't need to. All he needs to know is that I won't act on them. I don't try to control his feelings and mind and he doesn't try to control mine. Additionally, from what I gather in LS, part of the attraction to affairs is the secrecy. I share with my H every non-work related conversation, every e-mail, every text I have with my boss. I have no passwords in my phone, computer - I am an open book. That is deliberate on my part. I don't stay after work hours alone with my boss, I don't go out to drinks even if we are with others and I don't travel with him. How would I ever find myself in a situation to get tempted? I should also add part of my attraction to my boss is I find him to be a man of great integrity. I don't know how I would reconcile this respect I have for him if he tried to cross that line. I have been going thru this for the last 18 months. If I do fall and have an affair, I promise I will come here and post about it. But it will not happen. We will probably continue like this where some days will be harder than others but status quo will not change. I don't mind being adored by two men as long as I don't hurt the one I am attached to for life.

[William]

In line with the focus of this forum, the topic asks members if they suspected their spouses of a crush on another party [or another party on their spouse], so this would fall into the category of 'do you suspect your spouse of an affair?'. Members wishing to post their own stories of their crushes and/or affairs are welcomed to do so, in this forum as a separate thread, or elsewhere on the site as appropriate.

 

Essentially, moderation wants this thread to align with the topic forwarded by the thread starter and not get bogged down in cross-talk about members and their own crushes. Suspicions of a spouse's/partner's crush, yes!

 

Thanks!

Edited May 11, 2014 by William

[SweetClover]

Likewise, I never understood how a married woman can sit there and say she loves her husband, but has had crushes on other men that involve her having "butterflies" about them and thinking about them all the time, and putting other men on pedestals.

 

You...seriously see no problem with being married and having those feelings about other men? That is odd to me. I'm sorry, but I don't have to meet you to know you shouldn't be getting butterflies in your tummy with other dudes and thinking about them ALL THE TIME while you are in a relationship with someone else. I am describing "crush" here using the exact same words you did. If you feel it is normal for a married woman to feel butterflies for other men then I honestly do not know what else to say to you.

 

Sorry, something just doesn't jive with "I am in love with my husband, but at various points have gotten butterflies in my stomach from my other men, put them on pedestals, thought about them constantly, etc." and if I was your husband I would be alarmed that you see nothing wrong with this. Since no, viewing other men as attractive is NOT crushing on them.

 

I do see a problem with it if you aren't talking to your spouse about it, me and my husband have been in an open, loving relationship for several years, we are best friends. If either of us find someone attractive we talk about it, we get excited, it turns us on, we have sex often after discussing it! A connection emotionally or an attraction sexually is something we both accept wears going to find with other people. None of those attractions or connections have been very comparable to the one we have with each other, and non have ever threatened our relationship.

 

I'm 23. I don't have kids of my own but would like to someday and I've discussed the very real possibility that my views will change when pregnant (I'm not immune to being insecure) or after having children, I could want something different or I could see things differently, but for now, I love the situation I have with my husband. I love him. He loves me.

 

I'm involved in something else right now and it doesn't line up with who I know myself to be, which is open and honest and I do not hurt people.. I've got off track with where I want to go. I'm trying to fix it.

 

But I haven't lied to either man I'm in a relationship with and I love them both.

[carhill]

To me it's pretty simple. The OP is trying to put herself into the shoes of the wife of the male friend and trying to understand her potential suspicions and how or why she might confront her own husband about their interactions.

 

OP, there were times I had suspicions due to general feelings and tone of interactions, both with individuals as well as a general 'tone' to the M itself, but I was otherwise engaged in more pressing matters (caregiving) and left any such suspicions unrequited and never did investigate thoroughly or confront. In your situation, you are close mutual friends with this couple and apparently young and otherwise undistracted so your friend's wife, if not taking action in a manner which you are aware of, is evidently processing things quietly. If she 'still thinks he has a crush' on you, based on his statements, she's processing things within the M, which in my view is the proper pathway, since her suspicions and/or his crush are their marital business. Ideally, IMO, he would be keeping that business between them but apparently that's not the case.

 

IMO, the only way to answer these question definitively is to discuss them directly with the spouse in question, meaning his wife. Get the answers from the horse's mouth, so to speak, rather than engaging in supposition or entertaining hearsay statements from other parties.

[TheBladeRunner]

Once during my (ex)wife's affair with her boss (which was unknown to me at the time), she kept rambling about how well they were doing at work together and so forth. I said, "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were having an affair with the guy." She said, "I guess you haven't met Jose before. He's balding with glasses and definitely not my type. I'll have to tell my friend, Jan, that you said that. She'll get a big laugh out of it."

 

It turns out that the laugh was on me. And Jan knew all about their affair. Hysterical, huh?

 

If this is the dynamic that's playing out in your MM's household, you should be ashamed of yourself.

 

Yes, I am ROTFLMAO as I read this.....so funny when this happens.....NOT! Same this here BH and it was anything but pleasant. Made me feel like a real dolt.

 

As far as the "crush thing", I did confront because it was so severe she displayed all the signs of an A. Distant, didn't want to spend time, etc. I have had short moments of that feeling, but I never obsessed or got the butterflies. People that are having crushes while they are married are fooling themselves by saying it's OK as long as they don't act. Eventually they will IMO.

 

BTW, the "crush" let to numerous affairs so I feel having a crush is far from harmless.

Edited May 11, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
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