What dating lessons do you wish you knew when you were at my age?[OP early 20's]

[Lilithia]

Hello LoveShack!

 

What are the most important things about dating/love/breaking up that you wish you had known when you were at my age? What are the lessons that you had to learn the hard way?

 

I know LS already provides a great amount of stories and accounts from which I can learn a great deal about love (and I did! when going through my own breakups)... But I still consider myself an inexperienced baby in the dating world and would like to know what, in hindsight, you would have done differently to avoid all the troubles you have gone through when loving or breaking up with your SO. I know I should not be afraid of living future painful experiences because they will be valuable in ultimately shaping who I am, but it doesn't hurt to "know better" and avoid mistakes...

 

Some more or less relevant background: I am 20, soon 21. Currently in law school, has a lot of career pressure to deal with. Any advice about how to handle love while dealing with a vocation that takes 95% of your time would also help!

[RonaldS]

To totally not give a crap.

[GoreSP]

The 'He's just not that into you' principles.

 

Also, being single is not the end of the world really.

[dovegirl]

When it's right, it will be easy.

 

And I'm not saying that the relationship will be perfect. That you will never disagree, or that you don't have to work at it. I'm saying that even though you *are* going through disagreements, etc, it won't feel like work. It will feel like a partnership.

 

If you find yourself stressing over every little thing, or putting all the effort in, or constantly insecure...keep looking. There's better out there.

[sagetalk]

 

If you find yourself stressing over every little thing, or putting all the effort in,

 

This, don't do it. That is a key sign the relationship is a bad one.

[joystickd]

If a woman has to wait til when she is ready to have sex then she isn't ever going to be ready. It's best to find someone that is really into you and genuinely likes and is attracted to you.

[janedoe67]

If something seems like a red flag, it probably is.

[dichotomy]

Typical lament in looking back as an older guy - wish I was more bold, willing to take some risks, take advantage of opportunities, stop worrying (particularity about what women or others think of me) and just enjoy things and have fun - explore try things - go with it. Carpe diem

 

Youth is wasted on the young.

[mrnova66]

Very good question. Well first of all you must be friends before the relationship stage even starts. When someone like me is doing all the work. Then you should cut ties immediately. Do no hang around. I do not date no more because of this. It is a total waste of time. Most people are all for themselves. This is why relationships do not last. Only a select few. People claim they are in a so called relationship but are not even friends. When you have someone doing all the work from doing all the calling on the phone and doing all they can don to please someone else, but the other person does nothing. It is time to cut all ties. It is a total waste of time

[readynow]

1. Don't do anything that feels uncomfortable.

2. If they don't treat you like you like to be treated, let go.

3. If they aren't making a conscious effort to make you happy or you're putting too much more into the relationship than they are, it's time to move on.

4. If you are happy, enjoy it.

5. If it ain't broke, don't try to break it.

6. It's okay to be single. This is my most important one.

[RedRobin]

Most of these are things I've always known, but feel especially inclined to share with women your age.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ask hard questions. Respectfully of course.

 

 

Make sure you are picking him, not just going along with him picking you.

Don't internalize other people's bad choices.

Pay attention to how he treats his mother.

Even more importantly... Pay attention to how his dad treats his mother.

Pay attention to how he talks about and treats women. You are not special and bad habits die hard.

Pay attention to how he treats people who have nothing to offer him.

Don't be a fixer upper. The favor is generally not returned and they will resent you in the long run.

 

 

 

 

... and...it's ok to be single.

[gaius]

Don't take pity on another guy who's less well off than you and let him hang around you and your girlfriend. Women will actually cheat on you with another guy no matter how pathetic he is if he's around enough. Who would have guessed? Status is no protection.

 

I think that's about the only lesson I've learned the hard way.

[joystickd]

If a woman want to put through hoops to prove you are interested then it's best to move on

[Silly_Girl]

You are not ready to date seriously unless you can make YOURSELF happy. Date yourself, enjoy your own company, love yourself.

 

That's it.

[Damaged217]

You are not ready to date seriously unless you can make YOURSELF happy. Date yourself, enjoy your own company, love yourself.

 

That's it.

 

Agreed! And if you are happy with yourself, you will have no problem being single

[Lilithia]

Thank you everyone

 

Personally, I find it really hard to achieve a "balance".

 

You have to pursue what you want without pushing too much (and looking desperate). You have to pursue while learning to let go.

You have to put the building of your career first without forgetting to invest in relationships.

You have to love yourself first without forgetting to give to others.

You have to compromise without compromising your boundaries. You have to be firm without forgetting the importance of forgiveness and compassion.

Etc. etc.

 

It's as if for a given situation, there are always two opposite philosophies that are applicable and you have to find the perfect middle.

 

I guess I will learn with time.

 

I wish the best to you all, and happy Mother's Day

[salparadise]

Typical lament in looking back as an older guy - wish I was more bold, willing to take some risks, take advantage of opportunities, stop worrying (particularity about what women or others think

 

Same here. I was late maturing and my parents were overly critical. As a result I had no self-confidence at the point I started looking mature (early 20s) and women were attracted. In college I had so many gorgeous women coming onto me and I just couldn't close the deal. I'd sabotage. My friends were amazed at how overtly some of the women would pursue me and I just did nothing. A few years later I gained some confidence but got married to someone I probably should not have, again due to not being confident that I could attract the kind of person I really wanted, and I continued turning down opportunities one after another. Now that I'm older and divorced I am finally relating to women more the way I should have when I was younger. My current GF comments on how much she loves it when I'm dominant and take control in all contexts. Sometimes it's natural and sometimes I just know when/how to play the role.

 

Advice for the young guys... if you're not confident enough to go for it then pretend you are and do it anyway. Learn to not take rejection personally, and realize that female attraction has as much to do with how you handle yourself as anything.

[Els]

Thank you everyone

 

Personally, I find it really hard to achieve a "balance".

 

You have to pursue what you want without pushing too much (and looking desperate). You have to pursue while learning to let go.

You have to put the building of your career first without forgetting to invest in relationships.

You have to love yourself first without forgetting to give to others.

You have to compromise without compromising your boundaries. You have to be firm without forgetting the importance of forgiveness and compassion.

Etc. etc.

 

It's as if for a given situation, there are always two opposite philosophies that are applicable and you have to find the perfect middle.

 

 

Sounds like you've already gotten most of it down pat.

[somedude81]

Don't have sex with a guy without being in an exclusive relationship first. Doing that will fix 90% of the dating and relationships problems women have.

 

If you feel that a guy won't wait for you to be in a relationship, then he isn't worth your time.

 

If you feel that you are not being appreciated or even mistreated, get the hell out of there. There are plenty of men out there who will respect you and still be great guys.

 

And for the love of God, don't focus on looks.

[Valen]

 

I learned that most guys are nice and mean well. But Males are males...they have egos, need sex. Don't talk to your partner the same way you do your female friends. Make your guy feel special and like he is the only male in the world. Never do anything to lessen the trust between the two of you. Don't say or do things to make him feel insecure. Develop a nice, easy feeling and he will be more communicative and affectionate.

 

You must be an awesome girlfriend.

[iiiii]

I'd tell my 20 year old self that it's OK to hurt people's feelings sometimes.

 

I'm much happier now that I feel I have the right to be pickier with who I accept and who I decline, and I have acquired the ability to stay single (and to truly enjoy it) until I find someone who really floats my boat.

[Silly_Girl]

I'm much happier now that I feel I have the right to be pickier with who I accept and who I decline, and I have acquired the ability to stay single (and to truly enjoy it) until I find someone who really floats my boat.

 

I wish I had mastered that, back then. If life is good alone then it stands to reason you will only have people in your life who ENHANCE it. You'll avoid drama and hassle, and only make reasonable compromises. Without the *need* for another person to focus on, there's no requirement to accept bad behaviour.

[Candy_Pants]

Take your time. Don't think that people are as honest/moral/or emotionally intelligent as you are.

 

Leave if you're not having sex anymore and you catch him looking at porn many many many times.

 

A great relationship has a great friendship at its core, but you (I) need romance (and sex) too.

 

Even in a casual relationship, make sure you trust the man and that he deserves your time/attention/sex.

 

You can't fix anyone if they think nothing is wrong.

 

And you can't love someone enough for the both of you.

[hasaquestion]

I'm not that old and wise, but my advice to you would be to appreciate the value of space.

 

When you're in college its easy to end up attached at the hip. You often don't have work schedules, and are never more than a mile apart.

 

Don't be around each other 24/7. Maintain a healthy amount of space and independence, so the time you do spend together always has value.

[zebracolors]

I would tell my 23 y/o self in college that those guys you're dating ARE really just after one thing, and stop waiting for him to call, he's NOT serious.