interestingname01 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Here's the thing, long story short (not so short to be fair). I welcome all judgements and opinions on the story and me. Just looking for some logic, something I am able to give all my friends with their problems, but not something I have at my own disposal for my own problems. I have my own thoughts on this but interested to hear others thoughts. I have no ulterior motive to get back with her either btw. I had an affair, not planned or thought about and by no means simple in the way that I adapted my life to suit a very selfish me. I am not proud of my actions and I have worked hard to put things right in my own life. The biggest confusion that reigned through these years was that I never before understood how anyone could claim to love two people at once and dismissed it as impossible nonsense, until I found myself in that exact situation. Approx Timescale. Early 2005 start affair with colleague. Mid/late 2005 stop affair to concentrate on fiancé, sort my life and not be so selfish. Mid 2006 get married. Late 2006 help colleague out with some personal issues. Early 2007 restart affair. Late 2009 end affair in a very messy and unfortunately heartbreaking way. Full no contact on my part, no wavering despite constant bombardment from ex for 2 months. Return to wife, forgiveness and work on us, stronger and happier. Late 2010 My First child Overall 2011 into 2012 learn ex is making her way through a few men, feel unhappy that she can't find what she wants, resist contacting her. Late 2012 learn that ex has moved away and finally settled down with a new man, feel happy for her, urge to contact and tell her my happiness for her, resist this urge. Early 2013 My Second child Mid 2013 learn of exes engagement, resist urge to contact to congratulate. Early 2014 learn of exes mid year wedding, again resist urge to contact. Throughout the timeframe from late 2009, I have had limited communications with my exes sister, she is always immediate to tell me of her sisters happiness and some activity of her life, even though I do not ask after my ex or for any details on her new life. I always express my happiness for her sister and kill the conversation as quickly as possible, even doing this dredges up many confused feelings that usually don't bother me, but the fact that it stirs them up for a small amount of time means I still hold on to something, right?! FYI- I cannot ignore or be rude to my exes sister as we work in the same firm. This weeks event! The latest conversation has entailed her sister telling me of my exes hen do, where it is, what they are doing, the sister then stressed again how great my ex is doing and how happy she is, and how excited she is about her imminent nuptials in the coming weeks. Now here is a change to my usual response of 'great, glad she is happy', and killing the conversation politely dead. I instead this time said to her sister the following - 'oh that's good, I have on occasion thought of contacting her (the ex) and just saying how happy I am for her, firstly in how she has found a new life and love and to wish her all the best for the future. The response I received was this - 'no, no that's not a good idea, she is so happy now, you don't want to bring up the past, it's not that anything can break her happiness, she has just moved house and is so happy to be getting married soon, so no you shouldn't do that. I will of course pass on your best wishes, if you would like me to. Now to be clear I made no mention of actually contacting her, only the thought of it. There is no reason to be bringing up or analysing the past, it was only to express my gladness at her apparent brilliant now and so very bright future. This is a pure human emotion toward someone who was a very large part of my life, a very good friend who then became a lover, someone who lived in my heart and being purely honest left part of herself there. Not being able to express my pleasure in her happiness directly to her is painful, but I understand that it's probably not the healthiest thing for either of us if I did (which is the main reason I haven't). I must also add that the sister communicates not such a happy picture to other people about my ex, nothing too dark but nonetheless not as bright as I get told! In closing, my ongoing confusion lies more with how my exes sister communicates to me about how her sister is doing, it niggles me that it is always expressed that she is 'sooo happy'. How is her sending my best wishes to my ex any different from me doing it directly? Is the reality of happiness different? Does my ex still hold hatred/love toward me? Would my ex welcome just a simple message from me like 'hi, how's it going?' Is there a cryptic message I'm not seeing? What am I missing here, there is something but I can't see it. As they say, if you love someone, set them free. It's what I did even though it was hurtful at the time, I would like for this to just cease from bothering me, but it won't! I did the right thing for all involved. Someone please help me settle my head.
Grumpybutfun Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Don't go there. You have a wife and children and your behavior could compromise all of that and for what...so your ego can be stroked by thinking your ex still has feelings for you? At this point you have a chance for a happy life with your partner, your wife who has given you her life, committed to you in spite of your transgression...think of how hurt and confused she would be if she knew you were still having feelings and even thinking about this ex. I hope that you told her the truth so she could have the full disclosure before marrying you. If not, it is time to tell her and do the work the work to repair. Why tell? Because you are having trouble with closure and staying away so you need a wake up call...and if she doesn't know you are with her under false pretenses. Once you see how this adversely affects her, my hope is that you won't entertain thoughts of this other woman ever again. You don't love this other woman, you were in limerence. You still hold onto your ex because it fed a need in you for drama and excitement. You still are doing it every time you bring her up in your head or talk to her sister about her, which you need to stop doing completely. That is the line you must cut. You must say, it is the best interest of my marriage and my wife, which I do not want to disrespect or lose, if we never mention your sister again and stick to it. It is over, you have a new life and you are the one choosing to feed this limerence for her by talking to her sister. You are playing with fire and you will get burned. We get one life on this earth, live the rest of yours with honor and integrity and stop entertaining thoughts of the girl you didn't choose. If you had loved her as much as you thought, you would have broken up with your fiancé to marry her. In marriage sometimes people can get GIGS, but you do not have to act on it. It rarely ends up without a lot of people including your wife and kids getting their hearts broken. Selfishness is not what a father and husband gets to do. You involved the innocent in this tawdry and common affair when you married and had children so don't be that guy, the one who thinks with his own interests instead of behaving honorably towards those who love you. Stop contacting or communicating with her sister about her, come clean to your wife, go to counseling to figure out why you still feel the need to pursue this line of thought with the ex, and learn how to control impulses and stop obsessing over things that in the end are only distractions from your real life with your very special family. Best, Grumps 2
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