She [sexually assaulted] me in the pool?

[BlueIris]

OP, you’re fixated on looks- yours AND hers. Frankly, while I am sorry someone violated you, I don’t have much sympathy for people who believe that looks and sex are the centerpiece or determinant of a relationship. When character, mutual respect and heart connection become equally important, your measures for yourself and your relationships, things will change.

 

Think of it this way, let’s say you told her why you stay with her- because she’s hot, she’ll have sex with you, she’s fun sometimes, and you don’t think you could get better. Do you think she’d feel good?

 

Talk to men in their 40’s and 50’s who married someone solely or primarily because she was physically attractive and had sex with him, but there was virtually no other connection- they weren’t great friends with respect and sincere connection and caring for each other. I’ve gone on dates with lots of those guys, after their divorces, and, well, I see them as vapid. Then talk to men in their 40's and 50's who love their wives and still see them as their sweeties. Listen to the difference.

[saltyfishhead666]

OP, you’re fixated on looks- yours AND hers. Frankly, while I am sorry someone violated you, I don’t have much sympathy for people who believe that looks and sex are the centerpiece or determinant of a relationship. When character, mutual respect and heart connection become equally important, your measures for yourself and your relationships, things will change.

 

Think of it this way, let’s say you told her why you stay with her- because she’s hot, she’ll have sex with you, she’s fun sometimes, and you don’t think you could get better. Do you think she’d feel good?

 

Talk to men in their 40’s and 50’s who married someone solely or primarily because she was physically attractive and had sex with him, but there was virtually no other connection- they weren’t great friends with respect and sincere connection and caring for each other. I’ve gone on dates with lots of those guys, after their divorces, and, well, I see them as vapid. Then talk to men in their 40's and 50's who love their wives and still see them as their sweeties. Listen to the difference.

 

I expect If the op told her the only reason he was with her because she's hot and she will have sex with him she probably wouldn't care because she gets away with murder regardless.

 

I think she's in this to get what she can from him, and then eventually leave after burning down a giant path through his life.

[BlueIris]

Then it's worth a try. He should tell her. Since the majority believe he should tell her that he feels/felt violated, might as well be truly honest and tell her how he really feels about her.

 

Heaven knows we don't know her. We only know OF her, through OP's lens. you might be right. She might not care. Or she might. Can't tell until you tell her.

[Emilia]

She's 20. I'm 22. I want to have children eventually but only by 30 or so.

Maybe she will want them sooner? She doesn't strike me as the kind of lady that would consult you first and we all know how glad she is that you come from an affluent family.

 

But if you wish to start paying child support in your early 20s then by all means keep birth control responsibilities with her.

[Shaun-Dro]

So my oldest brother is leaving town soon so we organised a Get together at my middle brother's house. Not everyone couled make it because of work and school but my brothers, my parents, my one cousin and her Step children and child were there.

 

So it started well. We hung out and chatted and then played pool. Then she said "let's go and swim". I didn't want to and said I really just want to play pool with my brothers. But the kids were really keen on the idea so we ended up doing it. We were supposed to be looking after the kids since no one else wanted to swim.

 

So we went into the pool and messed around in the shallow end with the kids. Then she jumped on me hugging and wrapped her legs around my waist... I told her we were supposed to be looking after the kids. She said they were fine and we floated around together.

 

Then she started putting her hand into my trunks. I told her that it wasn't acceptable and there were kids in the pool. She ignored me. Then she held me tighter when I tried to pull her off. After a while I felt a warm sensation... again I tried to pull her away but she held tighter and told me the kids wouldn't notice as long as I kept quiet and still.

 

Afterwards I felt terrible. It was wrong on so many levels, there were kids in the pool and we were supposed to be looking after them, and she had inserted me into herself against my will.

 

Even now I feel sick thinking about it. We haven't talked about it yet but I do want to confront her. I just don't know what to say. I am so upset but she is acting like nothing is wrong.

 

I have no idea what you're upset about. You had a willing woman making a move on you and as a man you should always be up for that. If she claims the kids didn't notice anything, then maybe they didn't. Lighten up.

[d0nnivain]

That would be bad

 

We don't actually use protection... she's been tested and I was a Virgin.

 

She takes pills though.

 

 

Based on her other actions I don't think you can trust her to take her pills regularly. Please be careful. You are playing with fire on so many levels with this chick.

[ThatMan]

You belong on the sex offender registry.

 

I think that's really unfortunate. You seem like a normal guy who was simply down on his luck. Being a late-bloomer is nothing for you to be ashamed of and you can do so much better than her. I think a lot of the problems you listed seemed temporary. But now this quick-fix of not wanting to be a virgin has created new difficulties. Looking outside of yourself to fix all the reasons why you were alone simply won't work. The people you date during a bout of low self-esteem will like to see you exactly where you are; miserable. How your girlfriend is behaving is testament to that simple idea. You need to stay away from her.

 

I've known plenty of men and women who have left unhealthy relationships like the one you are in now. The only positive way a person may leave these sort of relationships is by walking away on their own two feet, something which you are capable of.

 

Sometimes though, people feel so desperate that they join their spouse in inflicting harm on others. Battered women are known to assault police officers because they're so desperate to remain in the relationship. I know that you've done many things that you'll rather not do to continue the relationship. The fact of the matter is you would rather see a child hurt than be alone. Before you were just someone who was a late-bloomer with so many new opportunities around the corner. Now you'll forever be a fat, desperate loser who had sex in front of children. And there's nothing you can possibly do to change that.

 

Get out of the relationship now before this escalates further.

Edited May 13, 2014 by ThatMan
phone

[scorpiogirl]

I have no idea what you're upset about. You had a willing woman making a move on you and as a man you should always be up for that. If she claims the kids didn't notice anything, then maybe they didn't. Lighten up.

 

People like you are the reason more men don't speak out about being sexually assaulted. This entire thread is ridiculous but you just added something special here.

[lollipopspot]

People like you are the reason more men don't speak out about being sexually assaulted.

 

If this constitutes sexual assault, there would be no reason to fear it.

 

He could have easily pushed her off with no harm to himself. He has considerably more resources so he's not staying due to financial instability.

 

He just thinks she's hot, and doesn't like to say no to her, and in the course of their relationship, she has probably come to believe that a 'no' is a playful 'maybe' and 'go ahead.' It's an assertiveness issue, not an assault issue.

 

This thread is making a mockery of actual "sexual assault."

[veggirl]

Maybe she will want them sooner? She doesn't strike me as the kind of lady that would consult you first and we all know how glad she is that you come from an affluent family.

 

But if you wish to start paying child support in your early 20s then by all means keep birth control responsibilities with her.

 

OMG didn't even consider the fact she might think a baby = her meal ticket.

 

OP, WRAP IT UP, SERIOUSLY.

 

:eek:

 

This girl is not to be trusted with the birth control responsibility. You have NO way to verify she is actually taking her pills, she could choose to stop at ANY time and then what? None of her actions show that she is worried about how you feel about something, so I wouldn't count on her to worry about if YOU want a kid or not.

[scorpiogirl]

I have no idea what you're upset about. You had a willing woman making a move on you and as a man you should always be up for that. If she claims the kids didn't notice anything, then maybe they didn't. Lighten up.

 

If this constitutes sexual assault, there would be no reason to fear it.

 

He could have easily pushed her off with no harm to himself. He has considerably more resources so he's not staying due to financial instability.

 

He just thinks she's hot, and doesn't like to say no to her, and in the course of their relationship, she has probably come to believe that a 'no' is a playful 'maybe' and 'go ahead.' It's an assertiveness issue, not an assault issue.

 

This thread is making a mockery of actual "sexual assault."

 

I didn't comment on whether the OP had been sexually assaulted. I commented on the reply that I quoted. That is what people tell men all the time.

 

And I know plenty about what constitutes sexual assault due to my education and my work.

[gaius]

If this constitutes sexual assault, there would be no reason to fear it.

 

He could have easily pushed her off with no harm to himself. He has considerably more resources so he's not staying due to financial instability.

 

He just thinks she's hot, and doesn't like to say no to her, and in the course of their relationship, she has probably come to believe that a 'no' is a playful 'maybe' and 'go ahead.' It's an assertiveness issue, not an assault issue.

 

This thread is making a mockery of actual "sexual assault."

There was a scene in Mad Men this week that made me think of Medium. Draper's wife brings another girl into the bedroom, she starts kissing him, he says he's not looking for that, she ignores him and just keeps kissing and they get into it. "No" for women is often as complicated as it can be for men.

 

We don't always realize what really drives us, so maybe there's something about this girl that really does entice Medium more than he understands at the moment. Being afraid of being alone could have little to actually do with it.

[man_in_the_box]

If this constitutes sexual assault, there would be no reason to fear it.

 

He could have easily pushed her off with no harm to himself. He has considerably more resources so he's not staying due to financial instability.

 

He just thinks she's hot, and doesn't like to say no to her, and in the course of their relationship, she has probably come to believe that a 'no' is a playful 'maybe' and 'go ahead.' It's an assertiveness issue, not an assault issue.

 

This thread is making a mockery of actual "sexual assault."

 

Oh yes, men can't say no.

 

I sincerely hope you'll never have to deal with someone who in one way or another experienced an unwanted sexual encounter for their own sake. How awful must it be to have your own abuse being twisted into something that never happened.

 

This kind of ****ty logic is indeed the reason people hide this stuff to their own dentriment.

[Medium.Lumo]

Trust me it would have hurt... she wasn't giving any ground and removing her would have hurt her.

 

If this constitutes sexual assault, there would be no reason to fear it.

 

He could have easily pushed her off with no harm to himself. He has considerably more resources so he's not staying due to financial instability.

 

He just thinks she's hot, and doesn't like to say no to her, and in the course of their relationship, she has probably come to believe that a 'no' is a playful 'maybe' and 'go ahead.' It's an assertiveness issue, not an assault issue.

 

This thread is making a mockery of actual "sexual assault."

[lollipopspot]

Oh yes, men can't say no.

 

I sincerely hope you'll never have to deal with someone who in one way or another experienced an unwanted sexual encounter

 

I never said that "men can't say 'no,'" so don't put words in my mouth. I think you do however have to look at the context of a relationship and event to understand it. If I am saying "no" while smiling and laughing and playing around with my partner - does my "no" really mean "no" then? I don't know how seriously it will be taken in that moment. If my "no" always means "yes, if you try a little harder" in the context of the relationship, does my "no" always mean "no" then? I might have to escalate my "no" if it has not meant "no" in the past with my partner.

 

I've worked in a rape crisis center.

 

Trust me it would have hurt... she wasn't giving any ground and removing her would have hurt her.

 

I would first try the firm "NO - STOP IT!" like you mean it, not like you're playing around or giving ground. Then, if you need to push someone off to maintain your own bodily integrity, you have to do it. I do believe however, that once you started to pry her off, she would have gotten off before being hurt. Is it correct that you outweigh her by 110 pounds? Most people aren't going to fight or resist someone who is double their weight. I think it's quite possible that your "no" thus far in the relationship has not been a real no.

[Candy_Pants]

I'm extremely surprised that someone who is constantly defending women who they INSIST are being taken advantage of (be it in a submissive role, pornography, etc.) would be victim blaming. Even though the people/situations I stated are CONSENSUAL.

 

Does the OP's gender have anything to do with it? Me thinks so.

[lollipopspot]

I'm extremely surprised that someone who is constantly defending women who they INSIST are being taken advantage of (be it in a submissive role, pornography, etc.) would be victim blaming. Even though the people/situations I stated are CONSENSUAL.

 

Does the OP's gender have anything to do with it? Me thinks so.

 

If you're referring to me, then nope, you're wrong.

 

You don't understand the commercial sex industry and that real consent is often uncertain. Because people really want to use porn, that seems hard to admit or understand.

 

Rape is about power.

 

People have very little ability to comprehend nuance. If you show me a woman who outweighs the man by 110 pounds - that is NOT trivial - has more financial power than the man, has never meant a real NO when she says it to her partner because she finds him so cute she always gives in, etc. then I'm not going to call her a rape victim either, when she gives a weak response and then continues with it when she could easily stop it with no physical repercussion to herself.

 

But if you want to convince this guy he was a helpless rape victim, go right ahead.

 

I think the word rape is now meaningless.

Edited May 14, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Haydn]

Hmmm, i was not going to comment on this thread. I had one experience when i was 16. I was at a party, very very drunk. I was being pursued by a rather large lady. Ok very overweight. She was in her 20`s i think. I had shunned her advances simply cos i too drunk to even come close to a contact sport. I slunk off and a found a quiet bedroom to sleep in. I awoke to find her on top of me. Fully disrobed and attempting to undress me. I went to push her off and realised she had me pinned to the bed. I couldn`t move. For a minute or so it was actually quite scary. Then managed to heave her off. I apologsed for pushing her and left.

[lollipopspot]

That I would call a violation, Haydn. Among other things, you were unable to consent.

 

However the OP's situation is not yours.

 

(And also, I'm sorry that happened to you - it must have been very scary to be woken out of sleep to something like that. That's the kind of thing that makes people unable to feel safe sleeping after that).

Edited May 14, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Haydn]

I would say i was always going to be ok. Rape is really not a word to bandy around. I think Lumo has some issues as to his GF which needs to be resolved. I feel if `Lumo` felt truly violated then he would no longer be with this girl.

 

Lumo sorry if this feels we are talking about you. Hope you are ok.

 

 

 

 

That I would call a violation, Haydn. Among other things, you were unable to consent.

 

However the OP's situation is not yours.

 

(And also, I'm sorry that happened to you - it must have been very scary to be woken out of sleep to something like that. That's the kind of thing that makes people unable to feel safe sleeping after that).

[man_in_the_box]

I never said that "men can't say 'no,'" so don't put words in my mouth.

 

Funny that you then put a whole bunch of them in the OP's mouth:

 

I think you do however have to look at the context of a relationship and event to understand it. If I am saying "no" while smiling and laughing and playing around with my partner - does my "no" really mean "no" then? I don't know how seriously it will be taken in that moment. If my "no" always means "yes, if you try a little harder" in the context of the relationship, does my "no" always mean "no" then? I might have to escalate my "no" if it has not meant "no" in the past with my partner.

 

So please OP - tell us how you were smiling and laughing while getting violated. I highly doubt he would be making a threat about getting sexually assaulted if it was that funny.

 

As far as 'no means no', even in a relationship: YES!. For god's sake - this is exactly why marital rape has been accepted for so long. Just because someone is your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/whatever doesn't mean you loose your bodily integrity.

 

I would first try the firm "NO - STOP IT!" like you mean it, not like you're playing around or giving ground. Then, if you need to push someone off to maintain your own bodily integrity, you have to do it. I do believe however, that once you started to pry her off, she would have gotten off before being hurt. Is it correct that you outweigh her by 110 pounds? Most people aren't going to fight or resist someone who is double their weight. I think it's quite possible that your "no" thus far in the relationship has not been a real no.

 

Why is so problematic for you to understand that victims of sexual assault don't necessarily react the way you would expect them to react? Of all people I would expect someone who worked at a rape crisis center to understand this. Do you really think that rape only occurs when the victim is unable to physically overpower his/her assaulter? There are a myriad of psychological/situational aspects that could have played in a role why the OP reacted the way he did.

 

But no - let's ignore all of that and tell him it's his own fault because he's 6'3". While were at it, I might as well punch and rob him since he's taller anyway. He can defend himself easily right?

 

Every person has his body protected by the law - irrelevant of who the person is that violates this integrity. Just because the odds are small of the attacker actually winning and it technically just being a stupid decision - that doesn't make it okay for them to do it anyway.

 

Yes - I'm very black and white when it comes to this.

[lollipopspot]

Funny that you then put a whole bunch of them in the OP's mouth:

 

I DIDN'T put them in his mouth. I was describing -situations- in which a "no" might not be taken seriously. Stop trying to read your own notions about what you want to argue against into everything I'm saying, please.

[man_in_the_box]

So then you agree that it's a completely meaningless scenario for the OP?

 

Great, perhaps we can then focus on what actually matters in this thread.

[Priv]

I never said that "men can't say 'no,'" so don't put words in my mouth. I think you do however have to look at the context of a relationship and event to understand it. If I am saying "no" while smiling and laughing and playing around with my partner - does my "no" really mean "no" then? I don't know how seriously it will be taken in that moment. If my "no" always means "yes, if you try a little harder" in the context of the relationship, does my "no" always mean "no" then? I might have to escalate my "no" if it has not meant "no" in the past with my partner.

 

I've worked in a rape crisis center.

 

 

 

I would first try the firm "NO - STOP IT!" like you mean it, not like you're playing around or giving ground. Then, if you need to push someone off to maintain your own bodily integrity, you have to do it. I do believe however, that once you started to pry her off, she would have gotten off before being hurt. Is it correct that you outweigh her by 110 pounds? Most people aren't going to fight or resist someone who is double their weight. I think it's quite possible that your "no" thus far in the relationship has not been a real no.

 

By this logic a lot of women don't get raped as unlike what you think a proper rape victim should do to make it a rape, most just freeze. No fighting, no firm "NO - STOP IT!", nothing.

[Priv]

I DIDN'T put them in his mouth. I was describing -situations- in which a "no" might not be taken seriously. Stop trying to read your own notions about what you want to argue against into everything I'm saying, please.

 

Again, by far date rapes outweigh the classic 'stranger hiding in the bush' rape. Most of these incidences are ambigious. The perpetrator is known, and it happens in a romantic (flirty) context. Kinda like what the OP is describing. You are telling me all the 'women' didn't get raped because they flirted with/dated their coworker/friend/OLD date/boyfriend/whatever but froze or otherwise were unable to clearly define their boundaries. Are you sure you worked at a rape crises center?