She [sexually assaulted] me in the pool?

[InnocentMan]

It's not always about physical power.

 

Sometimes a woman "lets" a guy rape her because she feels that he won't like her anymore or maybe he can blackmail her etc.

 

If Medium.Lumo forcibly tried to stop her, there is a good chance he may hurt her or maybe she might make a really big scene. Either way, he had sex with her when he didn't want to. By definition that is rape.

 

For the benefit of the threads sanity;

 

rape

 

 

 

 

1. the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.

 

2. any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.

Where does it say "because he didn't want to", or "to avoid a scene", or "to not hurt the attacker"?

[lollipopspot]

Sometimes a woman "lets" a guy rape her because she feels that he won't like her anymore

 

By the time that this is the definition of rape, it has lost meaning.

 

I don't want to have sex with you, but I'm going to allow you to because if I don't you might not like me anymore. That's not great, but it's not rape.

 

If this is the definition of rape, there are a LOT more rapists walking around than previously thought.

 

I will say that I appreciate your sensitivity to the full and enthusiastic consent of sexual partners to one another though, sd.

Edited May 12, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Smilecharmer]

Mediumlupo, do you have deep feelings for her or is it just lust because she is so cute and available? What I mean is, would any girl do if she was the same level of attractiveness and sexual appetite?

[Medium.Lumo]

Mediumlupo, do you have deep feelings for her or is it just lust because she is so cute and available? What I mean is, would any girl do if she was the same level of attractiveness and sexual appetite?

 

Good question. We definitely have a connection after being friends for quite a long period but it's been slightly eroded now. None of this kind of crap happened while we were friends. We could go out together or hang out together without anything dodgy happening. I miss those days.

 

If a girl came along who was close to her looks wise and appetite wise and she was actually interested, I'd be very tempted. But what are the chances of that happening?

[Els]

Good question. We definitely have a connection after being friends for quite a long period but it's been slightly eroded now. None of this kind of crap happened while we were friends. We could go out together or hang out together without anything dodgy happening. I miss those days.

 

If a girl came along who was close to her looks wise and appetite wise and she was actually interested, I'd be very tempted. But what are the chances of that happening?

 

So, what this means is that you ARE putting up with the abuse for looks, and sex. Which is entirely your prerogative to decide as an adult. But I do have to ask, what sort of help were you expecting from us in that case? The only person who can help you now is you, and if you're refusing to do so, what can any of us do?

[Medium.Lumo]

And actually smilecharmer... come to think of it I was also annoyed with her already that day... when we got to my brother's house she kept making comments about how much it must be worth and stupid stuff like how many normal houses could he buy for the price etc etc.

 

My parents, brothers and cousin were there and it was just embarrassing. I was mentally willING her to shut the f up the whole time.

 

She was really good the last time she met my family and I'm sure she didn't mean to be offensive or make things awkward but it just made me cringe internally.

 

Of course that was mild compared to what happened later. I would be quite happy if the bad stuff had ended there.

 

But that's my point... With a good gf I wouldn't have to wish for just minor issues.

 

I guess to answer your question... yes we have a connection and I love her but there are huge differences between us that I am only seeing now.

[xxmusical]

If a girl came along who was close to her looks wise and appetite wise and she was actually interested, I'd be very tempted. But what are the chances of that happening?

 

But that's my point... With a good gf I wouldn't have to wish for just minor issues.

 

Been lurking this thread and your other threads for a while but I can't help but pipe in now: why do you constantly feel that you won't EVER find a better girlfriend? Is physical attraction your top priority (or maybe the only priority)? How old are you? I suppose you're quite young, you still have years to find that "better" girlfriend. Why settle for less, why settle for someone you seem to already know who isn't good/healthy for you?

 

If I were your brother or the children's parent, I would be horrendously mad if I found out what happened in the pool. You being afraid that you would hurt your gf (either by pushing her off you or declining sex) is not an excuse for what happened. I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself.

 

Edit: And to add, when you confronted her, you should have done it so she knew you were furiously mad. Let her know that what happened WAS (and IS) a problem for you.

Edited May 12, 2014 by xxmusical

[Medium.Lumo]

I was a Virgin until her at 22...

 

Look at the stories on LS. It's difficult to get a girl interested. I don't really want to be in a position of being single again right now. Maybe in a year or two but not now.

 

And who knows... things could improve with my gf. It's not beyond the realm of possibility.

 

Been lurking this thread and your other threads for a while but I can't help but pipe in now: why do you constantly feel that you won't EVER find a better girlfriend? Is physical attraction your top priority (or maybe the only priority)? How old are you? I suppose you're quite young, you still have years to find that "better" girlfriend. Why settle for less, why settle for someone you seem to already know who isn't good/healthy for you?

 

If I were your brother or the children's parent, I would be horrendously mad if I found out what happened in the pool. You being afraid that you would hurt your gf (either by pushing her off you or declining sex) is not an excuse for what happened. I think you need to learn to stand up for yourself.

 

Edit: And to add, when you confronted her, you should have done it so she knew you were furiously mad. Let her know that what happened WAS (and IS) a problem for you.

[ascendotum]

Gravel? Wtf?

 

Its another way of saying toughen up. I agree with him. I'm going against the trend here too, and think you are making too much of this incident. I'm downplaying the children being there aspect, given the incident was at the other end of the pool, under water & done surreptitiously. I agree with the guy who also says talk of rape (not by you) makes a mockery real/serious/violent rape.

 

You're out of your depth with this chick. She's too exuberant, impulsive and self centered. I think you realize it (and she probably does too), but are hanging in there, with her sex appeal & sweet girly nature very much weighing down the 'good' aspects of the relationship scales for you. I get why, given you were a virgin not so long ago, and she's a hottie. You wanted her bad, well you got her, so learn to deal with her (or don't complain to people who say find someone more compatible)

[ExpatInItaly]

There are a few scenarios here:

 

1. I break up with her. I end up like many other posters here on LS complaining about nothe being able to get a gf. Desirability: none

 

2. I break up with her. I'm lucky and find another girl who is perfect for me. This would be great but the likelihood is miniscule. Desirability: high

 

3. I break up with her. I'm unlucky and end up with a girl who is either even more crazy or is very LD. The relationship would be frustrating in the latter case because I wouldn't be getting any. In the former case it would be like it is now but worse. Desirability: low

 

OR I could stay with her and try to fix the relationship issues. She has good points:

 

She's sweet

She's hot

She is very HD

We have a lot of laughs

 

Scenario 4:

You stay with her. She realizes she can stomp all over your boundaries and you continue to come back here wondering why and how you can make things work with this disturbed individual. She continues to disrespect and manipulate you. You wind up even more miserable.

[Medium.Lumo]

Interesting points... I guess opposites don't always attract then?

 

I like her HD but I just wish she could tone it down a few notches.

 

Its another way of saying toughen up. I agree with him. I'm going against the trend here too, and think you are making too much of this incident. I'm downplaying the children being there aspect, given the incident was at the other end of the pool, under water & done surreptitiously. I agree with the guy who also says talk of rape (not by you) makes a mockery real/serious/violent rape.

 

You're out of your depth with this chick. She's too exuberant, impulsive and self centered. I think you realize it (and she probably does too), but are hanging in there, with her sex appeal & sweet girly nature very much weighing down the 'good' aspects of the relationship scales for you. I get why, given you were a virgin not so long ago, and she's a hottie. You wanted her bad, well you got her, so learn to deal with her (or don't complain to people who say find someone more compatible)

[Medium.Lumo]

Scenario 4:

You stay with her. She realizes she can stomp all over your boundaries and you continue to come back here wondering why and how you can make things work with this disturbed individual. She continues to disrespect and manipulate you. You wind up even more miserable.

 

You make the chances of any improvement sound bleak.

[Grumpybutfun]

You make the chances of any improvement sound bleak.

 

 

 

Medium, if you insist on staying with her until something better comes along, at least set some boundaries...you know, no sex around children, treat you with respect, listen to your requests, the usual stuff. These things have a way of working themselves out even for people who are good natured like yourself. You will get tired of her inappropriateness, at some point your family will become irritated, her gee whiz attitude will start grating and you have already started feeling the prickly undertones of her uncouthness.

Improvement isn't even in the cards because there isn't any motivation for her to change. She will continue to do anything she can to distract you or charm you away from your needs and wants.

Be kind, be patient and be ready for when someone actually grabs your attention who is interesting and considerate. At some point you will want a woman who is lovely, a woman who is fascinating, and who is courteous.

Best of luck until then,

Grumps

[Chocolat]

I fully believe that men can be raped and I also know that victims can behave in ways that seem illogical to people who have not been victims.

 

But.

 

In this case, based on ML's post history (with ever escalating dramatic titles) combined with his continued assertions that this girl is "sweet" and that he does not want to leave her, I can only conclude that either "rape" is a misnomer for what happened here or that ML needs professional counseling.

 

I don't know which it is. What I do know is that there is little point in ML posting or in anyone offering advice, since it's the same pattern repeated each time:

 

• ML posts about something outrageous his gf did
  
• LS tells him to stand up to or leave his gf
  
• ML explains why he can't/won't leave
  
• The thread carries on for countless pages finally to be replaced by the next ML thread.
  

[Medium.Lumo]

That's not fair, Chocolat.

 

In most cases there has been some advice that I have taken that has helped. I just don't take the advice of breaking up with her because girlfriends are not easy to get and I don't want to give up completely.

 

I fully believe that men can be raped and I also know that victims can behave in ways that seem illogical to people who have not been victims.

 

But.

 

In this case, based on ML's post history (with ever escalating dramatic titles) combined with his continued assertions that this girl is "sweet" and that he does not want to leave her, I can only conclude that either "rape" is a misnomer for what happened here or that ML needs professional counseling.

 

I don't know which it is. What I do know is that there is little point in ML posting or in anyone offering advice, since it's the same pattern repeated each time:

 

• ML posts about something outrageous his gf did
  
• LS tells him to stand up to or leave his gf
  
• ML explains why he can't/won't leave
  
• The thread carries on for countless pages finally to be replaced by the next ML thread.
  

[Chocolat]

That's not fair, Chocolat.

 

In most cases there has been some advice that I have taken that has helped. I just don't take the advice of breaking up with her because girlfriends are not easy to get and I don't want to give up completely.

 

Sorry ML. I am not trying to be hurtful. If you were to show your threads to an objective third party, I am pretty sure they would see the same pattern -- you complain about something your gf did that crossed a boundary, everyone tells you to enforce boundaries or break-up, you defend your gf and tell everyone that you can't break up b/c you will surely be alone if you do.

 

It makes me sad for you because it says that you value yourself very little. Your main reasons for staying with this girl seem to be that 1) She's hot and 2) You are afraid to be alone.

 

1) A partner who does not care about your feelings and who repeatedly and deliberately does things to humiliate you is not a healthy partner, no matter how "hot."

 

2) There is no reason to think that you can't get another gf. Yes, you were a virgin until you were 22. So what? You're not a virgin any more. Yes, there are guys here on LS who struggle with finding a gf. So What? LS attracts people who are struggling by the nature of its boards.

 

Again, it goes back to what I said above: you value yourself very little. Personally, I think this is something you should work on. Once you know your worth, your odds of attracting a healthy, loving, sane girl dramatically increase.

[Emilia]

That's not fair, Chocolat.

 

In most cases there has been some advice that I have taken that has helped. I just don't take the advice of breaking up with her because girlfriends are not easy to get and I don't want to give up completely.

It's hard for you because you are not respected. Women want a man whom they can look up to, who stands up for things that are important, who isn't a doormat. As long as you don't know how to become that man, you will always struggle. On the other hand, if you decided to assert yourself and stood by that assertion, it would be easier for you to find girls. As long as you behave like a complete pussy, it will be hard for you to get any - basically.

[d0nnivain]

We left together? What was I supposed to do? Make a scene in front of everyone ? Tell her to walk ? Much as I hate what happened I don't really want to break up with her.

 

Yes. You should have made a scene. I'm serious. If I was the parent of one of the kids in the pool, I would have called the cops & pressed charges against both of you for exposing my kids to your sex games.

 

Your GF is not a healthy well balanced person.

 

It doesn't matter that the kids were in the shallow end & you were in the deep end. Her exhibitionist tendencies in front of children were improper. She made you a party to her crime.

 

We get it: She's hot & you are scared that you will never get another GF. That doesn't excuse her behavior. What is it going to take for you to walk away?

 

So far she:

 

* messes up your house

* messes up your car

* demands sex even when you are not in the mood

* refuses the simplest requst that she honor a dress code

* practically rapes you in a pool full of children

* refuses to acknowledge that she ever does anything wrong

 

You & I have already mentioned that you post all the bad stuff on LS so we don't see the good stuff, but you probably need to start pointing it out because from where I sit you are being abused in this relationship yet you refuse to see it. Don't you want a healthy, well balanced loving relationship?

[stillafool]

I fully believe that men can be raped and I also know that victims can behave in ways that seem illogical to people who have not been victims.

 

But.

 

In this case, based on ML's post history (with ever escalating dramatic titles) combined with his continued assertions that this girl is "sweet" and that he does not want to leave her, I can only conclude that either "rape" is a misnomer for what happened here or that ML needs professional counseling.

 

I don't know which it is. What I do know is that there is little point in ML posting or in anyone offering advice, since it's the same pattern repeated each time:

 

• ML posts about something outrageous his gf did
  
• LS tells him to stand up to or leave his gf
  
• ML explains why he can't/won't leave
  
• The thread carries on for countless pages finally to be replaced by the next ML thread.
  

I completely agree. There is no way to help him at this point he will have to help himself. If her looks are more important to him than his self respect who are we to judge. Advice here is a waste of time.

Edited May 12, 2014 by stillafool

[somedude81]

Yes. You should have made a scene. I'm serious. If I was the parent of one of the kids in the pool, I would have called the cops & pressed charges against both of you for exposing my kids to your sex games.

 

Your GF is not a healthy well balanced person.

 

It doesn't matter that the kids were in the shallow end & you were in the deep end. Her exhibitionist tendencies in front of children were improper. She made you a party to her crime.

 

We get it: She's hot & you are scared that you will never get another GF. That doesn't excuse her behavior. What is it going to take for you to walk away?

 

So far she:

 

* messes up your house

* messes up your car

* demands sex even when you are not in the mood

* refuses the simplest requst that she honor a dress code

* practically rapes you in a pool full of children

* refuses to acknowledge that she ever does anything wrong

 

You & I have already mentioned that you post all the bad stuff on LS so we don't see the good stuff, but you probably need to start pointing it out because from where I sit you are being abused in this relationship yet you refuse to see it. Don't you want a healthy, well balanced loving relationship?

He's in this relationship because he feels that he can't get anything better. And there is a pretty good chance that it's actually true.

 

What I find ironic is that there are many women who stay in abusive relationships while they know they can find better guys. They just don't want anybody else.

 

So if there are women out there who are being abused and refuse to leave, I seriously doubt Medium.Lumo will end it.

 

The fact is, to the struggling single guy, Medium.Lumo's situation is greatly preferred to being alone.

[Emilia]

What I find ironic is that there are many women who stay in abusive relationships while they know they can find better guys. They just don't want anybody else.

 

So if there are women out there who are being abused and refuse to leave, I seriously doubt Medium.Lumo will end it.

 

The fact is, to the struggling single guy, Medium.Lumo's situation is greatly preferred to being alone.

There is no difference between a woman who is in an emotionally abusive relationship and ML's situation. You are effectively endorsing staying in an abusive set up.

[Chocolat]

TIL: You can get away with 85% more crap if you're hot. Noted.

 

Last question OP, cause this thread is honestly becoming depressing and it's time to leave; What the hell does HD mean? You keep calling your creature "HD".."High Def"? "Hot and Desirable"? "Hot Dog"?

 

Highly Dysfunctional.

[Medium.Lumo]

TIL: You can get away with 85% more crap if you're hot. Noted.

 

Last question OP, cause this thread is honestly becoming depressing and it's time to leave; What the hell does HD mean? You keep calling your creature "HD".."High Def"? "Hot and Desirable"? "Hot Dog"?

 

High drive.

[d0nnivain]

The fact is, to the struggling single guy, Medium.Lumo's situation is greatly preferred to being alone.

 

That is so sad. However, I submit that if the staus quo is better than being alone no matter how awful the situation, there are self esteem issues at bottom. Also if it was OK & truly better than being alone, he wouldn't be complaining about it.

[Medium.Lumo]

That is so sad. However, I submit that if the staus quo is better than being alone no matter how awful the situation, there are self esteem issues at bottom. Also if it was OK & truly better than being alone, he wouldn't be complaining about it.

 

This just demonstrates your lack of knowledge about the current situation for single guys. It's extremely difficult. I only had one chance to have sex with girls in college and they were so drunk I declined.

 

Then I was friend zoned by a single mom.

 

So yes, I don't rate my chances that highly.