gaius Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Thanks man. I missed your post but it was great. I agree she has some good traits, but she definitely haa to work on some of her bad ones. I'm flip flopping about being with her now though. I am not sleeping well since this happened. It is really embarrassing and I find myself getting irritated with her over small things which is unusual for me. I'm starting to calm down about it but it still makes me sick to think about it. The reason I didn't want to do anything in the pool was because I figured if we stayed close together there was less chance of anyone seeing what was happening. We were also in the deep end... not right in front of the kids as many posters here seem to be thinking. Have a fight with her about it and see how you feel afterward. It's healthy to fight sometimes. Just letting rage and resentment build up is not good for either of you. 1
Author Medium.Lumo Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Have a fight with her about it and see how you feel afterward. It's healthy to fight sometimes. Just letting rage and resentment build up is not good for either of you. Sounds like a good idea, but our fights fizzle out. We've had a few but I feel crap about telling her off... and she doesn't get angry back, it's unnerving so I can't continue. Sometimes she even acts as if I'm crazy and hugs me and says "it's going to be on baby" etc... difficult to get angry with her! I'm much better at fighting with guys who get angry back...
bluegreen Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 And to add insult to an injury she is good manipulator to and you do not realize this ? 1
StanMusial Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Are you really that scared that you could never find another girlfriend? If you can find one you can find another. When you go through life you are going to have to deal with people who want to push you around or try to get you to do things that aren't in your best interests or that you just don't want to do for some reason. It'll happen in other relationships and in your professional life too. You better learn to stand up for yourself or you're going to get steamrolled constantly. 5
Candy_Pants Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Two things: 1. Anyone of you ever tried to have sex in a swimming pool? it's practically impossible to have intercourse. The water is washing away all natural lubrication. Penetration has to be a common effort and IF you succeed at having intercourse in water than getting that dvk out demands as much efforts because of the vacuum the going in created. I've had pool/hot tub sex, it's not that difficult. Especially with the woman's legs wrapped around the man. Maybe I don't have a vacuum vagina . 3
carhill Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Afterwards I felt terrible. It was wrong on so many levels, there were kids in the pool and we were supposed to be looking after them, and she had inserted me into herself against my will. OP, it sounds like much of your concern and negative feelings about this revolve as much around one unwanted sex act as they do feeling powerless in the presence of children in your care. As you shared, and most other men are aware of (pretty sure women too), a man can become sexually aroused by direct contact, especially with a female if that is his sexual presence and more especially his girlfriend, even if he doesn't *want* to have sex. In this case, man could have responded by pushing girlfriend away and existing pool with large erection in full view of children in their care. For some men, this could be quite embarrassing, not to mention have overtones of lewd and lascivious conduct in front of children. The OP apparently felt he was in a no-win situation and consented because it was the more appropriate of two uncomfortable choices. He was left with negative feelings regarding his girlfriend due to a fundamental lack of respect for him as her boyfriend, as a man and as an adult guardian in that situation. 1
Author Medium.Lumo Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Good insights carhill. There were no positives to the experience. I didn't see a good option, which made me panic and probably made my judgement even worse. OP, it sounds like much of your concern and negative feelings about this revolve as much around one unwanted sex act as they do feeling powerless in the presence of children in your care. As you shared, and most other men are aware of (pretty sure women too), a man can become sexually aroused by direct contact, especially with a female if that is his sexual presence and more especially his girlfriend, even if he doesn't *want* to have sex. In this case, man could have responded by pushing girlfriend away and existing pool with large erection in full view of children in their care. For some men, this could be quite embarrassing, not to mention have overtones of lewd and lascivious conduct in front of children. The OP apparently felt he was in a no-win situation and consented because it was the more appropriate of two uncomfortable choices. He was left with negative feelings regarding his girlfriend due to a fundamental lack of respect for him as her boyfriend, as a man and as an adult guardian in that situation.
MidwestUSA Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Good insights carhill. There were no positives to the experience. I didn't see a good option, which made me panic and probably made my judgement even worse. Well try to remember for next time that you were in the deep end, and no one would have seen your erection. Nothing would have deflated you faster than the sight of one of those kids drowning. A good lifeguard needs to think out these panic situations in advance. 3
Author Medium.Lumo Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Very true MidwestUSA. Good point. I did the total opposite, acted like an idiot.
MidwestUSA Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Very true MidwestUSA. Good point. I did the total opposite, acted like an idiot. Well, you were caught off guard. You now know what you should have done. Bigger question now, how are you going to go about setting some boundaries in general? 2
passion_flower Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 OMG! The more I hear about this girl, the more I am convinced she is bad news for you.
Author Medium.Lumo Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 I don't know. I've tried bringing it up but she is acting dumb... Why are you mad? You know why I'm mad... No baby... why? Because of what happened in the pool It was just a bit of fun, don't get so grumpy about it Etc etc
martaldn Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 She making u paying for the Walking Dead day Lumo Was she wearying a Hello Kitty bikini at least?
MidwestUSA Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I don't know. I've tried bringing it up but she is acting dumb... Why are you mad? You know why I'm mad... No baby... why? Because of what happened in the pool It was just a bit of fun, don't get so grumpy about it Etc etc Instead of saying 'because of what happened in the pool', lay out the real implications and your true feelings. Get angry with her; it sounds like it'll bounce off her, but it's worth a shot. Better yet, tell your brothers what happened while the kids were under your watch. Honestly, you're going to let an immature girl walk all over you because she's hot, and you fear you won't get another girlfriend? 2
carhill Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 OP, a posting touched upon one aspect IMO which bears scrutiny. Right now, with this discussion under your belt, regarding this relationship, what do you fear? If you are assertive regarding your boundaries, either as 'ground rules' or if similar situations arise in the future, what's the most frightening circumstances you can imagine? Identify it/them and work it/them. That's where your solution IMO will come from. In life, stuff happens. We have choices regarding how we process stuff. You have free will and you have choices. Up to you! That's empowering! 2
Eivuwan Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 OP, it seems like you do not recognize that her playing dumb and acting sweet is something that she does to manipulate you. Someone who really cares would take you seriously. What is your bottom line? Anyway, I agree with the others that learning how to be assertive is an important skill in life. Unfortunately, there are predators out there and they tend to go for people who act like they can't stand up for themselves. Then these victims end up feeling that this treatment is normal and that most people are like that. Do not go down this path. 2
somedude81 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 This just goes to show that guys will put up with a lot of crap from a girl if it meant that the alternative was to leave her and be single. Girlfriend who has her way with me whenever she wants, or my hand? Decisions, decisions. 1
spiderowl Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 You seem overly worried about upsetting her when her behaviour goes beyond your boundaries. She coerced you in that situation. If she doesn't want to be challenged about her behaviour, she should not coerce people. I think you need to draw lines in the sand about what you will and will not put up with then enforce it. If you didn't feel it was practical in that situation, then certainly tackle her afterwards. So what if she gets upset? She needs to face what she did. There are women out there who would respect you. You might not find one straight away but the alternative seems to be putting up with this strange woman who does not respect you. Maybe she needs a submissive guy and will keep putting pressure on you because of that. If you don't want to be the submissive guy in her life, you need to step out of this.
Titania22 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 For many, being alone is worse than death itself. I really don't understand this way of thinking. (But maybe its the difference between being an introvert and an extrovert.)
amaysngrace Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I know it's probably bad that she did that but at least it wasn't your cousin who stuck your penis inside of her because that's what it sounds like you meant. I'm glad it was just your psycho non-blood relative because that would've been way more traumatic for those kids. 2
mindykaling Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I am sickened by this thread and the victim shaming. Do you think women can't rape men because it happens all the time. 1
amaysngrace Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I am sickened by this thread and the victim shaming. Do you think women can't rape men because it happens all the time. Who is victim shaming? I thought it was his cousin he was talking about. He never mentioned it was his GF. If he is a victim then maybe he should stop inviting her to places? I know I would.
lollipopspot Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Change all the shes for hes and hes for shes and this forum would be on fire. Not if the female outweighed the guy by 50 pounds or whatever, no one was drinking or drugging or otherwise incapacitated, and the victim had zero fear of being hurt by pushing the offender away (in fact the reverse was true). If the female is a lot bigger and can "easily" (his word) push the guy off with no fear of being hurt herself (the OP wasn't afraid of being hurt, he was actually afraid of hurting her), then that's just OP not being assertive. It's a violation, but this OP needed to give a stronger 'no,' as his 'no' seems to mean almost nothing. I believe strength/size, situation, and socialization have something to do with rape. 1
somedude81 Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Not if the female outweighed the guy by 50 pounds or whatever, no one was drinking or drugging or otherwise incapacitated, and the victim had zero fear of being hurt by pushing the offender away (in fact the reverse was true). If the female is a lot bigger and can "easily" (his word) push the guy off with no fear of being hurt herself (the OP wasn't afraid of being hurt, he was actually afraid of hurting her), then that's just OP not being assertive. It's a violation, but this OP needed to give a stronger 'no,' as his 'no' seems to mean almost nothing. I believe strength/size, situation, and socialization have something to do with rape. Can you imagine the reaction if somebody said, "She needed to give a stronger no." He said no and tried to push her away. She raped him. 3
Author Medium.Lumo Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 She was gripping me tightly. I tried to push her off and she gripped tighter. Yes I could have forced her off but she would be badly bruised and hurt. So you're saying you would have no problem with doing that? Not if the female outweighed the guy by 50 pounds or whatever, no one was drinking or drugging or otherwise incapacitated, and the victim had zero fear of being hurt by pushing the offender away (in fact the reverse was true). If the female is a lot bigger and can "easily" (his word) push the guy off with no fear of being hurt herself (the OP wasn't afraid of being hurt, he was actually afraid of hurting her), then that's just OP not being assertive. It's a violation, but this OP needed to give a stronger 'no,' as his 'no' seems to mean almost nothing. I believe strength/size, situation, and socialization have something to do with rape.
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