Natsume21 Posted May 19, 2014 Posted May 19, 2014 There is no coming back from the sexual attraction thing, I am telling you that as a woman. And she didn't just make a decision in 4 days, women aren't decisive like that usually. I'm not proud to say it but I once left a guy the way your girl left and I had lost feelings for months before I got the nerve, and when I did leave, someone else was waiting for me. I'm sorry but I'm 99% sure that you will find out someone else is in the picture. I have never seen a break not be a break up either. After her comment, as a man I think you should NC, don't give her the power, it won't make her come back and you'll look weak. You'll feel like total utter crap after too. I have never gone back with an ex because he was "there for me" or because he begged, that's just unattractive and I have to agree with the other poster that your councilors advice is not any I'd be following. So nope, not a councilor, but I am a woman who's been in a similar position as your ex and I'm just telling you where my head was at that time. Glad you're honest. Truth is, dude, most girls her age at the time are like that. Get used to it.
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 We haven't texted for a week and seen each other in 2 weeks. I never did go out or do anything with her during Victoria Day like I wanted to (see above). She texted me today about some financial things and said she needs to come get some clothing and look for some school paperwork. She wants to come after work tomorrow. Since she'll be over, I want to take this chance to sit down and talk with her for a bit, whether that means going for coffee, just talking on the couch, or going for dinner somewhere. For what it's worth, I haven't responded to her saying she wants to come over. I want wait and respond later so she knows I'm not responding within a second of her texting me, so *maybe* that will play into the no contact "questions" she'll get in her head like has been suggested. So how can I bring up that we should take the evening to talk? Should it be some sort of 'invite' to a date or just a suggestion that she can take or leave? I want it to be stress free, but end in asking her to come to counselling.
Musing Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 From what it sounds like to me, this girl left the relationship already. Considering she hasn't really spoken to you in a week or saw you in two, I think it'd be a stretch to get her to sit down and really talk things out, let alone get her into counseling. I think she'd feel obliged to talk to you to alleviate her guilt as you two have a history. Counseling is more for those who both want it. Such as couples who often fight, or are already married or have children involved. Both need to want it. It seems to me she does not really want it. Personally, if it were me and I wasn't into a relationship anymore, I'd view counseling as a waste of time. It sounds cold but if she has indeed checked out, I doubt she'll buy it. I'd take a casual approach and try to talk to her in a natural way, not an awkward "let's have a break-up date thing" kind of way. Just lay it out to her in plain terms. Tell her how you feel. Then the ball is in her court. Suggest counseling but don't beg. And don't rehearse in your head. I use to do that a lot and give myself false hope. Those conversations almost never go the way you want/plan them to. Be firm, be honest and be collected.
Survivor12 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 First, let go of your urge to "set the stage". She told you why she is coming over. She may not want to sit down and talk with you. There is no good reason to be making plans for dinner, coffee or anything else. If she wants to sit and talk, great. If she does, just tell her what YOU want without attempting to sway or manipulate her. Be honest; don't try to hide your intentions and let her decide without being pressured. Then LISTEN and accept what she says that SHE wants. If it's not what you want, don't try to change her mind. You won't. Sure, she may acquiesce to satisfy you, but it doesn't mean that she agrees. Oh, and stop playing games. She has let you know that she needs (not WANTS) to come over to get some things. Delaying a response to feign nonchalance is juvenile and will come off as you being difficult and controlling. Believe me, if she has changed her mind and wants to be together, she'll let you know. You don't have to DO anything.
hoping2heal Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 Yep, she met someone else. I scarcely jump on the "there's someone else" bandwagon around here but.. 1. Hard to have sex with you 2. Claims the relationship might be too stable for her 3. The old "I need to find myself" which only ever means one thing; I want to be single so I can date someone else. Put the three together and this has other man (or woman??) all over it. Might not be cheating either, but she's met someone else and he/she tickles her flight of fancy.
loversquarrel Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 A couple of key words in your initial post I couldn't help but notice - "previous abusive relationship", "previous drug use", and her complaint that the relationship is too stable??? In my experience I have found that women who have such baggage end up becoming problematic down the road. This could also be a product of you trying to "save" her. If she hadn't received professional therapy for her previous issues then her actions do not surprise me. I wouldn't be pining so hard to get her back, she clearly doesn't want the relationship and if she did go back she may end up resenting you in the end.
Natsume21 Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 A couple of key words in your initial post I couldn't help but notice - "previous abusive relationship", "previous drug use", and her complaint that the relationship is too stable??? In my experience I have found that women who have such baggage end up becoming problematic down the road. This could also be a product of you trying to "save" her. If she hadn't received professional therapy for her previous issues then her actions do not surprise me. I wouldn't be pining so hard to get her back, she clearly doesn't want the relationship and if she did go back she may end up resenting you in the end. In case, original OP, you don't understand what he's saying. There's a good chance your amazing "ex" is addicted to abusive relationships and might have gone back to an ex. And yes, this is a real thing. Don't see it as some kind of loss. See it as a bullet dodge.
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Over 3 weeks have passed and I have my answer. We actually talked for 3 hours last night. It’s an incredibly weird feeling, because we were both civil and open and honest, but of course that she made this choice still hurts. She doesn’t know what she wants, but she knows it isn’t me right now. She might want to travel the world to work and see the sights. A classmate put a bug in her ear that she’s moving to Calgary to work a minimum wage job “just because.” I asked if she realized how much rent was. She said “no, and that’s why she’s brave for going.” I don’t know if she (my ex) wants to go to Calgary, but that discussion kind of defined the rest of our discussion, since I’m the rational guy who asks questions before doing things like that. She said she actually questioned the relationship only a few months into it: when I was gone for a week visiting my family she started questioning if everything was going too fast, if this is what she wanted, where we were going, etc. She said every few months she would push that thought into the back of her head, thinking that getting engaged, getting married, etc. would change things. She felt there wasn’t enough time away from her previous relationship before getting into this one. She felt she couldn’t use drugs, because even with the ambiguity she knew I wasn’t comfortable with it. She says she’s never had the opportunity to “find herself” but felt that she was only getting farther away from who she (thinks she) is: she wants to be independent, on her own, and find herself. Her poor self esteem is still showing through: she said she’s upset with herself because she was set to get married, be stable, and eventually have kids. She doesn’t feel like she’ll ever find another guy who will do that for her, and she doesn’t feel like she deserves it. Her mom and friends have told her she’s making a mistake, and that the least she could do was counselling to figure out what could be worked on. She admitted counselling “probably would” help, but said she was “tired” and didn’t feel like she had to “try” any longer. She has feminine medical issues that prevent/limit what we can do sexually. To me, I thought giving her space to work those issues out was the right thing to do, meaning sometimes we’d only have sex 2 or 3 times a month. But for her, she wanted me to be more assertive and aggressive, more spontaneous with sex, etc. Like I said, she doesn’t know what she wants, so she wants to be ‘free’ to find herself and figure it out. In the end, she said we became more like best friends or roommates than a couple. She left the door half open, saying she wants to get herself stabilized and then “we’ll see what happens.” I was non-committal and said I wouldn’t be waiting, whatever happens happens. It’s friggin confusing that she would put herself through chaos to become stable after leaving a stable situation (me). A small part of me (yeah, hopelessly optimistic, whatever) still thinks she’ll break down some way through all of this and realize the mistake she’s made. But I won’t be waiting forever. It’s a very weird feeling to be told that you could have given her “everything” but that it still wasn’t enough. I really appreciate everyone’s support and will still be checking in to offer my comments.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 K. So, some time has passed since your original post and the original responses (including mine)... Now, it is clear she's done. You mention her self-esteem, but what about yours?? Seriously?? I suggest you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I think this could be of help to you. Your posts display several tendencies of this syndrome...
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 K. So, some time has passed since your original post and the original responses (including mine)... Now, it is clear she's done. Very true. I don't think I can be blamed for receiving her mixed message as being mixed and not knowing what she meant. She's clear she's done; the "break" in the beginning was supposed to be a break, but within 4 days (again, just her explanation) she realized nothing would change. Calling it a break was the convenient way of getting out of the relationship without having the guts to call it a break up, which is what you said 1
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Well, I figure I should provide an update on what’s happened over these past 7 weeks. Her graduation day has come and passed. The last of her things will be moved out this weekend. She’s initiated most of the contact, which is good (or so I’ve read). Usually it’s been texts from her asking when she can call. I’ll wait a while then give her a time. It starts out asking when she can come pick up a few things, but then we’ll stray into talking about how our cat is doing, what we were doing at school/work, etc. We’ve talked almost once a week and probably seen each other 4 or 5 times in the past 7 weeks. On her grad day I told her congratulations and hoped her day went well. She said thank you and that she couldn’t have done it without me. This really has me confused because (I think) it’s true and it’s a thoughtful thing to say that I wouldn’t expect from an ex. Or maybe she’s just being polite? What’s your reading into it? We’re supposed to see each other on Friday; then on Saturday she’s coming over to pack, and on Sunday she’s coming with a truck and that’s that…
BC1980 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Well, I figure I should provide an update on what’s happened over these past 7 weeks. Her graduation day has come and passed. The last of her things will be moved out this weekend. She’s initiated most of the contact, which is good (or so I’ve read). Usually it’s been texts from her asking when she can call. I’ll wait a while then give her a time. It starts out asking when she can come pick up a few things, but then we’ll stray into talking about how our cat is doing, what we were doing at school/work, etc. We’ve talked almost once a week and probably seen each other 4 or 5 times in the past 7 weeks. On her grad day I told her congratulations and hoped her day went well. She said thank you and that she couldn’t have done it without me. This really has me confused because (I think) it’s true and it’s a thoughtful thing to say that I wouldn’t expect from an ex. Or maybe she’s just being polite? What’s your reading into it? We’re supposed to see each other on Friday; then on Saturday she’s coming over to pack, and on Sunday she’s coming with a truck and that’s that… So she only sees you to pack up her shyte? Seems like she's moving forward with the breakup. Nothing to read into here. 1
Author DazedandConfused8 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Well, what great timing this has been! I got a drunk call from her last night. This is one confused girl. She repeated what she’s already said several times: that she was bored, she felt tied down, she felt like she was holding me back, she wants to do drugs, and she just wants to be single and ‘free’ for a while before figuring out where she wanted to go in life. She’s already been kicked out of one place and is already living in her second. She’s been doing drugs and clubbing every night and loves it. Then she got into apologizing, crying and saying she was sorry she had to do this to me. She said she has daddy issues and is really messed up and unstable right now (her words). She again repeated how great it was being with me and how thankful she was for everything I had done for her. She actually said she feels like my purpose in life was to get her stable, and well-supported so she could move onto other things. Wow! That one hurt. She said she wanted me to “stand up to her” in fights and “put her in her place” (her words). She wanted me to “be a man” by telling her that I was going out with friends or doing something rather than asking (not for her permission, but to make sure we were prepared for it). Huh!? Then she repeated how we weren’t “right for each other.” Then she asked how I was feeling and doing, because it would “make a difference” to her to know how I’m feeling. This conversation went on for about 45 minutes. Again I was non-committal about anything specific. Then she put me on “hold” and hung up on me. She’s obviously confused. She was also drunk, but she didn’t say anything different than what she had said in person.
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