Actually, the OW does owe me something....

[tornapart2002]

I read it all the time on forums and on blog posts and articles about infidelity. "You should be mad at your husband, not the other woman. he is the one who broke his vow to you, she owes you nothing."

 

Um..I'm sorry what?

 

Yes. Oh yes, I have every right to be angry at him and I have been, but that does not mean I will excuse her for her part in it, especially in my case.

 

I hear this too: "maybe she didn't even know he was married...poor thing."

 

Um...I'm sorry what?

 

Not in my case. she knew he was married. She knows who I am. She commented on photos of my kid. She messaged me once. She knew who I was and who he was but she didn't care. In her case she wanted to get her husband back for having a child with another woman while OW was married to him. Not only that but he slept with a teenager and got her pregnant too. She went after my husband to make herself feel better. Am I saying my husband is innocent? Hell no. He's a pussy who let this woman use him not once but twice. She'd used him years ago as well to get back at a boyfriend. My husband is an idiot. He knows it. I know it.

 

And I am angry at him and he knows that. I wanted to leave him and he knows that. He asked me to give him a chance and I am doing that.

 

So why does this woman who made no promises to be that she broke owe me anyhing? She owes me something as a fellow woman. Not just as a fellow woman but as a woman who was made to feel as shedid once -- as a non-entity- a non-person. When a woman engages in an affair with a married man and I don't care if that man begged her too, she is disrespecting the wife. She is disrespecting the wife's right to have a say.

 

In my case, this woman was cheated on at least twice by her husband. Yet she had no problem doing the same to me that those women did to her. Now she tells everyone she is the victim and how she can't believe someone as special as her would be treated in such a poor way.

 

Her husband abandoned her (he's a horrible man and for that I actually do feel sorry for her), and now she is left alone to raise their children. Am I happy? No. I don't want her to suffer. I just want her to realize, someday, that she did to me what was done to her. That she's currently doing it again to another wife (yes, she is having another affair with another married man). And I want her to realize she owes me some damn respect and a damn apology -- in a different way than my husband does. It took me a long time to decide that I do deserve respect.

 

*preface to the following statement, I am not saying I am perfect or better than anyone!*

 

I have never been a perfect wife, but I have been one who has been loyal and faithful and dedicated to the promise I made to my husband, even when he wasn't. And even if I wasn't a loyal person, or even if I wasn't "perfect" (no one is, obviously) I did not deserve to be deceived and lied to and trashed.

 

And honestly? Neither did she..no matter how bad she hurt me and others.

 

And honestly, neither did any of you, no matter what you did in your marriage -- you may have deserved to be divorced, but not to be cheated on.

[tornapart2002]

Just to clarify...I know she's never really going to apologize or admit what she did was wrong....but she still owes it to me. I'm not stupid enough to think I will ever get that apology and of course I'd probably spit it back in her face. Ha. Ha. Seriously, I hope I wouldn't at this stage in my healing, but sadly i might would.

[notserene]

The OW owed me the decency that any human being would owe another human being. She chose not to do the decent thing because being selfish suited her purposes.

 

She didn't "cheat on me" but she was a willing accomplice.

 

She wanted my WH to leave his family after a two month affair. This caused the A to fall apart (too much reality for WH, I think, and I also think he knew it would be an epic disaster). When he wouldn't do that she threw two weeks worth of tantrums and threatened him with bodily harm. This says a lot about what kind of person she is.

 

Yes, I know my husband cheated on me and that is a deeper betrayal. He also feels deep remorse and wants me to trust him again.

 

The OW acted like an overgrown, spoiled, violent child who had been wronged because he ended the A. His children and I were just an obstacle to her getting what she wanted.

 

I know that there are OWs who are nothing like this, thanks (in part) to reading these forums, but my husband's A ended a little over two months ago and when I think of "other women" these are still the triggers in my head.

[dichotomy]

It sounds as though life has already spit in her face. If only life were this just for all of us.

[gettingstronger]

She owes me peace and quiet which she has not granted me. She owed me the decency to walk away which she didn't.

[tornapart2002]

The OW owed me the decency that any human being would owe another human being. She chose not to do the decent thing because being selfish suited her purposes.

 

She didn't "cheat on me" but she was a willing accomplice.

 

She wanted my WH to leave his family after a two month affair. This caused the A to fall apart (too much reality for WH, I think, and I also think he knew it would be an epic disaster). When he wouldn't do that she threw two weeks worth of tantrums and threatened him with bodily harm. This says a lot about what kind of person she is.

 

Yes, I know my husband cheated on me and that is a deeper betrayal. He also feels deep remorse and wants me to trust him again.

 

The OW acted like an overgrown, spoiled, violent child who had been wronged because he ended the A. His children and I were just an obstacle to her getting what she wanted.

 

I know that there are OWs who are nothing like this, thanks (in part) to reading these forums, but my husband's A ended a little over two months ago and when I think of "other women" these are still the triggers in my head.

 

 

That is the other thing I wanted to write: the decency of one human being to another!

 

I also know there are OWs who are not like that too.

 

And men to me and our son being an obstacle. She wanted my husband to take her away from her horrible husband and raise her children. Her oldest child even told my husband she felt he would be a better father. *shudder* Her oldest even knew of the affair! What an example she set for that young girl, who is now pregnant at 17.

[Goodbye]

What could the OW in your case do to help you? You say she "owes" you something. What could she say/do to help you? I'm genuinely curious because it seems most apologies by OW are seen as insincere intrusions. Do you want to have a conversation with her? Or, do you want her to email you with an apology?

[ladydesigner]

I wanted an apology from MOW. I finally got it in the end although by that time it was too little too late for me. I put 50/50 blame on both the MOW (she knew my WH was M and she interacted with me and my kids:sick:) and my WH. Sorry MOW doesn't get off scott free. Not in my case. I place the blame in her lap too and consequences were felt by both her and my WH.

[tornapart2002]

It sounds as though life has already spit in her face. If only life were this just for all of us.

 

It has. there is a lot more to the story of what he's done to her and how horrible he is, but I don't want to put all the details on a public forum. Did she deserve the suffering? No. Did she bring it on herself? In some ways, yes. Do I feel bad for her? Part of me does and part of me doesn't. A larger part of me hoped the rumors I heard about him were not true and maybe they could work things out like we are trying to. I was horrified when I learned the rumors about him were all true.

[tornapart2002]

I just never like the idea of "excusing" the OW or OM because they didn't promise you anything. It sounds like something an OW or OM would say so they can feel like they are justified to walk away without blame.Not every OW or OM, of course.

 

Again, as you've said here, I also put the blame on my WH, so I m not only blaming the MOW!

 

I wanted an apology from MOW. I finally got it in the end although by that time it was too little too late for me. I put 50/50 blame on both the MOW (she knew my WH was M and she interacted with me and my kids:sick:) and my WH. Sorry MOW doesn't get off scott free. Not in my case. I place the blame in her lap too and consequences were felt by both her and my WH.

[tornapart2002]

It's a great question because I really don't know. I wanted to vent, but I really don't know. Do I really want her anywhere near my life since she hasn't been for several months? No. So....what do I really want? What do I even expect here? It's something I really need to think about.

 

Sometimes, yes, I want to really have a conversation with her so I actually have a say. I've never said anything to her. Never had her say anything to me. I've had no say in any of this and I want my damn say. But...then again...do I really want to even engage her so she can tell me more than I need to know and trash me or whatever.

 

Yep...you have me thinking!

 

What could the OW in your case do to help you? You say she "owes" you something. What could she say/do to help you? I'm genuinely curious because it seems most apologies by OW are seen as insincere intrusions. Do you want to have a conversation with her? Or, do you want her to email you with an apology?

[BetrayedH]

I think people owe one another common decency.

 

Sadly, it appears people are as short of common decency as they are of common sense.

[ladydesigner]

Sometimes, yes, I want to really have a conversation with her so I actually have a say. I've never said anything to her. Never had her say anything to me. I've had no say in any of this and I want my damn say. But...then again...do I really want to even engage her so she can tell me more than I need to know and trash me or whatever.

 

Yep...you have me thinking!

 

Be prepared for the unapologetic OW like in my case. When I had a conversation with her she immediately blamed my M failing on me and a lot of not so nice things to say about me. Sometimes when we speak to the OW it makes it worse. The way it made me feel I could have grabbed OW through the phone and well you know.

[fellini]

What can any of us expect from the AP?

 

This was a question I asked myself during an entire year. What can I say to the AP? What does he owe me.

 

And in the end, I realised he owes me nothing. He has already taken, and lost. But for months I was nagged by something that needed to be said. And so finally, on the anniversary of year one, I finally heard what it was I needed to do. I sent the AP an email. And in that email, as you have done above, I spoke about human dignity. I spoke of his contribution to the affair, I spoke of his contribution to the pain and suffering he was complicit with in so many people, families, friends. And I spoke of his indignity in participating in a pathetic game in which there was never going to be a resolution for anyone, and they both knew that from go. I spoke of his indignity in having sexual relations with another man's wife, knowing she continued to share a bed at night. I spoke of the indignity of his behaviour as a professional, as a educated professor in a faculty of education where his role was to shape the minds of young aspiring teachers and the incredible duplicity, the incredible hypocrisy of his actions in terms of his career. And I reminded him that as BS who lost his own spouse to an AP that his complete non hesitation to enter into this game with my wife was, above all, a repugnant disgrace to the year of pain he passed through with his own WS. To demean his own suffering by doing the very same to others, to more, to the family of a co-worker, this made him a pathetic and unworthy person.

 

But above all, I realised, that while I could not ask anything of him that he had not already taken that was impossible to return, I asked that he never again, when faced with an opportunity, regardless of how attractive, or intelligent, or how flattering or how seductive she is, to think twice about the enormous pain and suffering he is going to cause the families and friends of the women he chooses to pursue. I asked him to think about turning her down. I asked him to behave, next time, with dignity.

 

There is nothing we can do to change people, there is nothing we can do to stop people from doing what they do, the best we can do is to ask them to change themselves, and to learn about themselves knowing that they are not innocent or without responsibility.

[notserene]

Be Py ipared for the unapologetic OW like in my case. When I had a conversation with her she immediately blamed my M failing on me and a lot of not so nice things to say about me. Sometimes when we speak to the OW it makes it worse. The way it made me feel I could have grabbed OW through the phone and well you know.

 

I don't want to talk to OW for the same reason. She is unstable and who knows what she will say?

I would be happy if I found out that she moved far away. Like to the moon.

Edited May 9, 2014 by notserene
typo

[KaliLove]

The OW in my case paid a hefty price for what she did. She lost her company, most of her friends, and several months that she spent in jail/house arrest/court for stalking and holding me at gunpoint. But most of all, she lost 10 years of her life chasing my ex husband and now she's all alone.

 

Most OWs can relate to the time lost. Most of them waste years of their lives on men who are never going to leave their marriages, despite pretty words and promises.

 

I can't stay angry. I would be pissed if I was an OW who spent time waiting for a guy who was never going to leave. Yeah, it was really messed up of her to invade my marriage. There's no excuse for being with a married man. But ultimately most OWs do not end up with the men they cheat with. All they end up with is battle scars.

 

No point in wasting any more of my time being angry at her.

[tornapart2002]

Wow. I got off light. TheOW in my case essentially disappeared and did not hold me at gunpoint! Wow! That's awful! So glad you are OK!Physically anyhow.

 

The OW in my case paid a hefty price for what she did. She lost her company, most of her friends, and several months that she spent in jail/house arrest/court for stalking and holding me at gunpoint. But most of all, she lost 10 years of her life chasing my ex husband and now she's all alone.

 

Most OWs can relate to the time lost. Most of them waste years of their lives on men who are never going to leave their marriages, despite pretty words and promises.

 

I can't stay angry. I would be pissed if I was an OW who spent time waiting for a guy who was never going to leave. Yeah, it was really messed up of her to invade my marriage. There's no excuse for being with a married man. But ultimately most OWs do not end up with the men they cheat with. All they end up with is battle scars.

 

No point in wasting any more of my time being angry at her.

[KaliLove]

Wow. I got off light. TheOW in my case essentially disappeared and did not hold me at gunpoint! Wow! That's awful! So glad you are OK!Physically anyhow.

 

You didn't get off light. Cheating is incredibly painful and I'm really sorry you had to go through it.

[tornapart2002]

You didn't get off light. Cheating is incredibly painful and I'm really sorry you had to go through it.

 

I truly believe it is one of the most painful things a person can go through and one of the most cruel things a human being can do to another human being. I realize that many who cheat do not think that far ahead, but it absolutely destroys the soul of a person from the inside out -- the deceit, the acts, all of it combined. It is horrific and I don't even know if my husband fully comprehends what it has done to me, but I know he is trying and has told me over and over he is horrified by what he has done to me. He's in counseling, I'm in counseling. It's been a real nightmare at times.

[tornapart2002]

Did he ever respond?

 

What you said is so on the money.

 

I don't know if I will ever be that brave because I believe I will either get no response or get what some have mentioned above: blamed for what happened. Although I would shoot back at her: So then you are to blame for your husband cheating twice on you and having children with both of those women.

 

What can any of us expect from the AP?

 

This was a question I asked myself during an entire year. What can I say to the AP? What does he owe me.

 

And in the end, I realised he owes me nothing. He has already taken, and lost. But for months I was nagged by something that needed to be said. And so finally, on the anniversary of year one, I finally heard what it was I needed to do. I sent the AP an email. And in that email, as you have done above, I spoke about human dignity. I spoke of his contribution to the affair, I spoke of his contribution to the pain and suffering he was complicit with in so many people, families, friends. And I spoke of his indignity in participating in a pathetic game in which there was never going to be a resolution for anyone, and they both knew that from go. I spoke of his indignity in having sexual relations with another man's wife, knowing she continued to share a bed at night. I spoke of the indignity of his behaviour as a professional, as a educated professor in a faculty of education where his role was to shape the minds of young aspiring teachers and the incredible duplicity, the incredible hypocrisy of his actions in terms of his career. And I reminded him that as BS who lost his own spouse to an AP that his complete non hesitation to enter into this game with my wife was, above all, a repugnant disgrace to the year of pain he passed through with his own WS. To demean his own suffering by doing the very same to others, to more, to the family of a co-worker, this made him a pathetic and unworthy person.

 

But above all, I realised, that while I could not ask anything of him that he had not already taken that was impossible to return, I asked that he never again, when faced with an opportunity, regardless of how attractive, or intelligent, or how flattering or how seductive she is, to think twice about the enormous pain and suffering he is going to cause the families and friends of the women he chooses to pursue. I asked him to think about turning her down. I asked him to behave, next time, with dignity.

 

There is nothing we can do to change people, there is nothing we can do to stop people from doing what they do, the best we can do is to ask them to change themselves, and to learn about themselves knowing that they are not innocent or without responsibility.

[underpants]

I read it all the time on forums and on blog posts and articles about infidelity. "You should be mad at your husband, not the other woman. he is the one who broke his vow to you, she owes you nothing."

 

Um..I'm sorry what?

 

Its sad ,but true. We are really on our own.

 

 

So why does this woman who made no promises to be that she broke owe me anyhing? She owes me something as a fellow woman. Not just as a fellow woman but as a woman who was made to feel as shedid once -- as a non-entity- a non-person. When a woman engages in an affair with a married man and I don't care if that man begged her too, she is disrespecting the wife. She is disrespecting the wife's right to have a say.

 

It far more easier isn't it? To hate on some woman instead of focusing on the facts. The partnership you have with your spouse has been breached by your spouse, ONLY. It simply can't be. Sadly it is and that is the fact twice that you know about now. Facts are good they lead to correct answers and paths for OUR ...INDIVIDUAL life paths. Sure there are good eggs out there that will stop things, alert people, walk away or tell, or not give a damn and engage, such are the flavors of people and circumstances. Figure out your circumstance and put yourself on a path for YOU!

 

In my case, this woman was cheated on at least twice by her husband. Yet she had no problem doing the same to me that those women did to her. Now she tells everyone she is the victim and how she can't believe someone as special as her would be treated in such a poor way.

 

Her husband abandoned her (he's a horrible man and for that I actually do feel sorry for her), and now she is left alone to raise their children. Am I happy? No. I don't want her to suffer. I just want her to realize, someday, that she did to me what was done to her. That she's currently doing it again to another wife (yes, she is having another affair with another married man). And I want her to realize she owes me some damn respect and a damn apology -- in a different way than my husband does. It took me a long time to decide that I do deserve respect.

 

It is not your problem. Your problem is a cheater for a husband.

 

 

I have never been a perfect wife, but I have been one who has been loyal and faithful and dedicated to the promise I made to my husband, even when he wasn't. And even if I wasn't a loyal person, or even if I wasn't "perfect" (no one is, obviously) I did not deserve to be deceived and lied to and trashed.

 

And honestly? Neither did she..no matter how bad she hurt me and others.

 

In a perfect world, alot of things would and would not happen. Then there is reality and YOUR life. Of course no one deserves to be cut off in traffic, but it happens, no one deserves to have a tornato land on their house but it happens, no one deserves to be victimized, but it happens (sigh). It is how you react, and doing the same thing over expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. Experiences, even the most painful ones, can help our soul's grow.

 

And honestly, neither did any of you, no matter what you did in your marriage -- you may have deserved to be divorced, but not to be cheated on.

 

Okay, I read this alot. Personally I disagree to an extent. Being dumped just plan sucks, 1 year, 5 years, pregnant (with twins), 20 years....15-85 being heartbroken is never pleasant. It hurts. Being cheated on is a betrayl, being dumped because you just didn't cut it, well that hurts like swallowing razors too. There is no Gold metal in the pain olympics. Don't compete.

 

Accept your hand and play, because life has alot of good too. Much more if you let that cheater fend for themselves.

 

My 0.2

Edited May 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Guidelines.

[tornapart2002]

The other people the OW disrespected in my case? Our son and her daughters...... and the fact she is having an affair with another married man just makes the situation for her children even worse.

 

I truly hope that one day she wakes up before she hurts her children even worse. I won't let her hurt my son ever again.

[KaliLove]

I truly believe it is one of the most painful things a person can go through and one of the most cruel things a human being can do to another human being. I realize that many who cheat do not think that far ahead, but it absolutely destroys the soul of a person from the inside out -- the deceit, the acts, all of it combined. It is horrific and I don't even know if my husband fully comprehends what it has done to me, but I know he is trying and has told me over and over he is horrified by what he has done to me. He's in counseling, I'm in counseling. It's been a real nightmare at times.

 

I wish you nothing but happiness in your future.

[snappytomcat]

I wish you nothing but happiness in your future.

i wish you nothing but happiness too,some people just want to pick everything apart

[janedoe67]

I read it all the time on forums and on blog posts and articles about infidelity. "You should be mad at your husband, not the other woman. he is the one who broke his vow to you, she owes you nothing."

 

Um..I'm sorry what?

 

Yes. Oh yes, I have every right to be angry at him and I have been, but that does not mean I will excuse her for her part in it, especially in my case.

 

I hear this too: "maybe she didn't even know he was married...poor thing."

 

Um...I'm sorry what?

 

Not in my case. she knew he was married. She knows who I am. She commented on photos of my kid. She messaged me once. She knew who I was and who he was but she didn't care. In her case she wanted to get her husband back for having a child with another woman while OW was married to him. Not only that but he slept with a teenager and got her pregnant too. She went after my husband to make herself feel better. Am I saying my husband is innocent? Hell no. He's a pussy who let this woman use him not once but twice. She'd used him years ago as well to get back at a boyfriend. My husband is an idiot. He knows it. I know it.

 

And I am angry at him and he knows that. I wanted to leave him and he knows that. He asked me to give him a chance and I am doing that.

 

So why does this woman who made no promises to be that she broke owe me anyhing? She owes me something as a fellow woman. Not just as a fellow woman but as a woman who was made to feel as shedid once -- as a non-entity- a non-person. When a woman engages in an affair with a married man and I don't care if that man begged her too, she is disrespecting the wife. She is disrespecting the wife's right to have a say.

 

In my case, this woman was cheated on at least twice by her husband. Yet she had no problem doing the same to me that those women did to her. Now she tells everyone she is the victim and how she can't believe someone as special as her would be treated in such a poor way.

 

Her husband abandoned her (he's a horrible man and for that I actually do feel sorry for her), and now she is left alone to raise their children. Am I happy? No. I don't want her to suffer. I just want her to realize, someday, that she did to me what was done to her. That she's currently doing it again to another wife (yes, she is having another affair with another married man). And I want her to realize she owes me some damn respect and a damn apology -- in a different way than my husband does. It took me a long time to decide that I do deserve respect.

 

*preface to the following statement, I am not saying I am perfect or better than anyone!*

 

I have never been a perfect wife, but I have been one who has been loyal and faithful and dedicated to the promise I made to my husband, even when he wasn't. And even if I wasn't a loyal person, or even if I wasn't "perfect" (no one is, obviously) I did not deserve to be deceived and lied to and trashed.

 

And honestly? Neither did she..no matter how bad she hurt me and others.

 

And honestly, neither did any of you, no matter what you did in your marriage -- you may have deserved to be divorced, but not to be cheated on.

 

This post should be copied in calligraphy, framed in gold, and placed prominently in lots of places

 

Awesome