lovesfool Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I hope I've posted this in the right forum! My ex and I broke up a month and a half ago and I've been trying to get over him. I'm starting to think I miss being with someone more than actually being with him specifically. I'm not really sure though. I had a great time during the relationship, but I've started to think about the negatives. He was far from perfect, but saying that I think I would give him a second chance if he came back (which I do not expect at all). I was thinking I should try to start dating again to see if it really the company I miss, and if it would help me get over the break up. I am just worried that if I do start dating someone, it will end up as a rebound relationship, or that I will start comparing him to my ex. How do you know if it's the right time to start dating again?
True Gent Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 In my opinion it is never too early to start going out on dates, because that's all it is... Dates. Going for a drink and a chat or for a meal with new people of the opposite sex is a good thing. As long as you are clear you are just looking for casual dating to begin with what's the harm? After one or two dates you'll be able to gauge how ready you are for anything more than just basic dating.
Zapbasket Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) I disagree with True Gent. You're just in the beginning of the recovery process--how long was your relationship? Dating always carries with it the implication of a possible romance. Romantic prospects are very intoxicating and if you're in the wrong frame of mind you can make rash decisions that feel good in the short-term but are wrong for you long-term. Take it from someone who got involved in what proved to be a very destructive rebound six years ago and is only now, two relationships later, taking the time for herself to heal and grow. I think I'm only now realizing how deeply true it is that whatever sh*t you have left over from a previous relationship, you WILL carry over into the next one if you don't deal with it directly--through therapy or meditation or a combination of things--and then spend some time alone recalibrating to this new way of being. Also: if you don't spend some time without the temptation of new romance, you might not even fully discover what sh*t you contributed to your prior relationship that contributed to its demise. I so wish I'd known and understood this years ago. It would have saved me a lot of time. Think of this time alone as dating yourself. Are you fun to be with? Are you responsible, caring, clean? Are you true to your values? If you can't be this way with and toward yourself, then you can't bring those good traits into a relationship with someone else. I've come to recognize this: that relationships with others are, first and foremost, relationships with yourself. If you have a strong relationship with YOU, then you have the mental and emotional space to begin to truly SEE and build a real relationship with an OTHER. Otherwise all you're offering your relationship is just a tangled mess of projections. Edited May 9, 2014 by GreenCove 3
True Gent Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Well speaking from my own experience, I started on line dating pretty quickly after my breakup after 9 years together. I wasn't expecting to escalate things with anyone straight away. I just wanted to get out there and mix with women after being with the same person for so long I felt I needed the practice. It's been a good experience for me. I have met some women with man issues and I've met some I'm just not attracted to, but it's all a process. Each date is a new encounter to help gain some experience from. No romance for me as yet, I'm now 6 months post BU and I didnt really expect to meet anyone with potential so soon. I wasn't looking for a rebound just dating. Everyone is different, but I still say there is no harm in going out meeting people.
hermitinator Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 You don't know you are ready to date until you date. It is an experiment as well as an experience of figuring out what you are comfortable with now.
lovehurtsme91 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I was at your position or am. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago so I'm assuming roughly the same time you did after 4 years of relationship for another girl he met less than 24 hours and started dating her the day right after he broke up. After a couple of weeks crying like an idiot, I thought maybe going out on a date would speed the process. Unfortunately, it didn't. I was thinking about my ex the WHOLE time. Even during the movies! Which sucks cos I freaking love X-Men. I agree with GreenCove, take it from me, when you're completely healed... then date. Don't date before you do. You don't want to carry the baggage you had in your previously relationship to your next - it would not be fair to the guy you are dating with. And if you're not fully recovered and going out on dates just cos you wanna speed the process, I suppose you can call that a rebound. Heal first. At least to a minimum of 90%, when you think of him and you don't cry, when you don't think about him and get hurt etc and you can actually think with a clear mind.. Then maybe you can start dating. But as soon as you start comparing your date with your ex, that's prolly a sign you're not ready yet. Take your time The focus is on YOU now. You need the healing. Don't care about your ex nor your future bfs. Heal first. For once, pamper yourself and treat yourself and love yourself cos you can only love others when you start loving yourself
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