learning_slowly Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Alot of us are on here looking for a way to stop the pain from the end of a relationship. However, as the cause of our pain is the loss of our relationship, we try to keep in contact with our ex, so that in some way the relationship still exists. Note: I said the cause of our pain is the loss of our relationship and not the loss of the person. Look at the person in the relationship with you. Were they really that spectacular? In this massively populated world, the probability alone dictates there must be alot of people out there which share the characteristics you fell for. Anyway, we try to keep in contact, hoping to keep something alive that is already dead. The hard bit is seeing that it is dead. We make up all kinds of lies to ourselves to explain how it could still possibly be alive. Which gives us hope, which lets us dwell in the painful situation. The shift is when we accept the relationship is dead. I think this involves saying goodbye, not necessarily to the person. For me it is me recognising it in my head and saying goodbye. Yes, I'll miss her, but I have to move on and have a life, and so does she. I'm sure there'll be setbacks, but I feel hopefully now it will be easier to move on. What do others think? Were there specific things you did that made a difference to moving on? 3
SadNLonley Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Note: I said the cause of our pain is the loss of our relationship and not the loss of the person. I love that you said that. Im still coping with the difference. As for moving on, I still struggle with it, but I can tell you why I think I haven't moved on yet, and that is the memories keep entering my mind. If I could just stop the, I'd be so much better. I cant wait to hear how everyone else did it.
tlegend Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 To be honest, I think everyone will be different. In past relationships, eventually time just healed the wounds. This time around, I've accepted that some of my own failures have contributed to the breakup. I have a long road ahead of me, but I already see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I refuse to walk away from it, but rather RUN toward it. 4
Author learning_slowly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Whenever I would think about the relationship, I would think about something I enjoyed and force a smile. This helped me stop thinking about things alot.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 The problem with relationships is that when we're eyeball deep in one, we often dwell on all the negative things about it. Then when that relationship is over, we spend our time looking back at it and suddenly we can only remember all the good things about it. My process for healing for ME included plenty of therapy, my best girlfriends and my parents but also making a concerted effort NOT to put myself in harm's way of things that would set me back and that included stalking my ex's Facebook profile or anything else that showed him "moving on" without me. Distancing yourself, at least initially, definitely helps. In fact, I think it's very important in order to gain some clear perspective on your relationship and yourself. Taking responsibility for the part YOU played in the breakdown, is also HUGE and helps you make peace with the past while giving you an opportunity to become a better you for your next relationship. It does get better with time BUT only if you DO the work to MOVE FORWARD otherwise you'll be spinning your wheels in the same place indefinitely. And that's not good for anyone. 5
FredJones80 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 The problem with relationships is that when we're eyeball deep in one, we often dwell on all the negative things about it. Then when that relationship is over, we spend our time looking back at it and suddenly we can only remember all the good things about it. Excellent 1
Always Pondering Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Joining LS has probably been the greatest thing for me as I have learned quite a bit of things on here. Specifically I haven't really done anything though that made a huge difference in moving on. I broke NC around the time I discovered my ex was already in another relationship and although that hurt me very badly at the time, I guess in a way I should be "fortunate" that it happened very early and pushed me closer to the realization that she's gone. I got done with the fantasy of becoming her partner again but I will admit I still have this funny idea that later down the road we'll become friends again. I think that's only because I never had a best friend that close so I feel once I become close to someone else like that, then the fantasy should go away. That day will surely come, it's all a matter of time. 3
SadNLonley Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 [quote name= I got done with the fantasy of becoming her partner again .[/quote] That is exactly why i didnt move on from Nov to just a couple weeks ago. I just knew we would get back together and had all these nice fantasies in my head of our rekindled romance. Then I found out he recently started dating and told me that he was no longer in love with me. It was that point that I realized how i was so stuck in a rut. I have no choice now but get rid of the dreamy memories and move on without him. 2
tlegend Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 That is exactly why i didnt move on from Nov to just a couple weeks ago. I just knew we would get back together and had all these nice fantasies in my head of our rekindled romance. Then I found out he recently started dating and told me that he was no longer in love with me. It was that point that I realized how i was so stuck in a rut. I have no choice now but get rid of the dreamy memories and move on without him. I recently told my ex the same thing. It doesn't matter how untrue it is....It was to help her let me go as much as I needed to let her go. It is what it is =/
SadNLonley Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I recently told my ex the same thing. It doesn't matter how untrue it is....It was to help her let me go as much as I needed to let her go. It is what it is =/ You're not my ex are you??????/ lol 1
No Limit Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Look at the person in the relationship with you. Were they really that spectacular? I know many people who are currently in the romantic stage of their relationship with their "one and only" would love to punch me for this, but... Everyone is replaceable, expendable. Might take some effort to find a new shiny guy/chick to fit into life but it's never impossible. Don't abuse this thinking as "I can get whoever I want so I'll ditch everyone I don't like every single time we're together". But after a breakup, I think this way of thinking is somewhat helpful. Shows that there's a light in the dark. 3
BC1980 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Note: I said the cause of our pain is the loss of our relationship and not the loss of the person. Well, this is definitely variable. I certainly missed the actual person. 4
STM206 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Well, this is definitely variable. I certainly missed the actual person. Same for me. Of course I miss the relationship but I miss HIM. 1
tlegend Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 You're not my ex are you??????/ lol That would be very....hilarious....if you ask me!
FredJones80 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Well, this is definitely variable. I certainly missed the actual person. Agreed. People seem to rationalise everyone's breakup by saying "you broke up so XYZ must of been wrong, look back and see all the bad things" ... sure, every relationship has bad areas, bad moments, just because you broke up it doesn't mean these are the cause. Even people who stay together lifelong have bumpy parts in the road or negative areas. 9 times out of 10 the dumpee is still very much in love with the dumper, how could you not miss the person? In fact I think I probably miss my ex for the person she was more than the relationship. Sure she had her negatives, but that is part of love, accepting that person completely, warts and all. I miss the connection of the relationship but I damn well miss her more for the person she is. 2
Author learning_slowly Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Agreed. People seem to rationalise everyone's breakup by saying "you broke up so XYZ must of been wrong, look back and see all the bad things" ... sure, every relationship has bad areas, bad moments, just because you broke up it doesn't mean these are the cause. Even people who stay together lifelong have bumpy parts in the road or negative areas. 9 times out of 10 the dumpee is still very much in love with the dumper, how could you not miss the person? In fact I think I probably miss my ex for the person she was more than the relationship. Sure she had her negatives, but that is part of love, accepting that person completely, warts and all. I miss the connection of the relationship but I damn well miss her more for the person she is. But do you really? You miss a person with certain characteristics that provided you with certain things. Do you think nobody else could do that? And better, because they would not see your faults as incompatible with them? That is with the assumption, you were a decent person and tried at the relationship. Maybe its easier for me as I know I didn't try.
BC1980 Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 But do you really? You miss a person with certain characteristics that provided you with certain things. Do you think nobody else could do that? And better, because they would not see your faults as incompatible with them? That is with the assumption, you were a decent person and tried at the relationship. Maybe its easier for me as I know I didn't try. I certainly think another person could provide me with a loving relationship, but I do miss my ex as a person. Yes, he did some cruel things, but he was very loving most of the time. At times, it seemed so easy, and I felt so lucky. I can't deny those times because it isn't honest. If anything, being honest made it harder to let go because we had some wonderful times. I miss him and the relationship. You can miss both.
Itspointless Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 But do you really? You miss a person with certain characteristics that provided you with certain things. Do you think nobody else could do that? Why would the assumption that your ex belongs to a category make them less unique? Just because I have new sneakers today that I really like, that does not mean that I sometimes still want the ones I had 10 years ago (not a joke actually). Even as experiences can be equalled or topped with others, they will never be that same person, have the composition that made that particular person who she was. 1
Author learning_slowly Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Why would the assumption that your ex belongs to a category make them less unique? Just because I have new sneakers today that I really like, that does not mean that I sometimes still want the ones I had 10 years ago (not a joke actually). Even as experiences can be equalled or topped with others, they will never be that same person, have the composition that made that particular person who she was. They won't be exactly the same. If they were then it would be a bad thing. You are looking for reasons why your ex was so special. I think you're fooling yourself that there is no one as good or better out there. Are you really missing her/him? What did they do particularly that nobody else could do, even with a different composition? You appear to have put them on a pedestal, which we all seem do do when we are dumped. But you need to realise they are only human and have as many faults as the rest of us. Using your analogy: a pair of old trainers only has memories of what you did in them. You can get new trainers that will fit better (maybe reebok pumps) and allow you to perform better.
Itspointless Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 They won't be exactly the same. If they were then it would be a bad thing. You are looking for reasons why your ex was so special. I think you're fooling yourself that there is no one as good or better out there. Are you really missing her/him? What did they do particularly that nobody else could do, even with a different composition? You appear to have put them on a pedestal, which we all seem do do when we are dumped. But you need to realise they are only human and have as many faults as the rest of us. Using your analogy: a pair of old trainers only has memories of what you did in them. You can get new trainers that will fit better (maybe reebok pumps) and allow you to perform better. I made a philosophical analogy following your philosophical question. The one thing with my comparison that bothered me personally was the fact that I compared a human with an object. But in line with your argument - when speaking about categories, or more of the same - we were already objectifying. When I think about exes I mostly think of the moments shared. Those moments can never be done again as the settings will be different and we in a way will be other people ourselves. Often what makes people perfect for me are their little quirks, the things that do not make them perfect. For me personally all human being are all totally unique, apart from the fact that I perhaps (or probably) can find better for me.
FredJones80 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 For me personally all human being are all totally unique, apart from the fact that I perhaps (or probably) can find better for me. I think this is the point, everyone is unique, you can miss the person. learning_slowly perhaps you didn't like the person in the first place.. after all, didn't you cheat on them? surely that shows what you felt about them. I'm not saying there isn't someone better or who would be better suited, I'm not saying there isn't someone who could make me feel better or have improved memories. What I am saying is that person in particular, I miss. Its the same with friends, you can have 5 friends, you lose one, you don't just replace that one and never miss the original. People are people and people are unique. Some may share characteristics but no two people are the same. I think it depends on how you look at it, you seem to see people as replaceable or expendable. They are to an extent but if that is your train of thought then you are probably always looking for someone better, something improved. I'm sure I've read a previous post where you said you cheated... cheaters mindset, cheaters lifestyle? 1
Author learning_slowly Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 When I think about exes I mostly think of the moments shared. Those moments can never be done again as the settings will be different and we in a way will be other people ourselves. But we would only reminisce with that person. You can still reminisce alone. If we holidayed every year to the same place with the same person, is that beneficial to our lives rather than exploring new destinations with a partner? Or even the same destination witha new partner could unlock different aspects to your eyes? Often what makes people perfect for me are their little quirks, the things that do not make them perfect. For me personally all human being are all totally unique, apart from the fact that I perhaps (or probably) can find better for me. You're saying perfection for you is a collection of the good and the bad, which it has to be as we are all imperfect, and a robot would not be a benefit as a partner. But the bad has outweighed the good in your ex, otherwise you would still be a partnership. But the reason, I said I think we miss the relationship rather than the person is, if you had never seen your partner before and they walked past you in the street, you would not pay them any heed. If you walked past a stranger, you would also not pay them any heed. In contrast, if you had a relationship with either and your chemistry caused you to fall in love, then these 2 people's actions would affect you. They could have different compositions with different plusses and minuses, but you would miss either after a relationship. Therefore in theory the person could be substituted and the thing you are missing is the relationship. An example would be when people who are recently broken up see couples everywhere and see themselves as a single lacking.
Author learning_slowly Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 I'm sure I've read a previous post where you said you cheated... cheaters mindset, cheaters lifestyle? I haven't got time to answer your reply now, but I had to answer this point as it contradicts your point. Your point above says cheaters are all alike, yet "everyone is unique"!
FredJones80 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I haven't got time to answer your reply now, but I had to answer this point as it contradicts your point. Your point above says cheaters are all alike, yet "everyone is unique"! Everyone is unique, the act of cheating is the same. You're arguing for arguing's sake. I give up on this. 2
Itspointless Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 You can still reminisce alone. [...] Or even the same destination witha new partner could unlock different aspects to your eyes? Memories are always quite strong with me. That does not mean that we have to recreate the past, recreating makes kitsch. I do like to see a relation as a story that people tell together. Now I have to tell that story on my own. As for new and different aspects sure. But the bad has outweighed the good in your ex, otherwise you would still be a partnership. Not exactly. I did not have any say in what happened. She got ill again and distanced herself from me. When I saw her again she had suppressed everything about us. She even admitted she probably did this. We only have been a few months in ldr. I have learned to see that she had an avoidant-dismissive attachment, missed most of the signs as signs as I was unfamiliar with it. But the reason, I said I think we miss the relationship rather than the person is, if you had never seen your partner before and they walked past you in the street, you would not pay them any heed. I do not believe in the one. But I do know that neurology and psychology show how intermingled people their brains can get. Relations are much more than chemistry alone, even as that often is the starting-point. In contrast, if you had a relationship with either and your chemistry caused you to fall in love, then these 2 people's actions would affect you. They could have different compositions with different plusses and minuses, but you would miss either after a relationship. Therefore in theory the person could be substituted and the thing you are missing is the relationship. For having 'a relation' a person can be substituted. But a relation can not substitute a person for the simple fact that a relation needs two people, and their inter-action as the way they relate.
Recommended Posts