Gem1102 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I was in a long term relationship with my ex for 8 years. We were happy, not perfect but everyone always said they could see how happy and in love we were. After 8 years people are gonna start asking where the ring is and he would always say it will happen soon. A couple of months before we broke up her started going out more and more with his work friends. A mix of both men and woman. This started causing a bit of tension cos I wanted to spend time with him too after a long week at work. I don't know why but this girl ( she's 23 and he is 34) seemed to give me cause for worry. He would get texts from her quite a lot, so one day I looked ( and yes I know I shouldn't of but I wanted to put my mind at ease) and they were all deleted. I confronted him and he said he knew I wouldn't like her texting so got rid of them and they were only about work anyway. Anyway, I found the proof I needed cos the idiot backed up the messages on our computer. She said she had feelings for him and cared about him and that wasn't going to change. He asked her if she still wanted to f**k the s**t out of him and she said yeah. My heart broke. He said it was just banter but that he wanted a break so I moved out and didn't contact him. 1 week later he calls and says he wants a clean break to be on his own and that he can't give me what I deserve. My question is did I push him to her by having a problem with him spending so much time with he's work friends? Whenever I asked him he said there is no one else and he wants to be on his own. Why throw 8 years away for some girl who you work with? He admits himself he is hard to be with and I'm the only person to have ever loved him for him so why risk it on a girl who's never had a boyfriend and only sees the good side of you? I don't get it! We have nc now since we broke up a month ago. I know I shouldn't keep going over it but my best friend is married to his brother and we are due to see each other next month and I would rather post my questions here then give him the satisfaction of breaking down when I see him.
FredJones80 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) No I don't think you pushed him to it. Him going out more was probably him starting to lose interest in your relationship and / or chasing this other girl. Unfortunately peoples heads get turned and they forget what they have because they are use to it, it becomes routine so the seek excitement elsewhere. I feel really sorry for you, but it is no reflection of yourself. Probably impressed that a young-ish girl would be interested in him. Either way, that's some age gap, they'll be at different stages of life so it probably won't last long. I think when people are in long relationships from their mid 20's they start to wonder what they've missed out on (see GIGS) .. the problem is he has probably given up on something good that he won't replace. Doesn't make it any easier on you but if this is how he acts, you're probably better off without him regardless of how long you've been together. Imagine this happening in 2 years time after you've got that ring. Edited May 9, 2014 by FredJones80 2
No Limit Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 No, he's simply started growing interested in someone else and left. I know many people can't imagine it but some people are able to do that no matter how much time has passed. I also dare say he's cheated. Move on. Strict NC. 1
Zahara Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 You didn't push him to her. He was losing interest in the relationship. I have to say that he may have been cheating on you.
Strength in Healing Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 It has little to do with you. There are cheaters, and there are honest people. He was a cheater. You couldn't have done anything to make him otherwise. 3
flyingfree_hope Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 i experienced something similar too...mine was 7 years and he left for her too... haha. same as you, i also questioned how can he simply threw away the 7 years that we have built together but go for a new girl....mine cheated on me and ended up going to a point of no return which he chose the new girl. so i bet yours may have done something behind you. the underlying problem is his not yours. you did not push him away. he was just interested to the girl, he wants the thrill & excitement ....getting bored etc. i understand its hard not to blame yourself, but afterall, if he want to work on this relationship, he could have talk to you about the issues, not to fall for another girl instead. 1
FredJones80 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 if he want to work on this relationship, he could have talk to you about the issues, not to fall for another girl instead. Well said!
Author Gem1102 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I now know this was probably on the cards from his point of view for a while. It's just I spoke to this girl. I told her how much I loved him and couldn't wait to marry him and she could still do that. Do some people just not care? It could be argued that maybe them to are meant to be together and it will work out but they still took that risk. I feel lost cos I loved him and saw our future together. Everyone, including his family think he's being an idiot apart from the one person who it matters from... Him. Maybe it wasn't my fault but I just keep thinking that people don't just cheat or think about cheating without a good reason. I did everything for him, made his lunch, housework, iron, 2 jobs as we were saving for a house and it still wasn't enough. When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again?
Toddbt12y1 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 It takes time and effort. A willingness to move on (for yourself), that allows for you to trust in someone again. Sadly, no one ever needed a reason to do something bad, like cheating. Even if there was one, he would be in the wrong for it. You did not push him away, as others have said. He lost interest and cheated. Despite those years. He clearly is not the person you need in your life. It will hurt for a good while, but eventually, you will be able to pick yourself up and start again: maybe even go all the way. I am sorry this has happened to you.
maturityassets Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I now know this was probably on the cards from his point of view for a while. It's just I spoke to this girl. I told her how much I loved him and couldn't wait to marry him and she could still do that. Do some people just not care? It could be argued that maybe them to are meant to be together and it will work out but they still took that risk. I feel lost cos I loved him and saw our future together. Everyone, including his family think he's being an idiot apart from the one person who it matters from... Him. Maybe it wasn't my fault but I just keep thinking that people don't just cheat or think about cheating without a good reason. I did everything for him, made his lunch, housework, iron, 2 jobs as we were saving for a house and it still wasn't enough. When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again? I'm sorry to say but people outside your relationships are not going to view your partner as off limits. In fact people in relationships are very tempting for single people because it's like the forbidden fruit idea. But it's not about her, it was always about you and him. And he didn't choose her over you, he chose himself over you. As others said a serious relationship in your 20's causes you to question what you missed out on. So when he started seeing that 23 year old, it just tempted him to go for what he feels he missed out. The truth of the matter though is he will never replace you. He's going to look back and say "I spent 8 years of my life with that person..." and he might think he threw it all the way or that he was an ******* for doing it to a girl who didn't deserve that heartbreak. People usually want to feel young and powerful. Especially men. We want to see if we "still got it"? Do other people find us attractive? What's it like to have something new? And the only thing that can save us from temptation is reminding ourselves that how much how partner understands us and that hardly any other person will understand us like they do. I wish you the best of luck! 1
Strength in Healing Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again? It's likely that you gave too much. There was no challenge, mystery, excitement. Welcome to our backwards society. It's sad, really. 1
KaliLove Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Good heavens no! You were suspicious (and clearly with good reason) and you checked up on it. He was already cheating on you. He already had one foot out the door. This was going to happen anyway..it wasn't your fault. You dodged a bullet love..this is a good thing.
stillafool Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 My question is did I push him to her by having a problem with him spending so much time with he's work friends? Heck no, him looking at her 23 year old ass and her promising to f--k his brains out is what caused him to leave. Trust us, he was already cheating with her before he left.
FredJones80 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Maybe it wasn't my fault but I just keep thinking that people don't just cheat or think about cheating without a good reason. I did everything for him, made his lunch, housework, iron, 2 jobs as we were saving for a house and it still wasn't enough. When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again? I understand you Gem1102, I've just lost a 10 yr relationship, not necessarily due to cheating or going to someone else but there is a good possibility, I just don't know, nor need to know. This will be tough - I know, I'm going through it, but don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong, he gave up on your relationship, not you, he chucked all your good work, history and things you've been working towards away, not you. Well, I hope he is happy with himself. Hopefully he'll look back one day and regret what he opted to leave.
flyingfree_hope Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I did everything for him, made his lunch, housework, iron, 2 jobs as we were saving for a house and it still wasn't enough. When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again? hmm the lesson I learnt from mine and yours is that we have to love ourselves more and not to give in that much for him. it's not that they aren't appreciative of us, maybe they did. but we made it too easy for them to get what they want. and maybe thats why they wanna explore the others - cause those girls out there don't give everything to him.
Elle1975 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) I was in a long term relationship with my ex for 8 years. We were happy, not perfect but everyone always said they could see how happy and in love we were. After 8 years people are gonna start asking where the ring is and he would always say it will happen soon. A couple of months before we broke up her started going out more and more with his work friends. A mix of both men and woman. This started causing a bit of tension cos I wanted to spend time with him too after a long week at work. I don't know why but this girl ( she's 23 and he is 34) seemed to give me cause for worry. He would get texts from her quite a lot, so one day I looked ( and yes I know I shouldn't of but I wanted to put my mind at ease) and they were all deleted. I confronted him and he said he knew I wouldn't like her texting so got rid of them and they were only about work anyway. Anyway, I found the proof I needed cos the idiot backed up the messages on our computer. She said she had feelings for him and cared about him and that wasn't going to change. He asked her if she still wanted to f**k the s**t out of him and she said yeah. My heart broke. He said it was just banter but that he wanted a break so I moved out and didn't contact him. 1 week later he calls and says he wants a clean break to be on his own and that he can't give me what I deserve. My question is did I push him to her by having a problem with him spending so much time with he's work friends? Whenever I asked him he said there is no one else and he wants to be on his own. Why throw 8 years away for some girl who you work with? He admits himself he is hard to be with and I'm the only person to have ever loved him for him so why risk it on a girl who's never had a boyfriend and only sees the good side of you? I don't get it! We have nc now since we broke up a month ago. I know I shouldn't keep going over it but my best friend is married to his brother and we are due to see each other next month and I would rather post my questions here then give him the satisfaction of breaking down when I see him. Absolutely not. He cheated, plain and simple. Cheating can be emotional or physical. He clearly gave this girl what he was supposed to give only to you, his partner. He's a jerk. I hate those guys. Sorry to be saying that. I know you love him, and I'm sorry this happened to you. Edited May 9, 2014 by Elle1975 1
7yearsbroken Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I now know this was probably on the cards from his point of view for a while. It's just I spoke to this girl. I told her how much I loved him and couldn't wait to marry him and she could still do that. Do some people just not care? It could be argued that maybe them to are meant to be together and it will work out but they still took that risk. I feel lost cos I loved him and saw our future together. Everyone, including his family think he's being an idiot apart from the one person who it matters from... Him. Maybe it wasn't my fault but I just keep thinking that people don't just cheat or think about cheating without a good reason. I did everything for him, made his lunch, housework, iron, 2 jobs as we were saving for a house and it still wasn't enough. When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again? I'm sad to read your story my ex girlfriend of 7 years left me to experience the grass on the other side. It breaks my heart to see a nice loyal girl like you deal with this. The other girl does not care, nor did this guy who wanted my ex. They want whatever they want and they do not care about your existence. You are actually what validates Their worth, because they where able to get the girl/boyfriend to leave the long term relationship. As much as it hurts, we must take the loss, and move on. I would die to meet a loyal girl like you. Sadly I don't believe in love anymore but one day I might. Never believe you drove him away. Let the rats scurry in the dark. Never run back to the thing that hurt you. I'm learning that myself, slowly. Good luck, you are not alone sweetie.
Elle1975 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Thanks for the advice. I now know this was probably on the cards from his point of view for a while. It's just I spoke to this girl. I told her how much I loved him and couldn't wait to marry him and she could still do that. Do some people just not care? It could be argued that maybe them to are meant to be together and it will work out but they still took that risk. I feel lost cos I loved him and saw our future together. Everyone, including his family think he's being an idiot apart from the one person who it matters from... Him. Maybe it wasn't my fault but I just keep thinking that people don't just cheat or think about cheating without a good reason. I did everything for him, made his lunch, housework, iron, 2 jobs as we were saving for a house and it still wasn't enough. When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again? Well, it's a lesson learned then. Don't be somebody's maid, and don't give everything of yourself either. You gave him "everything" and I suspect he didn't have to work for it, and probably didn't appreciate it. After a while he probably saw you as a second mom. You seem to be putting the entire responsibility of the relationship on your shoulders, as well as the responsibility for the break up. While there are things we can all work on, probably for you this "maid" behavior that you have, it takes two to make a couple. So you may, or may not, have something to do with the break up, but he obviously does too. And that doesn't justify the cheating, his sneaking behind your back, the lies, etc..
Itspointless Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Maybe it wasn't my fault but I just keep thinking that people don't just cheat or think about cheating without a good reason. I did everything for him, made his lunch, housework, iron, 2 jobs as we were saving for a house and it still wasn't enough. When you give everything of yourself to someone and they can do this, how can you trust someone again? Wow, you really spoiled him! Some people think that excitement makes their life's better, Do not get me wrong, we all need a bit of excitement, but excitement alone does not fulfil anyone. I am sure he will miss you at some point, at least for all the things you did. To be honest a real man would not let you do all those things alone. 1
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