Those that divorced

[purplesorrow]

Did your WS spouse fight the divorce. In a sense of just not wanting to? He said he is so hurt that I said I didn't want him. This just blows my mind because I feel like he showed me he didn't want me. If I cheated I would completely expect to get divorce papers. He still seems utterly baffled that I don't want to reconcile. Our divorce is so simple lawyers aren't needed, mediator handling. He feels like all of this drama made him realize how important I was to him.

I find this mindset so weird. I feel like our marriage ended when he acted on his first improper thought, not when he got caught. He says having the affair is the worst thing he has ever done. He is shameful that he whored himself out for cheap validation with someone who's name he won't even utter. Why oh why did he throw us away. I knew our value and protected it. For those that left, did you deal with this?

[carhill]

My exW and I still get on fine, now about 4 years post-D. I think the key aspect was that we went through MC while I was in my EA and that process helped us divorce amicably and continue without rancor whenever we interacted socially, which has been only occasionally. Once I lost my fear of divorce and had my plan of action worked out for my priority at the time of EOL care, things went smoothly. Had EOL care not been on my plate, I would have divorced her prior to having an EA. IMO, things worked out fine. My fAP and her BF appear to be doing well, exW and her guy have been living together for about five years now and I'll soon be exiting this demographic and will be happy to go. It would be difficult to conjure up any authentic negative feelings about that period of life at this point. YMMV!

[Fluttershy]

Purple, take yourself out of your emotions for a moment. Because this isn't a hard one to figure out. Your stbxH never wanted to divorce. He thought he wouldn't get caught and he probably thought if he dis he could

Minimize the truth and you would forgive him. Most cheaters don't grasp the enormity of their actions and think "what she doesn't know...". Keep those emotions and buts out for a just a moment longer. Actions and words said to the OW can be just that words. Even if they are felt in the moment A lot of the time they are just said to keep te OW an OW. When DDay hits and the WS sees the full destruction their careless and selfish actions caused they go in to damage control. Or the really truly feel regret and remorse. Thing is both of these look the same for a while.

 

But things did not work out for you H. You do not want to reconcile and he lost because of his thoughtless actions. He probably never thought it was a reality. He doesn't want to lose you and I doubt he wants to see his xOw who will be a reminder of how much he F'd up.

 

 

I don't remember your story but by his current actions I would say his A was cake eating through and through. The fact he isn't taking you to court or other such tatics is because he knows he deserves this. That is a huge thing for a wayward. Some crap all over the marriage and then te divorce.

 

Be thankful he os sorry and regrets it. If you have to co parent it will make the relationship so much easier. You are doin what you feel is best for you and that is all any of us can do. If you change your mind down the road, your allowed to so that too. And if you meet a wonderful new man with no tainted past with you let yourself enjoy.

 

I would caution you against thinking, even subconsiosly, that D is the only thing you need to do to feel better. Divorced people have baggage too and it is no maguc cure for healing. It is just often a step in the right descision a Bs has to make. Are you in iC?

[No Limit]

Emotional blackmailing in a few more attempts to do damage control. He cheated, so he's in no position to make demands. And concerning one of your older threads your parents in law have even less to say in all this. Just ignore it, he's chosen his path. Too bad he picked a dusty road.

[Goodbye]

Did your WS spouse fight the divorce. In a sense of just not wanting to? He said he is so hurt that I said I didn't want him. This just blows my mind because I feel like he showed me he didn't want me. If I cheated I would completely expect to get divorce papers. He still seems utterly baffled that I don't want to reconcile. Our divorce is so simple lawyers aren't needed, mediator handling. He feels like all of this drama made him realize how important I was to him.

I find this mindset so weird. I feel like our marriage ended when he acted on his first improper thought, not when he got caught. He says having the affair is the worst thing he has ever done. He is shameful that he whored himself out for cheap validation with someone who's name he won't even utter. Why oh why did he throw us away. I knew our value and protected it. For those that left, did you deal with this?

 

 

 

The mess that followed his affair probably did serve as a reminder of how good he'd had it. He probably did this impulsively and is filled with regret. However, I'd probably feel the same way as you...that the marriage ended when he decided he could cheat, not when he got caught.

 

Are you feeling guilty about your resolve to divorce? You probably don't want to hear this from an OW, but I for one give you a "high five" for your swift and unrelenting position. You aren't compromising yourself.

[purplesorrow]

Thank you all. I try to take my emotion out bit it feels impossible! I have someone who messed up but has put in an effort to change and make amends. If it were one of my friends, I would encourage a second chance because of this. Fear, hurt and questioning my own self respect keep me from doing so. I honestly do think he would be a great partner now. So I guess I do feel some guilt? I don't think divorce will in any way make me feel better. I do think it will give me peace of mind. I also think this is the consequence that he needs to face. I guess if we are really meant to be in the future, a divorce won't keep us apart. For my life, for now I crave peace. Thank you all again.

[Goodbye]

Perhaps you'd feel less guilty about the divorce if you didn't look at it as his "punishment," but rather setting both of you free after the trust has been damaged beyond repair. It is great that you've both had a lot of self discovery, and this will make you better co-parents. I wonder if it was his two one night stands before the lengthy affair which are actually holding you back? The fact that there was an established pattern of deceit and infidelity before the lengthy affair...it seems you've spent a lot of time processing the affair but not the "one nighters." Maybe he is the type who is safer to be friends/co-parents with than committed to in a traditional marriage? Whatever you decide, it is difficult. You will find peace and closure down the road...it just seems unattainable when you are in the thick of it.

[purplesorrow]

Perhaps you'd feel less guilty about the divorce if you didn't look at it as his "punishment," but rather setting both of you free after the trust has been damaged beyond repair. It is great that you've both had a lot of self discovery, and this will make you better co-parents. I wonder if it was his two one night stands before the lengthy affair which are actually holding you back? The fact that there was an established pattern of deceit and infidelity before the lengthy affair...it seems you've spent a lot of time processing the affair but not the "one nighters." Maybe he is the type who is safer to be friends/co-parents with than committed to in a traditional marriage? Whatever you decide, it is difficult. You will find peace and closure down the road...it just seems unattainable when you are in the thick of it.

 

Actually the one night stand info is what made me realize he was serious about change and now honesty. I never suspected and never would have known had he not confessed. We spent a lot of time processing those too. He lived in secrecy so that was huge for him. I do think he is a safe partner for someone now because he's reached a place where he doesn't want to betray himself in such a way again. He likes who he sees in the mirror now and respects himself. I think anyone that doesn't constantly work on themselves can fall into anything. I wish him well.

[ChooseTruth]

She didn't really fight the divorce, but she didn't want it either. She recognized what she did was wrong and I'm sure she sees it as one of the biggest "mistakes" of her life.

 

The problem is she wasn't doing what it took to reconcile and there was no way I could trust her again.

[peaksandvalleys]

Did your WS spouse fight the divorce. In a sense of just not wanting to? He said he is so hurt that I said I didn't want him. This just blows my mind because I feel like he showed me he didn't want me. If I cheated I would completely expect to get divorce papers. He still seems utterly baffled that I don't want to reconcile. Our divorce is so simple lawyers aren't needed, mediator handling. He feels like all of this drama made him realize how important I was to him.

I find this mindset so weird. I feel like our marriage ended when he acted on his first improper thought, not when he got caught. He says having the affair is the worst thing he has ever done. He is shameful that he whored himself out for cheap validation with someone who's name he won't even utter. Why oh why did he throw us away. I knew our value and protected it. For those that left, did you deal with this?

 

 

 

Yes he did try to fight in the beginning. He insisted that he was going to get his family back. My ex didn't feel the need to value us or our family so he needs make one for himself.

[No Limit]

Yes he did try to fight in the beginning. He insisted that he was going to get his family back. My ex didn't feel the need to value us or our family so he needs make one for himself.

 

Purple, I'd advise you to read her story/threads. From the very few complete ones we have about people picking divorce hers is probably the best.

[TheBladeRunner]

She didn't really fight the divorce, but she didn't want it either. She recognized what she did was wrong and I'm sure she sees it as one of the biggest "mistakes" of her life.

 

The problem is she wasn't doing what it took to reconcile and there was no way I could trust her again.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

Yeah, this! My WXW did the same thing, came to me numerous times saying she "wanted to fiox this" and "keep her family". She showed no remorse and blamed the whole thing on me. She has not and probably never will take any responsibility; she has said that it was the biggest mistake of her life but who knows how sincere she really is.

 

She made a comment to the effect that we could try again in a few years......I don't think that will happen, not if my life depended on it.

 

And just like you say ChooseTruth..........I could never trust her again, that's on me and I own that.

Edited May 10, 2014 by TheBladeRunner
Forgot something

[italianjob]

A lot of people go into R taking into consideration only the WS behaviour and willingness to make amends. I think that, while those elements should be there, the WH should also think about his/her feelings about the relationship and his/her perception of his/her ability to really get over what happened.

the WH should feel that with hard work by both spouses and time to heal the relationship can realistically reach a point where he/she can sincerely feel safe again, and actually trust and respect again the WS.

Without this, no amount of remorse or willingness to work on the relationship can do the trick IMHO.

[road]

Actually the one night stand info is what made me realize he was serious about change and now honesty. I never suspected and never would have known had he not confessed. We spent a lot of time processing those too. He lived in secrecy so that was huge for him. I do think he is a safe partner for someone now because he's reached a place where he doesn't want to betray himself in such a way again. He likes who he sees in the mirror now and respects himself. I think anyone that doesn't constantly work on themselves can fall into anything. I wish him well.

 

 

 

You do not have to get divorced. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley before you go through with the divorce.

[Hope Shimmers]

Purple, I have read some of your story and I am sorry for the pain they put you through.

 

I'm not going to pretend to understand what you are going through... but from what you have posted, I hope that you can find a way to forgive him and not divorce. I think it would be a mistake if you did. I think he knows how much he messed up. I think (just from the posts) that he is probably asking himself the same question "Why oh why did he throw us away?"

 

If you believe he is sincere and you think that there might be a way you can forgive him, I hope so much that you can find a way so that it doesn't destroy both of you and your family.

[purplesorrow]

Purple, I have read some of your story and I am sorry for the pain they put you through.

 

I'm not going to pretend to understand what you are going through... but from what you have posted, I hope that you can find a way to forgive him and not divorce. I think it would be a mistake if you did. I think he knows how much he messed up. I think (just from the posts) that he is probably asking himself the same question "Why oh why did he throw us away?"

 

If you believe he is sincere and you think that there might be a way you can forgive him, I hope so much that you can find a way so that it doesn't destroy both of you and your family.

Thank you Hope. I do believe he is sincere. The problem really isn't him at this point. It is me. I am working on forgiveness for him. I don't have any ill will toward either of them, when I talked to her the second time, I wished her well and encouraged her to want more for herself. I want to be sure I won't hold this against him and not love him freely. No one wants to be in an eggshell relationship. He deserves to be loved fully as we all do. Until I know for certain I can do that, I don't want to stall his life. He needs to be freed to live and enjoy life. This is so gut wrenching, you just want to breath. You long for moments that when you close your eyes, this isn't what you think of. I dream of the day when it's not the last thing I think about when I lie down and not the first when I wake up. It has destroyed the very essence of 'us'. What used to be habit, now seems forced and uncomfortable. I don't know what the future holds, I can dream that it is my family intact, healthy, loving and happy one day. I have no idea if that will ever be again.

What is your story Hope? Your post are so sad sometimes. Your pain seems to be just as raw. What do you dream of?

[Hope Shimmers]

Thank you Hope. I do believe he is sincere. The problem really isn't him at this point. It is me. I am working on forgiveness for him. I don't have any ill will toward either of them, when I talked to her the second time, I wished her well and encouraged her to want more for herself. I want to be sure I won't hold this against him and not love him freely. No one wants to be in an eggshell relationship. He deserves to be loved fully as we all do. Until I know for certain I can do that, I don't want to stall his life. He needs to be freed to live and enjoy life. This is so gut wrenching, you just want to breath. You long for moments that when you close your eyes, this isn't what you think of. I dream of the day when it's not the last thing I think about when I lie down and not the first when I wake up. It has destroyed the very essence of 'us'. What used to be habit, now seems forced and uncomfortable. I don't know what the future holds, I can dream that it is my family intact, healthy, loving and happy one day. I have no idea if that will ever be again.

What is your story Hope? Your post are so sad sometimes. Your pain seems to be just as raw. What do you dream of?

 

purplesorrow, I read your post this morning and it brought me to tears. I have been thinking about it all day.

 

Everyone who is about to make the decision to enter into an affair should read your post. It would certainly change the minds of people who have any heart at all. You have such a mature, intelligent, respectful attitude.

 

If I had done what this OW did to you, I would be so completely ashamed and I would hate myself more than I can express for destroying someone else like that.

 

I only hope that you can postpone the divorce until you can decide if it is what you really want. Please don't do it unless you are 110% sure it is the only option left.

 

My story is all over these boards but to summarize, I gave all of myself - heart, soul, my whole life - to a man who was at the time separating and divorcing. Long story short he went back to his W several years later and the process destroyed me. I think a lot of people don't understand why it should have (I don't always understand it either) but it absolutely killed me. I also lost his baby (premature) a few months after he went back to his wife. That was rock bottom for me.

 

This has been several years ago. I'm over him, but I have accepted that somehow I am just not meant to have a loving relationship with someone. My marriage was certainly not it, and after this last experience I can no longer trust a man. I could not live through something like this again, and almost did not live through it last time. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I will remain single. There are worse things than being alone though, I guess (such as being destroyed by someone else).

[purplesorrow]

purplesorrow, I read your post this morning and it brought me to tears. I have been thinking about it all day.

 

Everyone who is about to make the decision to enter into an affair should read your post. It would certainly change the minds of people who have any heart at all. You have such a mature, intelligent, respectful attitude.

 

If I had done what this OW did to you, I would be so completely ashamed and I would hate myself more than I can express for destroying someone else like that.

 

I only hope that you can postpone the divorce until you can decide if it is what you really want. Please don't do it unless you are 110% sure it is the only option left.

 

My story is all over these boards but to summarize, I gave all of myself - heart, soul, my whole life - to a man who was at the time separating and divorcing. Long story short he went back to his W several years later and the process destroyed me. I think a lot of people don't understand why it should have (I don't always understand it either) but it absolutely killed me. I also lost his baby (premature) a few months after he went back to his wife. That was rock bottom for me.

 

This has been several years ago. I'm over him, but I have accepted that somehow I am just not meant to have a loving relationship with someone. My marriage was certainly not it, and after this last experience I can no longer trust a man. I could not live through something like this again, and almost did not live through it last time. So I have resigned myself to the fact that I will remain single. There are worse things than being alone though, I guess (such as being destroyed by someone else).

That story is tragic. I am sorry that you had to endure that. I completely understand why you felt destroyed by it. But guess what, you weren't destroyed. You have survived a lot of days of hurt and pain and you will keep surviving. It sounds like you have forgotten to love yourself in this process. You have forgotten your value. Otherwise, you would realize that everyone who wants to be loved and has love to give does just that. Someone is out there wanting the very thing that you want. And they want it from you. The thing is, you are wiser now, you know when to bail before It is too late. Please take a little more time for you in the morning loving yourself. And at night reminding yourself that you are worthy and deserving of the good things that life has to offer. Don't allow this situation to continue to rob you of living. PM any time you need to chat. Peace to you.

 

 

Purplesorrow

[Hope Shimmers]

That story is tragic. I am sorry that you had to endure that. I completely understand why you felt destroyed by it. But guess what, you weren't destroyed. You have survived a lot of days of hurt and pain and you will keep surviving. It sounds like you have forgotten to love yourself in this process. You have forgotten your value. Otherwise, you would realize that everyone who wants to be loved and has love to give does just that. Someone is out there wanting the very thing that you want. And they want it from you. The thing is, you are wiser now, you know when to bail before It is too late. Please take a little more time for you in the morning loving yourself. And at night reminding yourself that you are worthy and deserving of the good things that life has to offer. Don't allow this situation to continue to rob you of living. PM any time you need to chat. Peace to you.

 

purplesorrow, thank you. You are an incredible woman. Thank you for your words, more than I can express.

 

Your husband will be blessed and a very lucky man if you can find your way back into your marriage. I will pray for you that this happens. No one deserves it more than you. I wish you happiness and peace and I believe you will find it.

[sugarwater]

Purplesorrow, it seems like your husband had a lot of issues, that he is still working through, and you are also working through if you can accept what he did even though he is changing for the better.

 

Have you thought about and talked to your husband about how you feel about separating instead? Its a very in the middle approach. He may not mind waiting for your decision.

 

Although, I see nothing wrong with divorce and maybe coming back together later. I don't feel like it any worst or better then waiting it out, just different pros and cons to each.

 

If you have a need to punish him for what he did, it may be what you need to do to get over the mental block/ pride/ come to terms with your self respect. We all know why you feel this way but I think you should dissect these feelings and see where they emanate from, and see if in the end it is worth it. Will trying to hurt him, hurt you too? Will it hurt your kids (do you have kids)? Will it really make you feel better, or does society (who really doesn't understand infidelity) tell it will? Is my pride adding anything to my life, besides helping my ego? Could I still have my self respect without without divorce? why, why not? Dig deep.

 

The divorce wont make things instantly better and take away the pain. You'll still need to process it, but it may give you a cocoon of space and peace to heal yourself with out having to stress about you husband (though separation could too).

 

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Edited May 12, 2014 by sugarwater
Spelling

[purplesorrow]

Purplesorrow, it seems like your husband had a lot of issues, that he is still working through, and you are also working through if you can accept what he did even though he is changing for the better.

 

Have you thought about and talked to your husband about how you feel about separating instead? Its a very in the middle approach. He may not mind waiting for your decision.

 

Although, I see nothing wrong with divorce and maybe coming back together later. I don't feel like it any worst or better then waiting it out, just different pros and cons to each.

 

If you have a need to punish him for what he did, it may be what you need to do to get over the mental block/ pride/ come to terms with your self respect. We all know why you feel this way but I think you should dissect these feelings and see where they emanate from, and see if in the end it is worth it. Will trying to hurt him, hurt you too? Will it hurt your kids (do you have kids)? Will it really make you feel better, or does society (who really doesn't understand infidelity) tell it will? Is my pride adding anything to my life, besides helping my ego? Could I still have my self respect without without divorce? why, why not? Dig deep.

 

The divorce wont make things instantly better and take away the pain. You'll still need to process it, but it may give you a cocoon of space and peace to heal yourself with out having to stress about you husband (though separation could too).

 

I hope you find what you're looking for.

We've been separated almost a year now. He has been living with his parents. I am under no delusion that divorce will instantly make me feel better, or any of us for that matter. It isn't a need to punish him. Actions have consequences. I am not able to be a good spouse right now so I should not be married right now. I have lost so much from this infidelity. I am trying to regain my footing and sense of self. These are things I need to do without the added pressure of being a wife in a now very broken marriage.