Elle1975 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 So.. I was offered the no string attach kind of sex. Not by my ex by the way, by someone I actually used to have a crush on. The crush is long gone. The guy is not relationship material at all. Among other things, he loves alcohol more than he'd love me. But now I wonder.. should I accept..He's attractive, my age, and more importantly I wonder if it would help me feel detached from my ex even faster. It would be a regular fwb kind of thing. My conflict is.. am in the right state of mind to take this decision? I have a rather higher than normal libido.. hence the conflict... Any thoughts?
Strength in Healing Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 My advice? Hell no. I got with people after ex's before. You know how it made me feel? Empty. Alone. Lower than before. The fact you made this topic indicates you and me probably have some things in common. Avoid it like the plague in my honest opinion. 7
harrybrown Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 It might bring back your crush. and he loves the bottle more than you. not good. find someone else. 1
STM206 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I would avoid it. I tried and it didn't sit right with me in my mind. I felt like I was trying to fill something that wasn't there anymore, my ex. However if you're a secure person and can say "sex is sex" and not feel any type of emotional connection to the FWB/ex then by all means go for it, explore, experience, try new things - but because you made this post, I don't think you're ready yet.
STM206 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 What really sucks is knowing that the exes who are in another relationship are already getting laid on the regular - yet I the majority of us (I think) aren't even able to watch porn without feeling gross. What... The... Feezy. 6
Author Elle1975 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Well I am asking because indeed I am afraid of finding myself missing the ex. Also wondering if that would prevent me from meeting someone new, as I would find myself in a safe routine. No worry about the crush coming back. I got to know the guy, and that's how my crush went POOF! On another hand it's tempting. I feel that at 40 I am in my prime when it comes to sex. And I miss the physical contact with someone. Not sex, just touching someone's body, and being touched as well. Maybe it sounds weird to some. I'm very affectionate and I miss that. 1
STM206 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Well I am asking because indeed I am afraid of finding myself missing the ex. Also wondering if that would prevent me from meeting someone new, as I would find myself in a safe routine. No worry about the crush coming back. I got to know the guy, and that's how my crush went POOF! On another hand it's tempting. I feel that at 40 I am in my prime when it comes to sex. And I miss the physical contact with someone. Not sex, just touching someone's body, and being touched as well. Maybe it sounds weird to some. I'm very affectionate and I miss that. It sounds like the type of affection you're looking for is a companion type of affection, not sexual.
Zapbasket Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Funny, the timing of this thread for me, because I was just asking the same thing. I found my ex on a dating site and my best friend said, "Don't freak out too much about it. He's a guy; he's just looking to get laid." And I thought, dang it, I need to get laid and maybe I should! Just some casual thing. Thing is, I have no idea how to initiate that conversation. If I want to get laid I don't want to have to go through all the motions of online chatting --> drinks --> building up enough trust to bring up the conversation about sex --> building enough trust to go to one of our houses to do the deed, etc. (Actually, I have no idea how it goes. How DO you do it?) But it's hard enough as it is when sex is part of an actual intimate relationship. I can't imagine it doesn't eventually get weird when it's supposedly "just sex." Eventually, one person can't fall in line with the arrangement, I'd think. And not just because one person develops feelings for the other, but because things can too easily get weird any time two people share intimacy of any kind--as in, psychologically weird. Someone gets weirdly needy, or aggressive, or manipulative somehow. That's what I'd fear. And then I'd be in the middle of a dynamic that makes me feel bad emotionally, which would have been just what I'd be trying to surmount by initiating a casual sex arrangement in the first place! I wish it were easy. I'm pretty horny, and frankly jealous (and hurt) to think of my ex getting laid. It seems like things always are simpler for the people who look only to keeping it simple, and always more emotionally challenging for those of us who are looking for real intimacy. I wish I didn't want intimacy and just wanted sex!
hestheone66 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I've posted similar before. Casual sex can be good for starting process of moving on. Especially if you are a high libido person it may be preferable to seek out casual sex if you know you can handle it. Some warnings. A regular FWB is more likely to develop awkward feelings if it is too frequent. A small but reliable stable of partners rotated is better than one person. Try only having sex no social stuff and try to minimise kissing and looking in each other eyes. Obviously condoms as you wouldn't expect exclusivity. I found it a very wise decision that helped me regain confidence after a very bad relationship. It is not for most people (esp women) who have to overcome social conditioning and slut shaming tho 1
ASG Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I've posted similar before. Casual sex can be good for starting process of moving on. Especially if you are a high libido person it may be preferable to seek out casual sex if you know you can handle it. Some warnings. A regular FWB is more likely to develop awkward feelings if it is too frequent. A small but reliable stable of partners rotated is better than one person. Try only having sex no social stuff and try to minimise kissing and looking in each other eyes. Obviously condoms as you wouldn't expect exclusivity. I found it a very wise decision that helped me regain confidence after a very bad relationship. It is not for most people (esp women) who have to overcome social conditioning and slut shaming tho I agree with this post. Having casual sex has definitely helped me in the past to get over a break up. But having a regular, frequent FWB will only get messy.
Summerrose2013 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Well I am asking because indeed I am afraid of finding myself missing the ex. Also wondering if that would prevent me from meeting someone new, as I would find myself in a safe routine. No worry about the crush coming back. I got to know the guy, and that's how my crush went POOF! On another hand it's tempting. I feel that at 40 I am in my prime when it comes to sex. And I miss the physical contact with someone. Not sex, just touching someone's body, and being touched as well. Maybe it sounds weird to some. I'm very affectionate and I miss that. Ellie, I'm older than you! Why go back to the old familiar, which you know for 100% won't lead to anything when you can meet new blokes (I mean, it's hardly difficult to pick up guys just for sex, as a woman, right?) You need to push yourself outside of your comfort zone to find someone new who you can have regular, loving sex with- sex is more than just a grinding of nasties, it's about the emotions and caring that each other has a nice time in bed. I miss all of these things with my ex, and God he was fun in bed, BUT they were only so great because I loved him, and loved him giving me attention. Sex with anyone else is a poor second, I don't want to be pawed at by a stranger. It gives us the attention we crave but then when it's over, it leaves an even bigger hole in our hearts. Get yourself down to Ann Summers, and get some male friends to give you hugs and attention. Are you getting out and meeting new people? I know this has been one of my big problems, I just dont have a good enough social circle - I'm currently working on a plan to solve this. All of my friends are now in LT relationships and without wanting to offend them, I simply don't get any fulfillment hanging out with them and their partners. They all want to 'invite me over for lunch' - just the 3 of us - Jeeeeeez!! They don't mean to be cruel, they think they are helping but they dont have a clue. I'm joining a couple of clubs - it's bloody scary, I'm cripplingly shy around new people, BUT if I meet a man (I've just embarked on internet dating) I want to have a better life of my own to fall back on next time, if it goes tits up again! And I want to be less available for him - one of the BIG mistakes I made last time. It will also give us more stuff to talk about.
Zapbasket Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 In shout its not a good idea... Do you think that's true for men as well as women?
RDawg Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 As a man, my own recent experience of having a regular FWB is that it did not help with my healing. I was constantly comparing my new playmate to my ex. Also, it made me feel guilty because I could see she wanted more than what I was able to offer, emotionally. It caused me to lose self respect and I am feeling so much better since we ended the arrangement. Now she and I are just really good friends, so much better. Sex without feelings really doesn't work for me. Yugh, actually. 2
Zapbasket Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 ...it caused me to lose self respect and I am feeling so much better since we ended the arrangement. You confirmed what I've always suspected about FWB situations: that FWB sex and self-respect are incompatible with one another. It's just...empty; why not just masturbate away the horniness and hold out for when you meet someone you're really into, you know? Now she and I are just really good friends, so much better. This makes me curious: how did you pull that off? I'd think once a friend situation turns into an FWB one, that it'd be really hard to just go back to being "friends." Are you sure she doesn't still harbor feelings for you? To me it kind-of sounds like she took a demotion and accepted it rather than lose you.
Zahara Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Well I am asking because indeed I am afraid of finding myself missing the ex. Also wondering if that would prevent me from meeting someone new, as I would find myself in a safe routine. No worry about the crush coming back. I got to know the guy, and that's how my crush went POOF! On another hand it's tempting. I feel that at 40 I am in my prime when it comes to sex. And I miss the physical contact with someone. Not sex, just touching someone's body, and being touched as well. Maybe it sounds weird to some. I'm very affectionate and I miss that. Elle, I'm in my 40s and I'm feeling that "prime time" but I won't go the FWB route. I did that once in my late thirties for a bit and it left me feeling empty. I craved for more and that damn oxytocin kept getting in the way. It's one thing to say that you don't have that crush anymore but with us women, once we have sex it always starts to manifest into feelings, closeness, intimacy -- at least for me, I turned it into something more because I wanted more, even when I knew he was not for me. I'm very affectionate and I miss being held, cuddled, kissed, etc. I crave it. But I can't settle for a couple of hours of sex that means nothing. My gf has 3 FWBs and she is satisfied with the sex. But at the end of the day she still misses intimacy.
Author Elle1975 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 I'm on break, typing on my tablet, so I will answer in more details later. What I can say is that there is no chance for me to fall in love with this guy. And he won't either, he finds me attractive but I can tell he's only in for the sex. I do have toys, it's just not the same.. I am very open minded when it comes to my sexuality, however I don't advertise it to acquaintances or work colleagues for instance. Even my close friends don't know what I'm into. I'm very secretive about that. The internet is one thing, real life another. People judge too easily, even friends. I haven't given him an answer yet.
RDawg Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 You confirmed what I've always suspected about FWB situations: that FWB sex and self-respect are incompatible with one another. It's just...empty; why not just masturbate away the horniness and hold out for when you meet someone you're really into, you know? This makes me curious: how did you pull that off? I'd think once a friend situation turns into an FWB one, that it'd be really hard to just go back to being "friends." Are you sure she doesn't still harbor feelings for you? To me it kind-of sounds like she took a demotion and accepted it rather than lose you. To answer your question: she is still attracted to me but she is very mature and wise so she knows that sleeping with each other is not good for either of us. I wouldn't call it a demotion, we only had sex a handful of times, probably like 6 times. Elle, you sound quite exciting. Just be careful with this, yes?
saltyfishhead666 Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 So.. I was offered the no string attach kind of sex. Not by my ex by the way, by someone I actually used to have a crush on. The crush is long gone. The guy is not relationship material at all. Among other things, he loves alcohol more than he'd love me. But now I wonder.. should I accept..He's attractive, my age, and more importantly I wonder if it would help me feel detached from my ex even faster. It would be a regular fwb kind of thing. My conflict is.. am in the right state of mind to take this decision? I have a rather higher than normal libido.. hence the conflict... Any thoughts? Buy yourself a rabbit and I don't mean the fluffy kind and get yourself off. The last thing anyone in a position like that needs is to be f*cking around with someone else. Learn how to be alone
KaliLove Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I'm on break, typing on my tablet, so I will answer in more details later. What I can say is that there is no chance for me to fall in love with this guy. And he won't either, he finds me attractive but I can tell he's only in for the sex. I do have toys, it's just not the same.. I am very open minded when it comes to my sexuality, however I don't advertise it to acquaintances or work colleagues for instance. Even my close friends don't know what I'm into. I'm very secretive about that. The internet is one thing, real life another. People judge too easily, even friends. I haven't given him an answer yet. How do you know your crush won't come back? Sex literally changes your body chemistry...
RDawg Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I'm beginning to think sex is dangerous. It leads to heartbrake. 1
Author Elle1975 Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 (edited) How do you know your crush won't come back? Sex literally changes your body chemistry... The guy is an alcoholic hardcore. Big turn off. He'll probably die in 10 years top, unless he turns it around. I am not worried about that part. I do have a couple toys, that my ex bought for me actually. It's not all about sex. I'm a normal girl really. I don't sleep around, I'm kind, agreeable, smart.. and I just got dumped. That's why I'm hesitating. Part of me is hoping for a way out. I am thinking.. maybe it will make me forget him faster. Maybe I won't be putting my clothes away thinking he might call, as I did yesterday. Or I won't wake up at 3am suddenly remembering he's not in my life anymore, as I did last night. I won't dream that he changed the whole lay out of his house, including his kitchen, where I spent so much time. All I can think about is how I f*cked it up. How I ignored my boundaries. I am usually so fierce about them, and privacy. So, a friend with benefit? I have done it once before, so I am hoping it will make me forget, but I am also afraid it will make me miss him even more. I just don't know. I haven't taken a decision. Today I just want to crawl under the bed. Edited May 13, 2014 by Elle1975
KaliLove Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I'm sorry you're having a rough day Elle. Sending gigantic enormous huge amazing hugs your way. I honestly think it'll make you feel worse..I know it would make me feel worse. Sex without intimacy just doesn't do it for me. It makes me feel sad.
Author Elle1975 Posted May 14, 2014 Author Posted May 14, 2014 I'm sorry you're having a rough day Elle. Sending gigantic enormous huge amazing hugs your way. I honestly think it'll make you feel worse..I know it would make me feel worse. Sex without intimacy just doesn't do it for me. It makes me feel sad. I texted him no, in a nice way. So that's that. I just want to go to the air show this week end, the week end after I'm going to Fenway to watch the Red Sox. It's going to be good for me, my first Baseball game lol And half the group is a bunch of firefighters or veteran firefighters so spending time with them is awesome I rather be up to that. 1
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