Author Red123 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 Also I truly believe that if my H wants to continue this A than he could do it whether working in the same building as her or not. I see many stories on here that weren't workplace As and they continued after Dday. I don't want my H to start over after he has built his career as I have mine. We have been with our companies for 10 plus years. Be claims this will never happen again and now is his chance to show me. If I'm wrong for trying then so be it but this is my choice and he has shown me a lot of change in the last 6 months but only time will tell. 2
fellini Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 Also I truly believe that if my H wants to continue this A than he could do it whether working in the same building as her or not. I see many stories on here that weren't workplace As and they continued after Dday. I don't want my H to start over after he has built his career as I have mine. We have been with our companies for 10 plus years. Be claims this will never happen again and now is his chance to show me. If I'm wrong for trying then so be it but this is my choice and he has shown me a lot of change in the last 6 months but only time will tell. As you know, I already identify with your situation. Of course I want my WS to change jobs, but I think I would rather separate than uproot my daughter from her life, and uproot my own financial stability, as weak as it is, just to pretend that moving my WS to another city (only choice if we are to move jobs - even if she could get a position, which she can't). For what? The stress of destabilizing the family would be greater than the stress I alone live with knowing that they work out of the same building. If my WS is going to have flip back into an A with THAT AP, then nothing I do about jobs is going to stop it. If I felt my WS was susceptible to jumping back into bed at this late stage with her exAP then I am deluding myself that we are even in reconciliation. If she is THAT WEAK after 14 months then our marriage, the NEW POST DDAY one is already over. If she is FAKING her feelings for me, and hiding her deep love for him 14 months later, then she is a better actress than Meryl Streep, a true masochist, a sadist, and a child. The fact is that knowing that once in a blue moon she is able to walk right past him without making an excuse to talk is more healing for BOTH OF US, than if we just ran away to a secluded island where no one would be able to "touch" what is "mine". i.e. I don't own her. No one does, she has to start behaving in coherance with her new stated set of values. Glad to see you are good with this arrangement, and although it is not one we like, we can live with it. Makes sense. Things are what they are. 1
janedoe67 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 So, play for yourself, your life experience. I think I know what this means. I think, honestly, that divorcing and then possibly reconnecting is a heck of a lot better choice than staying, playing the martyr, punishing both yourself and your reformed spouse, and then complaining about the life you chose.
drifter777 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I know a lot of the pain you've suffered through. How come you would say it's more important, especially for a BH? Not to sound facetious, but that comes across like when a man is the WS, it's not as big a deal or damaging as compared to when the WS is a woman. The first reason I focus on the BH is that I am a BH and don't pretend to understand BW's. The second is that there seems to be more BW's who believe they have, or are in the process of, a successful R. Also, it's rare to read a story about a BW who has rug-swept the affair for many years and is only now facing the reality of the damage it did to them and their marriage. I think women are more likely to resolve the issue - one way or another - and then move on with their lives.
Author Red123 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 the advice on this thread is so conflicting..... Yes:). Many different views on reconciliation. I usually read all but take only what I feel applies to my situation. That's the beauty of forums like this many perspectives to consider but at the end of the day we ultimately decide for ourselves what's right.
katielee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 the thing about what drifter is saying, if my husband can't get over my affair, could he let me know? I understand if he can't, but maintaining a shell of a marriage just isn't good for either of us. 1
fellini Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 the thing about what drifter is saying, if my husband can't get over my affair, could he let me know? I understand if he can't, but maintaining a shell of a marriage just isn't good for either of us. There are millions of people maintaining a shell of a marriage completely unaffected by infidelity. I really do think people need to address the infidelity and not the marriage. Of course I believe that one should achieve the same or better level of happiness in a marriage if they chose to R. But if the marriage was mediocre BEFORE the A, why should one decide to D if the infidelity issue is/has been dealt with? The decision to rebuild a marriage is open to everyone, not just those who are on the R side of an A.
katielee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I don't know how people "deal" with infidelity. They live with it, I guess. What they need to determine is if they can eventually live a happy life with the wayward. How do you figure that out when you're going through it? Even if the wayward is remorseful it could still be a dealbreaker, maybe determined years out. But Drifter's point is that BH can't recover.
Author Red123 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 I don't know how people "deal" with infidelity. They live with it, I guess. What they need to determine is if they can eventually live a happy life with the wayward. How do you figure that out when you're going through it? Even if the wayward is remorseful it could still be a dealbreaker, maybe determined years out. But Drifter's point is that BH can't recover. It's really up in the air in my opinion. I too have been afraid of all of this work only to have it not work out in a few years. For me I know that I need to work on me regardless of whether it not we remain together and I know how I feel about him, so this is the course I have started. The truth for me is there are no guarantees that this will work but if I don't try I'll never know. I guess in drifters experience that is the case but there are also many stories on here that are the opposite. You know your own situation best and with time will probably know if that is true for you. Are you a BS or WS? Just curious since I don't believe I have read your story
katielee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I'm both and I owe the same honesty to him, if I don't feel like I can live and recover and be happy with him. 1
jm2013 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I don't know how people "deal" with infidelity. They live with it, I guess. What they need to determine is if they can eventually live a happy life with the wayward. How do you figure that out when you're going through it? Even if the wayward is remorseful it could still be a dealbreaker, maybe determined years out. But Drifter's point is that BH can't recover. I think in most people's marriages infidelity is a huge wake up call or end all. And chances are the marriage wasn't "happy" before any affair takes place in a marriage. So really, marriages looking to reconcile probably have to go back and fix the root cause that contributed to why the one spouse felt the need to be emotionally and physically connected to another person to fill a gap they weren't getting from their spouse. For me at least I find comfort in working on myself and am working with my wife to terminate our marriage. I've explained that to my wife and she claims to be accepting of it and said she'll do what she needs to do if that means we can still move forward as a couple who are "exclusive" to each other. Though I'm not sure if you can divorce and cohabitate by law. I'll be asking my lawyer in our next meeting if this is possible. But divorcing and dating my wife all over again will make us reboot and help me emotionally I think. And if things aren't working out for us it will be that much easier to just walk away without fearing a worse financial hit among other things if we do not end up working out for some reason or another.
drifter777 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 I don't know how people "deal" with infidelity. They live with it, I guess. What they need to determine is if they can eventually live a happy life with the wayward. How do you figure that out when you're going through it? Even if the wayward is remorseful it could still be a dealbreaker, maybe determined years out. But Drifter's point is that BH can't recover. There are some men for whom the sexual component of the affair is not very important. They are much more hurt by the lies and their WW's emotional connection with OM. I think - maybe - that these guys have a good chance to reconcile if she and he are both willing to work hard on the relationship. Then there are the BH's who are devastated by the sex. I think these BH's are never going to recover IF they stay married. Having to look at their WW every day can be a trigger all by itself making it painful to be around her. The BH has to forgive his WW every time he triggers and, eventually, he can begin to feel contempt for her. Memories of the affair will always trigger strong emotions that just wear you down over time. The feeling that the scales of justice will never be even gnaws at them. If a BH decides to settle for his WW - for any number of reasons - he can reach some state of "reconciliation". They can raise their families and be a companion for his WW and maybe that's good enough. But stop reacting to the triggers? Stop remembering what blind trust did to him? What she did to him? Never.
katielee Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 and that's what I want to know - I don't want anyone to settle for me. I deserve to be cherished. He does too. Perhaps the scales of justice are equal now due to a couple affairs on his side. But that sure didn't make it better. It simply compounded the pain.
drifter777 Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 and that's what I want to know - I don't want anyone to settle for me. I deserve to be cherished. He does too. Perhaps the scales of justice are equal now due to a couple affairs on his side. But that sure didn't make it better. It simply compounded the pain. Affairs on his side? Then nothing I have said applies to your situation. Just remember its all about the sex for men. Do what you will with that information.
fellini Posted May 23, 2014 Posted May 23, 2014 The BH has to forgive his WW every time he triggers and, eventually, he can begin to feel contempt for her. Memories of the affair will always trigger strong emotions that just wear you down over time. I think you speak too quickly about BH and WW and WS like it was a generally understood universal case. This might be your case. I think generally people tend to talk about their personal experiences as though what they went through is equivalant and coherant for all. I for one, do not believe for a second, that I have to "forgive" my WW every time I trigger. I trigger on my own, I trigger in front of her, I trigger watching films, I trigger walking down the street. I do not need to "forgive" anyone or anything. What I do need to do is to learn about how to control my emotional responses to triggers. But these are not emotions demanding my WS to repeatedly pay for her sins JUST because I trigger. Whether or not these triggers will wear me down, or whether they will come and go like a breeze, is yet to be determined. I have heard from both sides.
Author Red123 Posted May 23, 2014 Author Posted May 23, 2014 and that's what I want to know - I don't want anyone to settle for me. I deserve to be cherished. He does too. Perhaps the scales of justice are equal now due to a couple affairs on his side. But that sure didn't make it better. It simply compounded the pain. I agree completely. You both deserve to be with someone who does cherish you not settle or you. IMO you both have to really want R and commit to working through the As and everything you want to change about your M. At the beginning I have found the pain intense and have not fully committed myself to my H for R but I also have not left or ended us. I would ask yourself and your H if this is truly what you both want and if you both feel you are able to do the work. If so then it's worth it. This is only my opinion based in my own experience as I only know what you have written.
katielee Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 oh, we both want it, its just hard to let go of what has happened. I'm still triggered a lot because both OW live here. His heart is broken because I had sex with someone else. Even with RA, this is something that's hard to get beyond for him. I'd be ok with a different marriage but it needs to be better. After lots of therapy and work, he now wants me to move forward. Better to me means we talk about my triggers, come up with a solution to some of them together, and he honors how hard it is to recover from this.
Author Red123 Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 oh, we both want it, its just hard to let go of what has happened. I'm still triggered a lot because both OW live here. His heart is broken because I had sex with someone else. Even with RA, this is something that's hard to get beyond for him. I'd be ok with a different marriage but it needs to be better. After lots of therapy and work, he now wants me to move forward. Better to me means we talk about my triggers, come up with a solution to some of them together, and he honors how hard it is to recover from this. What you want sounds reasonable to me. Is he on board? Talking about triggers is so hard and it must be for both of you considering you both must have them. Do you have a plan for how you would like to build the new M with him or does he have ideas?
katielee Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 I can talk about triggers - either mine or his. His version of moving forward is creating happy times together and not bringing up his triggers, although he will grudgingly talk abut mine. Asking me why I torture myself. He still has shame attached to what he did. So I have done a lot more reading, therapy and thinking and it is almost too painful for him to look at so he distracts himself. I told him our recovery will be longer and harder because I see them and he dated them all over town and it's just a small world. That and there is still an entitlement attitude because I had an affair too. Most guys who get a third chance from their BS would have a very different attitude than he does. But he's more like, ok we hurt each other, let's move on.....
Author Red123 Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 I can talk about triggers - either mine or his. His version of moving forward is creating happy times together and not bringing up his triggers, although he will grudgingly talk abut mine. Asking me why I torture myself. He still has shame attached to what he did. So I have done a lot more reading, therapy and thinking and it is almost too painful for him to look at so he distracts himself. I told him our recovery will be longer and harder because I see them and he dated them all over town and it's just a small world. That and there is still an entitlement attitude because I had an affair too. Most guys who get a third chance from their BS would have a very different attitude than he does. But he's more like, ok we hurt each other, let's move on..... It doesn't sound like you think you are equal in the harm you did each other but he seems to. I would agree that a third chance doesn't happen to often for most men. Maybe he would benefit from therapy as well. The shame can really harm a person. We are going to start MC next week and a big push is the shame my H feels. I hope he learns to cope better. I hope that for your H too. It sounds like it will be really hard for you to move forward if he doesn't face things. I don't believe we move on from As but rather move forward in stages, but only if we work through things. I hope this is possible for you because you sound like you need to.
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