For those in Reconciliation....,,,

[Red123]

What keeps you there when the pain is so overwhelming? Do you ever get to the point where you feel you can trust( not blindly like before) but enough to have a healthy relationship? Been a hard few days and I could use some perspective from others in similar circumstances. Thanks in advance.

[frogss29]

I don't know about the trust issue yet......it is way too early for me.

When I have those awful days I tell him.

Immediately.

I tell him all my fears and concerns.

One thing I have noticed is I seem to ask the same questions over and over and OVER again.

And I don't think that is healthy for me.

So, I am trying to stop.

I am trying really hard to move on.

I am looking at all the positive things that have come out of this........MUCH closer, sharing and communicating more, both aware of how we speak to each other, prioritising each other, showing real love.

I think I began to realise if I want to R, then I need to almost let it all go and just accept what happened because I will never understand it.

It is hard. Really hard.

[Red123]

Sounds like we are in the same place. I've posted on here before about my constant questions and never being satisfied with the answers. BetrayedH had suggested that I pick days to discuss the A and kind of have a break from it on the other days. I'm trying but its hard. I wish I could just accept it happened too and move on. We are experiencing the same things you are with our relationship being so much better but I am just so sad. He is a way better H than he has ever been and I like him so much more. Man, this is hard. Good luck to you in your R:)

[seren]

We are almost 7 yrs along from D Day, if you had told me life could be this good, I just wouldn't have believed you. I asked the same questions over and over until I bored myself silly. H listened when I ranted, answered what I asked and we clung and held onto each other when we all but drowned in the sadness an A brings. R is damned hard, it takes both of you to make it work. At some point you will laugh more than you cry, you never forget, but you can love despite it. Our marriage has changed, our lives have changed and I wouldn't change what we have for the world. All I hope is that H forgives himself. Hang in there x

[Red123]

We are almost 7 yrs along from D Day, if you had told me life could be this good, I just wouldn't have believed you. I asked the same questions over and over until I bored myself silly. H listened when I ranted, answered what I asked and we clung and held onto each other when we all but drowned in the sadness an A brings. R is damned hard, it takes both of you to make it work. At some point you will laugh more than you cry, you never forget, but you can love despite it. Our marriage has changed, our lives have changed and I wouldn't change what we have for the world. All I hope is that H forgives himself. Hang in there x

 

Thank you. Lots of hope in those words:)

[dichotomy]

Trust but verify.

[Red123]

Trust but verify.

 

I get that for sure.

[Scott Thomas]

I had blind faith in my dog.

 

It bit me, causing an infection, and stood silently, wiggling its tail while a robber drove away with my car.

 

Needless to say, I've learnt my lesson and don't trust the dog anymore.

 

You might regain some sort of trust. But blind trust? Never.

As the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[underwater2010]

What keeps you there when the pain is so overwhelming?

 

Our three kids and his true remorse is what kept me here. It has been almost a full 2 yrs since DDay. As long as both of you are willing and putting your all into the relationship....the pain slowly fades away. Eventually it becomes something that sneaks up rarely. Hang in there.

 

Do you ever get to the point where you feel you can trust( not blindly like before) but enough to have a healthy relationship?

 

Yep...that does not mean there are not moments when you don't feel the need to check, just in case. But the relief you feel when nothing turns up slowly builds that trust back.

[RightThere]

Yep...that does not mean there are not moments when you don't feel the need to check, just in case. But the relief you feel when nothing turns up slowly builds that trust back.

 

This is very true. I know that for myself, I often have bad days where my head is racing and I'm asking way more questions (and repetitive ones) than my WW likes.

 

But I'm of the mindset now that I cannot control her, and I'm not going to waste my life trying to verify everything. I do check on things now and again, and usually get shown that there was nothing to worry about.

 

But I'm also mentally preparing myself for the worst just incase. If she goes backwards at all, I'm feeling more and more confident that I can say enough is enough.

[drifter777]

I believe reconciliation is very different for different couples. I also believe that reconciliation is not a state of being; it's an ongoing process very much like acceptance or forgiveness. What I mean by that is a BS needs to go through the process of acceptance/forgiveness each time something triggers their memory; and this is part of the reconciliation process. Like trust but verify or going through the process of weighing the pluses and minus' of staying together.

 

For me there was lots of rug-sweeping, and gas-lighting by my WW - and I was happy to live in denial because it seemed to give me some escape from the pain of the whole thing. When a BS does what I did it pretty much guarantees that the "reconciliation" the couple is living in is completely false and will not last. Once the time-bomb within the BS finally goes off the real work begins. If the BS is ready to own their feelings they may attempt true reconciliation or decide to divorce. The worst thing the BS can do is continue to repress their true feelings - every time they surface - for a long, long time. The couple is unhappily married over that time and the BS will just get sicker and sicker. If the BS is lucky they will die before that emotional time-bomb finally goes off.

[suckerpunch55]

it's been nearly 2 months for me and it's oh, oh so painful still. If you want your relationship/marriage to survive you have to try, but it's like swimming uphill for me. I think you need advice from someone further along the road than me, good luck.

[underpants]

I've come to the conclusion that divorce should be part of the reconciliation process, anything else is false, or cake eating from either standpoint.

 

The former marriage is over. Honor it with a Viking funeral and then see how best to proceed on your own two feet.

 

Just my observations. I wish all well and healing.

[Red123]

I've come to the conclusion that divorce should be part of the reconciliation process, anything else is false, or cake eating from either standpoint.

 

The former marriage is over. Honor it with a Viking funeral and then see how best to proceed on your own two feet.

 

Just my observations. I wish all well and healing.

 

I agree that the former marriage is over but I'm curious why you feel divorce is the only way. Do you mean divorce then attempt to reconcile or just go their seperate ways?

[DKT3]

I agree that the former marriage is over but I'm curious why you feel divorce is the only way. Do you mean divorce then attempt to reconcile or just go their seperate ways?

 

I can't speak for underpants, but for me divorce means that if lovin and I go forward it will be because its was we decide for the future and not because of a commitment we made all those years ago.

 

As far as trust, its been 7 years almost and I trust her about as muchh as I think I ever will. Its not what it was, but I'm not sure you should trust blindly as I once did with Lovin. Maybe its self protection, the less to trust the less it hurts when that trust is betrayed.

 

I think its important to trust enough to be comfortable, all the while knowing that betrayal is possible.

[jm2013]

I've come to the conclusion that divorce should be part of the reconciliation process, anything else is false, or cake eating from either standpoint.

 

The former marriage is over. Honor it with a Viking funeral and then see how best to proceed on your own two feet.

 

Just my observations. I wish all well and healing.

 

You know, I think this is absolutely correct. I've had some pretty deep conversations with my wife about this over the past couple weeks. She told me if we must divorce to move forward together she'd be willing to do that.

 

Some people might think this is weird to divorce then "date" so to speak. I told my wife that during our dating period it would hold her more accountable. Since we were already divorced it would be that much easier to walk away if needed.

 

So I think it would be an easier trust build from there. Also, I told her we'd liquidate the rings and after a dating phase and we were both legitimately happy together perhaps we could go through that whole process again with new rings and a new marriage when the time was right. I'm not sure if some people would find this process weird. But I would find it much more comforting than remaining married and trying to just work out the problems.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

We are almost 7 yrs along from D Day, if you had told me life could be this good, I just wouldn't have believed you. I asked the same questions over and over until I bored myself silly. H listened when I ranted, answered what I asked and we clung and held onto each other when we all but drowned in the sadness an A brings. R is damned hard, it takes both of you to make it work. At some point you will laugh more than you cry, you never forget, but you can love despite it. Our marriage has changed, our lives have changed and I wouldn't change what we have for the world. All I hope is that H forgives himself. Hang in there x

 

^^ Same here.

 

In regards to my wife, "I trust her enough". That blind trust has been stripped from me. I think of it as good thing. My previous self was too trusting and naive.

 

The chances of my wife crossing a line in the future is possible, but not probable. I don't check up on her, but I keep my eyes open. If something doesn't add up, then I inquire. I'm now more sensitive (aware) to situations, moods, things said and not said.

 

After years of MC, IC, arguing, having hard discussions, self-reflection, I now know her 10x better then I did pre D-Day. And vice versa. Now I believe that if she did have another inappropriate relationship, I'm tuned in enough to recognize it quickly.

 

Over time if the WS proves him/herself, then the trust will return. The trust will be different, but it will be there.

[Fluttershy]

My H and I are in a wonderful marriage in the 7 year range past his confession. At 5 months it still hurt like hell. I really just took it one day at a time. And worked hard on me while letting my husband work on himself and show me he was remorseful.

 

I trust him fully. I do not trigger and he has not done anything to cause me suspect. But I do not trust blindly and no one should. Trusting blindly means you do not see or dismiss red flags. Trusting fully means you are aware of behaviour and such but do not moniter. Don't worry about the trust right now. Many get it back but it takes time. In my case my H (and I!) had poor boundaries. Not obvious ones like flirtting or touching random chicks. But close friendship and a lot of time alone with his MW ( before they even crossed a line in conversations). And of course i blindly trusted him because I "knew" he would never do anything. But if people who honestly believe themselves they will never cheat, cheat. Why do we think we "know" what another person who makes their own choices will do?

 

I don't pine for the days of old. I am happy with my life in the here or now and excited for growing old together. So you can get to this place.

[lovinDKT3]

My H and I are in a wonderful marriage in the 7 year range past his confession. At 5 months it still hurt like hell. I really just took it one day at a time. And worked hard on me while letting my husband work on himself and show me he was remorseful.

 

I trust him fully. I do not trigger and he has not done anything to cause me suspect. But I do not trust blindly and no one should. Trusting blindly means you do not see or dismiss red flags. Trusting fully means you are aware of behaviour and such but do not moniter. Don't worry about the trust right now. Many get it back but it takes time. In my case my H (and I!) had poor boundaries. Not obvious ones like flirtting or touching random chicks. But close friendship and a lot of time alone with his MW ( before they even crossed a line in conversations). And of course i blindly trusted him because I "knew" he would never do anything. But if people who honestly believe themselves they will never cheat, cheat. Why do we think we "know" what another person who makes their own choices will do?

 

I don't pine for the days of old. I am happy with my life in the here or now and excited for growing old together. So you can get to this place.

 

I love this, I hope we can get there.

[ClemsonTigers]

My H and I are in a wonderful marriage in the 7 year range past his confession. At 5 months it still hurt like hell. I really just took it one day at a time. And worked hard on me while letting my husband work on himself and show me he was remorseful.

 

I trust him fully. I do not trigger and he has not done anything to cause me suspect. But I do not trust blindly and no one should. Trusting blindly means you do not see or dismiss red flags. Trusting fully means you are aware of behaviour and such but do not moniter. Don't worry about the trust right now. Many get it back but it takes time. In my case my H (and I!) had poor boundaries. Not obvious ones like flirtting or touching random chicks. But close friendship and a lot of time alone with his MW ( before they even crossed a line in conversations). And of course i blindly trusted him because I "knew" he would never do anything. But if people who honestly believe themselves they will never cheat, cheat. Why do we think we "know" what another person who makes their own choices will do?

 

I don't pine for the days of old. I am happy with my life in the here or now and excited for growing old together. So you can get to this place.

 

17 years after dday for us and we have been at much the same place as you for probably 14 of those years.

 

I'm not knocking those that are trying it but in my opinion, any plan that includes divorcing as a precursor to recovering a marriage is much more likely to end up with a couple permanently divorced than just working out your reconciliation together as a continuing REBUILT marriage.

 

Divorcing in order to avoid splitting up just doesn't sound like a good plan.

 

Your mileage may vary.

[underpants]

I agree that the former marriage is over but I'm curious why you feel divorce is the only way. Do you mean divorce then attempt to reconcile or just go their seperate ways?

 

My 0.2 is consequense, action and result.

 

Pretty simple.

 

If you stay, as a betrayed spouse, on some level you are living a nightmare, with permission. It is already broken, so accept it, face facts, set that boundary so hard it does result in divorce, and mean it. People remarry. It is scary, but it is honest.

 

If you free yourself you set a firm boundary for yourself, YOUR LIFE, on your terms.

 

If you give yourself TRUE time and distance (without the confines of marriage) if you two come back to each other then perhaps. Level the field. There is no guarantee, not was there ever. So, play for yourself, your life experience.

 

Anything else I just see as cake eating/rug sweeping, but I'm a realist.

 

Good luck out there.

[drifter777]

My 0.2 is consequense, action and result.

 

Pretty simple.

 

If you stay, as a betrayed spouse, on some level you are living a nightmare, with permission. It is already broken, so accept it, face facts, set that boundary so hard it does result in divorce, and mean it. People remarry. It is scary, but it is honest.

 

If you free yourself you set a firm boundary for yourself, YOUR LIFE, on your terms.

 

If you give yourself TRUE time and distance (without the confines of marriage) if you two come back to each other then perhaps. Level the field. There is no guarantee, not was there ever. So, play for yourself, your life experience.

 

Anything else I just see as cake eating/rug sweeping, but I'm a realist.

 

Good luck out there.

So now you are probably going to be ripped as being a "bitter old man" simply because your life-experiences have brought you to this conclusion. I support your position and, more importantly, your right to express your opinion and advise BS's based on your personal experiences.

 

To be clear, I have changed my mind over the past year or so and now believe in my heart that no BS - especially a BH - should reconcile with their WS. The damage done to the psyche is permanent, as is the damage to the fundamental element of a committed relationship; trust. That doesn't mean I always advise divorce, but it does mean that I want any BH who is working to cut his way through all of the confusion, pain, and shame after d-day to know that divorce is not "giving up" at all. It is simply a viable way to begin the healing process and to recognize the importance of putting personal recovery over marital recovery. Lots of people think a BH can accomplish both of these, I do not.

[RightThere]

To be clear, I have changed my mind over the past year or so and now believe in my heart that no BS - especially a BH - should reconcile with their WS. The damage done to the psyche is permanent, as is the damage to the fundamental element of a committed relationship; trust. That doesn't mean I always advise divorce, but it does mean that I want any BH who is working to cut his way through all of the confusion, pain, and shame after d-day to know that divorce is not "giving up" at all. It is simply a viable way to begin the healing process and to recognize the importance of putting personal recovery over marital recovery. Lots of people think a BH can accomplish both of these, I do not.

 

I know a lot of the pain you've suffered through.

 

How come you would say it's more important, especially for a BH?

 

Not to sound facetious, but that comes across like when a man is the WS, it's not as big a deal or damaging as compared to when the WS is a woman.

[ladydesigner]

One therapist I read stated that any time there is infidelity the marriage is over. You can begin a new marriage with the same partner, but that former marriage is a thing of the past. The next one will be different. My relationship with my husband has improved in many, many ways since the A. It really is a very different relationship than what we had before. That isn't a bad thing, in this case. Not that I think the A was good, but it certainly was a learning experience for him. He's been great at helping me recover, though. Not all WS are really that supportive.

 

This is very true in our case. The old M is dead and we do have a new M in it's place now. Things are very different than they were before. Some better, some worse. The loss of innocence hurts but it is better to be aware now that no one is immune to infidelity. I found myself through all this and have identified my poor coping skills and since improved them through intensive therapy. My fWH also proves to me everyday how much he wants to be here after 2 years post Dday and that has helped our R along. But it is a new M a more realistic M.

[Red123]

Don't know if you are still reading here Red but I saw your post yesterday where you said you didn't think exposure was for you and I read a little of your history and I wish you'd reconsider your view.

 

Your former wayward husband still works in the same building as OW. No contact really needs to be stronger than just a promise not to communicate with her anymore. He shouldn't even see here or continue to place himself in her proximity. No contact isn't only to keep them apart so the affair doesn't reignite (as they are prone to do and even eye contact across a parking lot is WAY to much contact…she could even corner him in a bathroom), it's also to protect your state of mind. It is incredibly cruel and unfair for you to have to endure trusting him going to work in the same building as OW. He needs to quit that job and move on and IF he refuses…his bosses and co-workers need to be exposed to and made aware of the inappropriate relationship such that they can either fire him, force him out or, as is often the case, allow him to stay but hold him accountable until he finds other employment. As it stands now…you have no idea what's REALLY going on a work between them and that's not healthy for you.

 

Also…you said that the OW's husband doesn't know. You should tell him This should be done immediately without warning or discussion with your husband. It's the right thing to do. He should have the truth about his life and afforded the opportunity to make decisions about his marriage end life just as you have. Plus, in most of these situations, once her betrayed husband is aware, she'll absolutely abide by "no contact" with your husband. You'll have an extra set of eyes making sure these two stay apart and MAYBE her husband will make her quit her job….allowing your husband to remain employed in that job.

 

I know this sounds really hard and risky but if you read those exposure threads carefully you'll see that almost 100% of the betrayed spouses that expose don't regret it. It's pretty much only the posters that haven't done it (yet) and some former and not so former wayward spouses that object to exposure. I pray it doesn't take another d-day or another year of overwhelming grief and mistrust for you to realize that exposing the truth and then re building your marriage upon such truth is the way to go. You protect your husband from the natural consequences of his behavior at your own risk and suffering. Don't hide his secrets. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

I appreciate your stance on this but I stand by my choice. At this time I am not interested in my H quitting his job or exposing this A at his workplace. Yes they are in the same building but have no contact and I understand that even seeing each other could be dangerous but I still feel this way. My H has been NC with the MoW for 6 months and claims to dispise her. Her last contact was an email from her personal email to his work email as her work email is blocked aswell as FB. She stated that she understands that he wants nothing to do with her but that she wants to clear the air. He responded that they have had no contact and there is no air to clear. He also stated it is unacceptable for her to contact him and that if she ever does again he is sending everything to her husband( all of the emails we have) and will expose the A at work and will treat her contact as harassment. The truth is I don't want him to be here because I have exposed him and he fears for his job or our family. We split up and he has always had the option of continuing his A but not staying with me and having an A. He also knows that his children would always be available to him and there is no financial reasons. We both have good careers. So I want him here because he loves me and wants to be. He has set up MC that we start next week as this was his request. I don't want to live by policing him. If he wants this he knows my expectations. Also if he sees her at all he tells me. Thanks for your concern but I think we all do this in our own way and do what works for us.