Should I be angry at my wife about this situation??

May 9, 2014

The flirting would bother me, however putting me down sexually in front of my friend would p*ss me off. Of course I would keep my cool at the time. However that shows some major lack of respect for you and your feelings on her part. Truth is that I had an ex girlfriend I was with years ago put me down sexually in front of my friends. These guys plus a couple of women just tore her a new one before I could say anything. So yes this is crossing a major line in my book and you have every right to be upset about it.

I would sit down and talk with her. State in a very calm, however in a cold voice that you will not tolerate such disrespect from her again. That by doing this only serves to break up the marriage. I would also state that if she thinks my sexual performance or my equipment is not good enough for her that she should walk and not return.

I've had a couple of ex's that would compare me to their past lovers stating that I fell short. Usually that conversation only happened once, second time I was done with them. However i have ticked off a couple asking them why they were dumped by this ex.

Edited May 9, 2014 by revelations
grammer

May 10, 2014

I'm not anymore...I'm actually thinking about filing for a divorce to be honest about it.

First thing is to divorce your friend he is not your friend.

Second your wife's behavior with your friend was wrong.

Has your wife had an affair?

May 10, 2014

Great advice here!

I just wanted to add, my own experience in confronting my partner over comments I found offensive.

His reaction was, "Wow! I didn't realize you took such offence from (the comment) but now you explain it, I understand and I'm really sorry for hurting you, I promise I'll never make remarks like that again."

IMO this is the right response to the situation, he didn't invalidate my concerns.

Your wife sounds self-centred.

May 10, 2014

If she won't show you respect who will? Cut your former friend out of your life because your wife has no boundaries with him, you need to feel safe with people you invite into your home. Read your wife the riot act regarding disrespecting you in front of people, a very low class behaviour. Nothing like being the third wheel in your own home. Give her a taste of how it feels next time one of her friends is over.

Should I let her see this thread??

May 10, 2014

First thing is to divorce your friend he is not your friend.

Second your wife's behavior with your friend was wrong.

Has your wife had an affair?

No she hasn't

Do you think that I should let her see this thread and everyone's comments??

May 10, 2014

If she has not told you she is sorry, and stopped all contact with your "friend", why bother?

She does not respect you. Give her the divorce papers. You do not treat someone you love like she treated you and then argue about it.

She should have been sorry and never do it in the first place.

did she finally tell you she loves your friend and not you? Actions speak louder than words. She dissed you majorly in front of him and then argued with you about it. Why would you want to stay married to someone that treats you like shyt?

And the friend is gone too. You can show her the thread if you like, but I would not bother. File for divorce, because you are her backup plan to your "friend" in her mind. Her actions speak loudly for her. She is having an affair with your friend. She had an EA in front of you. Has she had a PA with him? Her actions shout it out to you. She does not respect you. That is not the way you treat someone you love.

Respect yourself. Do the 180 and file.

May 10, 2014

No, I don't think you were wrong to say anything to her. It is good to have open communication with your spouse, especially about things that bother you.

It is impossible for me to say whether you came across as confrontational because I wasn't there, but if you did it could be one reason for your wife's reaction. Another possible reason (and this is just speculation so please don't take it as fact) is that she has some sort of feelings for your friend, and knows it, and so you bringing the subject up struck a nerve.

I think it was bad form of her to put you down sexually in front of your friend, I would never do that to my husband. Our private life is private. I understand some women are different and do talk about these things, but in that case I think it is usually with other women, not with men.

If I was you I would broach the subject again, first apologizing for if she thought you were confrontational the first time. But, then explain how it made you feel. I know I would not intentionally do anything to hurt my spouse. Hopefully she feels the same way and will adjust her actions. If not, you may need to ask yourself WHY she doesn't feel that way

Why should he apologize to his wife? She ridiculed him sexually while talking to another man that she was obviously sexually attracted to.

Don't apologize, and ask some straight questions. The trajectory of your marriage is off-course IMHO.

May 10, 2014

Why should he apologize to his wife? She ridiculed him sexually while talking to another man that she was obviously sexually attracted to.

Don't apologize, and ask some straight questions. The trajectory of your marriage is off-course IMHO.

I agree with you whole-heartedly

she put me down sexually and then argued with me about it making me look like the bad guy..smh

May 10, 2014

Why should he apologize to his wife? She ridiculed him sexually while talking to another man that she was obviously sexually attracted to.

Don't apologize, and ask some straight questions. The trajectory of your marriage is off-course IMHO.

I'm not saying apologize for bringing it up with his wife. He absolutely SHOULD do that. And she absolutely WAS in the wrong.

I was saying to apologize for the manner he brought it up. In other words, it was after everyone had had a few drinks and he himself suggested he might have been confrontational. That is not the optimal way to communicate. So, he should apologize for bringing it up THAT way, but in no way, shape, or form should she be off the hook for this.

Hopefully that was the message he got when he read my whole post. If not, maybe re-stating it made it clearer.

May 10, 2014

I'd feel the same way, what they both did is messed up. It is weird to me to see a wife gang up on her husband with his friend, doesn't seem like a good sign.

Also I have to ask, when you asked her if she was attracted to him..you said you had a "massive row" but..you never actually said how she responded to that question? It is an important question, and if she did not give you an answer that might not be a good sign either. So what did she say?

She said that she did not think anything of him and she didn't even remember what happened for the most part??

May 10, 2014

I'm not saying apologize for bringing it up with his wife. He absolutely SHOULD do that. And she absolutely WAS in the wrong.

I was saying to apologize for the manner he brought it up. In other words, it was after everyone had had a few drinks and he himself suggested he might have been confrontational. That is not the optimal way to communicate. So, he should apologize for bringing it up THAT way, but in no way, shape, or form should she be off the hook for this.

Hopefully that was the message he got when he read my whole post. If not, maybe re-stating it made it clearer.

Ok yes now I understand what you meant and I do understand what you mean:-) thank you

May 10, 2014

I agree with you whole-heartedly
she put me down sexually and then argued with me about it making me look like the bad guy..smh

OP, when I gave you my previous advice I assumed you wanted to work things out with your wife. Now it seems you may be contemplating divorce instead. In which case, my advice doesn't apply. I don't judge you for that...you know your relationship better than anyone here, and you know what you can live with.

However, if you want to work things out with your wife, I think you have to be the better man. You have to approach the conversation a softer way, you have to soothe ruffled feathers, even if she doesn't deserve it. Because otherwise, she is just going to get defensive. That is what every human being on the planet does when "attacked." She will shut down, and she won't talk to you. She won't listen to you. And there is no way you can work this out if the lines of communication aren't open.

Yes, it is true that she shouldn't be painting you as the bad guy, when she was in the wrong. But, do you want to be right, or do you want to work this out? You can't have both, at least not initially.

May 10, 2014

OP, when I gave you my previous advice I assumed you wanted to work things out with your wife. Now it seems you may be contemplating divorce instead. In which case, my advice doesn't apply. I don't judge you for that...you know your relationship better than anyone here, and you know what you can live with.

However, if you want to work things out with your wife, I think you have to be the better man. You have to approach the conversation a softer way, you have to soothe ruffled feathers, even if she doesn't deserve it. Because otherwise, she is just going to get defensive. That is what every human being on the planet does when "attacked." She will shut down, and she won't talk to you. She won't listen to you. And there is no way you can work this out if the lines of communication aren't open.

Yes, it is true that she shouldn't be painting you as the bad guy, when she was in the wrong. But, do you want to be right, or do you want to work this out? You can't have both, at least not initially.

I agree with you..very very true:-)

I'm thinking about filing for a divorce to be honest about it..because I got done talking about this with my other friend and he said that "if they had the audacity to do that in front of you imagine what could have happened if you weren't there" and I do think that he was spot on about that..what do you think??

May 10, 2014

I agree with you..very very true:-)
I'm thinking about filing for a divorce to be honest about it..because I got done talking about this with my other friend and he said that "if they had the audacity to do that in front of you imagine what could have happened if you weren't there" and I do think that he was spot on about that..what do you think??

I think you can't discount the fact that there was alcohol involved in this event, and it is possible that the drinking caused everyone to go farther than they might have otherwise. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, that's just what it does.

However, that doesn't excuse anyone's behavior. I agree with those who said that your friend isn't a true friend if he routinely flirts with your wife in front of you. The situation between the two of them seems questionable based on what you have posted here, and it is entirely possible that more has been going on than you know. I would put a stop to it, one way or another. Either talk it out and tell your wife that this is unacceptable behavior, or leave. The choice is up to you.

May 10, 2014

You said he is your best friend? He shouldn't have agreed with her behavior that night. He should have stopped her. Go and talk to him, show HIM that thread and tell him you expect him to act differently.

You mentioned she doesn't remember that it happened. probably because she was drunk. But there is you friend here. Does he remembers? Because there's a chance that part of it was happening in only your had, and you're a little exaggerating.

I've learned that when you ask 2 spouses about what was said in a certain argument, you will get 2 totally different answers.

May 10, 2014

OP, your wife vehemently denying and not remembering anything about what she did is another red flag. If she does not have a history of flirting with other men with a few drinks in her, why this guy. This board is full of best friends who banged their best buddy's wife. You need to confront him as if you know something is up and maybe he will panic and reveal something. A married woman simply does not do what she did in front of her husband out of the clear blue sky. You can snoop her VM and texts and e mail if possible but this whole situation stinks of something no good and her defensiveness and irritation makes it more probable in my opinion that there is something going on.

If you file for D, that may prompt her to confess . Just don't let your guard down. You could get a big surprise.

May 10, 2014

OP, your wife vehemently denying and not remembering anything about what she did is another red flag. If she does not have a history of flirting with other men with a few drinks in her, why this guy. This board is full of best friends who banged their best buddy's wife. You need to confront him as if you know something is up and maybe he will panic and reveal something. A married woman simply does not do what she did in front of her husband out of the clear blue sky. You can snoop her VM and texts and e mail if possible but this whole situation stinks of something no good and her defensiveness and irritation makes it more probable in my opinion that there is something going on.
If you file for D, that may prompt her to confess . Just don't let your guard down. You could get a big surprise.

Hmmm that makes alot of sense..I never thought about that before...I guess I'll have to talk with them again

May 10, 2014

I'm thinking about filing for a divorce to be honest about it..because I got done talking about this with my other friend and he said that "if they had the audacity to do that in front of you imagine what could have happened if you weren't there" and I do think that he was spot on about that..what do you think??

I agree that if this is what they did in front of you, imagine what they would do if you were not there, but this is not enough to divorce (unless there are other things that we do not know about), this is enough to get angry. Based on what you have said so far below is what you should do.

1) Lose the friend from your and your wife's life right now. Tell your wife that drinking or not you do not need a friend that acts that way with your wife. Tell her that you will be breaking off all contact with him and expect the same from her as she claims that she has no relationship with him outside of him being your friend. When she tries to object, tell her that you do not need her or his permission to do this as you have a right to deal with your friends as you best see fit. Tell her that you do not owe him an explanation as to why you are doing this, and that you would consider it a betrayal by her if she ever tells him why.

2) Demand full transpancy in your relationship, where both of you agree that other than when you are in the bathroom, there is no expectation of privacy in a health marriage. Transparency means that you both share all passwords and do not delete messages from the opposite sex without showing them to the other first. As an FYI, the average iTune song takes up more storage space than years of the average person's text messages, so there is no need to delete messages to save space on a smart phone.

3) Tell her that you are disappointed that she did not apologize to you for her actions with your friend as it shows that she does not respect you. Let her know that regardless of what she tries to say to rationalize her actions, you know what happened and will not tolerate such actions by her again. Tell her that your main regret is not throwing your soon to be ex-friend out the door when all of this took place.

4) Do not ever show her or your soon to be ex-friend this thread. This may only be the beginning of trouble, and you may soon need our advice going forward. Advice that would be less helpful if she knows what you are doing.

May 10, 2014

I agree that if this is what they did in front of you, imagine what they would do if you were not there, but this is not enough to divorce (unless there are other things that we do not know about), this is enough to get angry. Based on what you have said so far below is what you should do.

1) Lose the friend from your and your wife's life right now. Tell your wife that drinking or not you do not need a friend that acts that way with your wife. Tell her that you will be breaking off all contact with him and expect the same from her as she claims that she has no relationship with him outside of him being your friend. When she tries to object, tell her that you do not need her or his permission to do this as you have a right to deal with your friends as you best see fit. Tell her that you do not owe him an explanation as to why you are doing this, and that you would consider it a betrayal by her if she ever tells him why.

2) Demand full transpancy in your relationship, where both of you agree that other than when you are in the bathroom, there is no expectation of privacy in a health marriage. Transparency means that you both share all passwords and do not delete messages from the opposite sex without showing them to the other first. As an FYI, the average iTune song takes up more storage space than years of the average person's text messages, so there is no need to delete messages to save space on a smart phone.

3) Tell her that you are disappointed that she did not apologize to you for her actions with your friend as it shows that she does not respect you. Let her know that regardless of what she tries to say to rationalize her actions, you know what happened and will not tolerate such actions by her again. Tell her that your main regret is not throwing your soon to be ex-friend out the door when all of this took place.

4) Do not ever show her or your soon to be ex-friend this thread. This may only be the beginning of trouble, and you may soon need our advice going forward. Advice that would be less helpful if she knows what you are doing.

I agree but why do you think showing them this thread would be the beginning of trouble??

May 10, 2014

Do not show her this thread.

Do not discuss any concerns that you might have about her maybe cheating.

Stop talking to her about this one occurrence. Its done. Move to Next steps

Be calm secure, set boundaries - and investigate quietly.

May 10, 2014

Showing her this thread already feeds in to the point of her not respecting you. She will clearly think you can't make your own mind up. I personally would stand firm on my own believes and morals and not stray from that path at all. You don't have to get a divorce to do this if you don't want to but at the very least you need to set the tone for the future about your relationship with her and your friend. Its more about showing you respect yourself enough not to tolerate or put up with that behavior.

I do also agree with the Other poster that stated its a red flag that she states she does not remember. So if she had sex with him that night would the I don't remember doing it stand in place as well.

I think she is lieing and there is more to this than you know but fishing for it might not really be worth your time. Most cheaters trickle truth people to death. Who really wants to spend the next 10 years wondering about that night.

I would personally rather spend time with a woman that I knew loved only me.

Clay

May 10, 2014

I agree but why do you think showing them this thread would be the beginning of trouble??

You misread my meaning as showing them this thread would not be the beginning of trouble. What I meant was that you may already be at the beginning of more trouble where this incident may be only the tip of the iceberg, and may need more advice from us going forward. Advice that would be compromised if you showed this thread to either of them.

May 10, 2014

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on my situation .I invited my best friend over for some drinks with my wife and I , things started out fine with the usual banter of laughing and joking with each other , but as time progressed and drink started to kick in I felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo orientated , this bothered me and when I tried to get in on the conversation my wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me , I have noticed many times before that my wife and my best friend seem to get on very well but tonight I felt very uncomfortable with things that were said , anyway to cut a long story short when my friend left I decided to talk to my wife about todays events , I told her that I felt like crap with all the flirting going on and asked her if she found him attractive. Perhaps I should never have said anything as this went down like a lead balloon and we ended up having a massive row. Was I wrong to say anything to her ? Do you think that perhaps I came across as accusational ? Any help would be greatly appreciated...thanks

No once you notice things like that there is usually something to back it up niggling away in your mind. That's how I caught my wife up. Continue to watch, when you hear the words that equate to you being a snoop, You know you have hit right on the mark, One day you will get the truth. Its time to get it open.

May 10, 2014

You misread my meaning as showing them this thread would not be the beginning of trouble. What I meant was that you may already be at the beginning of more trouble where this incident may be only the tip of the iceberg, and may need more advice from us going forward. Advice that would be compromised if you showed this thread to either of them.

Yes OP, keep this to yourself. The stuff I have written in here about my WXF is not something I would want her to see. Keep it the way it is, I have had a lot of good advice from my fellow "Shackers" in hear and I would not want to have to quit posting if my XW knew.

May 10, 2014

She said that she did not think anything of him and she didn't even remember what happened for the most part??

How does a grown woman "not remember" what happened to her?

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Should I be angry at my wife about this situation??

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